Translator: Zsófia Herczeg Reviewer: Beatrix Turán
In the evenings, we were sitting at my grandmother's house.
We lived there while our own house was being built.
We always talked in Hungarian.
The adults kept asking us children,
(Palóc dialect) "Well, Sandrika, what's 'house' in Slovak?"
And I said: "dom."
(Palóc) "What about 'flower'?"
I said: "kvet."
(Palóc) "Very good, good girl! And how do you say 'cat'?"
"It's the same: mačka."
"Well, you see, it's not that difficult."
(Laughter)
I had absolutely no idea what all this was good for.
Then my mom and I went shopping to Nitra -
from Nagycétény, our village to the town.
And Mom hushed me, saying,
(Palóc) "Shh! You mustn't speak Hungarian loudly. You can only speak Slovak.
I thought our village, Nagycétény, was a small island
where we all spoke Hungarian,
and by magic,
the wind had blown the village to Slovakia.
I went to a Slovak kindergarten
together with my Slovak cousins, who were, in fact, Hungarian,
but from the beginning, their parents raised them to be Slovak,
as they wanted them to have a better life in Slovakia.
In kindergarten, I learned the language.
Although we spoke Hungarian at home,
we used Slovak words, which we later built into our language.
My best friend's mother is Slovak and her father is Hungarian.
We used to play a lot together.
She was talking to me in Slovak, and I was talking to her in Hungarian;
we still understood each other.
For us, it was absolutely automatic and natural.
I had a happy childhood.
Still, the idea that we shouldn't like Slovaks too much
crept into my life.
They didn't like us either.
We said, "Stupid Slovaks," or ...
"Of course, I can't fall in love with a Slovak boy."
And I heard Slovak teenagers shout things at us, like,
(Slovak) "Maďari za Dunaj!"
which means "Hungarians behind the Danube."
My parents told me not to mind,
as there are stupid people among both Hungarians and Slovaks.
I had no idea how to defend myself,
or what all this was good for.
I was travelling with my friend to Nitra by bus.
We were talking in Hungarian
when an elderly lady came to us and said,
(Slovak) "Dievčence, na Slovensku po slovensky!"
Meaning: "In Slovak in Slovakia, little girls."
I felt deeply ashamed,
and I didn't know how to answer.
I was just sitting there frozen, and I could hardly wait to get off.
We took part in some kind of a war,
although that was something I didn't want at all.
For some, the sheer fact that I was born Hungarian in Slovakia
automatically meant that I am the enemy.
I loved Slovak movies and Slovak actors.
We often watched local channels.
It never for a moment occurred to me
that I should hate Slovaks.
Of course, I watched Budapest TV too.
I loved it so much that all the bridges were lit
behind the newsman.
I thought I should probably live there once -
among the real Hungarians.
But at that time, I didn't know we were different from them too.
(Laughter)
My mom decided to take us shopping to Győr.
She asked the school to excuse us from lessons that day too.
She said we could both get dresses.
My sister and I were so excited to go that we could hardly sleep.
I had this idea
that in Győr, I'd speak as the people on TV - without an accent.
We parked our car in front of the Arabona shopping center.
As we were walking down the street,
I saw Hungarian signs saying "Restaurant" and "Café,"
and I loved it so much - the fact that things were written in Hungarian.
"Oh, my God, we can speak Hungarian here!"
"How very wonderful!"
My mother met Gizike, who had a boutique,
and they had become good friends.
Gizike used a lot of very interesting words,
such as "wassup" or "yeah."
(Laughter)
Later I tried to add these words to the dialect we spoke
but unfortunately, they just didn't work.
(Laughter)
Then I saw my mom and my sister talking to Gizike in the boutique,
while the other two assistants were whispering and giggling.
I knew they were laughing
because my sister and my mom had an accent.
Today, I am very angry at myself about this,
but then I wished my sister and my mother spoke the kind of beautiful Hungarian
I learned from TV.
It was probably when we got home that I first asked myself
why I could not be just one kind of person:
either Hungarian only or Slovak only.
And that was the time when I realized we are foreigners in Hungary too.
Meanwhile at the school, we were constantly talking about
whether the government would give permission for bilingual certificates:
Slovak and Hungarian, or they would be Slovak only.
A lot of people turned Slovak in the village.
A lot of people sent their children to Slovak schools,
and in their little books they didn't give Hungarian as their nationality,
but Slovak.
Parents kept explaining that their kids would be better off this way.
I entered poem recitation competitions, both Hungarian and Slovak,
and I did well in them.
My teachers used to say
that I could speak Hungarian as the people in Hungary
because I had inherited the "a" sound from Pográny -
this is where my mother is from -
and it was not as ugly as the one in the Cétény dialect.
(Laughter)
I was very happy about that. (Laughter)
And then I decided to become an actress in Pest.
I know a lot of people thought it was a stupid idea,
and I wouldn't succeed,
but they still said: "Go for it, Sandrika!"
Then I went on to study at Selye János High School in Komárno,
as I knew they had a drama club.
In Slovak classes, I was surprised to see
that from the Slovak Komárno district
only about three of my classmates spoke Slovak well.
Understandably, as in that part of the country,
there are so many Hungarians,
that you can talk to shop assistants in Hungarian.
And then I was very proud of myself:
"Oh, my God! I have been able to speak another language ever since I was a kid -
how cool!"
Now I was very happy with my Slovak, which I had despised many times earlier.
Then I applied to the University of Theater Arts.
For the entrance exam, I prepared with a monologue I performed in dialect,
that is, in my mother tongue,
as Palóc is my mother tongue.
And that was the trump card.
The language I had hated and had felt ashamed of suddenly turned special.
I found the place where people appreciated that I could speak it.
They found it unique.
I went to Máté Gábor's class.
One day in a drama class we had this task:
"Walk your dog in a way
that we can guess the dog's breed."
(Laughter)
It looked something like this:
"Lydia, come here! Come here! Stop barking! Sweetie, come here at once!"
Something like that.
Then Gábor said, "OK, now go out, Sandra, think about this a bit,
then come back and do the whole thing again in Slovak."
Okay.
(Slovak) "Lídia, k nohe. Pod' sem. Nerozumieš? Nepočuješ? Neštekaj!"
It was something like this.
Then Gábor said,
"Sandra, it was much better in Slovak."
(Laughter)
"You were a lot more authentic."
And then I really didn't understand anything.
I had a great time in Budapest, and I thought that was where I belonged,
and I could make this place my home.
When I went back home to Nagycétény, I was talking to my dad,
and I probably said something very "Hungarian,"
and he retorted,
(Palóc) "Stop acting the gal from Budapest role to me! Understood?"
When some time later I worked at a theater,
I was travelling in a taxi and asked the driver
if he was a theatergoer.
I kept asking people this question at that time.
(Laughter)
And he said he wasn't
as there were only Slovaks and Romanians on the stage.
(Laughter)
"These people from outside the borders are just everywhere!"
And then I told him, "G'day! I'm someone from outside the borders too."
(Laughter)
It has always been other people who had a problem with this.
It was always others who found it tough to decide if I was Hungarian, Slovakian,
or both at the same time.
It was always others who wanted to tell me what I should think about this.
It was always others who decided which language I should speak.
It was always others who decided
whether I should feel ashamed or proud.
When I graduated from the university,
I got a contract at Katona József Theater.
Of course, as all actors, I was longing for an award.
Especially, as I wanted to get feedback
to find out whether other people are happy that I've become on actress,
or is it only me?
I didn't receive the Award for the Best Actress under 30
or the one for Most Promising Actress,
or the Boston Society of Film Critics Award.
Then I found out that the Junior Prima Award Committee
had voted to give me the recognition.
But there was a little problem:
my Slovak citizenship.
They said I could get the award if I acquired Hungarian citizenship,
but I knew that if I took Hungarian citizenship
I would lose my Slovak citizenship,
which I did not want to happen - not even for the award -
because I have family there; that's my home.
I was very angry with the person who had made this decision.
I didn't understand why it wasn't enough that I am an actress here,
I went to school here,
I play here.
I cried a lot. I could have gotten an award.
But being a Slovak Hungarian cut in.
Two more years passed
and then I received the Award for the Best European Actress.
(Applause)
It was an award
that is not Hungarian, not Slovak,
it had nothing to do at all with my national identity.
Before I went up to the stage I thought I would say thank you
in both Slovak and Hungarian, if I won.
But when I was finally standing there
I was completely unable to say these words.
What's more, I was so moved to tears that I couldn't even speak,
because this award finally meant
that is doesn't matter where I come from, or where I am living,
or what language I use.
A couple of months later my dad called.
I was chosen one of the most influential public figures of the year in Slovakia.
(Laughter)
Three months later I learned I would get the Jászai Mari Award -
here in Hungary.
Throughout my life I have met
anger, hatred, bad words or shame
because of my identity.
Yet, I have always been sure that I want to choose peace.
I can decide to be angry over all this,
or to feel special about it.
(Applause) (Cheering)