-Our next guest has his standup special "Romantic Comedy"
premiering November 11th on HBO Max.
Please welcome the very funny Ian Lara.
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
-Oh, man. This is nice. Thank you, guys.
It's really nice to be here.
We're approaching my favorite time of the year --
dating season.
That wonderful time of the year when everybody except you
is in a happy committed relationship.
I see some of you guys in here tonight.
You know, you guys look good. I'm not here to make fun of you.
I like couples. I want to be in a couple.
My own. I don't want to join your couple.
You got to be clear about that now.
There's people out here be in a happy relationship,
then they just want other people to join their couple.
There's a word for them. What do you call those people
that want to date multiple partners?
-Throuples! -Men. That's the word.
[ Laughter and applause ]
We started that. They're trying to take it away from us.
We was doing it before it was mainstream.
Women can do it now, too, though, now
because women are up.
You know, you ladies, you guys --
you control dating now.
Which is fine. I'm not upset. We had a good run.
300,000 years. It was fun.
Y'all got to give us time to adjust now, though.
A lot of new rules when it comes to dating.
Like, I just found this out. Did you guys know that women
don't get sad after breakups anymore?
[ Laughter ]
When did this happen?
I thought you broke up with a lady,
she was supposed to be sad.
That's what every R&B song in the '90s
said was gonna happen.
Y'all remember every Mary J. Blige song
had a girl crying under a staircase or in a hallway?
That's what I thought was gonna happen
when I broke up with somebody.
Because your friends, they'll lie to you.
They'll be like, "Don't worry. She's not going anywhere.
You got time to figure it out. She'll be right there."
Not anymore.
You break up with a woman now,
she starts living her best life immediately.
[ Cheers and applause ]
No. No.
It's rude. It's rude. I don't like it.
You get into an argument tonight,
in the morning she's posting from Bali.
Like, when did you have time...
to fly to Indonesia?
I wanted to watch the game. You flew to Indonesia?!
A friend of mine is going through a breakup,
and she asked me straight-up.
She was like, "Why are men so immature?"
So I gave her an honest answer. I was like,
"It's 'cause when it comes to relationships,
we got to figure this stuff out on our own."
There's nobody we can speak to.
That's why it takes us longer. You know?
It's nice to have somebody you can speak to
when you're going through relationship problems,
somebody to give you a clear perspective.
That's nice. Y'all think we don't want that?
But who we gonna speak to? Men?
[ Laughter ]
You ever had a good conversation with a man about anything?
Now really think about that. Juggle your memory.
What was the last time you left a conversation with an adult man
thinking, "Nah, I'm glad I did that.
He understood exactly what I was talking about."
[ Laughter and applause ]
"This wasn't a complete waste of time."
Men don't give good advice.
I don't care how old you are, no man in here gives good advice.
And it's not 'cause we're stupid.
I don't like that narrative. Men are not stupid.
We're selfish. It's different.
[ Laughter ]
We only care about ourselves.
Like, you come talk to me about relationships, I'll talk to you.
But I'm-a be honest with you. I'm a single guy.
Single guys, we just want all of our boys to be single with us
so we can run the town together.
So you come talk to me, I might ruin your life.
I'm being honest. Any minor inconvenience,
I'm like, "Dude, you don't need to be with her.
Those kids are 6 and 7 years old.
They're practically adults. Pack your bags.
It's wing night. We're going out.
You're 47. You're too young to be thinking about a family.
You have time."
See, women, you guys are good at advice.
'Cause y'all have coaching. Y'all got guidance. You know?
Y'all going through relationship problems,
y'all get on the phone, you have a whole team of women
that will take a week off work and move into your apartment.
Have your living room looking like the Pentagon War Room
with TV monitors and graphs and charts
all over the living room so they can dissect every message
he's ever sent to you, ever.
Then they'll move on to phase two.
Y'all know what phase two is? It's a brunch.
They'll schedule a small brunch.
That's what they'll call it. "A small brunch."
67 women will show up to a restaurant.
On a Sunday afternoon dressed like they going to the Met Gala.
And that's where the real work gets done.
They'll decide as a unit. You think they're partying.
They're not partying. They're having a meeting.
That's what a meeting looks like.
And that's when they decide
when you text back, when you don't text back,
when you block him, when you unblock him.
Now they're so sophisticated, these women,
they don't even need to ask any questions about him.
They just got to know two things.
Two things they need to know. That's it.
When's his birthday and what time he was born.
They can tell you everything you need to know
about his personality.
These women don't play fair.
That's why I always tell men, "Guys, listen, you got to stop
telling women when your real birthday is."
I'm serious. They research it.
They learn everything they need to know about you
and they'll use it against you.
Don't tell them. You got to do what I do.
I don't tell women my real birthday.
I'll ask you when your birthday is,
then I'll go on Google
and I'll look up the best match with your birthday.
Then I'll pretend that's my birthday.
Every time we get into an argument, I'm like,
"I don't know what to tell you.
The stars say we belong together, so..."
I'm Ian Lara. You guys have been fantastic.
Thank you, guys.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-That's the way you do it. That was unbelievable.
Ian Lara!
"Romantic Comedy" premieres November 11th on HBO Max.
We'll be right back, everybody. Come on back.