- Today I wanna talk a little bit about shame.
I know, sounds super exciting.
But I think it's important,
because I feel like the word shame in my mind
used to always be attached to the word ashamed.
Like I'm ashamed of things that I did in my 20s,
which I think we would all agree
we've done a lot of things in our life
that we're ashamed of.
Like, I am forever grateful to the fact
that social media didn't exist for me
until I was pretty much out of college and grad school.
Feeling ashamed and having that kind of worry
about things like, "Oh, I don't want to do that
"'cause I don't want to be the,
"oh, I don't want to be embarrassed about that,"
"and oof, (groans), right?
That keeps us in line, kind of,
and there is some level of shame
that I think is almost healthy and, just hear me out.
It's what prevents us from breaking the law all the time,
or maybe hurting other people,
and I know a lot of you are thinking,
"Well, Kati, I wouldn't wanna do that anyways."
I'm just saying for some people,
it's the fear of shame or embarrassment from other people
that will keep them from doing things
that could be hurtful or harmful.
And so, in some ways shame can be a good thing
and it can also kind of keep us in line or keep us in check.
However, again, that's just a very small amount of it,
just enough to keep us honest, right?
However, when shame becomes chronic,
becomes something that's so pervasive in our life
that it's palpable, right, we can feel it, it's everywhere.
It's throughout each and every day.
That's when it's a problem.
When the shame is, we feel ashamed so frequently
that we will start to believe
that something must inherently be wrong with us,
that we must be broken in some way,
that all the bad things that have happened to us,
we were so deserving of it, right?
Because something's wrong with me.
And, you know, I'm unfixable.
I can't tell you how many people reach out all the time
saying, "I think I'm unhelpable or unfixable"
and that's born out of shame.
And one of the most common causes of shame
is actually trauma.
And that's kind of why we've been talking about it so much,
right, because when we're traumatized by someone
who we care about, meaning like a mother,
father, family member, maybe even a babysitter,
just someone else in our life
that was supposed to be a caregiver,
someone that we thought we could trust,
or someone who's supposed to take care of us, right,
when we're hurt by someone like that,
we can struggle to make sense of it
'cause it doesn't make sense.
Why would someone in our family,
or someone who's there to take care of us or love us,
why would they do something hurtful?
Right?
Instead of understanding, "Hey, that person is a bad person
"and they're doing bad things and I don't trust them
"and I shouldn't be around them."
Right, instead of that response, we have this response
where we're like, "I must have done something to cause it.
"They're supposed to love me, so maybe I brought this on.
"I must have done something to trigger this."
Right, we try to make sense using ourselves
and blaming ourselves.
And it's through that blame, that shame is born, right?
"Something must be wrong with me. That's why they did this.
"There's no other way to explain it."
And that's the story that we keep telling ourselves.
And I was, I did a podcast recently
and I think it will actually come out after this video,
but with this woman Jessica who works at a treatment center,
it's the APN Lodge in Colorado.
She was talking about how the brain
really loves to be correct.
And that was such a profound statement because,
you know I'm always saying your thoughts aren't facts.
Just 'cause you have thoughts and you have more thoughts
about something, that's not proof
and those aren't facts.
But because we have them repeatedly, right,
we start to try to believe them
and our brain tries to make it true
because the brain likes to be right.
And so if our brain starts to believe,
"Something must be wrong with me,
"that's why this keeps happening."
It's gonna seek out more experiences, more situations,
and more proof, more unhealthy thoughts
to help continue feeding this quote, unquote correct belief.
It's incorrect, but what it believes is true.
Does that make sense?
And so in doing so, our brain's gonna seek out people
who have very similar attributes
to the person who abused us.
We're gonna maybe seek out relationships
and general friendships, romantic ones, with, you know,
people who have similar, that treat us in a similar way.
And we're gonna continue to tell ourselves a story
over and over that we're not lovable, we're not enough.
It's always gonna be this way.
And in a way it's like we almost self-sabotage,
or create our own reality around it,
for better or for worse.
And so anyways, I just wanted to talk about that
'cause I thought that was such a powerful statement
and it so deeply applies to shame
because our brain wants to prove itself correct
and so it's gonna seek out things
to maybe really end up hurting us,
but it proves it to be right.
And then it's like, "Aha, I told you this was correct."
Or, "I told you this was a threat."
I also believe shame can develop
when we keep hurting ourselves
with past things that we're ashamed of.
I believe that happens a lot for many of us
as a result of drug or alcohol addiction
or gambling addiction, shopping addiction,
eating disorder behavior, self-injury behavior,
suicidal attempts, or thoughts, or anything.
The list goes on and on and on and on and on.
And the reason I believe this turns into
the shame or toxic shame or whatever you want to call it
is because instead of admitting, first of all,
I know it's really hard to admit we have a problem
if we're, have an addiction.
But instead of understanding, "Hey, I have this problem.
"I'm gonna try to work on it."
Which again, I know is difficult.
It's the first step for a reason, right,
admitting that you have a problem,
but instead of working to process it through,
we take those experiences,
those things that we'd done that we wish we hadn't,
and we beat ourselves up with it over
and over it and over, telling ourselves these stories
of the bad things we've done so much so
that that ashamed feeling becomes chronic and turns into,
you know, full-blown toxic shame.
And I would even say that anxiety feeds into this
because I personally, (laughs)
these memes speak to me, those memes that are like, no one,
and it's like me at night.
And it's like, "Remember that thing you did 10 years ago?"
Why does our brain do that?
I have that struggle, too, where
when I'm already feeling stressed out
and having a rough day, I lay down to go to bed at night
and my brain replays all the times I've acted like an idiot.
It's like, "Remember that time that you,"
I don't even know, like,
"that you drank more than you expected to
"and said that stupid thing to one of your friends,"
that she forgave you for and it was no big deal.
However, you were embarrassed later
and you regretted it, right?
I can replay, and I don't even know.
I mean, it's like, I don't even wanna get into it
'cause some of it's, I'm embarrassed of still.
But those are stories that I could tell myself over and over
and over and over again, to what end?
Just to make me feel worse.
And I don't understand why that happens,
but I can tell you how to get out of it.
And it's something that I will get into that in a minute.
But anyway, I'm just saying
that I think a lot of this shame can be born
out of these things that we've done.
And instead of allowing ourselves to be like,
"Yeah, I fucked up and that was uncomfortable. Move on."
We just keep telling ourselves that story on repeat
and again, kind of to prove our brain right, right,
we keep doing it and doing it and doing it
and saying it and saying and saying it
until we're struggling then with toxic shame feelings.
Okay. Okay, just checking my notes.
So what do we do?
Now the first thing that we have to do
when it comes to shame is figure out the root cause.
And I know a lot of you are like, "Well,
"it's that stupid thing I did a long time ago
"'cause I keep telling myself about it
"and I wish I didn't do it."
Or, "It's that addiction that I have,"
or, 'It's the trauma from my childhood."
Yes and no.
Yes, part of it, like I said,
can be those stories we retell ourselves,
but it's not actually the thing that we did
or the thing that happened to us
that is the root of the shame.
Just hear me out. I know that sounds weird, but hear me out.
So I did something stupid.
I got too drunk at this party
and said something to my girlfriend I wish I hadn't.
Okay, and that was like, you guys, like so long ago,
I don't even know why I still beat myself up about it,
but hello so much, so nice.
But anyways, so let's take that kind of an example.
It's not just that that is causing me
to feel even shittier about it today.
It's that rumination. It's the repeat of that story.
And it's the things that I tell myself about it,
that I'm stupid, that no one's gonna like me,
that I'm never doing enough, I'm not good enough, right.
There can be these like repeat messages
or these really unhealthy beliefs
that we have about ourselves,
and that is where the shame is born.
That's where the shame really comes from.
Because think about it.
Like if I had done that and then my friend was like,
"I dunno, I was drunk too. I don't even remember."
That's the scenario. "Don't worry about it."
If I'd let it go and was like,
"Okay, I won't worry about it.
"You said, don't worry about it."
Wouldn't that be awesome if someone's like,
"Don't worry about it," and you're like, "I won't."
Imagine that, but don't worry about it.
Move on, and I just moved on.
That wouldn't be a shameful experience for me.
I wouldn't ruminate on that
and beat myself up about it later.
It's in that ruminating and beating myself up
that the shame is born.
Does that make sense? Are you following?
And so figuring out the root is going to be key,
and it's really hard, but it's totally possible
because that root is actually,
and I know you're gonna hate this,
but it's actually, usually, like 90% of the time,
maybe more, from childhood.
Meaning that there are some patterns in the way
that we have either talked to ourselves
or someone else has talked to us,
or maybe we were even told like through our family dynamic
that it's not okay for us to say certain things
or act in certain ways, right?
There are these patterns throughout our life
that we are so used to.
Like, I call it family dances.
We know that music and we know those steps
and we're so used to it we can just keep doing it
in our sleep, and we take that into adulthood
and we continue to do it even if it's harmful, right?
Even if that pattern of behavior,
or that dance as we're calling it,
is something that makes us feel like shit.
We just perpetuate it 'cause we don't know another dance.
I don't know any other steps. All I know is the Macarena.
That's all I can, could you imagine?
That's all I can do, right?
And until someone teaches us new steps to take,
we'll just keep telling ourselves that unhealthy stuff.
Like I'm not lovable. I'm not enough.
No one's gonna ever want me. I'm too stupid.
I'm too lazy. I don't, I'll always be alone.
I'm just, those are just some of the most common ones
that I hear.
And so recognizing those patterns,
that's how we really get to the root.
And it might take a minute, it might take some therapy
before, 'cause I'll be honest.
When I was in therapy for three years at college
and then I came home for Christmas,
it was like after I had done a lot of deep work
and I'd been really doing the icky stuff
that you really hate and you don't wanna do
and you're like push back,
I'd been doing that stuff in therapy.
And I'd realized all these patterns,
like my family doesn't like to argue.
So when people yell, I have a really hard time
and I do either the shutdown or the lash out,
and there's like no in between
and it's really messed with my relationships in my life.
And so realizing that, when I went home,
I saw it playing out and I was like,
"Oh no, no, I don't want to do this dance.
"I don't do this stuff-it-down dance anymore.
"I tell you what's happening. I talk more clearly."
And it was different. It was hard.
And if I didn't sleep well or felt extra stressed,
I'd pull back into it and I'd do the same thing.
And so just be compassionate and patient with yourself
as we try to identify some of these shame,
like almost like shame breeding grounds,
these patterns that aren't helpful for us
and why we keep having those nasty messages
that we tell ourselves over and over again.
Is this making sense? I hope so.
So anyways, that's really how we work to fix it.
And then, so once we have the root, right,
we've recognized these patterns of the Macarena dance,
we don't want to do anymore, than what?
Then we have to do the stuff I always talk about,
using bridge statements to move some of those shame-filled,
repetitive thoughts into a healthier, happier place.
Remember bridge statements aren't positive statements.
It's like, instead of me saying to myself,
"Kati, you're such a lazy sack of shit,"
I would say, "I'm open to the belief
"that I might be
"being just slightly too hard on myself, maybe.
"Maybe sometimes I can get some things done, maybe."
Right, it's these maybes, these possibilities,
I'm open, even if it's just
I'm open to thinking differently.
I don't think differently, but I'm open to it, right?
Those are those bridge statements, we have to build.
Think of actually building a bridge between, you know,
nasty self-talk island and like,
(gasps) oh, isn't it so lovely.
I always only think good things.
Nobody only thinks good things, but I'm just saying.
Right, we have these two islands
and we're gonna build this bridge between them.
Those first few chunks of bridge,
they're not gonna be anywhere near positive,
but they're also not gonna be
totally trash talking negative.
They're gonna be kind of in this like
open-to-change space.
So pay attention to some of those common thoughts
that you have, like, "I'm so stupid.
"Why'd I do that?" those things.
And let's try to be open, maybe, to some new thoughts.
And then, so we have bridge statements,
then the second way to work on it,
I know a lot of you are gonna cringe,
but group therapy can be really healing,
if trauma or addiction or eating disorders,
any of the things I talked about,
if you have a past or a present
with those things in your life,
group therapy can help you
learn how to show yourself some compassion,
because you're gonna offer it to someone else.
I know you will. I see it all the time.
So many of you are in groups right now and you're like,
"Someone shared a story and man, it was so brave of her.
"She was so vulnerable."
And I'm like, "Did you share a story before?"
"Well, yeah, but."
I'm like, "Don't negate what you did
"while you offer it to someone else."
So being in group can not only help us
be reminded we're not alone
and we're not crazy for thinking this way,
but it also flexes that compassion and understanding muscle.
And I'm just here to tell you that as we flex it
and work it for other people,
we can start to feel it ourselves
and I think that's really key,
especially when we're trying to
untangle ourselves from shame.
And then the third, and final, is, I don't remember.
I have to look at my notes, hold on. (laughs)
Inner child work, of course.
You guys would be so lucky if I forgot that one.
But inner child work is really key here
because if the shame patterns
or the trauma occurred when we were younger,
we're gonna have to do some repairing there,
and having some of those conversations back and forth
to our inner child, whether it's through letter writing,
whether it's through conversations we have
while looking at a photo of ourselves at that age,
whatever it is or however we can tap
into that child of ourselves,
we all have an inner child, they're very active.
Sometimes we're just like letting them run rampant
without any parental control. (laughs)
And so the sooner we can try to tap in
and have those conversations,
the sooner we can maybe understand where we're coming from,
remember what it was like prior to a traumatic event,
or before the shame thoughts
had gotten so deeply embedded in our brain,
that it's almost like (snaps) a knee-jerk reaction, right,
can be really helpful, not only helpful,
but also healing, to get that conversation going
and to do some of that work so that, again,
we're kind of working on that root
and healing the root of the shame.
Yeah, I know that's a lot to take in.
But it's just been something that,
it's something that's been on my mind
and something I've been thinking about
because I think a lot of shame is based in fear
and fear and shame like feed off of each other.
And then we don't talk about it
and we don't do anything to feel better about it
and it just ends up, It's like turning, you know,
it's like a snowball, right, it just starts,
or what you say growing up, everybody back home always says,
turning a molehill into a mountain.
We make it a much larger problem, right?
Because some shame isn't bad.
I know it's not comfortable,
but some of it just keeps us in check.
But when it becomes chronic,
we know how uncomfortable that is
when you're trying to go to bed
and your brain is just going,
or you're just even sitting at work
and your brain is just spinning with all the nasty things
they could think about you and things that you've done.
And I'm here to tell you that it can get better.
I still work on it personally, but it can get better.
And I would love to hear your thoughts, your feelings,
things that you've learned about it
or ways that you've worked through it in therapy.
Let me know in those comments down below
and I'll see you next time, bye
(gentle upbeat music)