SUMMER IS JUST AROUND THE CORNER.
MANY PEOPLE ARE PLANNING THEIR SUMMER VACATIONS.
NOT OUT OF PENN STATION. HERE IS SOMEONE WHO RECENTLY
WENT ON A VACATION TO ROME, LESLIE JONES.
>> I WANT TO GIVE YOU SOME GOOD, GOOD LOVING.
YEAH. HELLO, COLIN JOST.
>> WOW. THAT'S VERY FORMAL.
I WAS EXPECTING SOMETHING LIKE YOU LITTLE VANILLA BEAN.
>> I'M SORRY. I DON'T NEED TO DO THAT ANYMORE.
I AM NO LONGER THIRSTY. FINALLY THE NATIONAL CRISIS IS
OVER. I MET SOMEONE.
NOW, I DON'T KNOW IF I EVER MENTIONED THIS TO YOU BEFORE,
BUT I HAVE A LITTLE TROUBLE IN THE MEN DEPARTMENT.
I DID WHAT ANY BLACK WOMAN WITH MAN TROUBLE, FREE TIME, AND A
PASSPORT WOULD DO. I WENT TO JAMAICA.
AND I DID EVERYTHING. I GOT MY HAIR BRAIDED, I SMOKED
A LITTLE WEED, COCONUT OILED MYSELF UP, SMOKED A LOT MORE
WEED. I PUT ON A LITTLE ALLEN DRESS
WITH THE FRINGES THAT MAKE YOUR BOOTY LOOK THICK.
>> NICE. WOULD YOU SAY YOU GOT YOUR
GROOVE BACK? >> NEVER SAY THAT AGAIN.
LOOK AT ME. NEVER.
>> SORRY. >> SO I WENT TO THE CLUB AND IN
THE FIVE MINUTES I WAS NOT LOOKING, A REAL MAN WALKED UP
THE STAIRS AND FOUND ME AND IT WAS -- YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?
>> YES, I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE SAYING.
TELL ME MORE ABOUT IT. DETAILS, DETAILS.
>> LET ME EXPLAIN. FOR WHAT HE DID TO ME IN THAT
SHOWER, I SHOULD IN A TINY ROOM WITH A TINY TABLE SITTING AT A
TINY CHAIR, WRITING ON A TINY PIECE OF PAPER IN TINY LETTERS.
>> WAIT. WHY?
>> BECAUSE IT WAS SACRED. WE DID THE DO NOT EVERYWHERE.
ON THE BALCONY, IN THE HAMMOCK. IN THE CLIFFS WITH A BUNCH OF
SEA CREATURES EVERYWHERE. COLIN, HAVE YOU EVER HAD SEX
WITH A BUNCH OF CRABS WATCHING YOU?
>> I HAVE NOT. >> THE CRABS ARE LIKE -- NOW, I
USED TO HATE WHEN MY FRIENDS SAY YOU ARE NOT GOING TO FIND A MAN
UNTIL YOU STOP LOOKING. I WAS ALWAYS LOOKING.
I WAS ADVERTISING MY AS LIKE A BEGINSU KNIVES.
THIS BOOTY CAN CUT THROUGH A CAN AND STILL SLICE THROUGH A TOMATO
AFTERWARDS. IN JAMAICA I REALIZED I DIDN'T
NEED TO TRY SO HARD. ALL I NEEDED TO DO WAS BE ME.
>> THAT'S GREAT ADVICE. I'M HAPPY TO HEAR THAT.
I FEEL LEFT OUT, I GUESS. >> OH, COLIN.
YOU ALWAYS FIND A WAY TO BRING IT BACK TO YOU, DON'T YOU.
SELFISH AS. YOU DELICIOUS COCONUT MILK
SHAKE. YOU WILL ALWAYS BE MY VANILLA
BACK UP. AND YOU CAN ALWAYS COME OVER AND
WATCH ME LIKE ONE OF THOSE CRABS.
>> LESLIE JONES, EVERYONE. THAT'S WEEKEND UPDATE.