WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
>> TEXTING.
>> Stephen: YOU'RE ON THE CLOCK NOW.
IS THIS WORK FOR THE SHOW?
>> YES, YES.
>> Stephen: THIS IS NOT PRIVATE, RIGHT?
>> NO, IT'S VERY IMPORTANT FOR THE SHOW.
>> Stephen: BECAUSE YOU'RE A CBS EMPLOYEE AT THE MOMENT.
>> VERY IMPORTANT.
>> Stephen: IT'S HARD TO GET GOOD HELP.
WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.
YOU KNOW, IT'S NO SECRET, I GOT A LITTLE THING FOR SCIENCE.
I'M INTO THE LIFESTYLE, BY WHICH I MEAN CONTINUING TO LIVE.
BECAUSE RIGHT NOW, OUR COUNTRY IS IN THE MIDDLE OF A FIERCE
DEBATE ABOUT LISTENING TO MEDICAL EXPERTS OR DIVING LIKE A
DRUNKEN FRAT BOY INTO THE GULLET OF A CROCODILE WHICH HAS LED TO
A LOT OF FAMILY DEBATES LIKE THIS.
>> LUKE, IT'S PERFECTLY SAFE FOR ME TO GO BOWLING!
>> OH, THAT'S NOT TRUE!
THAT'S IRRESPONSIBLE!
>> Stephen: YOU STICK YOUR GROUND, LUKE.
YOUR DAD'S HIGH-RISK.
WHILE TRUMP KEEPS TRYING TO LURE US OUT OF SAFETY, HEALTH EXPERTS
ARE WARNING OF DIRE CONSEQUENCES.
THE LATEST IS FORMER H.H.S.
OFFICIAL AND KMTV WEEKEND WEATHERMAN, RICK BRIGHT.
LAST WEEK, DR. BRIGHT FILED A WHISTLEBLOWER COMPLAINT ALLEGING
HE WAS CANNED IN RETALIATION FOR OPPOSING THE BROAD USE OF
CHLOROQUINE.
YES, TRUMP PROMOTED, CHLOROQUINE, HYDROXYCHLOROQUINE,
AND HIS FAVORITE CURE CLORO-ROX.
WELL, TODAY, BRIGHT TESTIFIED BEFORE CONGRESS.
BUT EVEN BEFORE THE HEARING BEGAN, TRUMP WENT ON THE
OFFENSIVE TWEETING, "I DON'T KNOW THE SO-CALLED WHISTLEBLOWER
RICK BRIGHT, NEVER MET HIM OR EVEN HEARD OF HIM, BUT TO ME HE
IS A DISGRUNTLED EMPLOYEE, NOT LIKED OR RESPECTED BY PEOPLE I
SPOKE TO AND WHO, WITH HIS ATTITUDE, SHOULD NO LONGER BE
WORKING FOR OUR GOVERNMENT!" THAT'S QUITE A PREAMBLE!
(AS TRUMP) "BEFORE I ASSASSINATE THIS GUY'S
CHARACTER, LET ME FIRST SAY, I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M TALKING
ABOUT."
THE HEARING WAS NOT REASSURING.
STARTING WITH THIS WARNING FROM DR. BRIGHT:
>> IF WE FAIL TO IMPROVE OUR RESPONSE NOW BASED ON SCIENCE, I
FEAR THE PANDEMIC WILL GET WORSE AND BE PROLONGED.
THERE WILL BE LIKELY A RESURGENCE OF COVID-19 THIS FALL
AND IT WILL BE GREATLY COMPOUNDED BY THE CHALLENGES OF
SEASONAL INFLUENZA.
WITHOUT BETTER PLANNING, 2020 COULD BE THE DARKEST WINTER IN
MODERN HISTORY.
>> STEPHEN: HE WAS REALLY DRIVING HOME THE "DARKEST
WINTER" POINT, AS WAS HIS LAWYER, JON SNOW, ESQUIRE.
DR. BRIGHT EXPLAINED WHY HE THINKS WE'RE HEADED TO DISASTER.
>> WE DON'T HAVE A SINGLE POINT OF LEADERSHIP RIGHT NOW FOR THIS
RESPONSE.
>> STEPHEN: WAIT, ISN'T THE PRESIDENT SUPPOSED TO BE THE
SINGLE POINT?
THOUGH, ADMITTEDLY, HE'S MORE OF A LUMPY SPHERE.
AND DR. BRIGHT SAYS OUR LACK OF PLANNING IS ESPECIALLY BAD WHEN
IT COMES TO TESTING.
>> WE NEED A NATIONAL TESTING STRATEGY.
THE VIRUS IS HERE.
IT'S EVERYWHERE.
>> STEPHEN: YES, A SENTIMENT ECHOES BY ASSOCIATE DIRECTOR
OF THE C.D.C., DR. GEORGE BAILEY:
>> THE, THE VIRUS IS NOT HERE.
WELL, YOUR VIRUS IN JOE'S HOUSE... THAT'S RIGHT NEXT TO
YOURS.
AND IN THE KENNEDY HOUSE, AND MRS. MACKLIN'S HOUSE, AND
AND A HUNDRED OTHERS.
>> STEPHEN: THEN, DR. BRIGHT DESCRIBED A CHILLING MOMENT,
WHEN HE HEARD FROM A MASK AND RESPIRATOR MANUFACTURER.
>> CONGRESSMAN, I'LL NEVER FORGET THE EMAIL I RECEIVED FROM
MIKE BOWEN INDICATING WE ARE-- OUR MASKS SUPPLY, OUR N95
RESPIRATOR SUPPLY WAS COMPLETELY DECIMATED.
AND HE SAID, "WE'RE IN DEEP (BLEEP).
>> Stephen: YES, THANKS TO POOR PLANNING, AMERICA'S IN DEEP
(BLEEP).
OR AS TRUMP WOULD PUT IT: >> PROMISES MADE, PROMISES KEPT.
>> Stephen: THEN, DR. BRIGHT RECOUNTED A SURPRISING MEETING
HE HAD WITH THE SECRETARY OF HEALTH AND HUMAN SERVICES.
Alex Azar.
>> I CAME IN WITH MY LIST OF NEEDS, AND THOSE LISTS WERE
MONEY, PEOPLE, AND VIRUSES.
MY REQUEST WAS MET WITH A BIT OF SURPRISE, EMPUZZLEMENT.
I REMEMBER SECRETARY AZAR LOOKING AROUND THE ROOM SAYING,
"YOU NEED MONEY?
MAYBE THERE IS MONEY SOMEWHERE?" >> STEPHEN: FIRST, I'M
DEFINITELY ADDING THE WORD "EMPUZZLEMENT" TO MY VOCABULARY
IMMEDIATELY.
SECOND, YOU'D THINK THAT ALEX AZAR, WHO USED TO BE A
PHARMACEUTICAL EXECUTIVE, WOULD UNDERSTAND THAT MEDICINE COSTS
MONEY.
THE FACT THAT HE DOESN'T KNOW THAT FILLS ME WITH EMPUZZLEMENT.
WITH THE NEWS FOCUSED ON TODAY'S DISTURBING TESTIMONY, IT WAS
ONLY A MATTER OF TIME BEFORE TRUMP TRIED TO OUTSHINE DOCTOR
BRIGHT, IN TODAY'S EDITION OF: >> "CHOPPER TALK."
>> STEPHEN: NO SURPRISE, TRUMP THREW SHADE ON DOCTOR BRIGHT.
>> TO ME, I WATCHED THIS GUY FOR A LITTLE WHILE THIS MORNING, TO
ME HE IS NOTHING MORE THAN A REALLY DISGRUNTLED, UNHAPPY
PERSON.
>> STEPHEN: AND HE KNOWS A DISGRUNTLED, UNHAPPY PERSON
WHEN HE SEES ONE.
HE MARRIED THREE OF THEM.
TRUMP WAS OPTIMISTIC ABOUT A VACCINE, AND REVEALED A PLAN TO
GET IT DISTRIBUTED.
>> I THINK WE'RE GOING TO HAVE A VACCINE BY THE END OF THE YEAR
AND I THINK DISTRIBUTION WILL TAKE PLACE ALMOST
SIMULTANEOUSLY, BECAUSE WE'VE GEARED UP THE MILITARY.
>> STEPHEN: THE MILITARY?
YES, THEY'RE GOING TO HAVE SEAL TEAM SICK LOAD THE SYRINGES INTO
THEIR RIFLES.
YOU JUST ROLL UP YOUR SLEEVE, WALK NEAR A WINDOW, AND WAIT FOR
THE LITTLE RED DOT TO APPEAR ON YOUR ARM.
THEN TRUMP WAS ASKED WHETHER THE SHOCKING DEATH COUNT WAS
ACCURATE.
HE DIDN'T KNOW, BUT HE DID HAVE THESE WORDS OF COMFORT.
>> DEATH IS DEATH, WE DON'T WANT PEOPLE DYING IN THIS COUNTRY.
WE'VE DONE A GREAT JOB.
>> Stephen: WHAT A LOVELY CONDOLENCE CARD.
"SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS, DEATH IS DEATH, WE'VE DONE A GREAT JOB."
BRIGHT'S TESTIMONY ECHOES WHAT CONGRESS WAS TOLD BY INFECTIOUS
DISEASE EXPERT AND VETERINARIAN YOUR MOM BRINGS THE DOG TO WAY
TOO OFTEN, DR. ANTHONY FAUCI.
ON TUESDAY, FAUCI TESTIFIED ON CAPITOL HILL THAT WE NEED TO BE
CAUTIOUS BEFORE WE REOPEN SCHOOLS IN THE FALL, BUT THIS
MORNING ON THE FOX BUSINESS FESTIVAL, TRUMP SAID THAT HE
WANTS TO GET THE SCHOOLS OPEN, AND HE WANTS TO DO IT FAST.
>> WE HAVE TO GET THE SCHOOLS OPENED AND WE HAVE TO GET OUR
COUNTRY OPEN.
NOW, WE WANT TO DO IT SAFELY, BUT WE ALSO WANT TO DO IT AS
QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE.
>> STEPHEN: YES, AND AS WE KNOW, THE WAY TO DO SOMETHING SAFELY
IS TO DO IT AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE.
THAT'S WHY CUSTODIANS PUT UP THOSE FLOOR SIGNS:
"CAUTION: RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN."
THEN TRUMP EXPLAINED WHY DR. FAUCI HAD NO PLACE IN HIS
ADMINISTRATION.
>> ANTHONY IS A GOOD PERSON, VERY GOOD PERSON.
>> STEPHEN: HE WILL BE MISSED.
AND ACCORDING TO TRUMP, MOST PEOPLE ARE GOING TO BE FINE.
>> IF YOU LOOK, THERE'S BEEN VERY LITTLE DAMAGE DONE TO
PEOPLE THAT ARE HEALTHY AND YOUNG AND FRANKLY MEDIUM-AGE
PEOPLE.
>> Stephen: YES, MEDIUM AGE.
FOR TRUMP, AGE CATEGORIES GO "LIVE WITH YOUR MOTHER," MISS
TEEN USA, MEDIUM-AGE, EX WIFE, AND
BIGGIE-GENARIAN.
LIKE THAT?
GOOD.
THE FATALITY ESTIMATES KEEP RISING, BUT TRUMP DIDN'T SEEM
CONCERNED: >> I SEE WE ARE LOSING
TREMENDOUS NUMBER OF LIVES.
WE'RE GONNA LOSE OVER 100,000 PERHAPS IN THIS COUNTRY.
NOW IN ALL FAIRNESS THAT'S AT THE BOTTOM LEVEL OF THE SCALE.
WE WOULD HAVE LOST TWO MILLION, WE WOULD HAVE LOST MORE IF WE
DID IT A DIFFERENT WAY.
>> STEPHEN: (AS TRUMP) "YES, THE NUMBER OF DEAD IS
ACTUALLY UNTHINKABLE.
BUT HOW 'BOUT A LITTLE GRATITUDE, I DIDN'T KILL ALL OF
YOU.
AND IT WAS AN OPTION."
TRUMP WAS ALSO ASKED ABOUT TRADE, AND HE SAID THIS
GIBBERISH: >> WE CAN DO THINGS IN OUR
COUNTRY!
YOU KNOW, WE USED TO MAKE OUR OWN PRODUCT, WOULD YOU BELIEVE
IT?
WE USED TO MAKE OUR OWN PRODUCT.
WE DON'T NEED 37 PENCILS, WE CAN BUY TWO PENCILS.
AND THEY CAN BE BETTER.
>> STEPHEN: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
I THINK WHAT WE'RE LEARNING IS, HE'S EATEN A LOT OF LEAD
PENCILS.
(AS TRUMP) "WHY ARE PEOPLE ALWAYS NEEDING
37 PENCILS?
AND WHILE WE'RE AT IT, WHY DO PENCILS NEED ERASERS?
IF YOU MAKE A MISTAKE, JUST HAVE FOX NEWS SAY THAT YOU DIDN'T."
BEYOND THE ECONOMY, SCHOOLS, AND THE GENERAL POPULATION, TRUMP
SAYS THAT THIS VIRUS HAS ESPECIALLY TAKEN ITS TOLL ON HIS
RELATIONSHIP WITH HIS SPECIAL FRIEND:
>> I HAVEN'T SEEN MIKE PENCE, AND I MISS HIM.
HE WAS IN THE ROOM WITH SOMEBODY THAT TESTED POSITIVE AND HE DID
NOT TEST POSITIVE, HE TESTED THE OPPOSITE.
>> STEPHEN: YOU MEAN NEGATIVE?
I'M GUESSING, IN SCHOOL YOU DIDN'T TEST SMART, YOU TESTED
THE OPPOSITE.
TRUMP HAS ABANDONED AMERICA'S PANDEMIC RESPONSE TO THE
GOVERNORS, AND SOME ARE TAKING IT MORE SERIOUSLY THAN OTHERS.
ONE WHO PUT OUT A STRONG STAY-AT-HOME ORDER IS WISCONSIN
GOVERNOR AND ANGEL COME TO TAKE YOU TO BUSINESS HEAVEN, TONY
EAVERS.
IN RESPONSE TO RISING INFECTION RATES, EAVERS HAD CLOSED UP
WISCONSIN UNTIL THE END OF MAY.
OR AT LEAST, HE TRIED TO.
BECAUSE LAST NIGHT THE WISCONSIN SUPREME COURT STRUCK DOWN
THE GOVERNOR'S STAY-AT-HOME ORDER.
NO!
STAYING CLOSED IS THE ONLY WAY TO KEEP WISCONSIN SAFE!
IT'S ALREADY SO CLOSE TO MICHIGAN'S MITTEN.
WE HAVE NO IDEA WHERE THAT THING'S BEEN!
THE CONSERVATIVE JUSTICES WERE VERY SKEPTICAL OF THE GOVERNOR'S
PLAN, ASKING THE STATE'S LAWYERS IF THE EXTENDED STAY-AT-HOME
ORDER WAS "THE VERY DEFINITION OF TYRANNY."
A COURAGEOUS, FREEDOM-LOVING QUESTION THAT WAS ASKED FROM THE
SAFETY OF A VIDEO CHAT.
"MUST NOT WISCONSINITES BE LIBERATED FROM TYRANNICAL HOUSE
ARREST?
BEFORE YOU ANSWER, HANG ON, I'M GONNA MUTE SO I CAN BUZZ UP MY
INSTA-CART GUY.
MY CHOCOLATE PRETZELS ARE HERE!" IN THE RULING, ONE JUSTICE MADE
AN ESPECIALLY STUNNING COMPARISON, SAYING, "THIS
COMPREHENSIVE CLAIM TO CONTROL VIRTUALLY EVERY ASPECT OF A
PERSON'S LIFE IS SOMETHING WE NORMALLY ASSOCIATE WITH A
PRISON, NOT A FREE SOCIETY GOVERNED BY THE RULE OF LAW."
CALM DOWN, YOUR HONOR.
IF THIS WAS PRISON, YOU WOULDN'T BE SITTING ON YOUR COUCH
WATCHING "TIGER KING," YOU'D BE HIS CELLMATE.
EVEN WORSE, THE COURT HAS NO BACKUP PLAN.
THEIR RULING "ENDS THE STAY AT HOME ORDER BUT PUTS NOTHING IN
ITS PLACE."
AND GOVERNOR EAVERS POINTED OUT HOW DANGEROUS THE LACK OF
GUIDANCE IS: >> AT THIS POINT IN TIME THERE
IS NO ORDERS.
THERE'S NOTHING THAT'S COMPELLING PEOPLE TO DO ANYTHING
OTHER THAN HAVING CHAOS HERE.
WE ARE THE WILD WEST.
>> STEPHEN: OH, YOU WISH YOU WERE THE WILD WEST.
THOSE GUYS WORE BANDANAS.
WITHIN MINUTES OF THE DECISION THE TAVERN LEAGUE OF WISCONSIN
POSTED TO IS FACEBOOK PAGE "OPEN IMMEDIATELY!"
FAIR ENOUGH.
I GUESS WE SHOULDN'T EXPECT ANY COMMON SENSE FROM THE TAVERN
LEAGUE OF WISCONSIN.
THEIR MOTTO IS, "DON'T LET 'EM TAKE YOUR KEYS, BRO!"
AND OPEN IMMEDIATELY THEY DID.
HERE'S FOOTAGE OF NICK'S BAR IN WISCONSIN LAST NIGHT, NO SOCIAL
DISTANCING, NO MASKS.
AND IF YOU THINK NICK'S IS BAD, YOU SHOULD'VE SEEN THE CREW OVER
AT P.J. LICK 'N COUGHS.
WE'VE GOT A SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
JOHN LITHGOW IS HERE.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, "MEANWHILE!"
STICK AROUND, IT WILL BE VERY PLEASANT.
HOW'S THAT?
>> STICK AROUND!
>> Stephen: STICK AROUND, EHHHH!
♪ ♪