Hey.
This is Jack and Clayton.
And this video is for you if you've had the problem of men only seeing you as a hookup.
This is a common complain that we receive from women.
Why do men only see me as a hookup?
So, let's get into it.
So, when we hear this question it gets us really curious because number one we can't
actually change how men see you, right?
There’s way too many of them out there and we have no control over another person's perception
of us, but what do we have control over?
Well, we have control over how we see ourselves.
So, the question that we would want to throw back over to you, is do you only see yourself
as a hookup in relationship to men?
Yes.
And I want you to get curious about that might be a little hard to hear.
It might be like, “why you putting this back on me?
This is like a dude problem.”
But just get curious about that because our experience of this you know individually is
that oftentimes if this is really prominent for a woman, there's a way that she's putting
herself forward that is really as a sexual person first and foremost, right.
It's almost like you're seeing your own value in your sexuality.
And of course, there is some value there and there's like a whole stack plethora of who
you really are that you may not be bringing to the table in your dating.
And this is not to put any blame over on you and say, “Okay.
So you're the one that is causing men to think this way,” it's for you to notice the places
in the dynamic where if you are going on a number of dates and this is how you continually
end up feeling is that you're only being value as a hookup, how are you consenting to allowing
or participating in this dynamic or the this experience that you're actually wanting to
change?
So, the whole purpose of this is to bring the power back in your lap so you can start
to show up in a way that allows you to be appreciated for all of your parts.
Totally.
Yes.
So, this isn't to say that there aren't men out there who primarily look at women in this
way, of course there are, and you probably already known them in your life.
But we're saying if you have to participate in that game with a guy for that to be ongoingly
true for you, right.
So the more you value your realness, your authenticity, the part of you that isn't forming
just the sort of richer realness of who you are, the less that game with the man is gonna
be of any interest to you.
So, it almost be like after a first date you'd be like, “Yes.
I have no interest in pursuing things with this kind of man.”
Or, you might notice that as you start to reveal more of who you are in your dating
that actually you just start to attract and magnetize a different type of man that really
wants to know you and value you beyond just the hookup potential that he could see.
Yes.
Absolutely.
I talk with potential clients sometimes and to really get inside their mind and to understand
how they're seeing themselves in relation to dating and relationships.
I will ask them the question, “what is your value in a relationship?
What is your value in relationships to a man?”
Wow.
That’s a difficult question.
And if you just even think about that for a moment right.
What is it that you offer that is of value to a man?
And now it's a hard question to answer and if you just came up with something immediately,
I'd say just search deeper.
You know what is it that you can provide that is beyond your sexuality, that is of value
in a relationship that would have you come off as priceless and irreplaceable?
I think many women that have this concern about being seen as a hookup, it's very difficult
to answer that question.
Yes.
You’re almost inviting bringing more attention back to yourself, getting to know yourself
better, getting to know the sort of deeper aspect of you, right.
So that actually that's what you're starting to connect from and that's what you're starting
to value in yourself.
It's sort of like we teach people what to value, right.
The more you value something in yourself the easier it is for other people to value it.
If you really aren't valuing the authenticity of who you are, it's probably much harder
for a guy to value that.
There's one other piece that I want to bring in which is sexualization.
Its sexualizing emotional needs.
So just in case this is relevant for you, there can be a propensity for people to sexualize
other needs that they have.
So you may have a need to be loved.
Of course, we all do.
You may have a strong need to be loved.
You may have a strong need to be liked.
You may have a strong need to be approved of.
And it might be that those needs, it's almost like your sexuality is coming over and sitting
on top of them.
It's your vehicle.
It's the most readily available vehicle to meet those needs.
Totally.
Yes.
“If I have sex with him and he likes it then maybe he'll like me, maybe he’ll approve
of me,” and that might not be what your conscious mind is saying but just at the subconscious
level you might want to get curious.
Is there some other thing that's going on here that I'm actually looking for validation
and I know that one of the ways that I feel validated is if I'm sexually pleasing to a
man?
So, I would encourage you to open that up and get curious.
Another way to even look at it too is just if you think about it, what are some other
ways to get those needs met?
If there's a connection need that's wanting to be met.
If there is a vulnerability or some type of emotional sharing that you're wanting to experience
with a man, what are some ways that you can show up on a date?
What is it that you can reveal about yourself?
What are some conversation topics that you can have with a guy?
What are some experiences that you can create on a date that allow you to actually connect
with a guy in that way so you're not going perhaps to the automatic default which is,
“Okay.
Well I want to make sure that we're connecting so I'm gonna have sex with a guy.”
Yes.
So, one thing you could you could actually practice if this pattern has been true for
you or if you don't want men to continue to see you as a hookup is to actually set some
kind of a more standard of a number of dates that you would go on with a man before you
would consider to be sexual with him.
Now, that might be five dates, that could even be eight or ten, or you know whatever
number really is relevant for you and practice that.
Because, in a way, clears up this question if you're like, “Okay.
I'm gonna see this guy five or ten times before even having sex with him then I'm not just
a hookup because we haven't hooked up.”
Yes.
And perhaps also shifting the question from the silent question that might be in the back
your head of, “Does he find me attractive?
Does he want to sleep with me?
Letting go of that question turning the volume down on that question and turning the volume
up on a question such as, “I wonder what new and creative ways we can connect?
I wonder who this person really is?
I wonder what ways I can really be myself around this guy and reveal other dimensions
of my personality to him?”
And just even asking those questions has your brain beginning to look for these new vectors
to actually create that relationship with the man in front of you.
Yes.
I think that's absolutely right.
So, the last piece I just want to say on this is if you are struggling to see man values
you, or values these other parts of you – these non-sexual parts of you, don't imagine that
by having sex with you he's suddenly gonna value those more.
So it's actually a really good filter like if he doesn't see you and value these other
all these other things you bring to the table sex is unlikely to change that.
In fact, it's actually probably gonna cement the insecurity even more.
So, we actually have an invitation for you.
We'd love to invite you to a webinar that Jack and I are putting on called the Three
Keys To Attract and Keep A High Quality Man.
It's in the link below this description and also Jack has got a new YouTube channel that
we want to invite you too as well.
It's personal development, its dating, its relationships, the link is below this video
as well in the description.
Make sure that you subscribe to his channel and do you have anything you want to say about
the webinar?
I would say that the key to that we share in this webinar secret to is exactly related
to what we're talking about in this video which is all about how to value yourself without
falling into playing a particular role with a man that has you go unconscious.
So, we fully dimensionalize this in the webinar.
It's your chance to actually notice, “Huh, maybe I'm playing an unconscious role with
men that I don't even know I'm playing and if I stop playing that role the quality of
men that I attract and the kind of interactions they want with me would be very different.”
So, if any of this video is resonate or really encourage you to subscribe to the webinar,
you can just click the link find a time that works for you and we will see you there.