Somewhere in your relationships, someone is depressed. How to love someone with
depression? Let's get into that today? You know, as we came up with this particular
title I was thinking, "Does that mean how do you love someone when you're
depressed?" Because that might be a good topic to take on. Or does it mean how to
love someone who has a depression, who's experiencing depression. That's kind of
the direction that I'm thinking to go with this. Because that's probably why
we're here. Although, I think that there's some value to thinking about that
both ways. Because we all experience it. Maybe that's the first point that I have
to make today is that, "this is a very common thing to experience." And it's not,
you know, if I'm depressed, it's when I'm depressed. Because we all go through that.
It's a common human experience. Now when depression becomes a little
more ingrained or chronic, it tends to affect social interactions, it tends to
affect the way that we can interact with people. And I've had a lot of experience
dealing with people who are experiencing depression. Here's a few things that I've
learned. We're going to turn down a few things that might naturally come up in
our interactions with people. We're going to turn up a few things. Think of this
kind of like a volume knob, we're going to turn it down or we're going to turn
it up, okay? With that idea in mind, what do we want to turn down the first thing?
I think this is huge folks. The first thing we want to turn down is judgment.
Judgment shows up in a lot of different ways. Primarily in opinions. And we're not
always aware of our opinions. Notice that you have them. Even the fact that we're
talking about how to love someone with depression implies that, "Okay, there's
something different about folks who are experiencing depression and I need to
show up differently for them." Even that is a judgment and
although it might be mild, it affects the way that we show up and the impact that
we have in that relationship. So, we want to turn that down. We do that first by
being aware of it and any prejudices or opinions that we're carrying in our own
heart and mind. And just tone that down. Let's approach this person as a person,
as a friend, as a brother, as a sister, as someone that we care about and already
love. Without getting too hung up on the title or the diagnosis or the
characterization or category that we would put that person in. Turn down the
judgment. As we're turning down the judgmentm we want to turn up the volume
on being authentic. I'll put authenticity here. Being real, being yourself. Not
trying to pretend anything but just showing up as an authentic genuine
person. I think we all crave that authenticity. And along with this goes
some vulnerability. As we're turning up the authenticity, turn up the
vulnerability as well. Vulnerability is being willing to be
open and to share things that might be a little bit sensitive. It's not just this
person that you're interacting with who has stuff going on in their life. You do
too. And it's okay to open up a little bit about that and be vulnerable and be
authentic. Vulnerability I think is the thing that we all crave in an
interaction or communication. It's also one of the things we're most hesitant to
offer or give. So, let's turn up the volume on being authentic. Going right
along with that. We're going to turn down the advice. Notice when you're
interacting with someone, especially if they're struggling, if they're having a
hard time, if they've got some depression going on.
You might feel naturally inclined to start giving them all kinds of advice.
Well you should do this, you should do that. Typically, not helpful. And a lot of
people that I've interviewed have expressed that, that well-meaning, loving
people in their lives are trying to tell them what they should do. That tends to
increase feelings of guilt or beating themselves up because I know I should be
doing better. See, they've already kind of beat themselves up about all of this
stuff. Turn down the advice. Let's just take
that knob and just dial it right down. Because it's not helping, especially if
it's unsolicited. Even if they're asking for advice. Sometimes, it's not the advice
that they need. What they really need is some kind of connection. So, on the other
side of the board, we're going to turn up the listening. You know, it's interesting
because the letters in the word listen are exactly the same as the letters in
the word silent. So, we're going to zip it just a little bit. Turning down the
advice, turning up the listening. You've got two ears in one mouth. Let's use them
in that proportion at least. And just listen, just connect. Giving that person a
chance to express how they're feeling without jumping in and trying to fix it.
Without offering any unsolicited advice. We simply listen and I really like the
technique that I learned back in graduate school called "reflective
listening." A reflection, you know, like a mirror. So, you're holding up a mirror
that shows them, "Oh, here's what I'm hearing from you." And you give it back to
them. It might be a phrase like, "So, you're really feeling upset about..." And then you
give back whatever they just told you. Or you're not sure that you can really
accomplish whatever, okay? You're listening, you're feeding it back to them
or reflecting it to them kind of like the surface of a mirror, so that
I can see that you're listening. This is so affirming and it really goes a long
way to helping someone who's struggling with some depression. Now, as we come to
the last point. You have a great heart. And the fact that you want to help is so
admirable and kind. There's a potential problem that we really need to watch out
for and so I'll add that as our third turn down. We want to turn down the
project status. Meaning, to what extent is this loved one, this friend, this person
that you're concerned about, to what extent have they become "a project for
you", an assignment, a challenge that maybe you can come in as the knight in shining
armor who's going to save the day. Let's just tune down the whole project
mentality. This is not a project, it's a person. To the extent that you think of
this as a project is going to affect how you show up in that relationship. And
instead of thinking of that as a project or handling it that way, we're going to
turn up the friendship.
The genuine human connection that we might refer to as a friendship. We all go
through stuff. There are times when it's you that needs a friend. You don't need
to be somebody's project. But you need a friend. And there are times when you're
doing pretty well and you're in a strong position. Where you can show up as that
friend and not someone who thinks that I'm broken so you turned me into a
project. Did you see the feel for that? Turn down the project, turn up the
friendship. You know, relationships are such a key part of our experience. I'm
glad that you care enough to watch this video. Would you also share it with
someone else.
I saw standing in the street alone alone