- I love the show, the
but I hate everybody that read the books.
It's weird. It's a conundrum.
I don't hate that they read the books.
I hate that they have to tell me they read the books.
You know, it's one of those things
that people do when they tell you they read the book
just to let you know that they read, you know.
They always say the same thing.
You're like, "Oh,
They go, "The book's even better."
No, it's not.
It's never better to not see something, you fuck.
I know what you're doing.
You just want me to know you read the book.
Oh, the book's better, really?
I watch the show, I see naked people have sex,
and then sword fight to death.
You're sitting there with your eyes closed going,
"Oh, I can only imagine what that would be like.
It's better if I don't even see."
Fuck you, you fake smarty pants.
I know exactly what you're doing.
Fake ass smarty pants.
And it's so transparent.
It makes you go "Ugh," but you can't say anything.
You're like, "Ugh."
They also do it when they tell you that they're vegan.
That's one of the things people do. They sneak it in.
"Well, you know, as a vegan, I feel..."
Oh, I've only known you for a minute, amazing.
They can't wait to spit it out.
It's like they're holding their breathe when they meet you.
"Oh, I'm a vegan. Whoo!
Glad I got that out, so I can start talking about my diet."
It's almost like the plants hypnotize them.
Like, if you eat enough plants, they go, "Tell others about us.
"Let them know about the benefits.
"You are spiritually enriching.
"You are better than them.
You are far more awesome."
"Well, as a vegan,
as an awesome person, I feel"--
They get all bendy.
"Basically, I'm not threatening,
and I'm eating vegetables only."
I'm different than anyone else you know.
Why are they so ridiculous?
Why is this true?
Why does this annoy--and it doesn't annoy me
about most people.
There's a lot of people that are vegan that are great,
but it's the ten percent that are annoying as fuck
that are worth talking about.
You know, there's, like, that ten percent,
and what is wrong with them?
Why do they say such silly shit?
It's really simple.
They don't get enough nutrients.
They don't realize what they're saying is silly.
You need cholesterol to form your own opinions, all right?
They say ridiculous shit that's easy to refute.
Like, here's the big one that vegans love to say.
So if this ever comes up,
please feel free to use this.
"Do you know that humans are the only animal
to drink the milk of other animals?"
Like, whoa, that's so crazy.
You know what else only people do?
Fly planes,
make movies,
call each other on the phone,
and tell each other how awesome milk is.
What the fuck kind of goofy ass point is that?
That is so poorly thought out.
Are you trying to say that other animals don't want milk?
You ever give your dog a bowl of milk, he's like, "Dude,
where the fuck did you get this shit?"
He doesn't stop and go, "Hey, man,
"is this organic free-range dog milk,
'cause if it's not, fuck off, pig."
Your dog--your dog can't believe it's cold.
"How is it cold but it's warm outside?
Are you a wizard?"
[grunting]
Your dog would eat a bowl of dog assholes
if you put it in his bowl, all right.
It's not like there's a moral quandary.
Oh, should I drink milk?
No, they're too fucking dumb to farm.
That's what's going on.
"Oh, man, you know, you think you're funny now.
"Tell all the jokes you want, but milk is bad for you.
Milk causes cancer."
I've got news for you.
If you get cancer from milk, you're a fucking pussy, okay.
My grandfather ate cigarettes, and he lived to be 1,000.
Mine died when he was only 25.
What happened? Dairy.
He was eating yogurt, and he died,
but he died doing what he loved.
Died a guy who lived on the edge.
They don't eat honey.
That's how you know vegans are completely ridiculous.
The real hard core vegans, they don't eat honey,
and they love to say this.
"Well, you can, but I don't."
Oh, thank you so much.
I didn't know I could have honey,
but I'm still below you though, right?
Oh, you're better.
Honey, fucking honey.
You don't have to kill to get honey.
You just take it with smoke.
You blow smoke on them, and you take it.
That's it.
They don't even know it's gone. They don't even get mad.
This motherfucker was like, "You really think it's cool
those bees just work for people?"
Okay, yeah, that's kind of fucked up, right,
because you know what bees do when they're not making honey?
Nothing. They don't have other jobs.
It's not like they're on their way
to bee stunt driving school, and they got kidnapped,
and forced to work in the white man's honey factory.
No, they're cunty little shitty bugs with one job.
They make honey, and they only live to be a week.
They only live a week-- They die of old age in a week,
and they die doing everything; they die when they sting you.
When a male honeybee has sex, his dick breaks off,
and he bleeds out.
That is literally nature telling you to go fuck yourself.
"I don't see it that way, man.
"I don't fucking see it that way, okay?
"I think of all animals in the universe
"as unique, and individual,
"and equal, and when I see a bee that's dying,
"I feel the same way as if a loved one was passing,
"and I see this noble bee,
"and I'm like, 'Noble bee,
"'you stung, even though you knew you were going to die.
Why did you do it?'"
and the bee's like,
"I saw a baby next
"to me in the grass,
and I was like, fuck that baby."
Team people, bitch, team people.
The reason we're still here, someone way
smarter than you figured out how to steal honey with smoke.
My God, you silly fuck.
Agave tastes like shit.
It tastes like shit. You stop it.
It's bad for you too.
And by the way, what's with all this naming shit,
like, vegan chicken?
Vegan chicken, you're eating vegan chicken?
You know that chicken's an animal,
and you got to kill it to eat it?
Why--isn't that what you don't want to do?
Why are you pretending your plant is an animal
that you killed?
Being a vegan that eats fake chicken,
that's like being a pediatrician
that likes to kick rubber babies.
What's your fucking weird end game here, man?
Why you calling that vegan ice cream?
"It is vegan ice cream."
No, no, no, no, no, no, it's not.
No, no, no, no, ice cream has cream in it.
Cream is from fucking cows, dummy.
You can't have vegan ice cream.
You need to make a new noise
with your face that means that shit.
There's no cream in it.
You're a liar.
What you have is some frozen tofu bullshit
that tastes like sadness, all right?
Thank you very much. You guys have been fantastic.