(dramatic music)
(record scratching)
- [Narrator] Wait a minute, this ain't
your daddy's Star Wars.
This is Clone Wars.
The Star Wars galaxy is in peril.
Too many movies in too little time.
The only hope lies in resurrecting a television show
that's been cut off more times than a Skywalker's arm.
Filling in the spaces between the beloved Episodes
II and III, and finally answering the questions
of what the heck Obi-Wan was talking about in A New Hope.
This is Star Wars: The Clone Wars in three minutes.
Rebellious Jedi Knight Anakin Skywalker
faces off against old tarantula-faced Admiral Trench.
Using unorthodox tactics and ignoring Obi-Wan's orders
as usual, Anakin defeats Trench and gets praise
from his secret wife, Senator Padme Organa.
Padme uses her political powers for good
in the Senate, proving to be the only effective
politician in the universe.
Anakin, yet to be granted the rank of Jedi Master,
takes on the impetuous Ahsoka Tano as his Padawan.
Anakin hates the idea at first but she quickly proves
to be a badass Jedi and Anakin gives her the nickname Snips.
Master Yoda wins a security bid, defeating
Count Dooku and his apprentice, Ventress in the process.
Clone Trooper favorites Rex and Cody train
a new group of pawns, I mean clones,
to become key figures in the Clone Wars.
Proving that they are loyal servants who would never,
ever turn their backs on the Jedi.
R2-D2 is captured by Grievous for information
hidden in his memory bank.
Hm, sensing a pattern here.
Padme is captured while on a diplomatic mission.
C-3PO saves the day with help from absolute legend
Jar Jar Binks, yes, that Jar Jar Binks.
Ahsoka and Master Luminara escort the captured Viceroy.
They're betrayed by Captain Argyus.
The Viceroy is rescued by Ventress,
who immediately kills Argyus.
Anakin and Obi-Wan are captured alongside Count Dooku
by a pirate led by Hondo.
The Jedi and Sith worked together to escape
and are ultimately rescued by Jar Jar.
Palpatine hires Cad Bane to steal the knock list.
A list of kids who could move broomsticks with the Force.
So Cad Bane kidnaps those kids, taking them
to Mustafar to be trained as Sith.
Padme discovers the separatist traitor
in the Senate, her ex-boyfriend, Clovis.
Anakin gets jealous and kills a bunch of sand people.
Speaking of forbidden love, Obi-Wan reunites
with Duchess Satine of Mandalore and helps her
fight off a group of assassins called the Death Watch.
Obi-Wan faces off against General Grievous
to save a kidnapped Jedi.
Anakin, Ahsoka, and Obi-Wan work with bounty hunters
to protect a group of villagers from pirates.
Young Boba Fett, with the help of his bounty hunter
buddies, vows revenge on Mace Windu for cutting
off his father's head.
Palpatine orders Dooku to kill Ventress, but he fails.
She turns to the Knight Sisters for help seeking revenge.
Dooku, in need of a new apprentice, take on Savage Opress,
brother of Darth Maul, who is secretly
under the Knight Sisters' control.
After he has an existential crisis that ends
in neither Dooku or Ventress being killed,
Savage Opress sets off to find his brother
who might not be so dead after all.
Anakin sees into the future revealing
his turn to the Dark Side, but like the droids
at the end of Revenge of the Sith,
his mind is completely erased.
Ashoka escapes hunters with the help
of younglings and Chewbacca.
The clone troopers take down General Crell
who betrays the Jedi and warns the Dark Order on the way.
Ashoka develops a crush on the young separatist
named Lux who uses the Death Watch to capture Count Dooku
but surprise, they have other plans,
leaving Dooku uncaptured and the Death Watch alive.
Obi-Wan fakes his own death and goes undercover
to stop Cad Bane's plot to kidnap Palpatine.
Savage Opress finds Darth Maul on a junk planet.
He gets Maul out of his weird funk
and upgrades his robo legs.
Darth Maul as master leads their mission
of revenge against the Jedi.
Later, Maul and Opress team up with the Death Watch
to capture Duchess Satine, causing Obi-Wan to feel
strictly forbidden anger.
In a pissing contest over which side of the Force
is better, Maul kills Satine and Obi-Wan
can't overpower Maul and Opress, so with the help
of the angry Ventress, he escapes.
Palpatine attacks Maul and Oppress, killing Opress
in the process of warning Maul to get out of the way.
The Jedi blame Ashoka for a murder and she becomes
a fugitive on the run.
She proves her innocence, but bitterly leaves
the Jedi Order, never to be seen again.
The clone trooper, Tup, no longer a rookie,
starts to get a weird, incurable headache.
He sees a doctor who discovers that the clones
are under mind control to kill the Jedi.
Clone trooper Fives learns the clone might be
under mind control and tries to help
the right people, but dies.
Clovis returns to help Padme, only to make a move on her,
leading Anakin to lay the smackdown on him.
Later, Clovis sacrifices himself to save Padme and Anakin.
Yoda gets in touch with Qui-Gon Jinn
and goes to Dagobah, where he sees a whole bunch of spoilers
and that's the story of Star Wars: The Clone Wars
in three minutes and that's two minutes more than I can sit
through The Phantom Menace.
Subscribe and like, you will.
(menacing music)