Batman has always been one of the more serious characters.
But then again, we are dealing with a billionaire playboy who dresses up in spandex to fight
crime…dressed as a bat.
So, I guess in the stories things to get a little strange at times.
Saying that, I doubt anything will prepare you for the next batch of moments from the
Batman comics I’m about to unveil…If you thought bat nipples were bad, well hold on
to something…
So, without waiting any longer, let’s explore the 10 most shocking and outrageous moments
from the Batman comics…
10.
BATMAN SINGS CHRISTMAS CAROLS WITH THE POLICE Batman #219, which some consider to be the
most boring comic ever created, sees Commissioner Gordon convince Batman to go carol singing
with several members of the Gotham City Police Department.
Amazingly, not a single crime is committed that evening in what could only be described
as a miracle for Gotham city.
Well there are several vignettes of people attempting to commit crimes but then deciding
not to.
There’s also an amazingly lucky scene where a woman is prevented from committing suicide
by the conveniently timed reappearance of her soldier husband who was missing in Vietnam,
all to the tune of “Santa Claus is Coming to Town.”
Batman and the Gotham City Police Department aren’t known to be the best of friends,
so it’s great to see them hanging out on this work night out.
Not to mention the fact that Batman looks amazing when he sings.
In fact, Batman has so much fun singing that he fails to realize the sun coming up, declaring,
“It’s like the spirit of Christmas took hold on everyone.”
9.
BATMAN DRESSES UP AS A RAINBOW If someone mentions their favourite bat suit,
the colours will usually include palettes of black, grey and blue…But did you know
that Batman has also worn pink yellow and green?
In 1957’s Detective Comics #241, Robin aka Dick Grayson injures his arm while saving
a little girl from runaway thieves.
To prevent the crooks from connecting the injury to Robin, Batman decides that the only
solution is to wear colourful eye-catching outfits.
The whole episode culminates with Batman capturing the criminals while wearing a rainbow costume,
providing the Dark Knight with some amusing one liners such as, “They’ll find no gold
at the end of this rainbow…
only prison.”
It’s strange that Batman would go to such lengths in order to stop a bunch of criminals
from linking Dick Grayson to Robin via a bruised arm.
Then again, as Coco Chanel once said: “The best colour in the whole world, is the one
that looks good, on you.”
8.
ZUR-EN-ARRH HANGS OUT WITH BAT-MITE In 2008, comic book legend Grant Morrison
went experimental by bringing back some obscure tropes from the Silver Age in a story arc
spanning Batman #676 to 681.
Anyway, in the story, Batman creates a back-up personality he can unleash in case of a psychological
attack on him, called the Batman of Zur-En-Arrh.
The name stems from a young Bruce mishearing his father’s last words.
He actually says “The sad thing is they’d probably throw someone like Zorro in Arkham.”
Ok that’s kind of sentimental…But the fact that this Zur-En-Arrh persona is fuelled
by crystal meth and dresses in yet another brightly coloured Batsuit made from trash
is ridiculous.
But as bizarre as all this is, it’s still somewhat creative and entertaining…
That is until Bat-Mite shows up.
Bat-Mite is an Imp similar to the Superman villain Mister Mxyzptlk.
Appearing as a small childlike man in an ill-fitting costume, Bat-Mite possesses what appears to
be near-infinite magical power.
But unlike Mr Mxyzptlk, Bat-Mite idolizes Batman.
7.
PRETTY MUCH ALL OF BATMAN: ODYSSEY After Adam West did his best to make Batman
the campiest fictional character in history, legendary artist Neal Adams single-handedly
turned the Dark Knight into the bad-ass masked vigilante we all know and love today.
Adams eventually left DC to work on other projects, but in 2010, he returned to bring
us Batman: Odyssey.
So most fans were naturally excited to hear the news.
But while Adams is an amazing artist, his writing skills leave much to be desired…
Every issue starts off with endless exposition by a naked and hairy Bruce Wayne incoherently
blabbering on about pretty much everything that has ever happened to him in no particular
order.
Some of these rants include a history of trains, traveling to the centre of the Earth, meeting
the original Egyptian gods, meeting a cave man dressed as Batman, Batman riding dinosaurs,
Batman fighting a telepathic cyclops and also saying odd things like, “such an octopus
of a thing.”
There’s a lot of this disjointed story telling which ends abruptly with no conclusion, while
the naked Bruce Wayne in the panel keeps getting closer and closer to the reader.
6.
BAT-BABY The Golden age era of Batman comics are a
good bit of fun for the whole family, but even here some stories take things too far.
In Batman #147, published in 1961, we witness a mad scientist’s ray gun turning Batman
into a toddler who decides to continue fighting crime under the guise of Bat-Baby.
Of course, Bat-Baby isn’t just any old baby.
The infant retains all the intelligence and strength of adult-sized Batman, only now he
is packed into a cute, pint-sized frame, fitted with black overalls and a modified cowl that
snugly fits over his chubby head…
Bat-Baby fighting criminals is reminiscent of those awful kid movies such as the Son
of The Mask and frankly something George Lucas would indulge in.
The final nail in the cringe coffin is when Batman says “Robin I never thought there’d
be a time when you’d have to carry me in your arms like a baby.”
5.
BATMAN WETS HIMSELF Many fans are understandably upset about Kevin
Smith’s Batman comics.
He introduced some childish and humiliating elements to the caped crusader’s backstory.
In Batman: Year One there is a scene where the young dark knight crashes a dinner of
Gotham’s corrupt and informs them that their criminal days are over.
In Kevin’s hands, this famous scene gets a new twist, as Batman admits to his protégé
years later that he was actually terrified during that moment.
So much so, that he pissed himself.
Most fans were hoping that this would end Kevin Smith’s Batman writing career, however
he went on to pencil many more, including the limited series Batman: Cacophony.
4.
BATMAN GETS IT ON WITH BLACK CANARY In All-Star Batman and Robin #7, Black Canary
takes on a horde of criminals near the docks.
But she gets overwhelmed and hides behind some crates.
Luckily, Batman arrives on the scene to save her, brutally thrashing all the thugs and
setting them on fire with a bottle of bleach.
Not content with just that, Batman starts to beat the thugs while they are on fire while
Black Canary watches on, increasingly getting turned on in the process.
Batman then approaches Black Canary and they appear to have dry sex with their suits on…
Pretty much everything about Frank Miller’s All-Star Batman and Robin is out of character
for the Dark Knight.
Throughout, he calls Robin retarded, makes the Boy Wonder eat rats, paints himself yellow
so he can bully the Green Lantern and constantly refers to himself as “the goddamn Batman.”
3.
BATMAN GETS BATGIRL PREGNANT If you thought the incest in Star Wars was
bad, then listen to the next story.
The comic book Batman Beyond 2.0 is set two years after the end of the cartoon series
Batman Beyond.
In the story, Batman gets Barbara Gordon a.k.a.
batgirl pregnant, while she is in a relationship with Robin.
What’s worse, when Batgirl tells Bruce Wayne about the pregnancy, he promises he’ll stay
out of it and let Barbara break the bad news to Dick herself.
He then immediately breaks that promise by going and telling Dick everything.
To make matters even worse, Barbara suffers a miscarriage in the end.
2.
BATMAN LAUGHS WITH THE JOKER In the Killing Joke by Alan Moore, The Joker
paralyzes Barbara Gordon by shooting her through the spine, and then he kidnaps her Dad, the
commissioner, and sends him through a fun house, driving him insane by drugging him
and showing him the images of her, naked and bloody on the floor.
But as usual, Batman saves the day.
Barbara is crippled but alive, Joker is caught, and commissioner Gordon is OK.
Now flash to Batman and the Joker standing in the rain, and the cops are on the way.
So Joker tells Batman a joke to which Batman start laughing, slow at first, and then louder
and louder.
The laughter quickly becomes contagious, and the Joker and Batman are standing in the rain,
laughing their asses off.
What you need to realize here is that, an hour earlier, this guy that Batman is laughing
with crippled one of his closest friends and tried to drive another insane.
And Batman is laughing at his joke.
Maniacally, even.
Some believe that This was the moment that truly broke Batman.
Batman is laughing because he is already gone.
The Joker is laughing because he knows he won.
He broke the Batman.
The last few panels are ambiguous, and many fans believe that Batman kills the Joker off
panel…
1.
BATMAN CRIES WITH SUPERMAN OVER ALIEN TENTACLE SEX
This mega-cringe adventure begins when Superman realizes that he and Batman deserve a break
from all that saving-the-world nonsense they do every day, so he invites Batman over to
chill at the Fortress of Solitude.
The Dark Knight accepts, because dealing with stressful situations in an emotionally healthy
way has always been a defining trait of Batman.
Their bromance is interrupted by a meteor full of aliens, which conveniently crashes
at the Fortress.
The tentacle aliens feed off Batman and Superman's emotions like some kind of supercharged mdma
and immediately start growing and mating with one another in what will quickly become a
recurring theme for your nightmares.
Our heroes just kind of awkwardly stand around, watching the copious amounts of tentacle sex
happen.
And then things get more weird, if that was possible.
The tentacles, which were already pretty penis-like to begin with, grow their own penises.
The aliens state that they need to feed on emotions to live, but rather than drain the
Earth and cause destruction, they decide to let themselves die, making this the easiest,
yet most psychologically scarring, victory in history.
Batman and Superman beg the aliens to live and then, in a moment we'd love to erase from
history, they start to cry as the tentacle aliens die.
So that's it, those are the 10 most cringe moments from the Batman comics, and I hope
you didn’t cringe too hard.
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