KYLE JUSTIN: (SINGING) He's gonna take you back to the past
To play the shitty games that suck ass
He'd rather have a buffalo
Take a diarrhea dump in his ear
He'd rather eat the rotten asshole
Of a roadkill skunk and down it with beer
He's the angriest gamer you've ever heard
He's the Angry Nintendo Nerd
He's the Angry Atari Sega Nerd
He's the Angry Video Game Nerd
(ALL CHEERING)
JAMES: E.T. on Atari 2600.
To begin with, it's not a game you just pick up and play.
Most games this generation were very simple.
Shoot a bunch of aliens, climb to the top of the screen, stop missiles, or chomp down all the pellets.
But E.T. is an enigma.
With all these random symbols appearing at the top of the screen and falling in holes all the time,
it's no wonder why gamers didn't understand how to play this game.
You have to read the instruction manual
So, once you understand how to play the game...
- (GAME PINGING) - It still fucking sucks!
(ALL LAUGH AND CHEER)
When the game starts, E.T. comes down from space.
Now we have to go back? Why'd he come down in the first place?
All he had to do is stay on the ship, and there wouldn't be a game.
And wouldn't that be better if E.T. just came down and went right back up again?
Was there any colors available besides just green?
The ground is green, the pits are green, and even E.T. is fucking green!
I feel like I'm taking a colorblind test.
No matter where you go, you fall in pits. They're fucking everywhere!
You get out by extending your neck, which somehow makes E.T. float.
When, in the movie, did E.T. extend his neck to float out of a pit?
Once you reach the top, most of the time, you just keep falling back in.
Uh-oh, fuck! Here we... Get out of the pit, get out of the pit.
(GRUNTS ANGRILY) Fuck!
There's a trick. You gotta fuck about with the controls just right.
It's just a really bad learning curve.
There's a way to catch yourself before you fall down,
but you'll never be expecting it when you fall.
(GRUNTS ANGRILY) Look! Shit!
The human brain can't react that fast!
I don't know *who* can pull off that trick. Maybe
ninjas that, take speed and, sit around play Atari all day.
The goal of the game is to find three hidden pieces
of a phone that E. T. needs to call home with.
And guess where you find them! In the pits!
When you're walking around, you pass over these invisible spaces which hold special items
When you're standing on these spaces, you can use them to perform a certain action.
For example, if you come across an arrow,
you can use that to transport you to the next screen.
But half the time, you're gonna end up on a pit!
So, if you want to use the arrow, you need to remember
what's *on* that space on the other screen,
as if the game is forcing you to think fourth-dimensionally.
What is this game?! For fuckin' scientists?!
It's marketed like its for little kids, and that really shows a lack of communication.
Also, the whole game works off a randomizer.
All these "zones", and the phone pieces, everything.
They're always hidden in a different spot every time you start the game.
Some fans have spoken out in defense of this game, saying that "it's different every time you play it".
Kinda like how every time I take a SHIT it's always different!
What I REALLY hate are the FBI agents and the scientists.
The scientist takes your ass back to the buildings
and the FBI agent takes all your phone pieces!
What an asshole.
Trying to outrun these guys without stepping [in] the holes is a real pain in the ass.