Geoffrey here in this video,
I want to show you the five toxic programming or mindsets that is probably
killing the intimacy in your relationship right now. Now,
before I begin this video,
I want to let you know there'll be hosting a free live masterclass on the five
proven steps to rebuilding your relationship from the ground up.
So be sure to stay tuned till the end of this video for the announcement on how
you can get in on that.
And don't forget to subscribe and click the bell button to be notified when I
post new videos three times every single week.
So I really want you to stay until the end of this video here because this five
toxic programming that I'm going to show you are all the ones that we all have
and he's doing a ton of damage on your relationship.
And once you're conscious of this and aware of it,
just like my students and myself,
you'll find that having a much healthier perspective and viewpoint on intimacy
and sex and romance comes to much easier.
So the first toxic mindset that I want to address here is that, you know,
people tend to focus on quantity, not quality.
When gauging the success of intimacy in their relationship,
the most common number we are here is that healthy couples have sex three times
a week is actually true. Statistically numbers wise, yes, but in my experience,
more sex doesn't always mean a good thing.
So here's what happens when people try to meet that three times per week number,
like we said in the previous two videos,
people start to obligate themselves to have sex,
to have more intimacy because they want to meet that number.
And what happens is when you start obligating yourself to have sex to one sex,
you start to enjoy sex and intimacy less and less and less and less over time
because it becomes more like a chore than just something you desire.
So if you're trying to meet this number and you're not meeting this number and
you're forcing yourself to meet it,
you're probably making yourself and your partner want less intimacy in the long
run. And that's where a lot of couples are. You know they have sex,
but the sex is not mutually enriching. It's not amazing.
It's not passionate because it just going through the motions to meet a number.
What I want you to focus on instead is on quality, not the quantity.
So even if you just have intimate moments once a week or sometimes even once
every two weeks, the number doesn't matter.
The main question is whenever you two are intimate,
is it mutually enriching and mutually passionate for the both of you?
And if it is, you're doing things successfully because again,
if you can make it a mutually enriching for the both of you,
what happens is they're going to train your mind and her mind as well to
associate intimacy with you with more and more enjoyment over time.
And so the desire for more intimacy will increase over time. Naturally.
Just focus on quality, not quantity.
And the second toxic programming that we have kind of relates to the first one,
two and is that we tend to be so focused on a short term, not the long term.
What I mean by this is, you know,
when I see a married couple and they're together for a long time,
both of them sort of expect intimacy to happen.
They expect that intimacy should be part of a good relationship.
And so when they think this, they start again forcing intimacy to happen.
So where they're not getting the intimacy in a short term, they would get upset,
they would get grumpy,
they've got to start Castic or however it does negative behavior shows.
But again,
you're going to put a lot of pressure on your partner to want to give you the
intimacy. And what happens is, you know,
in a short term if you give your partner a lot of pressure to give you intimacy,
you will get the intimacy in this short term. But like we said,
it starts at really negative cycle where you're making intimacy into more like a
chore, an obligation on your partner's side.
And that's going to kill you in the longterm.
So what I want you to focus on instead is the long term, not the short term,
and understand the sustainability of your actions here. All right.
So if you're not getting the intimacy you need in the short term,
what do you need to focus on is not to pressure your partner,
to give you the intimacy, but to dig deeper,
to understand what is the underlying causes of the lack of intimacy,
the lack of desire. And for that,
you can watch my previous video on the four key reasons why intimacy may be
dying in your relationship right now.
And what you find is that once you identify the issue and once you can raise the
level of desire for intimacy naturally within your partner,
you're going to set yourself up for a lot of success in the longterm.
Because again, you're letting your partner to give you intimacy out of desire,
and you're continuing to let her associate intimacy with you as a positive thing
rather than an obligation.
The third toxic mentality that we have is expecting spontaneous intimacy.
And this is something we get from movies all the time. You know,
we see a couple, they are just having dinner. Suddenly,
they just can't get their hands off each other. They're all over each other.
They have this passionate love making scene and that's it. It's over.
But the reality is that in life things rarely go like this.
First of all,
both of you have different circadian rhythms and hormonal rhythms throughout the
day. In the morning you're going to be very busy and rushing off to work and the
daytime you are busy working at the nighttime.
You are tired from work and if you really are honest with yourself,
it's rare that both of you are going to be wanting sex and spontaneous sex and
intimacy at that particular moment at that particular time.
That's rare and a lot of people expect this to happen and they get very
disappointed when they realize that the reality is actually quite far from it
and they start to feel guilty and they start to question,
is my relationship really that good?
But I'm here to tell you that spontaneous sex is not common.
Instead scheduled intimacy and scheduled sex is not only much more common,
but also much more desirable as well.
Because the other thing that's inaccurate or unrealistic about the stuff that
happen in movies is that hormones do take time to build.
So if you watched my previous two videos on the importance of oxytocin and
estrogen and the females desire and openness to one half intimacy,
you realize that it takes time for those hormones to build and it takes time for
our bodies to feel the effects of those hormones.
So if you're used to scheduling sex and scheduling moments of intimacy,
you are giving yourself the time and space to be able to build those hormones,
to allow those hormones to be secreted,
to allow the anticipation to build and to allow for really good intimate that
are enjoyable for the both of you.
So my recommendation here is don't be shy of scheduled moments of intimacy.
Schedule it in your calendar and don't try to expect spontaneous intimacy too
much because it's quite unrealistic.
And number four is something we talked about before in the previous video,
which is that you're focusing too much on technique and not rhythm.
So whenever you are struggling with your intimacy,
the first thing people go to is that they think about what sex toys to buy,
what new sexual techniques they should get,
what new approaches they should take to seduce their wife or their girlfriends.
Intimacy is not about technique, it's all about rhythm.
It's all about being able to take two steps forward,
one step back and slowly escalating your intimacy to the point where it gets
more and more intense over time. And if you want more details on this,
I want you to watch this video that I made about how to create that intense
anticipation and intimacy in your relationship.
And what I see is that what happens when people focus too much on technique is
that they misdiagnose the problem.
They tend to blame the problem on I need new techniques.
And when those new techniques don't work,
they tend to blame their partner to say, Hey, we just have different sex drives.
Maybe we're not meant for each other.
And the second problem it causes is that it causes a lot of men to be too
mechanical in sex and to be too quick in sex because they just go through the
motions and you think, if I just do X, Y, Z techniques, I'm good to go.
But the truth is that it's rhythm is your approach and slowly taking two steps
forward, one step back and slowly increasing the anticipation,
slowly increasing the sexual attention throughout the date.
And this might take a longer time, but I'm telling you,
once you master the rhythm,
you will realize that the techniques doesn't matter at all. You know,
a lot of my students, once they master rhythm,
they realize that they can use the same techniques, the same sexual positions,
the same ways of showing intimacy to each other and they never get bored.
Because by focusing on rhythm,
you can create so much anticipation and sexual tension that that alone is a very
intense and novel feeling in itself.
Then the last toxic mentality here is that you're focusing on a top down
approach, not bottom up. And so if you've been following me for a while,
you know my five step pillar and the idea is that if you want to rebuild a
relationship,
you have to focus on the bottom pillar first and build it one step at a time,
like a mountain, like climbing a summit.
And so the problem here is that a lot of men think that if you just focus on
this sex,
if you just give her amazing sex that everything else will take care of itself.
All the problems will disappear is not true for women because again,
oxytocin and estrogen requires the prejudice of safety.
And if you haven't built a safety,
if there's still a lot of baggage in her emotion,
there's still a lot of fighting and arguing going on.
No amount of sex is going to help the situation.
And eventually through all those arguments and through all those conflicts,
the sexual disappear completely because all your energy now is wasted on arguing
and fighting and repressing all these feelings rather than giving to each other
in a romantic sense.
So what I would to you is focused on the bottom up approach.
Build a safety first, build the admiration, build the goal I meant,
and then what you'll find is that the sex will come more naturally and the
desire for intimacy and sex will be sustained for a much, much longer time,
over many years, over many decades.
So if you're interested in a free resource that can help you build this first
two pillars here, which is emotional and psychological safety,
then you want to check out the free guide I have for you in the description box
below this video. And again,
if you want to end on that free masterclass where I'll talk about the proven
five step system to rebuilding your relationship from the ground up.
Then you also want to check out the link in the description box below this video
as well. And of course if you want to connect with me on a more personal level,
I have a free Facebook group that you can join where you can ask your questions,
post your questions,
and actually get good advice and support from me and other members of the group.
So if you found this video helpful,
then give a like and subscribe to this channel for more videos like this one and
let me know which of these five things did you find most eyeopening or more
insightful for you? What was your main takeaway here?
Leave a comment below and I'd love to hear your thoughts. In the meantime,
be sure to watch this other videos to equip yourself with the right skills and
knowledge to be able to create this relationship that thrives for many years to
come with a set. I will see you in the next video.