If you want your ex back, you may be tempted to try anything and everything to make it happen,
but you should know that there are three specific things you need to avoid at all
costs if you really want a second chance. There’s a good chance you’ve done one or
all of these already because they’re natural reactions after a breakup. I’m here to tell
you that they don’t work and, in fact, will drive your ex away faster than anything else.
Hi, I’m Brad Browning, author of The Ex Factor Guide and breakup coach here on youtube for over
ten years now. I’ve helped tens of thousands of people around the world win a second chance
with their exes and I’ve noticed a few things along the way. The people who are successful
are the ones who make the right choices. Those that fail tend to make three mistakes that
hurt their ex’s attraction for them and make reconciliation impossible.
And, to the untrained eye, it would seem like the second group were being logical and acting in
their best interests. This is why it’s important to seek outside help in a situation like this.
Acting on impulse is going to lead you down the wrong path every time. So just by watching
this video, you’ve got a huge advantage if you want your ex back. While you’re at it, please
like this video and subscribe to my channel. It could quite literally save your relationship.
So let’s dive into the three big mistakes that people make when trying to get their exes back.
Starting with number one… 1. Trying to change their mind
This is the biggest mistake people make when trying to get their ex back.
It doesn’t matter if you have an airtight argument for why you are the only one who can make your
ex happy. The truth is that people don’t make decisions about love based on facts and logic.
And I think if you think about this for two seconds, you’ll realize that your argument
isn’t actually coming from a place of logic at all. You want your ex back. You’re sad without
them and you think that if you can get them to give you another chance that you’d be happy.
So while you’re employing “logic” and “reason” to make it happen,
in reality, you’re not acting based on logic. You’re acting based on your
emotions and that’s why this approach has never worked in any relationship.
Relationships aren’t just a series of check boxes that you need to fill out. You could have
the perfect partnership on paper: the same hobbies and interests, equal social and financial status,
no conflict, amazing sex and a powerful emotional connection–and
none of that means anything if the other person is just not feeling it.
This may feel unfair, and it is, but it really is that simple.
Love is a feeling. It’s driven by emotion and animal instinct. It’s one of the least logical
things we’ll ever do in our lives. It’s extremely difficult to create a life with another person.
It takes work, vulnerability and growth, and even when everything works out in your favor,
it comes with a lot of pain and difficulty for both parties.
If we were being logical, the “correct” choice would be to avoid relationships altogether. So
then why are we all still looking for that perfect person to complete us?
Because we don’t live our lives based on facts and logic.
And, at the end of the day, would you want a partner who you had to convince to be with you?
Someone who could be convinced based on logic, is only going to stay with
you as long as they’re getting the best deal available to them. Then, when someone comes
around who offers them a better deal then they’ll leave you without a second thought.
2. Love bombing
If you’ve dealt with any insecure or narcissistic people in your life, you may be familiar with love
bombing. Basically it means showering someone with love, affection and gifts in a way that is
extremely excessive. Now, I know many of you are thinking “how can it be wrong to be affectionate
towards a person I love? But the real issue with love bombing is the intention behind it. People
engage in love bombing as a way of manipulating someone else’s emotions in order to get their way.
This comes in the form of over the top compliments and proclamations,
big expensive gifts, and excessively affectionate behaviour like staying by your side 24/7.
While they may not even know that they’re doing it, this doesn’t come from a place of love but
a place of obsession and possession. They want the other person to be so blinded by love and
affection that they ignore any red flags and just agree to accept this love without question. This
is one of the major hallmarks of an abusive relationship. Then, when they have control
over you, they’ll often do a complete flip and withdraw affection and attention completely.
This is typical early on in a relationship during the courtship phase
but it’s also very common after a fight or other conflict. The love bomber wants to manipulate
the situation to end the conflict and get the person back into a submissive state.
There’s also another common scenario that you may experience love bombing and that’s
after a breakup. It’s very common for an ex to use love as a weapon following a breakup
in order to try to change the other person’s mind and get them to take you back.
So if you’re saying things like “you’re the only person I care about. I couldn’t live without you.
You’re my soulmate.” to your ex, you need to stop right now. Not only will this not get you
the result that you’re looking for, it’s actually quite manipulative and, in some cases, borders
on harassment. This is especially true if your ex is telling you to stop, or not replying to you at
all. I know you may think that you’re just being nice and that you’re proving your love to them but
the truth is that this is an attempt on your part to manipulate their emotions and it’s not okay.
And beyond being harmful, here’s another reason not to act this way: love bombing doesn’t work.
It will almost never have the effect of winning an ex back if they were serious about breaking
up with you. Instead, it’s going to set off alarm bells in their mind because it suggests that you
don’t respect their feelings and their decision to end things. I’m sure when they broke up with you,
they gave you real, concrete reasons why they didn’t want to be in this relationship anymore.
Love bombing them is not addressing these concerns, it’s an attempt to override them by
centering your own feelings. You’re basically saying “I know that you don’t want me but that
doesn’t matter to me. I want you enough for the both of us.” You see how that sounds?
And beyond that, it scares exes off because it shows that you’re not in touch with reality.
These are things you say to someone who reciprocates your love,
not in response to someone who just ended the relationship for good. It shows a lack
of boundaries and an inability to face the reality of the situation.
And after all that, if you do end up getting back together with this person despite your
love bombing, you’re going to have a really difficult time rebuilding that trust. Since
love bombing sets a precedent that you won’t be able to maintain in a real relationship.
And now, healthy love and affection is just going to feel watered down compared to your
previous behaviour. You’re really setting yourself up for failure by doing this.
Instead, I welcome you to take a different approach by seeking outside help from someone
who does this for a living. That’s right, I offer one on one coaching for those looking
for a second chance with their ex. Head on over to BreakupBrad.com/Coaching after this video is
over to learn more. It’s more affordable than you think,
it’s completely confidential and it works. That’s BreakupBrad.com/Coaching. I’ll talk to you soon.
3. Reaching out to them all the time
Many people think that if they let their ex out of their sight after a breakup, their ex will forget
about them and move on. This is why so many people will pester their ex with texts, phone calls and,
frankly, clingy and obsessive behaviour. As they say, out of sight, out of mind, right?
Well it turns out that conventional wisdom does not always apply when it
comes to a breakup. In fact, contacting your ex constantly is actually going to
help them move on more quickly than if you left them alone.
First off, “forgetting” someone you were in a serious relationship with is not something that
happens over night. What you’re really afraid of is that they’ll move on and find someone new.
And, I won’t lie to you, this is something that can happen given enough time and the
right circumstances following a breakup. But this process will not be hastened by the fact
that you’re no longer contacting them, calling them and otherwise reaching out. It’s going to
happen regardless of this due to the fact that you two are no longer in a relationship anymore.
In fact, the more you reach out, the more likely you are to help their recovery and hurt your
chances moving forward. Think of it this way. If you and this person had a good relationship,
chances are they have a very positive association with you as a romantic partner. Obviously
this association has been hurt by whatever led to your breakup, but by and large,
it’s still there inside of them, coloring their perception of you. They probably see you as a
great person who they once cared about deeply. But that can change depending on what you do next.
If you continue to contact your ex, no matter how well these conversations go,
you’re going to slowly erode the good image they have of you. Because these little conversations
are only going to remind them of the breakup and cement your position in their mind
as their “ex”. The more interactions you have with them after the breakup,
the more you’re tipping the scales in the wrong direction.
And beyond that, now that you two are no longer together, you’re naturally in competition with new
potential romantic partners. Even if they’re not actively dating, they’re at least subconsciously
open to new relationships now that they’re single. And these little conversations you have with your
ex will naturally have them comparing you two their new interests. And guess what, you’re
coming up short. Because someone new will also ask about their day, show interest and provide
them with affection. But they won’t remind them of a negative time in their life like your breakup.
It’s the baggage you’re bringing with you that’s going to kill the attraction in the long run.
Alright so now that I’ve told you what NOT to do after a breakup.
You’re probably wondering what the best course of action is
if you want your ex back. This is where the No Contact Method comes into play.
The No Contact Method
No Contact is not only going to prevent you from making these three mistakes, it’s also THE best
way to change your ex's mind after a breakup. Let me explain how it works. Basically the No
Contact method means making a clean break after your breakup. It means not texting,
calling or contacting your ex IN ANY WAY for a full 30 days after the initial breakup.
I know, this sounds impossible to some of you. Especially if you’ve been in
regular contact with your ex following the breakup. You probably think that this will
never work. It’s just going to allow your ex the chance to move on and forget about you.
I’m here to tell you that that couldn’t be further from the truth. In fact,
by staying in contact with your ex you’re actually making it easier to get over you
for all the reasons I’ve talked about in this video. You’re easing them off
your presence slowly. Allowing them to get used to life without you and showing
them that no matter what, you’ll still be there for them if they change their mind.
By going No Contact, you force them to live with their decision to end the relationship.
They won’t have you for emotional support anymore and they’ll have to
deal with the breakup all on their own. This alone can be enough for many people
to crack and run back to their exes to beg for a second chance just to put a stop to this pain.
For others, it’s going to take the full 30 days to make them see the error of their ways.
I won’t lie to you, it’s not going to be easy.
But no matter how hard it will be for you, it’ll be even more difficult for
your ex because they’ll have to live with the knowledge that this was their choice.
And earlier I talked about how your ex still has a positive impression of you from your
time together, despite your breakup. The fact is that No Contact reinforces this. You see,
our brains are hardwired to hold on to positive memories and let the negative fade away with
time. This is part of how we get through difficult times without losing our minds.
That’s why I recommend a period of 30 days. This is the optimal period of time for the bad memories
of the breakup to fade away while leaving the positive memories of your time together intact.
But this time has another benefit. These thirty days shouldn’t be wasted just waiting for your
ex to change their mind and come running back to you. Instead, taking these 30 days apart will free
you up to improve yourself and your life as much as possible. The possibilities are endless here.
Maybe your ex hated your lack of ambition and your laziness. Now’s the time to take on
new and exciting projects, try to improve your position at work or simply get fit and active.
Maybe your anger was the problem. Now’s a great time to undertake therapy or anger management.
Even if your breakup wasn’t due to a personal shortcoming on your part,
you’re now free to improve your life in whatever way you see fit. It’s common to become comfortable
and complacent in a relationship so use this breakup as motivation to break out of that rut
and start to live your best life. Not only will this help you pass the time better,
it’s going to increase your confidence and make you more attractive to your ex when the time comes
to begin reconnecting. But that’s a whole other video in itself.
If you want to know more about No Contact and what your next move is,
I’d recommend subscribing to my channel and checking out some of
my related videos on the right side of the screen and in the description below.
But that brings me to the end of this video. I wish you the best of luck on your No Contact
journey. Remember the reason that it’s difficult is because it’s worth doing.
Thanks for watching and I’ll see you next time.