(alternative rock music)
- Listen, a lot of people say
"Dave, what'd you do this weekend?
"What does a star do?" (laughter)
Nobody said that,
but I did go to McDonald's.
A lot of people say
"I can't believe you go to McDonald's."
And then I say I went in.
And then they go "Wait, you went and ate there?"
And I go, "Yeah, I like it.
"Man of the peeps, you know?" (laughter)
They think it's gets weird I go in but I like it.
But sometimes on the way in
you can pull these little shenanigans if you want.
It's a little jerky,
but I connect eyes with one of the cashiers,
and I go "It's me and you, me and you."
And at the last second
I juke him out and go to someone else.
(laughter)
It's nothing, it's just something to kill time.
And the guy's like (growls).
What does he care, he doesn't get commission.
(laughter)
And then on my next uncool move,
I try to trip them a bit when I order.
'Cause they're so odd and he's like
"Can I help you?"
I'm like, "You know what, Steve, you can."
"All right, here we go." (laughter)
And he goes, I go "Quarter pounder with cheese."
He goes (makings beeping noises).
And then I go "Diet coke." (making beeping noise)
And I go "And fries."
He goes (making beeping noises).
And then I hit them with the curve ball.
I go "Ah, you know what?
"No onions on that quarter pounder."
He's like (making weird noise).
(laughter)
Freeze up, freaks out,
bead of sweat, (makes weird noise).
They have to shut the whole place down.
We have a code blue situation, code blue.
Scramble, scramble.
Sword 29.
And nothing can happen
until the guy with the keys comes over.
(making zipping noise) "Oh, yeah.
"Nice to see you.
"No onions, no problem." (laughter and applause)
"Back to fries, loser." (laughter)
"There you go.
"I know all the buttons.
"I initial all the voids." (laughter)
"I got all the codes (chuckles) I'm the main guy.
"There's a reason I've been here six months."
This is not topical news but I have a quick movie review.
I saw "Dolphin Tale", you know what that is,
this weekend on TV when I was napping
and I have a few problems with it.
Just quickly, its about a dolphin with a bad attitude
who gets caught in a lobster trap
and then his tale gets hacked off
and then he doesn't have the little wiggle tail part.
Which, by the way, things could be worse,
especially in this economy.
Of course he's immediately a dick about it.
Most dolphins are cool.
Not this guy, no. (laughter)
He's bitching about (mimics dolphin call).
So they try to help him,
the people at the zoo or wherever, I don't know.
But they make this little plastic tail
out of some Popsicle sticks or something,
but they help him swim.
It's not from the Sharper Image
but it'll get the job done.
And immediately dickface goes over
and starts banging against the wall of the pool
like an asshole, he's freaking out like
"I hate it, I hate my fake tail."
Full Jan Brady tantrum. (laughter)
And they guys are looking at him like
"It's for your own good, dipshit."
"We're trying to help you."
They want to help him swim around in circles
even though it's boring but that's all they do.
That's what you like so we're helping you with your,
anyway, so after that they're gonna shut done the zoo
or whatever the B story is.
I didn't really know. (laughter)
I didn't really understand the movie.
But then they have this expensive doctor come in
and they make him a super nice tail that's tricked out
and they were even having a fundraiser for him.
I'm like "Hey, who cares?
"Put him to sleep." (laughter and groaning)
No, no, because he doesn't want it, remember?
You don't want your tail, remember?
It's such a burden, remember you hate it?
So anyway, they give him this big kickass tail,
they put it on him.
Naturally,
cue idiot smash into the wall,
crash, break,
"I hate it, I hate the ocean, I hate everything."
(laughter)
Full dolphin attitude.
I'm like "Hey, moron, have fun drowning
"because you can't swim without it.
"Do you get what's going on?"
Anchor, sinking, have fun drowning.
You know what I would do?
I would hold up the fake tail
and then a shot with the stuff that puts him to sleep
and I'd be like "Which one?" (laughter)
That's my ending of the movie.
I'd be like "Just point, which one, lets do it."
I didn't like that dolphin
and I hope he's not in the sequel.
(laughter) Anyway, a long story short,
this show is a lot like "Dolphin Tail" but with less jokes.
Okay, bye. (laughter)
Flirting has come a long way.
I used to have to call people.
'Cause I'm older I used to have to call people
when I was growing up.
And that was even worse.
It was a push button phone.
And if you had to ask out a girl
you had to call her on the phone, it was horrifying,
and you had to dial (making beeping sounds).
And then you'd stall. (making beeping sounds)
(blows) And then you'd have to wait and talk.
And I go "Hello?
"Hey, you don't want to go to the prom with me, right?
"You probably don't, okay, bye."
(laughter)
Horrifying.
You have it so easy now.
Or I'd have to go to their locker
and ask them out face to face.
Sickening.
I'm like
"I know the prom's this week,"
and they're like this. (laughter)
You'll never know when you text,
that face of them going
"Whoa, you're not gonna--" (laughter)
Sometimes when you go to a restaurant,
I went to a six-star restaurant, one better.
And hostesses are very nice,
but they like to strike up a little jibber jabber
before you sit down.
But it always goes nowhere 'cause it's only 10 feet.
So she's like "Mr. Spade, we're so excited to have you.
"How was your week?"
And I go "Oh, I had a little bit of heath scare--"
"Here we are." (laughter and applause)
I go "I'm sure it's nothing.
"Don't worry about me.
"I mean, I'll get a CAT scan.
"I'll CC the whole hostess stand."
But one time a couple years ago
I was and a date and I was trying to puff up,
and there was this snooty maitre d.
And I'm waiting and he finally goes
"Okay, right this way, ladies."
And I go (laughter)
"Is he talking to us?"
And I go, (laughter)
So is start walking,
but it sort of cooled me down a little bit
in front of the girl.
So I'm walking and I'm steaming (mimics horn).
And I'm like, I'm getting so mad,
I go "When he sees me he's gonna freak out."
And then I look and some guy's like "Joe Dirt."
I'm like "Yes, I look like a guy, exactly."
So I start going and I go
"This guy's gonna fire himself, this is gonna be great."
And then there's some stairs and he looks right at me
and he goes "Watch, your step, gals."
And I go "Again?
"I am a sir!
"I have a mustache sort of." (laughter)
Anyway, eat at home.
So I went to Magic Mountain this weekend,
which is an amusement park.
They call it Six Flags Magic Mountain.
You don't need the Six Flags part.
You don't need two names.
Magic Mountain is it, you know what I mean?
Let me tell you something,
in terms of marketing, Magic Mountain.
It's hooky, it's catchy.
I know show biz.
Magic Mountain.
Six Flags, who cares about that?
How many flags are at your amusement park?
No one says that.
Six, oh, oh.
Six out of 10?
No, just six.
It's nowhere, right, so Magic Mountain.
The point is it's definitely more mountain than magic.
Honestly, spoiler alert, I got some bad news.
It's not even 50/50.
It's barely magic, 99% mountain.
It's like cheese on pasta.
Here's the magic part. (makes grating noise)
Here's the mountain part. (making grating noise)
Stop, no, (making grating noise), more mountain.
All mountain.
If you don't believe me ask my step counter.
'Cause it was like (makes weird noise).
It was literally smoking,
it was -- (making weird noises).
Seizing up all the gears in there.
Because my pint size little spindly noodle legs
have never dealt with so much trauma.
(laughter)
I took my 11-year-old kid because I'm trying to be her hero,
but I also have a bad neck.
So she wants to go on all the rides.
I'm like "We're here,
"can we just look around at all the scenery and enjoy life?"
I can't even get to focus on the rides
because I'm looking at the Mount Everest they're sitting on.
It looks like an inspirational poster of a mountain
and me trying to think about it
with the word "determination" under it.
So I get on one ride, I only did one,
and it (bleep) me up, of course.
It's not a fun little rollercoaster,
like, woo, it's scary.
It's literally like most of them are based on a car crash.
(laughter) You know what I mean?
This one's called Telephone Pole,
It's 100 miles an hour then wham!
Stop on a dime and everyone's like (groaning).
People are walking up crying and calling lawyers.
I'm basically slumped in the ride.
They have to bring the Jaws of Life to get me out.
(mimics machinery) (laughter)
The worst part is I bought
one of those scammer passes for VIPS.
One where you cut in front of the line.
And at first I'm whizzing by people.
They're like "Aye," they're all excited.
"Joe Dirt, Benchwarmers."
And then you do it twice, they're still in line.
They're like "Hey (bleep) you, dude."
(laughter) "I'm calling the cops."
So am I a hero?
Who knows, I don't know, all right bye!
I went to some nice restaurant in LA, four stars.
And I was sitting there thinking I was King Cock,
and then of course they go like this,
they're trying to whisk me out after a while.
They're like "How was your night."
These are the key signs.
I go "It's still good." (laughter)
"Did you have fun here while you were and you had dinner?"
I go "I'm still eating."
And then they, the trick, sent me a dessert.
And I go "Aw, thanks."
Sent me a second one, swear to god.
That's call Amscray.
They give you 90 minutes.
And then I look over, I see Fetty Wap.
He's eyeballing my booth with his good eye,
he's like this. (laughter)
I go "You want it?
"He outranks me?"
"Yes, he does, sir." (laughter)
Just happened at dinner last night.
I went to a nice restaurant.
And when I went to order to shrimp,
sometimes I say "shrimps"
just to see if the guys corrects me.
It's kind of a dick move but it's fun.
And last night it went on forever.
I go "Aye, you guys have any shrimps here?"
And he goes "Yeah, we have shrimp."
(laughter)
He politely tries to correct me but he doesn't really say it
he just says it right.
And then I go "Oh, can I get four shrimps?"
(laughter)
And he goes
"Yeah, we can do four shrimp." (laughter)
And I go "Could I get five shrimps?"
(laughter)
And he goes "Yeah, you can have five shrimp, shrimp."
And then I go
"There's no way you can do 10 shrimps.
"Can you jam 10 shrimps on a shrimps cocktail?"
(laughter)
And he goes "We can do as many shrimp as you like, shrimp.
"We can't do shrimps.
"We can do shrimp."
He cracked, I knew he would. (laughter)
That was my highlight.
It's better at Cheesecake Factory.
The guy is like
"We got shrimps coming out our ass.
"What do you need?"
I started out as a dishwasher first,
that was my first job.
I made three bucks an hour.
So after an eight hour shift that's roughly,
that's not a lot. (laughter)
Not too much.
I never made it to waiter because my manager says
"You don't got the stuff."
I'm like "What stuff do you need."
The busboy's harder.
I thought I should show my personality more.
So one day,
I'd always talk to tables and he goes
"Hey, chatterbox," (laughter)
He's always smoking inside.
He goes "Hey, don't talk to the customers."
I go "They like it."
And he goes "They don't, they don't, just do your job."
(laughter)
So Father's Day comes around,
it's packed to the gills.
I got tables 60 through 70,
which is the hardest section.
Everyone knows at the restaurant it's not for amateurs.
(laughter)
They wouldn't put a rookie there.
So I'm good,
'cause busboying, it's all back and spine.
So the special of the day was shark.
And so someone says to me
"Hey, how's the shark?"
And I go "Oh, I have a motto:
"I don't eat them, they don't eat me."
"Can I talk to you?"
I go, (laughter)
I go over and he goes "What did I just say?
"What are you doing over there?"
I go "I don't know, killing?" (laughter)
And he goes "They don't like it."
I go "Oh, is that why I'm getting applause breaks?
"I'm a fan favorite."
So I wave over and I go "I'll be here all week."
And he goes "You're fired."
I go "Maybe not." (laughter)
You guys, a lot of people talk to me and they say
"Dave, are you a redneck in real life?"
Because of "Joe Dirt" I get that a lot.
They think I'm some goat roper.
But it's kind of true 'cause I grew up in Arizona,
and one sort of proof of concept comes to mind.
I had a brother, Brian,
who would keep rattlesnakes in a cage in his bedroom.
So I'm my house, with three brothers,
my two brothers, we had five rattlesnakes
and a tarantula in a cage.
How do we get these rattlesnakes, you ask.
Well, they're usually in our yard.
'Cause everything's gravel in Arizona
so we'd see them.
One day there's a big fatty out there
and we're trying to catch him.
And people, they'll go "How do you catch a rattlesnake?"
It's not that hard.
You have a two-gallon jug like for milk, an empty one,
and then we took two tennis rackets,
and you pinch it behind the neck,
and then you put the he'd in the milk thing,
and it goes to the bottom and it curls around,
it doesn't know what to do.
It can't get out.
This is not foolproof by the way.
(laughter)
It's sort of a life hack, don't call me on it.
So we're out there scrambling to get this rattlesnake
just to make it an even six,
and then my drunk stepdad comes home and he goes
"What are you guys doing?"
And we go "We're trying to get this."
He goes "You want to grab a rattlesnake?
"All you got to do is pick it and you jam it in."
And of course it bit him right on the hand
because we always knew there was reason
we weren't just picking it up and putting it in.
It (bleep) bites you and they're poisonous.
Everyone forgets that part.
And so he goes
"I'm gonna go take a nap." (laughter)
I go "No shit, I bet you will."
And then he went and laid down, he like,
and then we swelled up like the Michelin Man
and he got all purple
and we had to wake him up and take him to the hospital.
Anyway moral of the story is
rattlesnakes, not your friends.
My pet peeve,
I have a pet peeve right now.
It's heat lamps in LA.
I don't know if you eat out in LA,
but they don't have heat lamps perfected just yet.
I'm having a perfectly nice night in LA
but then the temperature plummets down to 71.
And everybody freaks out
and demands they blast the heat lamp on the patio.
Let me tell you something,
they don't blast them in Chicago
til it's 15 degrees, all right.
(laughter)
If you're going out to dinner and it's chilly
and you're gonna sit outside in LA,
were a goddamn sweat or a coat.
Don't make the outside the inside.
Juts sit inside. (laughter)
The heating needs to be perfected.
It has two speeds, zero or two million.
Zero or melanoma.
Zero or burnt to a crisp.
Zero or burn unit covered in alow vera with no insurance.
(laughter)
And when they turn it on it's like (mechanic humming),
it's almost blowing your hair back.
I'm like "Hey, this is a great restaurant.
"Who ordered the burnt hair?" (laughter)
"It smells great tonight."
I mean honestly why don't you just light a flare
and hold it on the back of my neck?
It dries you out so (bleep) fast.
You could like a match on my eyeball.
(laughter)
Girls always think it's hot when you're picking your nose
and you start a brush fire in the valley.
(laughter)
I find myself sucking for oxygen in these things
after four minutes.
LA, the only place where I need
an oxygen snorkel with my crab cakes.
And then, meanwhile on the inside of the restaurant,
they're like "It's 71, can you crank the AC?"
(laughter) It's the opposite.
I actually had a scary thing happen at the airport.
My brother,
it's Christmas and I'm standing there
and I'm about to leave the hotel
and he's like this,
"Aye, I got you this."
And he gives me a used 10-inch knife, like a bowie knife
with a little bit of dried blood on it.
I go "Eh." (laughter)
And then I put it in my bag.
I go "What's up with that?"
And he goes "You like knives.
"You're always at dinner,
"you're like can I have a knife?"
I'm like "Well," (laughter)
and then he goes, I go "Where'd you get that?"
And he goes "It's crazy,
"there was a big gang fight at my apartments.
"And so all the cops are looking over there.
"I'm like what's going on?
"I see this knife right by my feet."
And he goes "I kick it under the car 'cause I'm thinking,"
I go "Christmas."
And he goes "Yeah, Christmas." (laughter)
By the way, I got to tn they're like "Mr. Spade."
I'm like "Aye, fans."
And they're like "Step away from your bag."
Four cops come over.
And they go "Do not go to your bag."
I go "All right, all right."
And then he goes (makes weird noise), "Is this yours?"
I go "Oh, that's so funny." (laughter)
"Yes and no, it should be in a (bleep) evidence bag
"in a court room right now, but yeah."
I ran out of gas on the way to work here
and it's the biggest day of course for the show,
but I run out of gas.
And the problem is there's almost no reason
to run out of gas in this day and age.
'Cause 20 years ago if you did people go "Oh, that sucks."
But now they're like "Are you a (bleep) moron?"
"How do you run out of gas?"
All the cars help you.
(makes beeping sound) 100 miles until you only have 40 miles
until you're out of gas.
(makes beeping sound) 20 more miles.
I would start taking this seriously.
(makes beeping sound) Six miles left,
are you listening to me?
Looks like you're heading towards the mall
and not towards any gas stations.
(makes beeping sound) Is thing on?
Can you hear me?
You need gas, dick!
(makes beeping sound) One mile, why am I even talking?
Why do I waste my electronic breath on you?
And then I run out of gas and I hear it go "Excellent."
"What'd you say?"
"Nothing, it's horrible.
"Let me guess, I'm calling AAA now from the car?
"Do you want me to call your mom,
"or do you want to call a psychiatrist?
"I mean what the F is wrong with you?
"You ran out of gas in 2019?"
I love this when the police in Tennessee
are warning people not to flush drugs down their toilet.
Who would?
Because they say it might create meth-addicted alligators.
- I first read "Meth Gator" and I thought it was a sequel,
the "Joe Dirt" number three. - Sure, easily, easily.
'Cause nothing says America like a meth-addicted gator.
- We're working on crack-o-dile though.
It's very similar. - So close.
I saw this one at 7/11.
He's like "Can I suck your (bleep)?"
(laughter)
Hey, come on, gator, that's not--
- [Girl] Then he went and stole your car battery.
- Stole me car battery and then licked it.
Either way, meth or an alligator,
they're gonna live under a bridge.
You ever had girls that go,
this is how you know you're dead in the water.
You go on a girl and then you hit her up,
and then you text her and she waits four days.
And then she goes "I'm the worst texter."
(laughter)
And I don't answer right away, I wait about 30 seconds--
(laughter)
And then I hit them again,
and then a week later she's like
"Hey, I'm so bad at texting.
"I'm the worst."
And then you take her out on a date,
and then all night she's over it like this.
(makes weird noises) (laughter)
I go, "Oh." (applause)
"I see you got the hang of it."
(alternative rock music)