Hey guys, welcome back thanks for joining me for another video summary is here and the kids are outside playing
So if you hear any noise just know that those are just the kids in the neighborhood
Playing outside. They have been like loving life today. God I miss being a kid
But anyways, let's get into this week's video. So this week I want to tackle everyone take a breath everyone do a breather
meditation
relax, because we are going to be talking about the vindictive narcissist and this is
really huge because if you are dealing with this type of person or have dealt with this type of person it is an extremely
Stressful situation to be in this person is relentless
This person is abusive
And if you don't even sometimes know that this is the bully that you're dealing with then
You're gonna get caught up in this drama and it's going to completely drain you or possibly even destroy you on some level
So I want to go over
Why this person is trying to hurt you in such a way we need to understand this person
So we understand or not just understand. We need to understand them so we don't take what they do
So personally and we also need to learn coping skills ourselves in order to be able to deal with this person. So regardless how a
Narcissistically abusive relationship ends, one of two things are going to happen either
the narcissus is going to discard you and ignore you intentionally or
if you did the discard or if you wanted the relationship to end you might be dealing with someone who is
extremely abusive and relentless
regardless of how the relationship ends at some point
You could very well see this
person rear their ugly head
So a lot of people struggle with this vindictive narcissist because they don't understand why
This person is so relentless to hurt you and a lot of the times
When this person really rears their nasty head is actually when they discarded you
So the reason for the discard is because you are no longer a good source of narcissistic supply
So there you have become so weak and insecure and low confidence that
You're not giving that narcissist what they need
You're not showing up in a way that they want you to be in the world and in society
Right or possibly you've actually gained a lot of strength and are taking charge of the situation
And seeing it for what it is and you're not putting up with this abuse anymore
and so possibly when you started standing up for yourself, or
setting boundaries in the relationship this person didn't like that and because they didn't like that they possibly
Discarded you now because you weren't a good source of narcissistic supply
You caused a narcissistic injury, which is basically a toddler saying hey, you can give me what I wanted
You didn't behave the way I wanted you to you didn't say the things I wanted you to say you didn't let me
Manipulate you or abused you you started standing up for yourselves or possibly?
You just gave me everything so easily and you're not even a confident person anymore that you're not
mirroring what I want to see in a partner and
because of one of those two things I'm going to discard you and when the discard happens either the person is going to
Literally leave your life like that and
Intentionally ignore you because that's their way of hurting you
To make you feel like you didn't even exist that the relationship didn't even matter that
It wasn't even you that they were in love with now they're in love with this new person because there's always a new person around
The corner because in our systems cannot leave a relationship without having another form of narcissistic supply ready for them
And even if the discard happens and they don't ignore you completely
They're going to loop back around at some point and become extremely
Vindictive and want to hurt you in such an abusive way and it could be
Throwing their a new partner in your face
it could be completely ignoring you and and making you feel like you didn't even matter and that you weren't actually even in a
Normal healthy relationship because no relationship ends. That way where someone completely just discards you in such a
careless and loving lessly now where normal healthy people
Struggle with this type of is because they can't understand why this person wants to hurt them
so you left the relationship you got everything you wanted and yet you still want to hurt me or I
Tried and tried for years with you. I told you that
Hey the way you were treating me wasn't okay that
I now got to a place where I had no point but to no choice but to leave this relationship and
Now you're upset with me as if I never worked hard on this relationship or tried at all
And so the person gets really stuck in this loop of not
Understanding why they are trying to hurt them in in so many ways whether it's verbal whether it's physical whether it's manipulation
Whether it's threats, whether it's bullying
Whatever. They just don't understand why this person can't take responsibility for themselves and is now trying to hurt them
so the number one reason why a narcissist becomes vindictive or a bully and
abuses you on many different levels is because
internally, they are suffering and
Because of this suffering that's going on inside. It is just spewing out. So I'm so unhappy
I'm suffering in such a way inside
This person has caused such a narcissistic injury within me that I don't know how to take care of myself
I don't know how to soothe myself. I don't know how to take responsibility for how I feel in this moment
I'm putting it on everyone else and everyone else is going to suffer for the suffering that I'm actually feeling inside
Now because a narcissist is incapable of understanding
Okay
What is it that I feel what's really going inside?
they never learned how to have that self dialog that you and I
Know how to have now that we've learned how to do it ourselves as well
So they don't know how to do that
so number one not only do they not know how they feel but
They don't even know how to even remotely get to the place of understanding
how they feel and even if they kind of tiptoe on the surface of oh
I feel bad because or I feel unhappy because or I feel sad because
They're immediately going to suppress that feeling and make it someone else's responsibility
so if I don't take responsibility for myself ever and it's up to everyone else to make
Feel good inside to give me what I want. Let me abuse them
Basically, you're dealing with a child
And if you're dealing with a child this child because they don't know how to handle them on their own cells
They're going to hurt you just like any other child would if a child doesn't get their way, what do they do?
They stomp their feet their head to their room. They say mom and dad
I hate you or you're mean you're not this you're not nice because
You're setting a boundary because you're basically saying hey, you can't do this. You can't talk to me this way
You're not gonna just do whatever you want day in and day out
So because this Narcis has never learned that this is how they deal with wife
they become very vindictive and here comes all of the abuse and all of the threats and all the bullying and
Everything else that they want to throw your way now for a lot of people this is an extremely painful
situation to be in because the loop of asking themselves all of these questions of
What did I do to them?
Why are they trying to hurt me, you know every single time I try to even just be a normal person
It's like they don't even care. How can they say these things and cut me at my knees?
How can they try to manipulate me on so many levels?
Why are they trying to shame me why they me trying to make me feel guilty for?
Saying no or just telling them how I felt or anything
So the simple answer is because they don't know how to deal with their selves
They are never going to understand the magnitude of their actions
They might know that they're hurting you. They might know that they're cutting you at their knees and on some level
It makes them feel good to see someone else suffer
It kind of eases the pain and the uncomfortable feelings that they themselves are feeling and I know that sounds sick and twisted
But that's how this works. It's just basically a transfer of energy
Hey
if I see that I did something that got to you then that means that I matter if
I see that I did something and it got to you now you're upset. I realized that wow
I actually have the power over someone else or
look how
Terrible their life is now because I left them and they're single and they have no one and now I have this great relationship
because I deserve this great relationship because what I think and what I want and every single moment is all that matters, so
They're not able to
actually have
Empathy. So if I have empathy then I might be hurt by something that you did, right
Maybe you didn't give me my way or anything like that
But because of my self loving adult and I know how to take care of my own self
I'm not gonna put that on anyone else but let's just say for a moment my ego runs over and takes over the show and
I say something that's hurtful because you hurt me and I'm kind of playing that tit-for-tat
type of thing and I become a little and I want to say vindictive but because I'm in pain I'm gonna cause you pain
right
There comes a moment
Whenever we say something then we know we shouldn't have said or did something that we know we shouldn't have did because our egos
Involved and we're feeling a certain way whether it's disappointment or pain or sadness or whatever
we
Recognize maybe not sometimes in that moment because like I said that ego completely took over but we recognize at some point
Hey, I did something
I said something that I shouldn't have and I'm sorry
I'm gonna own my part and I'm going to have empathy because I understand how badly I hurt you
This person is incapable of doing that
So because this person absolutely has no empathy. They have no ability to put themselves in your shoes. They're not gonna understand
why like they're not gonna
Care quite frankly that what they're doing is so hurtful is so vindictive is a bully is nasty
They're not gonna see any of that even if a court of law
Says, hey you're bullying you're threatening this person. Sometimes they still won't be able to see it. They'll still say
Point-blank to a judge point-blank to a police officer or whatever
Hey, I don't think that what I did was wrong because they really don't they believe their own lies
so because they're unable to
Process whether or not something is over the top and usually things are over the top
So if you've upset someone who's narcissistic more than likely the reaction that you're gonna get of anger or frustration
And what they're going to do to?
Basically get back at you in such a way because they're in so much pain inside. It's it's ridiculous
It's so uncalled for it's so over the top that you can't even understand where that came from. It doesn't even match
what you know the events just happen or the
conversation that just happened because you're dealing with someone who's emotionally immature because you're dealing with someone who's a child it is unable to
Process what they think and even if that ego does come through and they react negatively to maybe not getting their way
Usually normal healthy adults will still if that ego gets in the way will still react in a way. That's a little bit
Normal based on what just happened or the conversation that just happened?
Whereas a narcissist will go from zero to ten and all of a sudden you're like, whoa
like I just basically said no to you and now you're like cutting me at my knees like
The reaction is so inappropriate that you often don't even understand how a person can get there
but it's because you're dealing with that emotional immaturity now because you're dealing with someone who is
severely immature
Severely an insecure has a lot of emotional wounds going on inside of them and luckily for us. Yay
They know nothing about this. They don't know at all where their wounds are
They don't know where their insecurities are. And even if they did quite frankly they're never going to take responsibility for it
So because you're dealing with this type of person at times you're going to receive that conductive behavior at that backlash
number one
Constantly repeating that this has nothing to do with you that this is just a reaction to all of the suffering that's going on inside
This person now in order to get to that place you have to learn. This is why I've stressed time and time again
Learning how to respond and not react. This is why learning how to hold on to yourself and
Seeing the situation. This is where we're removing ourselves emotionally from situations or understanding, okay
This is the person that usually you know is vindictive
This is the behavior that this person usually gets where it becomes tricky is where you tend to see
points with this with this person where they're normal so to speak so if you're getting like bouts of
you know, they're being reasonable or being understanding or
Working well together just know that all of that is a facade and all of that is just Anna
So if I'm if I'm a narcissist I'm gonna work. Well with you I'm gonna be harmonious. I'm going to be
Understanding. I'm going to yep
let's work together on this because
ultimately
I have an agenda and I'm trying to get something out of the situation and most often when you see someone that is a
Narcissistic that is working. Well with you a week later. They're asking for a favor two weeks later
They're saying hey, so you remember that time and I kind of helped you out. It's always an agenda
It's always a tip for tat game that this person is playing. It's just a control game. And so
learning how to respond to these people and not react to them is
absolutely huge
Learning how to soothe that whenever you have to go toe-to-toe with this person and they do something that's been dicta
or they do something that's hurtful, you know learning how to
Parent yourself through that and not taking that abuse on and I think that that's it
Absolutely. So important not just for someone who's narcissistic
but anyone that's using any kind of an emotionally abusive tactic on you is learning how to create that bubble and
Letting things kind of bounce off you and not you know
whatever someone does whenever someone says not holding on to it and keeping it inside because again
What someone does to you never has anything to do with you?
So if I'm a self loving person and I'm gonna take care of myself. I'm going to
regardless of the situation
I'm gonna take responsibility for my own feelings
I'm not gonna put that on you regardless of what you do to me because I know how to emotionally mentally take care of myself
so
I hope that this video has helped you
Understand why a narcissist can become vindictive and also give you some tips on how you can begin to kind of soothe yourself through these
Interactions because they absolutely are difficult ones if you have to, you know, be in contact with this person
So if you're dealing with someone that you have to work with and you can't just quit a job tomorrow
if you're dealing with someone that you have to co-parent with or
Even someone that you know a family member that you have to see from time to time
I always say no contact but at times we just can't do that in certain situations
so
I hope that this has kind of helped you to ease that frustration that you may
Dealing with this person. If you have any questions or comments, please leave them down below
I will leave all of my private coaching information down below as well in the comments section and I will see you next week