[Intro music]
Hello my little bees! I... [laughs] I have never intro'd a video like that before
but I wanted to try it
Today, we are talking about sex-u-al-it-y!
As you can see by the name of this video, "AM I GAY" [laughs]
I wanna talk about expression of sexuality and feeling more comfortable in your sexuality and all that sexy stuff.
So I feel like embracing your sexuality is- is a thing- it's a- it's a trend right n- it's trending
And it's a very... very, like, l- i'ts a theme that is reoccuring in the media and in the trans community and all of that fun stuff, so, I wanna talk about...
...changing sexuality. Which I've talked about, absolutely, I've talked about changing sexuality
actually, I believe I talk about that with Stef, and, um, we collabed on it and that was a great video and I'll put a link in the description below
But, I want m-more to talk about, today, about embracing your sexuality
and I wanna talk about, like, doubting your sexuality, so
quick little history of me:
I was... when I was younger, I was like, I'm bisexual, I'm a lesbian, um,
then I was like, I'm trans, wh-what am I, I don't know, I don't want to be straight cause that's weird
so I guess I'll stay being a lesbian trans guy
and then I was nothing, really, again, not really having a label
and then I found the label queer.
[gasp] And that label was just beautiful to me, because I was able to identify with it so much.
And do you know why? Because queer means something different to everyone, and it is such a beautiful word for me
to embrace for myself. I don't attribute it to anyone else, cause you should not be doing that,
but for me,
I see as something just so empowering for me and it helps embrace my sexuality because
over the last little history that I just gave you, my attraction to different types of bodies have changed so much.
So a lot of people who watch my videos assume that I'm gay.
Because I have colored hair and, more recently, because I pa-paint my nails, and I wear colorful shirts, and I have a cat wall, and I talk with my hands,
and I guess I do very feminine things that are very stereotypically gay, I guess, which is very problematic
but whatever. So, everyone always thinks that I'm gay. And even in real life, honestly, like
sometimes I'm out with someone who is my friend, and they talk to us as if we are friends, instead of if we were together or something like that
And, i-it's a little bit hurtful, but I also like that, because it makes me feel like my queer identity is still there even if I end up being with a woman.
And I- that's- that- that's been the- the biggest issue for me.
So I have dated men, cis men, in the past, and... did I identify as gay when I was dating them? No.
I didn't. And I guess you could say that our relationship was a "gay relationship", but
I still held onto my queer identity because that's who I am, that's th-the core of me is I am queer, and
I relate that to my gender, expression as well, and my gender identity, because I don't identify 100% as male, like,
yeah, I-I go under the FTM umbrella, but like...
Yo, I'm a squiggle, technically, I-I'm all over the place. I-I would technically fit under the nonbinary umbrella
but I'm good with just saying that I'm trans, because that's just- that's just how I identify, but
the queerness in me has always been there and will always be there.
[Sighs] So I had kind of a crisis, um, on the podcast, like, maybe a couple of months ago where I was like
or maybe it was in my videos, where I was like, sometimes I feel like I'm... I'm expected to be with men.
And... or maybe it was women, I dunno, we'll go with men.
Where I'm expected to be with men because I'm gay, and I feel like I'm holding these expectations to myself, and it's hard,
because when you go on all these apps like Grindr and Scruff and Hornet to meet people, you get rejected a lot,
and it sucks, and it's because you're trans,
and it hurt a lot, and it made me feel like I'm unlovable, and I'm never gonna be able to
find somebody who actually loves me who is a cis man.
And that really hurt, but it still felt like I needed that cis validation, which is another topic for another day. But,
I feel like I craved it so much. So there was a time when I'm like, am I not actually queer? Am I- am I gay?
Like- like- like, this is not clickbaiting, okay, like, literally, am I gay?
And, it- because I am very attracted to the male body, and to the male physique and...
I'm just not attracted to the emotional... men... stuff. And that's where all of this stuff just gets confusing to me
because, I am very, very still attracted to women
and women's bodies are super attractive, and if you put a woman, a- uh- like, a woman's body in front of me, I guess
and I'm not talking cis or trans or anything, I'm just talking a woman's body. So it doesn't matter if they're cis or trans.
You're putting this body in front of me, and you're putting a man's body - trans or cis, whatever -
and it just, I- n- it doesn't matter to me, I have an attraction to both equally, and...
to me, that's such a- it-it's a mind... fuck, because I felt like I would never be able to get to a point
and, I don't identify as bisexual, but I guess you can put me as that if you want, but I identify more as queer, but
I see these two bodies, and I'm equally attracted to them. But I tend to want to sleep more with men,
but be in relationships with women.
And, it's such an interesting aspect to me, and I've been truly trying to like, soul search, about, like, how do I-
How do I do this, how- how do I go on YouTube and talk about my sexuality so openly,
yet I'm here sitting at my desk, like, am I gay?
Like, am I just gay? Am I just gonna have to, like, deal with like, some men are just unemotional
and I know I'm being super stereotypical right now, I'm just like, giving you examples
because yes, there are men out there who
are very emotional. But, look, I'm a lot to handle hunty, okay? Like, I have- I have a lot of issues
and I'm emotional, and I cry a lot, and I need somebody who is there... who can be there for me
And I'm not saying that women are there and men aren't there, for me
I'm just saying that typically, the people who I have dated, it's been women who have always been more emotionally invested
and men who have been more sexually invested.
So I- I have this dilemma, alright? And I wanna embrace my sexuality. And I think that I figured out what it is.
I think that I am so fixated on cis peen because I, myself would love to have a wiener,
alright, and I have bottom dysphoria, and it sucks, and it hurts, and I would love to have phalloplasty in the future
and I think that I'm so fixated on the male body that... I want to get as close to a wiener as I possibly can.
So, going to sleep with men, and being around that wiener, makes me feel like I can... kind of...
identify with that wiener. And it doesn't make me dysphoric, and I really do, like, enjoy penetration
in the front, and I'm usually a bottom when I'm with men, although I can top too [clicks tongue flirtatiously]
Um [laughs] But then when you- wh-when I look at the emotional side, I've never, in my life, been ever able to connect
with... a guy. With a man, trans or cis, on an emotional level that I need.
And it's very interesting because then you slide off to the other side,
and I feel so emotionally connected to women, and I wanna be close to women, and I wanna be with women, and
maybe that's because I really embrace my feminine side, and I've always only had female friends, and I've always...
it's not like men are the enemy, but like... everyone in my life, you know, like, I've kind of- i-it was always... women.
And I kind of really love the emotional connection that I can have with women and how I can open myself up and be more vulnerable
Where I feel, myself, for men- and I know I'm being super gender right now, and not including nonbinary people, I'm just telling you that
I'm having a sexual crisis, alright?
And when I look at women, I do have that emotional bond, and connection and vulnerability
and I let myself be vulnerable,
and I think maybe I've had... just... so- there's too much thinking in my head
of "am I gay? Am I not gay? Can I keep my identity as queer? What am I? What's my gender?
It's- it's just all over the place and it's very exhausting. So I think I've come to a place where I understand that
it really doesn't matter, and I've always felt like this, and
the thoughts that I've had, if I end up being with a man,
I just need to find somebody who is... emotionally vulnerable.
And will let me be emotionally vulnerable, and that we can help each other through things that have happened in our life and we're not so closed off
And if I end up with a woman, I also want that, because there are some women who aren't emotional at all.
But then it's when you talk about the sex, right? Cause this is all mental.
When you talk about the sex- I feel like I'm going up and down like genitals and head - head -
Um [laughs
When we go down to the genitals, it's like, what do I really want?
Cause I see both of them also as equal- it's interesting, cause when I'm with men, I'm usually a bottom, like 96% of the time I'm the b- I'm a bottom, with men.
When I'm with women, um, you would expect me to be a top 100% of the time, I feel, but you need to understand me,
that ain't my life. Because I need to be with someone who will do me as much as I do them.
So, I... If I am with a woman, I need- it needs to be 50/50
It needs to be that you are comfortable with having sex with me,
in the front, in the back, wherever,
I just have all these things, sexually, that I wanna do, and that I like to do, and I would love to explore with somebody
and it's just so fun when you meet that person, that's like, super open, and...
you don't fixate anymore, on... like... the phallic object of men
and that feels like I'm objectifying men just for their bodies. Like,
you go to a show, and you see men, you know, dressing in speedos, and dancing around, like yeah, fuck, their body is really hot
And like, I'm like, mmm. But, I'm really just like... Do I want that on top of me?
Do I? Like yeah, sure, I do, but...
I'm not looking for sex right now. I'm at a place in my life where I would like to share my life with someone
So, I feel like, I look at women, and I am super attracted to women's bodies, but...
I dunno how to explain it. I dunno. I feel like I'm being really problematic, by the way, but...
I... I've come to a place where I understand that, am I gay is not a-a question that I should have in my head, it's more of...
Let yourself be open, and let yourself find...
the... the- the person that is into you as much as you're into them
I guess? I dunno- I- I'm like, disassociating now, I don't even know what I'm talking about.
Honestly, I think my point is that I'm generally more attracted to men's bodies- like, women are hot, yes,
but I'm generally more attracted to women's- t-to men's bodies,
but when I have a f- a f- emotional connection like no other with a woman,
and I... and I feel, um...
like I'm able to be emotional and vulnerable and stuff like that, then my attraction to them just increases so much more
And then my attraction to men is just like, oh yeah, I can't be emotional with you, this is just for sex, I'm not attracted to you anymore.
So i-it's like a different thing.
And I'm being so gendered right now, and now I wanna talk about people who are nonbinary
Because I- I know how gendered I'm being and I- I don't like that I'm being like this, this is why- th- the title of th- "Am I Gay?"- like, who cares??!
Literally, who cares?! Literally, my favorite quote that I have ever said in my entire life
and I'm saying this, and this will be the quote that I put on my tombstone- "What the fuck is gender?"
Cause nothing matters. Nothing matters to me.
Literally, it doesn't matter. And all of these things in my head that just keep going, and I'm like, why am I thinking of these things?
Society has just put all of these ideas in my head about who you're supposed to be attracted to, and
there are only two different types of bodies,
and then I just like- I have to stop everything, and be like, why am I having these thoughts?
Because I'm in this community that has amazing people, and people who are nonbinary
and people who are cis, and... people who are cis, sorry, people who are trans, and it's just...
it's a mix of everything. And to me, it doesn't matter if you are a cis woman, a trans woman, a trans guy, a cis guy,
or a nonbinary person, or a fuckin' squiggly line, it doesn't matter.
I think that, because I have realized these things about men and women,
and what I need in a person, and it's really more of an emotional connection and an emotional vulnerability,
that makes me attracted to the person no matter what body they have.
So that's the conclusion.
And I know that it sounded really gendered, and probably people got mad at me,
and they didn't watch the end of the video so I'm gonna get hate comments, but whatever.
[claps] yes. So, in the end, it doesn't matter...
to me, anymore. And I- I'm not- [sighs]
I know this video's all about me, I'm sorry, I just wanted to talk a little bit about embracing my sexuality
and I feel like I'm finally at a point in my life where, yeah, I'm queer, and like, it literally doesn't matter. I don't
prefer cis men or cis women or a specific type of body or trans men or trans wom- like, it literally. Doesn't matter.
What body you have.
It is more in the head [sighs] in what...
type of emotional person you are, and how I emotionally connect with you.
And I feel like that- duh! Like, hello, Chase, obviously! I feel like I've been saying this for years!
But, I'm not listening to myself, so this is more of a video I have- hey Chase, yeah, yeah you right there,
Yeah. It doesn't matter. Literally.
All that matters is how you connect with the person emotionally.
And that's what I figured out with myself. And I... it took a long time, I guess, to figure out, but...
it's a beautiful thing when you're actually able to embrace your sexuality.
Anyways, that's all I have to say. Let me know what you think- haters, can't wait for the comments!
Cause I know I'm gonna get some, cause I didn't really elaborate on nonbinary till the end of the video, but...
I love you guys so much.
Let me know h- what you think, have a great week, byeeee!
[Outro music]