- I have friends who are dating,
trying to date in New York and stuff.
And especially my female friends
will talk to me about their troubles
trying to date in a metropolitan city,
trying to date in the age of the apps and everything.
And I even had one friend,
she came to me with this list
and it was the list of everything
that she wanted in a guy, you know?
And I told her, honestly, 'cause I care about her,
"I need you to take that list
and throw it in the trash, all right?
Burn it if you have to,
if that will help you forget the memory."
(audience laughing)
I'll tell you right now, there's only three things,
there's only three attributes
that you could hope for in a guy
that you're gonna make a partner.
There's only three.
You need to pick two, okay?
(audience laughing)
You need to pick two of those three,
whichever two you can live with, and move on
'cause you're not gonna get all three.
I hate it for you, but it's not gonna happen.
(audience laughing)
I'll go over 'em right now.
There's good dick,
good person,
got his shit together.
You need to pick two of those three,
(audience clapping)
whichever two work for you, and move on.
And if he has one, leave.
Don't let a one ruin your life.
(audience laughing)
Just one?
Mm.
Honestly, I have friends
complain to me about their ones
and I'm falling asleep listening to the story
'cause it's just boring.
It's like, "Ah, well, you told me he had one to begin with,
so what are we really talking about?"
If he's just a good person,
doesn't have good dick,
doesn't have his shit together,
just a good person?
(audience laughing)
That's a friend.
Like, that's...
(audience clapping)
Y'all can hang out on the weekends, go to museums,
I don't know why you're trying force more, you know?
If he's just good dick?
Just good dick?
Not a good person,
doesn't have his shit together,
just good dick?
That's literally a dildo.
That's what a dildo is for.
Why are you stressed out?
Make a mold of his dick in his sleep and leave.
(audience laughing)
Nobody puts their vibrator back in the drawer
like, "He forgot my birthday."
Like, that's...
(audience laughing)
It's not gonna happen
if you treat it like what it's for.
'Cause you're not gonna get all three.
And I hate it for you.
I really do, sincerely.
And every time I have this conversation
with my friends, sometimes they get upset.
Not every time.
Sometimes they do get upset
and they're like, "No.
(audience laughing)
No, he has all three.
No.
No, he has all three.
I know it.
I feel it.
I feel it here and here and here.
No, he has all three."
If you really think he has all three,
he's gonna kill you, all right?
That is a murderer putting on a facade, okay?
I'm sure all 33 women
thought Ted Bundy had all three, you know?
Like, "No, Ted, it's just nice, you know?
It's just nice to meet a guy
that has his shit together, is a lawyer and everything,
and knows his way around the bedroom, knows how to listen.
Why are you looking at me like that?" (gags)
Like, that's how it went every time.
(audience laughing)
You wanna know what bothers me?
What really upsets me?
What even scares me a little bit?
I don't know which two I am.
(audience laughing)
'Cause I don't get to decide, you know?
That's another person's decision about me.
I'm scared I'm gonna be
laying back with my girl years from now, right?
Years from now, just laying back.
We're talking about this and I lean over to her
and I'm like, "I'm good dick and a good person, right?"
(audience laughing)
And she's like, "You have a great job, all right?"
(audience laughing)
(audience clapping)