Hi, I'm Vanessa from SpeakEnglishWithVanessa.com.
Be careful what you say, let's talk about it.
When you have conversations with people from other cultures, it's really important to be
respectful of that person's culture.
Of course, when we're talking with people from our own culture, we should be respectful
too, but it's a little bit more complicated when we're talking with people from different
backgrounds because maybe you don't know which topics are acceptable to talk about or which
topics are taboo.
Taboo means that if you talk about that topic in the wrong context, people will feel really
uncomfortable.
It's inappropriate, it's just not polite.
Today I'd like to help you learn 10 questions that you absolutely should not ask in American
culture.
These topics might be okay if you're talking with someone who you're really, really close
to, but that's not really the situation that we're talking about here.
For this lesson, we're going to imagine three situations.
Number one, you run across someone that you know at the grocery store, don't ask these
questions, or you are talking with a coworker in the office, don't ask these questions,
or maybe you're going out for coffee with a new friend or a coworker or someone you
don't know that well, don't ask these questions.
Let's go to our first topic and question, topic number one is politics.
The main questions that you should not ask are, "Who are you voting for?"
Or, "Who did you vote for?"
This just depends when the election was, if it was in the past or if it's going to be
in the future.
Even though this year is a presidential election year in the US and if you turn on the news
you'll see so much information about this, we don't really talk about our personal voting
choices, unless it's with really, really, really close friends.
On the other hand, Americans love bumper stickers and yard signs.
So you might see on the back of someone's car, Biden, or on the back of someone's car,
Trump, or a sign in someone's yard that says something similar about who they're voting
for.
But even if someone has a bumper sticker or a sign in their yard, they probably don't
want to debate you about who you should vote for or who they're voting for.
Usually, this is still considered an inappropriate topic to ask about.
Topic number two, family.
Are you married?
Why not?
Do you have kids?
Why not?
Are you pregnant?
These topics are considered personal, especially if it's somebody who you've just met.
I know that these types of family questions are considered no problem in other cultures,
but in the US these are personal and sensitive.
Imagine this situation, someone really wants to have kids and they've been trying to have
kids and they can't, or they had a miscarriage, which means that they were pregnant and then
the baby died.
This is a really sensitive situation and if you casually ask them, "Oh, why don't you
have kids?" or, "When are you going to have kids?" this really touches something inside
of them that's hard to talk about.
Unless you are a really, really close friend, I recommend not asking, "Are you married?
Why not?
Do you have kids?
Why not?"
Just as a little notice, especially as someone who recently had a baby a couple months ago,
never, never, never ask a woman if she is pregnant.
Do you know what this means?
This means your tummy is visibly big.
Well, they could be pregnant, but what if they're not?
What if they're just a little bit overweight or what if they just had a baby and they still
have a little tummy?
Well, this could be a really uncomfortable situation.
I saw a funny quote once that said, "Never ask a woman if she's pregnant.
Even if she is actively in labor, don't ask her until you see the baby."
Maybe this is a little bit of an exaggeration, but if you ask someone are you pregnant, you'd
better be 100% sure that they are pregnant.
It's a little bit safer to let them bring up this topic anyway.
Maybe if you're having a conversation and you see that they're probably pregnant, wait
until they say, "Oh yeah, I've been feeling really tired lately," or, "I'm feeling the
baby's kicks," okay, now it's a safe topic.
Our next taboo topic is sexuality.
If a man mentions something about his boyfriend or a woman mentions something about her girlfriend,
do not ask, "Oh, are you gay?"
This is the 21st century, it is not shocking, or it should not be shocking, when someone
is gay.
Just a little quick note.
If a man or woman says my partner talking about the person who they live with, this
doesn't always mean that it's a same-sex partner.
It might mean this, but it could just mean that they are in a committed long-term relationship.
Sometimes if you are living with someone and you are committed to them, you don't want
to call them just your boyfriend or your girlfriend.
In this way, it's a little bit casual, it's not so serious.
If you are in a same-sex relationship, or if you are not and you just aren't married,
well, you could call them my partner.
If you happen to be talking with someone and they say, "Oh yeah, I need to call my partner
and ask them about this," it doesn't mean necessarily that it's a same-sex partner.
It might mean that it might not.
But in any situation, it's not polite to say, "Oh, are you gay?"
Just take it in stride.
Our next taboo topic is religion.
I don't recommend asking, "Do you go to church?" or saying, "Don't do this, it's a sin."
Even though the US has a reputation for being potentially more religious than some other
countries, it's still not considered acceptable to ask someone what their religion is.
Now, Americans will sometimes mention, "Oh, after I went to church, we went to the park,"
something about going to church.
It's acceptable to mention it yourself, but not really to ask someone else about it.
Where I live in the south of the US, it's generally more a religious place, but that's
because the majority of people are Protestant Christians, so they expect that everyone else
has the same religion, which is not quite a realistic but that's the mindset.
When my family first moved to the south of the US, the maintenance man who was installing
our refrigerator asked my mom, "Have you found a church yet?"
We were shocked, because in the north of the US this is not common to talk about.
It's not expected that you would go to church, and it's especially not expected that you
would ask someone about this.
So even if you're in the south of the US and someone asks you, I don't recommend you asking
yourself, because it's a little bit less acceptable.
Our next taboo topic is race.
I don't recommend asking, "Where are you really from?"
especially when someone is obviously from the US.
The US is such a diverse place, people come from all sorts of backgrounds, all sorts of
types of heritage, even if it was their great-great grandparents who moved to the US, a lot of
people have different, looks, different backgrounds, different cultures, but they're still all
American.
This question often gets asked to my Asian-American friends.
For example, I have a friend who, when I first met her, I thought, oh, she looks Korean,
but she didn't have any type of accent.
She seemed completely like someone from the US, so I didn't really ask her, "Are you Korean?"
That would have been a little bit rude and presumptive.
Instead, I just didn't say anything.
I didn't even ask her, "What's your heritage?"
This is a slightly more polite question, but only when you're talking about your family's
background already.
Instead of asking her this, I just thought it doesn't matter, why would I need to ask
this?
One day when I was at her house, I saw a little picture or painting on the wall with some
Korean writing and I said, "Oh, cool.
I used to live in Korea.
Have you been there?
I saw that picture in your kitchen with some Korean writing."
She said, "Oh, my mom was adopted from Korea."
This type of situation is extremely common in the US.
My friend has pretty much no cultural connection to Korea.
Her mom has almost no cultural connection to Korea, too, except that she lived there
when she was very, very young before she was adopted.
If I had asked my friend, "Hey, where are you really from?
Are you from Korea?" she probably would have felt like, "I don't belong here.
This isn't my home," but really it is.
She is American just like anybody else.
This question can make people feel pretty uncomfortable.
I personally recommend waiting until they mention something, or just don't worry about
it.
Don't ask about it, and if they mentioned something, cool, if they don't, go with the
flow.
Our next taboo topic is money.
I don't recommend asking, "How much money do you make?" or how much was some kind of
expensive item, maybe like a car.
Sometimes people will add this expression, "If you don't mind me asking," before asking
about money.
I did this a couple of weeks ago when my neighbor hired a babysitter and I was curious how much
she charged or how much the babysitter charged to watch her kids.
I didn't really want to directly ask her, "Hey, how much money did you give the babysitter?"
so I asked, "If you don't mind me asking, can I ask how much she charged?"
This is very indirect.
I'm asking her about the purchase of potentially an expensive thing, some babysitting services,
but I'm asking her in an indirect way.
When I hired that babysitter, I could say, "Well, how much do you charge?"
This is very direct.
It's fine, this is a business transaction.
But when it's someone else who's making that purchase, it's better to use this expression,
or just not ask at all.
We never really ask how much money do you make talking directly about personal income.
Yeah, it's not really a popular topic or a comfortable topic.
Our final taboo topic is appearance.
I don't recommend asking, "Are you feeling tired today?
Oh, you look tired.
Are you feeling okay?
Did you lose weight?
Did you gain weight?"
Not acceptable.
If you're really concerned about someone, maybe one of your coworkers is looking a lot
more tired than usual or maybe you realize that they really lost a lot of weight and
you're seriously concerned about them, we don't talk about this in just casual passing
conversation.
Instead, pull them aside or talk with them privately.
With a lot of care in your heart, you can ask them, "Hey, I'm a little worried about
you.
You look a lot more tired than usual the last couple of days.
What's going on.
Are you okay?"
Did you notice the tone of my voice is very serious.
This is not casual conversation, you're not just asking because you care, instead, you
are very serious and you are telling them personally.
Make sure that if you ask these questions, it is in the correct context with someone
who you really care about, not just in passing.
A little special note.
Talking about appearance, especially for men directing comments towards women, I don't
recommend saying something so direct as, "Wow, you look really beautiful."
This is usually considered flirting.
If you are flirting with them and you went to ask them out on a date, okay, go ahead,
but if you're just in the office and you notice, "Oh, wow.
You look great today," be careful being so enthusiastic about it, "Wow, you look so beautiful
today."
Instead, it's considered more polite to compliment maybe their haircut or their clothes.
"Oh, did you get a new haircut?
It looks great."
Wonderful.
Or, "Oh, that's a nice shirt.
I love those colors."
This is more indirect.
If you want to compliment someone's appearance, especially for a man directed towards a woman,
and you don't want them to feel uncomfortable because you're just coworkers or you're just
friends and you're not trying to be romantic towards them, well, you can compliment them
indirectly, their hair, their clothes, something like this.
Actually, that was not the last topic.
I got a little distracted because I heard my baby crying, so he's going to join me for
this last taboo topic.
We're going to end on a light note, death.
I do not recommend asking, "Do you think he's going to die soon?" or, "I think he's going
to die soon."
This is too direct, too rude.
Yes, death is an essential part of being alive, being a human being, a being, but we do not
say it in such direct terms.
Instead, if you want to talk about death, you can use a more indirect expression to
pass away.
You might say, "Sorry I was gone from work last week.
My grandmother passed away and I had to travel to California for the funeral."
In this situation, you're saying pass away, much more polite to say.
If someone says this to you, how can you react to show that you care?
You can simply say, "Oh, I'm so sorry," or, "I'm sorry for your loss."
You don't need to go on and on, those two common polite expressions are really enough.
You say it from your heart and you mean it.
Now you might be wondering if I can't talk about all these taboo topics, what can I talk
about?
Well, really the possibilities are endless.
You could talk about your weekend plans, you could talk about that time you broke your
arm when you fell out of a tree as a kid, you could talk about how you wish you could
go to New York on a vacation, you could talk about how octopuses are pretty much the smartest
animal in the world.
The possibilities are endless.
If you'd like to know how to start a conversation with anyone, I made a video about this that
you can check out up here.
This is especially useful for starting conversations in the US, but really you can use these for
starting conversations maybe even in your own native language as well.
And now I have a question for you.
I'm curious, what are some taboo topics in your country?
Let me know in the comments, let us know what your country is and what are some taboo topics.
This could help other people as well if they travel to your country or if they meet people
who are from your country.
Thanks so much for learning English with me and with my baby.
I'll see you again next Friday for a new lesson here on my YouTube channel.
Bye.
Do you want to say goodbye?
Oh, you got my hair.
Say bye.
The next step is to download my free ebook, Five Steps to Becoming a Confident English
Speaker.
You'll learn what you need to do to speak confidently and fluently.
Don't forget to subscribe to my YouTube channel for more free lessons.
Thanks so much, bye.