-Thank you, I appreciate that.
This is exciting. You guys are nice.
I did a show recently, there was a guy in the front row --
I thought he looked like me.
I was like, "Hey, man. you look like me."
And then he went, "Oof."
[ Laughter ]
I was like, "Well, I didn't mean to hurt our feelings."
[ Laughter ]
It was a bummer, but I did realize that's probably
the best way to get a sense of what you look like --
tell somebody else they look like you
and then see how they immediately respond.
[ Laughter ]
You walk up to a stranger, "You look like me!"
They're like, "Screw you!" I'm like, "Damn it, I knew it."
[ Laughter ]
I'm very self-conscious about my looks.
I got body-shamed when I was younger.
That's a new term -- body-shaming.
When I was young, we called it telling a person
what they looked like to their face.
That was --
[ Laughter ]
I got -- Thank you.
[ Applause ]
Yeah, give it up for the '90s!
[ Laughter ]
It was great. I got made fun of
for having a big forehead. This girl came up to me,
she said, "You have a five-head."
[ Laughter ]
At the time, I'd never heard that term.
I was like, "What's a five-head?"
And she was like, "Like a forehead, but bigger --
a five-head."
It sucks when you get made fun of and then the person explains
how they made fun of you, and it's pretty good.
You're like, "That's not bad, actually.
That's clever."
It also sucks -- If you get made fun of
for being fat that's horrible, but at least you can be like,
"You know what, I'm gonna diet and exercise,
and I'll show you."
But if you're getting made fun of for having a big forehead,
there's no really no action for you to take.
[ Laughter ]
You can't be like, "I'll have the Caesar salad.
I'm watching my forehead right now."
[ Laughter ]
I was pretty smart -- I just tried to keep my eyebrows raised
all of the time.
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
I just looked surprised all through middle school.
I'm like, "That's unbelievable!"
[ Laughter ]
I'm very body-conscious now. I go to the gym a lot.
It's hard to tell -- I'm wearing long sleeves.
But I am pretty ripped under here.
[ Laughter ]
My gym's all body-builders. I don't like the term,
"body-builder." I feel like it's too exclusive.
Technically, we're all body-builders, just some of us
are building crappier bodies than other people.
[ Laughter ]
I like to lift weights.
My favorite part of lifting weights
is that break in-between sets where you kind of
check your phone and go home for a couple of weeks.
That's my --
[ Applause ]
Thank you.
[ Cheers and applause ]
I'm taking a breather right now, but I was at the gym
the other day -- I saw a guy lifting weights
in a way I've never seen before. Have you ever seen this?
He had a thing wrapped around his head,
and then there was a cord attached to weights
and he was lifting the weights.
[ Laughter ]
And he was screaming. He was like, "Aah! Aah!"
I was like, I think we have different fitness goals.
[ Laughter ]
I was on the elliptical and I'm like, "That guy's a danger
to society. What?"
[ Laughter ]
I think if you get to the neck portion of your workout,
you can go ahead and clock out and head home and hug your dad
for the first time.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Thank you.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Also, he was yelling. I don't really care for the guys
that yell at the gym. You see them like, "Beh! Wah!"
I'm like, I feel like you need fiber more than
you need a workout.
[ Laughter ]
You don't need to yell at the gym.
They're always over by the freeway.
That's where you see the yellers -- by the freeway.
You never really see a guy on the exercise bike
reading "People" magazine like, "Aah! Aah!"
[ Laughter ]
I don't yell. The loudest noise I've ever made
at the gym is, "hoo," you know?
[ Laughter ]
One time I yelled, but it was for help so I feel like
it was a little more understandable.
[ Laughter ]
It's a true story -- I dropped some weight on my chest.
I didn't see the one in front of the 30, so I kind of
dropped the weight.
[ Laughter ]
Luckily, the neck guy, he was nearby.
He came over, he scooped it right off.
He just shot it off. I was like, "Oh, thank you."
[ Cheers and applause ]
I work out of hotels a lot. I stay in a lot of hotels.
I was a hotel recently, I had an awkward moment.
There was a hot tub and I was sitting in the hot tub,
and I wasn't wearing my glasses 'cause I'd just been swimming.
You can't swim with glasses on. You'll look like a psychopath.
So... [ Laughter ]
I was sitting in the hot tub, no glasses,
and then these two beautiful women, they came and got into
the hot tub with me and without thinking,
I got out of the hot tub, put my glasses on,
and then came back into the hot tub.
[ Laughter ]
That's really one of the creepiest things you can do
within the law, because there's no reason
to go get your glasses that moment, other than to look at
these women, obviously.
I tried to pretend I was reading the rules.
I was like, "I wanna see if we can horseplay.
I thought it might be fun if we all horseplayed."
[ Laughter ]
And then, my glasses started to fog up, which is even creepier
when you're like -- [ imitates glass squeaking ]
[ Laughs nervously ]
You guys are great. Thank you very much.
My name's Joe List.
[ Band plays ] [ Cheers and applause ]
-That's what I'm talking about there!
That's how to do it, pal! Look, a standing ovation!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Joe List, everybody!
You can follow Joe on Twitter @JoeListComedy.