HONEST TRAILER : DARK KNIGHT RISES
NARRATOR From director Christopher Nolan,
NARRATOR (CONT’D) Comes the obligatory finale to his Dark Knight
Trilogy…
NARRATOR (CONT’D) That clearly peaked with the Joker.
NARRATOR (CONT’D) The Dark Knight Rises…
NARRATOR (CONT’D) The epic final chapter that will mildly entertain
you when you’re watching it…
NARRATOR (CONT’D) But will ultimately anger and disappoint you
when you really start to think about it.
NARRATOR (CONT’D) Revisit the iconic Bruce Wayne…
NARRATOR (CONT’D) A man who turned the pain of his parents death
into a Superhero.
NARRATOR (CONT’D) But for some reason, mopes around for eight
years after his sort-of-girlfriend dies
NARRATOR (CONT’D) Suit up, as he spends the first 45 minutes…
NARRATOR (CONT’D) Hobbling around on canes…
NARRATOR (CONT’D) Getting knocked over easily…
NARRATOR (CONT’D) Growing a gross depression beard…
NARRATOR (CONT’D) And be told that his body is in complete shambles…
NARRATOR (CONT’D) Even though in the entire trilogy…
NARRATOR (CONT’D) He has only clocked in maybe a year and a
half as the Batman.
NARRATOR (CONT’D) But chaos will arrive in the form of BANE…
NARRATOR (CONT’D) A villain who no one can fully understand.
BANE “?Days has casty ya strength?”
BANE (CONT’D) “Where I learn the truth about despair”
BANE (CONT’D) “The bat never ‘scaped”
BANE (CONT’D) “I bon your schedule captain.”
NARRATOR Prompting mope-man
NARRATOR (CONT’D) To un-retire and plop on a magic knee brace
that will instantly cure him.
NARRATOR (CONT’D) So he can take Bane head-on for a few minutes…
NARRATOR (CONT’D) Until he’s crippled again…
NARRATOR (CONT’D) For a huge chunk of the movie
NARRATOR (CONT’D) Leaving this mumbling warlord…
NARRATOR (CONT’D) To fulfill his overly-complicated plot…
NARRATOR (CONT’D) Of terrorizing Gotham for 3 pointless months…
NARRATOR (CONT’D) Which prompts only one riot and no gridlock…
NARRATOR (CONT’D) Seriously, where is everybody?
NARRATOR (CONT’D) Get ready for a nearly 3 hour Batman movie.
NARRATOR (CONT’D) Where Batman only shows up for about 33 minutes…
NARRATOR (CONT’D) And when he does show up, He’s so terrible
he…
NARRATOR (CONT’D) Reveals his secret identity to complete strangers.
JOSEPH “When you started, why the mask?”
BRUCE “Protect the people closest to me.”
NARRATOR Never conducts background checks on his maids…
NARRATOR (CONT’D) Or his board members…
NARRATOR (CONT’D) Uses ineffective gadgets…
NARRATOR (CONT’D) Stands atop random buildings that are way
too dangerous to balance on…
NARRATOR (CONT’D) And wastes several hours painting a bridge
in gasoline.
NARRATOR (CONT’D) A story so large in scale that it was partly
shot in IMAX…
NARRATOR (CONT’D) Which becomes super-distracting…
NARRATOR (CONT’D) When it’s constantly changing aspect ratios.
NARRATOR (CONT’D) And a film so poorly paced…
NARRATOR (CONT’D) It moves slow for 2 hours…
NARRATOR (CONT’D) Then it randomly zooms through 3 months of
time without telling the audience …
NARRATOR (CONT’D) Forcing this completely rushed ending that
will leave you asking questions like…
RED LETTER MEDIA Why are the criminals constantly hitting Batman
with their guns instead of shooting him?
RED LETTER MEDIA (CONT’D) Why would the CIA let masked men on to their
plane without checking who they were first.
RED LETTER MEDIA (CONT’D) How did Bane know about the existence and
exact location of Batmans secret armory?
Especially after Luscious said it was off the books.
NARRATOR And why has no one stumbled upon his huge-ass
airplane?
RED LETTER MEDIA How did Bane and his henchmen hide motorcycles
inside the stock exchange?
RED LETTER MEDIA (CONT’D) How is it possible that Bruce Wayne completely
healed his broken back in less than 3 months?
Didn’t he need a…doctor?
NARRATOR How did Batman get from the hole in the middle
of nowhere into the quarantined Gotham money or equipment?
RED LETTER MEDIA Why would they send the entire Gotham City
Police Force into the sewers all at the exact same time?
RED LETTER MEDIA (CONT’D) If Tamalore knew he was Batman, why did she
let him wander off with Luscious?
RED LETTER MEDIA (CONT’D) Why didn’t she just kill him when she had
the chance?
RED LETTER MEDIA (CONT’D) In fact, why didn’t she just detonate the
bomb right then?
NARRATOR And why does Batman talk to Catwoman in his
Batman voice when she knows he’s Bruce Wayne?
RED LETTER MEDIA How come everybody in Gotham could figure
out that Bruce Wayne was Batman.
except for Commissioner Gordon?
RED LETTER MEDIA (CONT’D) Even the character with down syndrome, played
by Joseph Gordon Levitt, figured it out.
RED LETTER MEDIA (CONT’D) Why did Bruce Wayne show up in a French Café
after being pronounced dead?
RED LETTER MEDIA (CONT’D) Think that would have attracted the attention
of the media.
NARRATOR How did Batman eject and swim nine miles to
survive if he only had 5 seconds on the bomb?
RED LETTER MEDIA Didn’t anyone in Gotham think it was weird
that Batman and Bruce Wayne both died on the exact same day?
RED LETTER MEDIA (CONT’D) Bruce Wayne was Batman!?
NARRATOR (CONT’D) Ugh, I’m pretty weird about Man of Steel
now.
NARRATOR (CONT’D) Thanks to Red Letter Media, be sure to check
them out.
NARRATOR (CONT’D) Also check out our latest Screen Junkies Episode
where we play actual fantasy football with Paul Scheer.