- "I make the frosting from scratch."
Then she'd shoot that face at 'em.
"I'm practically insane."
[dark electronic music]
♪
[people screaming]
♪
- Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen.
I hope you're all having a wonderful day.
This is what's known as a robbery.
Do not move. Do not speak.
♪
[laughs]
♪
[cheers and applause]
Guy's absolutely hilarious. I watched him as a kid.
He fucking made me laugh my ass off.
When my dad came in the room, I had to change the channel,
because he was like, "What are you laughing about?"
I'm like, you'll never understand, old man.
You'll never understand.
Ladies and gentlemen, you might know him from "Baskets."
Please give it up for Mr. Louie Anderson, everybody.
♪
- I'm from a family of 11, and--
I know. That's what people always say.
"Wow." Women always: "Wow."
And I'm not the first
celebrity in our house.
My brother, the safe-cracker...
He was the first celebrity,
'cause he was a really, you know,
pretty good safe-cracker.
So, anyways, when you're doing that,
when you have that kind of family member,
they become these kind of
celebrities in their own right, you know?
Like, my brother brought me a brand-new bike.
And I'd never had a bike.
And he'd come, and he'd give my parents money.
We were super poor.
We were so poor that I gave my mom
a coupon book for her birthday.
I'll wash the dishes.
I'll do the laundry.
I'll kill dad for you.
Louie, you wouldn't really kill your father, would you?
I would for you, Ma.
There's no expiration date on the coupon.
And one day, I came home from school.
I thought it was all over with. My dad goes,
"There he is!
"Hit man Louie.
"You're gonna kill me, huh, Louie?
Here I am!"
I remember. I remember.
I was ten years old, something like that,
and the FBI came to our house.
And that's a weird thing right there.
You know, 'cause, the FBI...
You just don't think they're gonna show up.
You just...
You just don't...
You never think-- if somebody said,
"Tell me who you think's gonna show up."
It's way down on the list. It's way...
After ATF. It's...
So...
So, I was home.
Ten. You know.
That's how I talked when I was ten.
What? What?
Shut up.
And you know, when you're 10 in a family of 11,
you have--you're told to shut up all the time.
What are you guys doing? "Shut up!"
They do that fake move toward you.
Oh!
You have to learn not to flinch.
You have to go...
'Cause, I don't know why this is,
but when you flinch, they get to punch you.
You realize they make up these rules, that's the...
That's why I can't move this arm up any higher.
It's true.
So, the FBI comes to our house.
[tapping]
And I go downstairs, 'cause I'm the door-answerer.
My dad--"Oh, God!
I got to put some pants on!"
He never had anything but boxers.
And a T-shirt.
He was ready for...summer?
They come, I go up there.
What?
"Son?"
I'm not your son.
"We'd like to talk to your parents."
What about?
"Son..."
I'm not your son.
"Could you get your father?"
Dad!
There's Mormons here!
They come-- and then they go--
they say to him, "Sir?"
"Yeah?"
My dad: "Yeah?"
"We're the FBI."
"Is that so?
"FBI.
"Huh.
You got my letters, huh?"
[chuckles]
'Cause he used to write letters
to the government all the time,
but my mom would usually
intercept them, or we would.
Here, Mom. Read this. Read...
"We'd like to come in."
"I'm sure you would.
I'm a Veteran, you know?"
"Well, thank you for your service."
"Yeah.
What do you want?"
"We're here with a search warrant.
We...we're looking for your son."
"Well, he's not here."
Yeah. He's not here.
Why don't you leave him alone?
That was my whole stance for the whole thing.
Why don't you leave him alone?
He didn't do it.
And then my mom comes out of the kitchen,
the sweetest person in the world.
You'd love her.
"What's going on here? Who's here?"
Then my dad goes, "It's G-men."
That's who my dad was. "It's the G-men."
I'll never forget that.
"G-men!"
And she goes, "What?"
"It's the FBI. They want to--
they're looking for your son."
It's her son now.
"Well, I haven't seen him.
"But come on in, boys.
Would you like a nice cup of coffee?"
My dad grumbles. "Oh...[mumbling].
Why don't you ask 'em to stay over?"
"Well, maybe I will."
So my mom brings 'em in.
"Do you like Folgers?
It's good to the last drop."
So they come in.
My mom's very smart.
"Now this must be a terrible job, huh?
'Cause nobody's ever happy to see you, are they?"
"Well, not really, ma'am."
"Well, it must be terrible.
"Would you like a nice piece of chocolate cake?
"It's Duncan Hines.
I make the frosting from scratch."
And she'd shoot that face at 'em.
"I'm practically insane.
"That's my husband.
That's why."
So she cuts 'em the cake,
and it was the best cake-- seriously.
She goes, "Can you guess what's in the ingredients
to the frosting?"
Oh, God.
We're playing the Feud.
She--they go, "Well, chocolate?"
"Oh, that's right."
"Sugar?" "Mm-hmm."
"And that's it, isn't it?"
"No.
"You know what I put in there?
"A tiny splash of Folgers.
"Tell your wives about it.
They'll love it."
So they're there. My brother's there.
My other brother's there.
My dad's in there.
[groaning]
He was a noisy dad.
[groaning]
[imitates loud sneeze]
"Well, we better get looking.
We'd like to execute the warrant right now."
They're gonna kill him!
"No, son."
I'm not your son.
And--and then, so, they start looking.
Now, this is the thing about our house.
Like, my mom was a pack rat.
You know, a bad one.
Not a hoarder, though, 'cause we had aisles.
"I'm coming down seven!"
Anyway, so they go to the basement first.
And my mom is the best.
She goes, "When you're down there,
"if you find a saucer that'll match this cup,
will you bring it up?"
I love you, Ma.
She was a lovely crazy.
So they're down there.
They're sweating when they come up.
You know, like I am right now.
And they come up and, honestly, they're just like,
"Oh, God."
"Well, there's four more bedrooms to look through."
And they go, "Okay."
So there--we start going,
and I'm be-- I'm right behind the FBI.
What do you get paid for this?
You make a lot of money?
Uh...
You ever shoot anyone?
"I can't discuss that."
You did, then.
I'm not stupid.
You guys should take my dad.
He steals napkins.
That's what he used to do.
He'd come out of a restaurant,
and he'd go, "Ha, ha!"
Now, my brother's there.
He's upstairs.
We hid him.
In the hall closet.
Under about a thousand pounds of clothes.
Anyway, so they get through,
they get to the closet.
The big closet.
There's a big, giant closet in the hall.
They open the doors.
He's not here!
You know, I'm ten.
I'm nervous now.
He's not here!
I'm telegraphing the whole thing.
My brother is going...
[quietly] "Shut up, shut up."
They start poking around in there.
He didn't do it. I was with him.
We were fishing.
"At night?"
We were night fishing.
So they're going through the closet.
And you know, the clothes were up to there.
And you know when you dig through clothes,
there's something creepy about it, don't you think?
When they're not your clothes,
there's something where you go...
[cringing]
You know, and they're moving it around.
The guys look at each other and go...
[gagging].
"Let's go down and have another piece of that cake."
And they go downstairs and have cake and coffee.
And my mom's talking to 'em.
"Well, boys, how's your mother doing?"
She says to them.
"Oh, she's good."
"Tell her I said hi."
And they have another piece of cake.
And my dad whispers to my other brother...
[whispering]
That's all I could hear.
[whispering faintly]
[coughs loudly]
And then my brother gets in our Buick
and screeches out of there.
And of course, just reflex,
the FBI jump up, run out,
and get in their car and go after him.
And then my brother throws the clothes off
and comes down the stairs and goes out the back door,
and escapes.
And my mom goes,
"That cake is good, isn't it?"
[cheers and applause]
Thank you.
And that's my family.
And my brother, the great thing is,
that my brother turned his life around
and he started, you know,
teaching the police.
He started telling them, basically...
how dumb they were.
That's what he explained to me.
But I love my brother, I miss him,
and I dedicate this show to him.
Love you.
Thank you.
♪