Welcome to every late-night (jazz music plays) talk show ever.
I'm your omnipotent deep-voiced announcer providing program foreshadowing while jazz music plays for some reason.
On tonight's show, we have an actress promoting an upcoming blockbuster that will fail in the US, but make up its money overseas.
And an animal handler that likes animals a little too much, and music from whatever the hell kids are listening to these days.
And here's your charismatic white male host, unless you're watching this on an obscure cable channel or Netflix.
But it's still probably a white guy. Jimmy Whiteguy!
(applause)
And cut the applause light.
Thank you 55 year olds for still tuning into my show.
And thank you audience for wasting your trip to California just to sit here for hours
And watch me tell jokes that are written for me, and maybe catch a glimpse of a famous person it's kind of sad, ha ha
Oh actually speaking of sad, uh, did you guys hear that thing that happened today? It was all over the news
It was most likely political and I was like um
Excuse me Mr. President
Anyway, we got a big show for you guys today. Which is what I say every time
But let's give it up for a racially diverse band
(band plays)
HEY!
(applause)
Alright, real quick, I want to talk to you guys about something that's a little personal to me, so as to sound relatable to my audience. Does that sound okay guys?
(applause)
Alright, so earlier today something cute happened, and then something sad
(gasp)
And then I was like, 'oh yeah?'
(laughter)
And then, funny anecdote to end the story.
(applause)
Isn't that right, useless sidekick?
mmhmm!
Alright, great.
Well now, we're going to go to a pre-taped segment because this show's an hour long
and I can only stand to listen to my celebrity guests for five minutes at a time.
Let's roll the clip. Hey Jimmy, I'm out here on the street, and I'm gonna accost a bunch of random people in public,
and ask them a whole bunch of simple questions that they'll inevitably get wrong due to the stressful situation
And then, we're gonna edit out every single person who got it right to make them all look like f**king idiots
Time for our favorite game. You're Dumb!
(air horn)
Come on! Hey there. I'm here with Sarah from California Sarah, where is Topeka?
Uh, Nebraska?
Oh, thank you Sarah for making me and everyone at home, feel intellectually superior. Back to you, Jimmy.
(applause and laugh)
What an original segment. Alright our first guest is a blockbuster movie actress!
(diffrent jazz music plays)
Oh my god, we totally just made that dance up.
We didn't rehearse that at all!
No
(laugh)
Jerry, f**king move.
(jazz music ends)
Alright, yeah, take a seat, I cannot wait to pretend to enjoy this conversation.
Thank you so much for having me.
Okay, so let me tell you a funny story that your producers and my PR team agreed on. Oh, let's hear it
So, I got an allergy test.
(laugh)
Good one, Jimmy.
So up next, is our musical guest.
They're here performing their new hit song,
'Verse Chorus Verse Chorus Bridge Chorus Fade-out,' from their hit new album.
Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you,
'It doesn't matter who it is anyway because you're gonna change the channel right now!'
(applause)
(slow music plays)
(fast music plays)
The problem with this big, gritty city isn't all the weekly sex murders.
It's that there isn't any
(pause)
law and order.
(rock/scream music plays)
(rock theme music plays)
Wow, great song.
Aright, that's the end of our show apologies that the animal handler, we simply ran out of time
We'll see you tomorrow with pretty much the same exact show. Good night!
(Ian throwing random objects at the camera.)
(laugh and... jazz music plays)
( jazz music plays)
Shut up!
Thanks for watching!
Click the box on the left to watch, 'Every Amazon Ever',
and to watch, 'Every Target Ever', click the Box on the right
Dude, could you please subdue an invoice.
With musical guest Arcade Fire?
(singing)
(music)