This is Sami from Ministry of Attraction, and today I want to give you the three rules
that are going to help you overcome your approach anxiety.
Now before we get into this, let's break down what approach
anxiety actually is.
Approach anxiety is basically when you're a person who's going to talk to
someone, okay, it doesn't actually have to be a girl,
you can get approach anxiety from anything.
Approach anxiety is basically when you are about to speak to
a person, usually in our case it's a girl, and
you freeze up.
You don't know why but you tense up, calculate, you over-think what's going to
happen in your head, and then you end up not approaching
the person.
You think about it too much and you say, you know what, maybe she has a boyfriend.
Maybe she's going to reject me and you know, then you
might even do what I like to call your own excuses which
are: she's not my type, I actually don't like her
and you know what, I'm actually busy today.
I don't have time to talk to this girl.
Now those are your own excuses and then you might find her excuses
which are: she's got a boyfriend, she doesn't like
me, a bunch of different things, so she's with her
friends, I don't want to disturb her, but one of the
best excuses I've ever heard is, I don't want to
actually disturb her.
We do know she seems busy right now, let's think about what actually
is the real reason: the real reason is because you
don't want to get rejected.
Okay, a lot of people see rejection as a big thing where if you get
rejected it's going to be the end of the world, I'm
never going to have a good approach, and people
use the reference experience as something that they're
going to calculate for the rest of their lives.
So for example, if you hurt yourself once playing
basketball, you're never going to play basketball again.
That's the same thing as if you approach someone and she rejects you, and you're like
oh you know what I'm done with girls.
I'm never approaching a girl again.
No, you're going to get up and you're going to try again and you're going to keep
trying and hopefully you're going to get to the results
that you want to get.
Now why is it that we call approach anxiety an illogical fear?
Like all anxieties, being scared of something that
you're not actually sure of, you don't know for certain
what's going to happen.
A lot of people will have approach anxiety because they're thinking in their
minds this and this and this is going to happen and in
actual fact, if they actually put it into practice,
a lot of times the girls may be responsive and like
oh hey, it's just great to meet you.
You know, she might not be as bitchy as you may fear her
to be.
So to give you the three rules to break down
your approach anxiety and hopefully cure it for
good the first is to always, always, always approach
the first person you see at the beginning of your
day.
Okay, so if the beginning of your day is like, you
wake up at seven in the morning and you're going to
go get a train to work, speak to the train attendant, speak to the person behind the
coffee stand.
Have a little conversation anywhere, whether it's a cab driver, or it's a homeless man,
whether it's the hottest girl you've seen in your
life, whether it's just another person you need
to start a conversation with, someone who is not in your
comfort circle.
Your comfort circle is anyone you are acquainted with, or know, or are friends
or family with.
You cannot cheat and say, oh you know what, I'm just going to talk to my friend
John.
My friend John will be my person today.
No, your approaching has to be to any random person.
The first person actually that you see per day,
no matter who it is.
Just go up to them and spark a random conversation.
It doesn't have to be about a girl being attractive, it can be just going
up and being a normal human being.
Another reason why this is, is because after having slept an entire
night without having had any conversation, you're
basically kind of like frozen in your mouth, okay.
It's basically like your mouth will not...
You're still in that zone where you're like, okay,
you know what I haven't had any conversation.
Have you ever had a conversation where someone calls you
and you've just woken up, where they've woken
you up and you're like...
I'll call you in a minute when I wake up, and then 5 to 10 minutes later you're
pretty much like: sorry I was asleep and couldn't
actually speak, now I'm awake, what's up, what's going
on?
So the first person of the day, you want to speak
to them and use them as your warm-up.
It sounds selfish but use the first person of your day as your
warm-up and then eventually you're going to be fine
after the first conversation to start on the rest
of your day now.
The second rule to become good at approaching is always make sure that the first
set, the first approach of the day doesn't go well,
no matter what you have to do, make sure that
it doesn't go well.
Now why would I tell you for your first conversation to go badly, why would
I want you to suck first and go through an uncomfortable
expense of having a bad first experience of the day?
Another reason is because if you have a preconception of, all conversations must be
good, all sets must be good, you're going to try
and make everything work out for your best so that
you have to exit in a way where your hands are clean.
That's why a lot of guys who go up to girls and approach
them, a lot of times the boyfriend will come up, and
then they'll spend a half an hour just trying to
prove to the boyfriend that they're not trying to
pick up, like oh yeah, man, no I wasn't approaching your girl, I actually have a girlfriend, and
then they just start having like an entire conversation
just because they want to leave with their hands
clean.
They cannot have a bad track record where they've had one bad negative reaction, even
though the guy knows exactly why he was there.
They still don't want to have that bad track record,
they will have every conversation ending on a high note.
Never have that in your mind.
You never want to make sure that all conversations end on a high note.
If you try to make every single conversation end
on a high note, you are going to be struggling for the
rest of your life because you're going to have a lot
of people who you will just not get along with,
okay, because a lot of the time where you just not
getting along with a girl.
That's why I say not all sets are meant for you.
Sometimes you will be in the set, with the most gorgeous girl in the world,
but there is zero connection, you're trying and you're
trying and you're pushing and there is zero connection.
Just walk away.
You don't have to sleep with every single girl in the world, okay, it's impossible.
The third rule.
The third rule of how to get out of your approach anxiety is to make sure that no matter
what you walk away having a blast.
You walk away from that set enjoying yourself and thinking that
was the funniest thing, or it was the happiest part
of your day where you just did that.
The reason why I say this is because if you start putting on pressure
to yourself it's going to become very, very difficult
for you to enjoy the moment, okay, if you're trying
to make things work well for you.
Or if you're just trying to get ticks for your reference experience
for a little book at home saying whoa, I approached 30 girls just like Sami told me, 30 girls.
Good going me!
If you're trying to do that, then you're never going to enjoy yourself.
You want to make sure that it's always enjoyable for you and if
you walk away enjoying yourself, you're going to be
in the moment and you're going to realize that's
really fun.
That's why a lot of the times on the boot camps, the guys who we bring out first, who
have like severe approach anxiety, we make sure
that the first sets they go into are actually pretty
bad sets.
We make sure that they go and do something stupid and make fools out of themselves, just
so they get over this kind of fear of rejection.
So we basically push them in to get rejected, so
that they go, aww, that was actually pretty funny, that
wasn't as bad as I thought.
No fear of approach, basically, means having no worries, no social worries
that the person who you're talking to is going to judge
you, okay, that's why back in the day, people used
to do peacocking, okay?
Yeah, sure, you get noticed but at the same time it takes off the pressure of
your approaching someone.
People used to peacock in my opinion, because it was a good way for people
to notice you, and just give you that like, what
the fuck are you wearing kind of look and then
people...
All right, you know, he was already looking at me, I
might as well approach.
They already approached me first.
That's why if you have like extreme social anxiety, or if you have some extreme fear
of approaching then go out looking like an idiot
and watch how much, you know, you're going to
get all these bad negative reactions anyway so you
have no other choice but to approach because everybody
already thinks you're an idiot.
That's why sometimes we'll put someone in a situation where they
have this James Bond feel okay, they go up to the
club and they're like, oh I can't approach, I have
to be suave, so you know what, get down and do some
push- ups and they're like, what, in the middle
of the club?
Yeah, get down and do some push-ups, and they'll get down and start doing push-ups
and everyone will look at them like they are fucking
idiot.
So once they get up they know that the entire club thinks you're a douche, so you have no
other choice but to approach and you'll be fine
because you've already hit rock bottom.
What else can you possibly do to make things better for yourself
when it comes to approaching?
There is nothing wrong with high expectations, but there is something
very, very wrong with expecting it to come easy.
That's why it really is true that practice makes perfect.
If you go out and do the hundred approaches a week
you will be fine within a couple of months whereas if you sit down and watch videos
and then just do one approach per week it'll take
you a few years to improve.
You're not going to improve at a fast rate at all.
So practice does make perfect.
Don't expect for yourself to just sit at home and then magically become better, you
need to put in the hours.
Unfortunately approach anxiety will never go away, okay, even now if I'm
going to go and approach a set I'll freeze up for a
few seconds, but you just learn to either enjoy
it or push through.
I've started learning how to enjoy it.
I like that little adrenaline rush, oh I don't want
to do this, uncomfortable, and then you just go off
and once it's over it's like, well it's like that
jumping off a diving board feeling.
You don't want to do it you're kind of scared and then you
jump off and you're like, well, and then even though
you go up like 10 times even on the 10th time you
don't jump off straight away.
On the 10th time you hesitate for a second and then you jump off
just because you know what the ride is like.
The reason why practice makes perfect is because once
you've gone through 10,000 sets or whatever the number
is you want to reach in your mind, you probably
had every possible reaction you'll ever get.
You will always get a reaction, of you know, either
positive or negative or neutral, and you kind of learn
to build your own answers to them.
That's why I don't believe in canned openers or canned answers
is because you need to kind of develop like a
second nature.
It's kind of like a sixth sense where you're just like, boom, this is what I'm going to
say to this, and you don't even think about it anymore.
When the girl says, I've got a boyfriend, and you're
like, oh, open my canned answer bank, this one's
good, this is my reply to your question, and, you
know, you don't want to have to have that kind of
thing.
You want to be able to do it so naturally that you don't even think about it anymore
and it's just like you don't even notice what you're
talking about.
It's just coming out very very naturally now.
One thing I want to put out there is for those of
you who have a very strong ego, or I like to call it
the stubborn ego, the more fragile your identity the
more of a swing there will be to your self-esteem.
Now what does that mean?
That means if you have, if you don't actually know your own core, you're
not a very confident person, you can't act like
a tough guy, like, oh yeah, this is who I am, which
shows that you're a fragile entity.
As soon as one girl shuts you down you are going to have a huge
swing in your self-esteem.
So even though you act like you're the boss, a baller or whatever you want to
call yourself, if you actually don't feel like
that deep inside, as soon as a girl shuts you down or
as soon as you get negative reaction it's going to
crush your ego completely.
That's why I say fuck your ego, put it on the line, make people step on it,
destroy your ego, bring it down to zero and don't
give a shit, okay?
The coolest people are actually people who don't care about how people think about
them, okay, if you're scared of being judged you
will have to suffer in this lifestyle for the rest of
your life unfortunately, okay?
However if you know you're fun, if you know you are, also if you don't
care about making a fool of yourself, you will
probably be a blast to hang around and then you will
realize once you start talking to people that actually
you're not a person who needs to have approach anxiety, you're actually just a great person
and you're going to be able to approach all the
time whenever you want to do it.
That's all from me for today, until next time guys!