hi everyone my name is Tim Shue
I don't know fourth year computer
science major at Georgia Tech I'm fresh
off the initiative from Silicon Valley
coming from a good socio-economic
background I'm perfectly physically
healthy of a stable family life and have
strong and meaningful friendships yeah
on August 25th I sat on the floor 30
minutes away from dying but overdosing
on over a hundred researching
painkillers from trying to kill myself
there was nothing wrong with my life on
paper if anything I had everything to
lose
I love my family so much I want it to be
able to taste my brother's bachelor
party wedding and to be an uncle I love
my friends so much I wanted to be able
to continue going out with them to see
who they'd end up with or they'd be I
see all the amazing things that they
would accomplish I wanted to see where I
could go and my dream of making a
positive impact on the lives of others
even though at the time I didn't know
how I was willing to forego all that
give up on everything I loved an entire
well cared about or dreamed of these are
something and many people don't believe
exists mental illness
if you break your arm a doctor can use
an x-ray diagnose exactly we're in your
factor or breaking your bone occurs then
issue a treatment plan but a cast or a
splint to move everything back into
place however there's no x-ray for
mental illness this can take weeks or
months to see the full picture a certain
symptoms can overlap unfortunately for
me the Asian cultural mentality I was
raised in was one in which mental health
did not exist
I first realized that I wasn't just like
everybody else and my freshman year of
high school I'd been and academically
inclined involved the social student my
first fall semester had one completely
fine that following spring I was hit
when I first ever about its oppression I
couldn't get out of bed I couldn't eat
all I could do was want to lay in my
room alone
so bad to the point that I couldn't even
remember what clothes to put on that
depressive episode would be followed by
an episode which is basically
characterized erasing thoughts fast
speech delusions and inability to sleep
by clockwork my mood was cycled on a by
Oakley basis between depression and
mania much to the observation my parents
extremely good at hiding how unwell I
was with my grace to others most I mean
unable to hide out
my band director who had been teaching
kids for over 30 years
notice that something was erratic with
the behavior
he said that my mother miss shoe body
shell is extremely bright there's
definitely something wrong you need to
see a doctor you need to see a doctor
my mother smiled and said yes yes in
reality I never received any help for my
family when I got so sad to the point
but I couldn't got out of bed my dad
would just tell me that taken out and
then everything would get better when I
got so sad to the point that I couldn't
eat my mom would tell me to just cheer
up let's not waste food well they both
loved and cared for me but Asian
cultural mindset that they were raising
was one in which mental health did not
exist as a result though misguided they
had in my situation the only way they
knew how
like clockwork my mood cycled on a bike
weekly basis between depression and
mania much of the observation of my
parents three months later I was at my
breaking point after going for over 72
hours without sleeping I broke down
crying hysterically in front of my
teachers and classmates my desperate
cries for help and private had proved
futile so the only option I saw left was
to rely this ability the public and it
worked
I was taken to a hospital able to see a
doctor
yeah medication I'm finally put a name
to the illness that had been destroying
my life bipolar disorder
bipolar disorder or manic-depressive
illness the brain disorder characterized
by rapid shifts in mood or erratic
shifts in mood between periods of
extremely down depressed or negative
behavior appears extremely up Stasik
belated and a way to be eager like
clockwork my mood would shift between
depression and media and that was a
textbook definition bipolar disorder
unfortunately is incurable and something
that requires you to be on medication
for an entire for the rest of your
entire life in order to maintain a
stable mood
I'll describe lithium mood stabilizer
for several mental illnesses but in
order for it to have a therapeutic
effect you have to build up to and
eventually maintain a certain level in
your bloodstream in order to maintain a
stable blue label mood as a result the
longer and longer I was on my medication
the healthier and more successful I
became
able to regain back them before and
become more involved in school get my
friends back
this toxic cultural Asia mentality
caused me they could be ashamed of my
illness ignore it I mean that it didn't
ever exist as a result the longer longer
I was on my medication and more and more
of my parents encouraged me to lower my
dose even though that is the opposite of
what you should do unbeknownst to us at
the time my dose had gotten so low to
the point that is effectively zero
undetectable in my blood
the equivalent of going off medication
completely only seven years later that I
learned that I had been essentially
unmedicated since starting college it
was a miracle I even made it through
college at all successfully been doing
all of that
unfortunately my luck was about to run
out
fall in 2018 I had a busy semester yes
but you know it's classes budget and
then an intense job sketch but despite
all that I was able to succeed that's
why I thought that in that spring with
only 12 hours of classes and a job
secured that I would have a great time
and it would be relaxing the fauna but
instead of that semester is
supposed to be completely the opposite
do months into that spring I was hit by
my first bout of depression after over
seven years of health I was always
terrified fortunately enough this time
learning from my past I just determined
to get try as hard as I could to get
better and this time my parents were
willing to help I got so sad at the
point that I couldn't even open my eyes
I think what I was able to call myself
in to Jiki house GT counseling and show
them how much I needed help they were
able to get me an emergency referral to
be Sam psychiatry treating a mental
illness is not nearly as straightforward
as a physical ailment as what each
medication I tried the more and more
became to go on but each medication I
tried the depression and withdrawals
from swishing broth slowly brutal the
only way I mean it did that semester was
by blaming it on the only thing that I
could my situation a student at Georgia
Tech are known as common theme among
people voicing our toxic difficult of an
environment this that this school can be
house result I made myself believe that
my depression was because of my
situation
I'm not going to San Francisco for an
internship that summer I would solve all
my problems but again I could not have
been more wrong
near the end of that spring but doc my
school psychiatrist and therapist told
my parents you don't feel comfortable
but he said go across the country alone
any professional home he's been way too
unstable semester
unfortunately for me history repeats
itself I'm just like how my parents
refused to heed the warnings and advice
my dad after seven years prior they
refused to heed and ignored advice my
doctors then do you really need to see a
doctor you're gonna be in your dream
city in California making great money do
you really need to see it out there
after all this time they still believed
on my mental illness was externally
caused
I was in San Francisco across the
country alone though any professional
help
by with this toxic Asian cultural
mentality around D legitimizing
psychiatrists psychologists cause my
parents to believe that they could play
doctor because since they knew me better
than them
they could tell me what I needed to take
but if you're if you're meant to if your
patient is being changed on a monthly
basis by your parents instead of a
mental a med of Medela professional how
can you even know for sure what's
working or not my withdrawals from
stopping antidepressants that summer
mess me up to the point that I couldn't
even remember how to walk home from work
without getting lost they heard my work
performance too as my depressive
episodes would make it so hard to focus
that I would literally have to go the
break rooms just to hide and cry but
ruin my perfect summer in San Francisco
that everybody thought I had from what i
betray to others people really only
share what they want you to see
the only thing keeping me alive there
that spring semester was to hope that if
I changed my situation everything would
get better but about severely depressed
and suicidal in my dream city that
summer how's that supposed to make it
through a fall semester at Georgia Tech
what was the point of even living
anymore that's what led me to my term
that first week of school
nobody that commits suicide really wants
to die
they're just driven to a breaking point
after an accumulation of unbearable
suffering
the definition when sanity is doing the
same thing over and over again expecting
a different result
and with each depressive episode I had
over and over again I could not get
better no matter how hard I try suicide
is a permanent solution to a temporary
problem but without medication my
problem would have been permanent
was the worst thing that happened to me
yeah the best thing happened to me if I
hadn't done what I did I would be still
suffering in silence
right now I would have never been able
to receive the care understanding and
acceptance I so craved or had the
strength and the courage to share my
story with you all today
try and focus my blame on my parents but
more so on that Asian culture mentality
well they both loved and cared for me
people are a byproduct of the upbringing
and by handling my situation in a manner
that accorded with the culture that they
were raised in those actions caused me
to suffer not get proper help and be
alone for eight years in silence
here's so much this special mentality
which is not unique to Asian culture
alone but to many other cultures as well
it's so toxic and nailing the deaths of
many
it is entirely preventable
you
according to the World Health
Organization over 800,000 people year
die from suicide this tragic that's
occurring at this very moment
and a tragedy that's unfortunately
affected the lives of the members of
this Georgia Tech Community College
people could be saved if there wasn't
the societal stigma you're not a freak
anxiety depression OCD bipolar or any
other mental illness do it up a little
judge our shame someone for having
cancer so why don't we do so reveal what
that have mental illness or they both
simply just spit into something outside
of their control why is it socially
acceptable to take medication for an
insulin imbalance in your blood but not
for a chemical imbalance in your brain
we should be trying to help those are
suffering now kick them while they're
down
I became so scared from that toxic
stigma that I was unwilling to let
anyone know how bad I was suffering so
the point that I almost died many of my
best friends had no idea that I was
going through anything at all until they
found my body on the floor that day
I've been so terrified that but I told
my friends the truth though they would
hate me or think I was a freak so
terrified that until I thought
frustrated that I would die 30 minutes
later that I finally gained the courage
to speak up because I wanted to tell
them the reason why was it going to be
in their lives anymore
you shouldn't have to almost die to gain
the courage to speak out and if I could
face that I can face anything even if
that means sharing my biggest secret
it's not the whole world
you
when someone's in their darkest pits of
despair sometimes someone else is
showing that they care is all that's
needed be a shining light and there see
if darkness the next time you see
someone that you know and you think that
something is hot slightly off why not
just check in and make sure that
everything's okay
you don't feel like you're qualified to
handle the situation guide then to a
trusted friend or a professional and
just show them that they know that they
have your full support because I know
when I was in that pit of despair
those few signs of care and concern I
had but a few glimpses for a better
tomorrow I want to be the person for
others that I didn't have am i worse I
want everyone here to be that person -
thank you
you
[Applause]