- If we get rid of the Confederate flag,
(audience laughing)
how am I gonna know who the dangerous white people are?
(audience laughing)
I'm just saying, the flag had a couple of up sides.
So let's just be real about it.
(upbeat music)
My Uncle Derek told me to watch "Titanic".
You want to learn how to woo a woman,
you got to watch "Titanics".
(audience laughing)
Country folk, you know, "Titanics".
You want to know how to woo a woman, boy?
I'm telling you, "Titanics" show you.
That boy, Leo DiCaprio, boy. That boy got that girl.
Boy, that girl was out of his league. He pulled her.
And then he died. He died happy.
He was smiling when he was drowning.
He float down, smiling.
I went back and watched "Titanic".
"Titanic" is not that romantic of a movie.
It's a good film, but it ain't romantic.
"Titanic" is basically a movie about an old lady
who got some dick so good,
(audience laughing)
that she went back out into the ocean to say goodbye to it.
(audience laughing)
That's pretty much the movie.
Go back and watch "Titanic". The whole thing is a flashback.
It's a 90 year old lady, and she's on the bow of a ship.
The whole movie was a flashback.
It's a 90 year old lady, she's looking out into the water.
And then it flashes back
to everything that happened on the ship.
He drowned. She lives.
They come back present day,
and she's looking out into the water.
And then people are coming up and talking to her.
Ma'am, are you thinking about
all your friends you lost out there?
Oh, no baby.
I'm thinking about that good dick that was out there.
(audience laughing)
There's some good dick under that water.
That's what I'm thinking about.
Right here, 70 years ago,
this is where I got my back beat out.
Didn't you know that was right here.
Young gentlemen, poverty stricken, put that pipe on me.
I couldn't handle it.
It was steaming up,
and I was pressing my hand on that car window.
That's why I walk like this. Give me the jewelry.
(audience laughing)
She threw that jewelry into the water.
"Titanic" ain't no romantic movie.
If anything it's a superhero movie.
It's a superhero movie. Leo DiCaprio was a superhero, bruh.
They had sex one time in that movie.
Once, they had sex one time in "Titanic".
And she remembered it for the next 70 years.
(audience laughing)
You know how good you're pipe game got to be?
(audience laughing)
To put it down once, one time.
And for 70 years, that's all she could think about.
She's 90.
Think about how much stuff you probably will forget.
But I know by the time I'm 90, I'm not gonna wear my.
I'm not gonna know where my car is parked.
I'm not gonna know my grandkid's names.
I'm gonna have my pills in that
Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, trap door.
But this lady is 90, and she never forgot that one time.
His dick beat Alzheimer's. That's a super power.
(audience cheers and applauds)
You gotta respect that.
Good to see y'all looking coupled up and stuff.
Good for you. 'Cause I suck at relationships.
I suck at love. I'm through trying. I give up.
You ever been on a date so bad,
the girl makes you drop her off at another dude's house?
You ever been through that?
(audience laughing)
Somebody come out and give you gas money.
Y'all know what I'm talking about.
My last relationship I was in was like two years ago.
This girl broke up with me, and then changed her mind.
I didn't want to take her back, and she got all depressed,
decided she was gonna fake her own suicide
to get me to take her back.
I swear. Swear to God. This is a true story.
This is an actual OnStar conversation.
This is for real, it really happened.
But she calls me up at two in the morning,
shaking these sleeping pills on the phone.
Swear to God. (mimics pills shaking in a bottle)
You hear that, Roy?
I'm finna go to sleep,
'cause you don't want to be with the me.
Good night. Click. And she hung up.
Then she proceeded to send me text messages every 30 minutes
to let me know that she had taken a couple more pills.
I don't know if this is some sorta
suicide update sports ticket that I done signed up for.
You don't know if your cell phone company
is charging you extra, so you try to block them.
I'm trying to block the text messages,
and they keep coming through.
14 pills, Roy. 28 pills, Roy. 34 pills, Roy.
Aren't you gonna say something?
I called up. I said, it's been two hours.
Why aren't you asleep yet? Go to sleep. Go to sleep.
(audience laughing)
Go to sleep.
If you want more people to stand for the anthem,
change the song.
(audience laughing)
That's half the problem right there,
it's just the lyrics to the anthem.
We can stand to any song.
Patriotism is a feeling, let's not forget that.
Patriotism ain't no one song.
For as long as we stand and agree
that people died for us to kick it,
we can do that to any song.
You can do that to Bruno Mars.
What's more American than Bruno Mars?
They say America is a melting pot.
Well, damn it, I want to stand to Bruno Mars.
He literally looks like every race at the same time.
(audience cheers and applauds)
What's better than that?
What's more American than us standing
with a Hawaiian, Mexican, white, lesbian Jewish man
(audience laughing)
to honor the truth?
Ladies and gentlemen, we ask that you please rise
as we sing our national Anthem, "24 Karat Magic".
(audience laughing)
Remove your hats,
and put your pinky rings to the moon at this time.
You mad about the damn anthem. Man please.
Let's be real about the anthem.
First and foremost, the beat is whack. It don't go hard.
You love America, but you ain't downloaded
the national anthem to your phone.
If you was at the club,
and the DJ started playing the national anthem,
you'd be like, what the (beep) is wrong with this DJ?
You ain't at the DJ booth,
hey man, play some of that patriotism shit.
That's what I like. That's my jam.
I understand it's supposed to honor the country.
But here's the thing people forget
about the national anthem.
It ain't even an original song.
It ain't original. It's based off a British song.
It's the exact same as a British song.
And that's what you want people to stand up?
First of all, imagine that.
Imagine whooping another country ass, getting your freedom.
And then to celebrate your freedom,
you write a freedom song based on the song
of the country ass you just whooped.
That don't even make no sense.
Now you running around telling stolen people
in a stolen land that they should stand for a stolen song?
Come on, bruh. That ain't how the game go.
(audience cheers and applauds)
Just be real about it, white people.
Y'all came at black folks the wrong way.
You had bad marketing.
If you wanted black people to stand for the anthem,
all you had to do was tell us that it was a remix.
(audience laughing)
That's all you had to do, tell us it was a remix.
Ladies and gentlemen, we ask that you please stand
to the remix of national anthem,
featuring Puff Daddy, and The Family, and Francis Scott Key.
Either that, or made a dance to it.
♪ Hand over your heart hand over your heart ♪
♪ Everybody salute the flag ♪
Like that.
Black people would stand up in a minute.
Man, I love doing the freedom slide.
Don't you like the freedom slide? Hell yeah.
Hand over the heart, then you salute, then you turn.
That's how you do that freedom slide, boy.
The anthem ain't even
the most disrespectful thing happening at a football game.
The most disrespectful thing is when they bring a troop out,
let us clap for him, and paint the illusion
that they actually care about the veterans.
That's the real BS.
(audience cheers and applauds)
Every game they do that, right?
They bring a troop out, let us clap for them.
But they don't want to talk about
the issues affecting the troop.
They bring him out.
Ladies and gentlemen, we'd like to turn your attention
to the field as we welcome home
Lieutenant Colonel Commander, Fifth General,
submarine driver.
He's braver than your bitch ass. Clap for this hero.
And we clap, as we should.
But you ever notice,
whenever they bring a veteran out at a football game.
You ever notice, we give them a round of applause.
They give them good seats.
The one thing they never give them is the microphone.
(audience cheers and applauds)
You can't do that.
Just once, just once, I'd love to see a vet
just snatch the mic from the PA announcer.
Ladies and gentlemen, this is brave hero-
Can we talk about the VA, and the homeless?
Get the (beep), get your ass over.
(audience laughing)
Now please rise and put your pinky rings to the moon,
as we sing Bruno Mars.
Y'all believe in ghosts?
You believe in that? What about mediums?
You think you can talk to the dead?
You don't think that's real?
You don't think you can go to a medium for $20,
(audience laughing)
and pull up your dead grandma on face time?
See what's cracking in the afterlife?
If talking to the dead is real, at minimum it's rude.
It's disrespectful.
What you bothering people in Heaven.
I'm dead. What the fuck else do you want?
It's rude. You dead. You in Heaven having a good time.
Barbecue, lap dances. Here come the waiter.
Oh yes, you have a call on the Earth phone.
(audience laughing)
When you do see people talking to the dead,
they ain't asking the more important questions.
Nobody talks to the dead and asks important shit.
It's all self-serve and emotional.
(babbling)
Ask him if he misses me.
What color was the dress, when (mimics crying)
You talking to a goddamn spirit in the fifth dimension,
and you giving them account security questions?
Ask some real shit.
(audience laughing)
Talking to a spirit, the only question is,
is there a guest list, and can you add me to it?
Trying to get into Heaven, that's all I'm trying to do.
You know why I think talking to the dead ain't real?
Nobody ever talks to the dead to settle the score.
You ever notice on TV, people talk to spirits and shit.
It's always somebody they missed, somebody they loved,
somebody they had an emotional attachment to.
We all at the age where somebody in our life done died,
that you kind of, you're okay with them dying.
(audience laughing)
Wouldn't it be nice for $20,
to pull they ass up and keep talking shit?
(audience laughing)
I had a homeboy died, true story. He died owing me $637.
(audience laughing)
We got to have a conversation. I'm sorry.
(audience laughing)
I'm sorry you're dead.
But yo, does somebody on Earth have my six? 'Cause.
Yes, I'm talking to the spirit.
The spirit is here. What question for the spirit?
Ask that nigger where that 600 is.
(audience laughing)
Nobody ever talks to the dead to settle the score.
If you really think that the dead is a real thing,
talk to shit people.
I would love to talk to my father.
My father died when I was 16. I'm 40 now.
You think I ain't got no questions for my dad?
Questions I couldn't ask when I was 16.
Too young to even realize they were questions were asking.
But for $20,
(audience laughing)
pull his ass right up.
(audience continues laughing)
Yes, your father is here. He is in the room.
What question for your father?
Ask him why, in the eighth grade,
when he knew I worked extra shifts to pay for a tuxedo
to go to the middle school prom,
he stood me up and didn't take me to prom,
'cause he was cross town cheating on my mama.
(audience awing)
I am asking the spirit.
(audience laughing)
The spirit speaks. The spirit said, nigger hush.
Does that mean anything?
Oh my God, yes. That's exactly what I said he would say.
(babbling)
(audience laughing)
Is this too much information for you?
I'm sorry, I thought we were live at The Cellar.
I thought I could say whatever.
(audience laughing)
I believe in ghosts. I believe in ghosts.
I believe it ghosts because I
heard my father's ghost getting ready for work
for three weeks after he died.
It's not even bullshit. I'm 16.
My father died on a Monday morning,
and for the next two weeks, two three weeks,
I could hear, distinctly, downstairs.
I could hear my father.
I could hear his morning routine,
every morning I heard the shit.
Heard the shower curtain push back,
shower curtain come forward, shower curtain push back.
Heard the water run. Heard the walk across the linoleum.
Heard the fridge open. Heard the coffee maker.
Heard him back door, back porch, to the car,
garage door up, car out, garage door down, car drive off.
Two weeks straight, I hear my father's morning routine.
And I let the roll for two weeks.
I go to my mom. I go yo, what the fuck?
Are you not hearing this nigger just
casually walking through the house?
And she was like no, I ain't hearing no shit like that.
You want to go to a therapist?
I'm like, no. I don't need to go to no therapist.
I'm just concerned that apparently after you die,
you still got to go to work.
(audience laughing)
How bad is this economy?
I don't think everybody that
doesn't understand what we go through
is necessarily racist or bigoted.
That's a far jump.
It's a lot of folks that just straight up
don't know what it's like.
You got to educate them.
You got to educate them on the kind of America you live in.
I had to go to Best Buy and give a dude some straightening.
(audience laughing)
Straightened his ass out, yeah. Some straightening.
Dude at Best Buy gonna decide
I don't need a bag with my purchase.
(audience laughing)
You just have an iPhone case.
I figured you could just pop that open.
No I ain't popping shit. You put in the bag.
(audience laughing)
I need that in a bag.
What do you need a bag for?
I don't understand why you need a bag.
It's wasteful. Recycle.
Don't you care about the Earth?
Look, sir. This has nothing to do with the Earth.
I'm a black man in America.
I gotta leave the store with a bag, bruh.
(audience applauding)
It's about safety.
(audience continues applauding)
I'm black, I don't get the luxury
of just walking out with shit in my hand.
That is a roll of the dice.
That is a horrifying day if I don't.
No, not only do I need that bag, bitch.
I need that receipt.
(audience cheers and applauds)
And staple it to the outside.
I don't want a receipt in my hand.
You staple my receipt to the outside,
like Chinese carry out.
And I hold it up in the air. I "Lion King".
Hakuna matata, an iPhone case out of Best Buy.
And it's not his fault. He just didn't understand.
He thought he was saving the Earth,
but he was saving a life.
That's what he was doing.
This has nothing to do with recycling.
'Cause see, you might be a cool person.
He might, the cashier might be a cool ass dude.
But we don't know what the security guard
done been through, up front.
I come prancing out of the Best Buy
with this naked ass iPhone case in my hand.
And here come security.
Excuse me, sir. Did you pay for that?
Oh yeah, I got the receipt.
He going for a gun! Stab out!
♪ Oh let freedom ♪
(audience cheers and applauds)
(upbeat music)