- Welcome back to another episode on Aaron's Kitchen.
Today we're gonna be in the high,
vibrational vortex of Sedona, Arizona.
And I'm gonna be cooking for you and showing you,
the ingredients that go into what we call a people pleaser.
A people pleaser is somebody that's going to
please you or please somebody else,
at the expense of their own values
and at the expense of themselves.
So very common, this is what happens.
Now while we're talking about this,
I'm on allrecipes.com right now looking this up.
It says, that the vibration of approval seeking
and somebody becoming a people pleaser
needs one part seeking of validation.
So this is very interesting.
Now the thing that I think is so interesting about this
is that when we want validation from other people,
one thing we're willing to do
is we're willing to do anything we can to get it.
So in order for us to have this though,
we need some type of childhood trauma.
Without this childhood trauma,
we really wouldn't be seeking something
that is outside of ourselves so much.
So a lot of times this is what happens.
Now, I'm just reading the recipe book here.
And what it says is that in order
for us to have some type of validation seeking behavior,
we need to not feel internally validated ourselves.
So what we do is we have this
that stems from some childhood trauma.
So let's say we have some bitter childhood trauma.
Let's say what happens is we have our parents
and maybe one of them doesn't really approve of us.
Maybe we are afraid that one of our parents
is going to abandon us.
And if they're going to abandon us then we decide
that we have to be a certain way,
or we have to not be a certain way
in order to not be abandoned, to not lose their love.
Now, even if it wasn't a physical abandonment
this is the crazy thing.
It could have been emotional.
It could be some type of a,
one of your parents is emotionally not there.
You're wondering where the hell did they go?
And what happens is you're like, well, maybe just maybe
if I am a little bit different than I can gain their love
and approval, then they're going to love me more.
They won't leave me.
That is why one of the most important ingredients
of that of a people pleaser is a feeling of not worthiness.
So let's say we just put
a little bit of that worthiness in here.
Now this is a little bit ironic
because I actually really like lemon water
and lemon water is delicious,
but it's bitter, I don't know.
This is what allrecipes.com says.
Now there is a, another aspect of being a people pleaser.
It's very important to understand.
And when it has to do with is realizing
that at the expense of yourself,
your own values, how you feel about yourself,
you're willing to give that up in exchange for validation,
for approval and for a feeling of worthiness.
The problem is this,
what happens is when we have this perspective,
that happiness or that seeking or that validation
is outside of ourselves, we're going to seek it.
And when we seek it, it then becomes a drug.
You guys want to know a good example of this?
My YouTube channel.
When I first started on YouTube,
I was making videos every single day.
I was getting a lot of, honestly
I was getting a lot of like validation from other people
paying attention to my videos.
What would happen is people would watch my videos
and I would start to feel like,
"Oh I'm really doing something great in the world.
I'm helping people wake up to more of who they are."
And part of me was like,
"Oh, a lot of people are paying attention."
And back in the day, when I went through my awakening
one thing that happened is
a lot of people didn't understand what I was going through.
So now that I'm putting out content
and people are listening and people are finding value in it,
I started to feel worthy.
So I started to associate my ability to make videos
and to get people to pay attention to them
with my sense of validation.
So in a way I was people seeking all of you
but here is the thing that I've had to learn.
I've had to learn to draw my source of validation
not from the outside.
So the key to realize in this whole people pleaser thing
is that the reason we're a people pleaser
is because at a certain time in our past what happened
is something happened and we decided we're not worthy.
So maybe if I can be a little bit different
then I will get that worthiness.
Now, this also is related to the seeking of significance.
The seeking of that of approval and validation.
Many times you may have parents growing up
that didn't validate you,
that didn't make you feel comfortable, confident
or you then were seeking it on the outside.
And you thought,
"well, there's something wrong with me"
which is a core belief.
Think about that too.
There's a core belief that says I'm not worthy.
Worthy, the word worth, has to do with value.
I don't have value.
There's something wrong with me.
It was really a belief that it says
there's something wrong with me.
And when there's something that's wrong
with me, what happened?
When that's the belief, we then tried to mitigate
and we try to be differently
so that people will accept us, love us and approve of us.
Now, then that remains on autopilot
until we begin to question that initial belief that we had
that there's something wrong with me
and that I'm willing to give up and exchange my values.
I'm willing to give up my own authenticity
in exchange for that validation, which becomes a drug.
There are a lot of people that will look
on Instagram or on YouTube for likes.
And when they get the likes,
that it's literally becomes a drug.
And many of us are addicted
to the drugs of attention, appreciation, and approval.
And unless we become aware
of this drug and that we're trying to literally,
we're trying to get something.
Imagine you drink this drug.
Imagine that this is the approval and validation.
And then you become a drug addicted to this.
You become addicted to the lemon water,
which is delicious.
But imagine that then you're trying to draw
that source from outside of you.
Now, what is the cure to people pleasing?
What is the cure to this process?
Well, one of the most powerful things
you can do is inner child work.
Which means you go into yourself and you do meditation
and you heal your own inner child.
The inner child part of you
that may have felt emotionally abandoned when you're a kid.
The inner child part of you that feels
like there's something wrong with you
that maybe wasn't approved of,
that maybe didn't get that validation.
And what you do is you then do a meditation and you feel
and you connect to that inner child.
What happens is when you connect to that inner child,
you begin to, you begin to heal.
You begin to feel a lot of emotion that may have been stored
and not like felt back in the past.
So I have a meditation for this.
If you guys haven't seen it yet
if you go to aarondoughty.com/child as C H I L D
cause it's a child meditation
or click the link below, it's a free meditation.
We energetically go to quiet Hawaii.
And what we do is we connect to our own inner child
and we give our inner child what we need
whether it's to be seen, heard,
validated, loved, listened to.
And it's a very powerful meditation.
The meditation that changed my life.
And I literally have overcome a lot of things
in my life from doing inner child type work
and healing my own inner child
because a lot of our stuff in this life,
it stems from childhood.
So when we cure and when you heal the childhood,
we then aren't addicted to the approval,
the validation and that's something
that really begins to change a lot.
So, the other aspect of this that I really want to talk
about is that when we are people pleasers,
or when there's the making of a people pleaser,
what we do is we are giving up our self for other people.
So the key to this is actually going back to the self.
Ask yourself the question,
"what the hell do I want to do?
Who the hell am I?
What am I, what excites me?
What do I really want to do in this situation?"
People that are people pleasers have a hard time saying no.
They have hard times causing
or having other people feel tension.
If they do something that somebody doesn't want them to do.
Here's the reason.
They've literally lost their
understanding of what they want,
what their self wants.
And they've given it away in exchange for the validation,
not knowing that actually the key
is to do what the hell you want to do.
You guys want to know the most powerful part
of this whole video is this idea right here.
You guys ready for it?
Here it is.
People pleasing comes from a fear of abandonment.
The irony is that if you feel this fear of abandonment,
which may become from a, you know,
some type of situation growing up,
what you have done is you have abandoned yourself
at the expense of giving away yourself
in exchange for validation,
for approval, for appreciation
and what that causes is a lot of pain.
A lot of in authenticity.
You ever heard of a nice guy?
A nice guy is somebody that's also a people pleaser.
And what they're willing to do is to give
up their selves in exchange for that validation too.
And they're willing to, and it's very manipulative in a way.
A lot of people pleasing is manipulative and saying
if I give you this,
if I'm nice to you, if I please you
then you're going to give me that validation.
So the key to this is actually becoming not a narcissist
but going within yourself to ask,
you're not gonna become a narcissist
if you're a people pleaser.
A narcissist is somebody that is so much themselves
like so much taking and putting people
in their own frame that it's like unhealthy.
And that's why a lot of people pleasers attract narcissists.
But the key to this whole process,
you guys want to know what it is?
It's becoming and doing what the hell you want to do
and not being afraid
of other people feel tension because it's not your stuff.
Here's a mantra for all people pleasers.
Oh, that's your stuff, not mine.
That's your stuff.
Not mine.
The meditation that I've been doing,
if you guys want me to share the meditation
in a different video, like this video below
let me know, high vibrational like it, just boop, like that.
You just push that little like button.
You go, boop, it's high vibrational, boop, raises your vibe.
And I might make that meditation
but there's the meditation I've been doing
where basically what I do is I stare at a candle flame
and I feel the separation between me and the candle flame.
And as I do, I feel safe in my own body.
And then I'm able to delineate
and see what is mine versus what is someone else's.
This has been key for really healing in a very powerful way.
So if you want to heal, one of the things
I recommend you do is a meditation
where you stare at a candle flame
and you actually feel the separation
between you and the flame.
Between you and the room.
You and wherever you are.
When you start to feel the separation,
you start to feel safe in your own body.
You can then say, what the hell do I want to do?
You can give yourself the validation you're seeking.
You can stop abandoning yourself.
When you stop abandoning yourself,
guess what's going to happen.
You're not going to be a people pleaser.
You're going to be okay
if you make other people feel tension.
If you say no to doing something, you start to
draw boundaries that you would normally feel guilty setting.
You're not going to feel that
because you're going to realize
that I have to fill up my own cup.
I have to fill up my own cup before I can draw
or give other people from my cup to please them.
But this is the thing.
Now you're not giving to get.
You're not giving, pleasing in order to get validation.
You see what I mean?
You fill up your own motherfucking cup.
That's what you end up doing.
And when you do that, guess what happens?
You're not approval seeking.
You feel 100% worthy, whole and complete.
You're in your own frame.
And you're not abandoning yourself
at the expense of authenticity.
At the expense of significance.
You know, you're not giving up that.
So here's the thing.
If you want more videos on
Aaron's high vibrational vortex kitchen,
learning the vibration of these different things,
like this video below and I shall do more.
With that being said,
I hope you guys liked this video.
And that meditation is below, aarondoughty.com/child.
Other than that, I'll see you guys on the next video.
Peace!
Much love and namaste.