Vicki, we've had a lot of requests from some of our viewers to handle what to do
about siblings fighting. How do you handle that? Let's jump on that today at
Live On Purpose TV. Let's back up a step. Because when kids are fighting with each
other, it might have something to do with the expectations or the culture of the
family to start with. So, if we were to establish a culture of respect. -Yeah, that
is a really hard one. But we need to you can start that right at the very
beginning. I remember one time getting a letter from my brother. And his daughter
was... I think she might have only been 3 or so. And I remember him saying in
his letter... I respect her so much. And I thought that was so strange.
I hadn't ever really thought about an adult respecting a small child before.
-Interesting. -Yeah. -That's a culture. And we've talked before on the channel about
family rules. All of which have to do with respect. -Right, yeah. -Should we review
those really quickly nefore we move farther? So, rule number 1, respect
yourself and others. Can you see what that rule might have to do with siblings
fighting with each other? It's actually a rule of the home and of the family to
respect yourself and to respect others. -You know... And I love the you have respect
yourself because a lot of the times when we fight with other people, it's not as
much about them as it is about yourself. -That's actually very true. If we're
feeling insecure, if we're not quite happy with... -A lot quicker to pick a fight.
-Yes. Right. And that might be happening behind the scenes with your kids. So,
that's rule number 1, respect yourself and others. Rule number 2, Vicki?
-Respect property. Which has a whole lot more to do with things and possessions
than it does with your neighbor's yard. I used to ask kids all the time. What is
property? -It's my neighbor's yard. -Because your mom's always saying, "Don't
go in their property." -Right. So, yes. It is the yard but it's also your possessions.
And it has to do with treating things well. Sometimes when siblings are
fighting, it's about stuff. -Yeah. Yeah. And if they're not treating it with
respect, their own their own items, toys or and others, then the children can
start a real fight going... And it's nice to be able to pull it back instead of
going into "You're mean." You can go into the, "Oh, remember our family rule is to
respect properties. So, you can't take your brother's thing without asking him
because that's not respectful." Or you can't throw it. Wherever. You know. -Right.
It has to do with taking care of the item the item itself and putting it
where it belongs and not using it without permission and also sharing
appropriately. Because if we value things above people then we've got our
priorities out of whack. So, that's part of the family culture. To respect
property. And then the third one also has to do with respect. The way we've said it
in the past Vicki is cooperate and obey. Right? Which has to do with
respecting authority. -Right. Now this was kind of tricky because you say the word
authority but you also want children to respect and cooperate and obey with
their siblings. There may not be an authority a hierarchical right set up.
But there's still kind of a authority in that the greater good is to
get along. -So, there's little difference between cooperating and
obeying. Any the way that I explain this to kids is that you should cooperate
with anyone who is asking you to do something that's right and reasonable.
Whether they're in authority over you or not.
So, a little sister is someone you should cooperate with if she needs some help or
something or if she's asked you for some assistance. Or to share something with
her, right? Now, obeying has to do with Authority. -Right. That one has just a
little bit different. And I think it's really important. Again, we've talked
about this on other videos about understanding the difference between
just giving in to someone with authority but obeying when they're asking
something reasonable and that's right. -Right. It's... It's good for kids to
understand who they should obey. Now, they should obey you as a parent right? Now,
that's assuming that you as a parent are asking them to do something that is
right and reasonable. But who else has authority over that
child? -There are lots of different people? There might be the school teacher. -Right.
-Maybe a police officer, a judge. -Maybe even a neighbor that is needing
something or it's their property that they're talking about. And that goes back
to the cooperate too because if even if they don't have direct authority, then
you should cooperate as long as they're asking you to do something that's right
and reasonable. This is the family culture that we want to establish. -You're
saying to help the kids with fighting, you want to go back to the very basics
and make sure you've got the culture, the the rule set up in your home. -Right. This
is the foundation. This is at the root of everything that you're going to ask your
kids to do now related to the fighting. -Okay. So now, you've got some kids
fighting. How can you bring it back to these or what do we do next? The next
step is to make sure you understand what stage your child is on. -Yeah. That's so
important. You want to really understand what stage your child is in while
they're behaving acting out acting out whatever it is. -Right. -So, that you can use
the right consequence with them. So, it's the three C's. Whether you're going to go
with consequences communication or consultation. Right. Now, if you don't
remember the 3 stages, we're not going into it in this video. Go back to
the positive parenting playlist and you'll see other videos where we talk
about those three stages. Particularly one that's titled teaching kids
responsibility. You're going to find a model there that's going to help you to
understand what we're talking about here. Understanding their stage of moral
reasoning and development is going to guide how you approach it as a parent. So,
here's a quick example. Let's say that two of the kids are fighting with each
other. And you intervene to stop the fight, right? "You guys, stop." Wait, can I... Can
i interject something? -Yeah. Anytime the 2 kids are fighting, they're kind of
acting in stage 1. Because remember, cooperation is the one you get past
out of stage one into stage 2. So right now, they're acting stage one. But as soon
as you start talking to them, they might not... They might flip right into stage 2
with you. Yeah, yeah. If they decide to cooperate.
So, be aware that even though their behavior right at the moment is stage
1, they might as soon as you kind of step in and start intervening. They might
be able to swap it and go right back into stage 2 with you with the
situation at which point it's going to be a lot easier. -That's how you're going to
be able to tell what stage they're on. Because if they respond, they start to
cooperate with you as you're intervening to break up the fight, then they're in
stage 2. -So let me ask you. This what if you've got 2 kids fighting obviously
and child A is ready to move into stage two and cooperate with you but child B
is just fighting like crazy still. We had a situation like that and our family a
long time ago. Yeah, I guess what I'm saying is the way that you're dealing
with the sibling rivalry and the way that they're fighting might not be the
same for each child. -Exactly. -Because child A is gonna stay in stage
one, your going to use a consequence. And if child B is willing to come and meet
you with cooperation you're gonna change the type of... -You'll still use
consequences but there will be a different kind of consequence if they're
willing to cooperate with you. So, it could be for a stage one child, for
example. You might restrict access to something that they really enjoy having
access to. Might be a game system. It might be the electronics in the home. It
might be access to certain areas in your home. -Right. -You can enforce that 100%. Now,
with the other child who's cooperating with you, you're going to have some
communication. Vicki mentioned that we use consequences at stage 1,
communication plus consequences at stage 2. But the consequence is shift because
now they're the kind that can require cooperation. And then consultation at
stage 3. We're not even going to talk about that because... -Usually you're not
fighting. That's not why you're watching this video.
Right? So, with that stage 2 child, you'll have a conversation. You might say
something like, let's work together on getting along and making sure that we
follow rule number one which is to respect ourselves and others. That means
we don't fight with each other. And your child will be like, "I know. Okay, I need to
do better." And and they're going along with you. Right?
Now, do you have a consequence, yeah? You might. And that consequence might be a
writing assignment. A little essay about how to treat people. It might be that
they get to do an extra chore or some active service for that sibling. The one
that they were fighting with. You can see that those kinds of consequences require
cooperation. So, we only use them with stage one kids. If your child is not
cooperating, it has to be something that you control
100% that you can enforce whether they want you to or not. -Right. -Okay? -You know,
you mentioned a service or something like that. That kind of pulls us into
another part. When you're setting up the family culture, you know we talked about
the 3 rules. Another cultural aspect you might want to set up in your family
somehow is service among the children. -So, they're serving each other. -Yes, they
serving each other. And one of the reasons that... that happens you know
when you're born into a family, your siblings... And you you all know this
unless you're an only child. You don't always pick your siblings. You wouldn't
necessarily pick their personality to be your best friend, right? You know, it's
just kind of happenstance. So, there are some personalities that have to learn
how to get along with each other. You have to learn how to like them. And one
of the best ways to learn how to like and love somebody is by serving them.
-That is true. So, you can make... Make some fun games or some activities or some
expectations of service. Maybe before the fighting or when the fighting isn't
happening. To try to help the siblings get to know one another better and to
like each other better. -I like what you said about making this part of the
family culture. You can also integrate this as a consequence for stage 2 child.
--Someone who's already cooperating with you. And it's kind of fun to make this a
challenge from time to time. Just as part of your family culture where you might
have Secret Service. Okay, now that sounds like somebody who protects the president,
right? But it's also you secretly do acts of service for someone that you've...
You've drawn out in the family meeting or something like that. But you can even
change add it to your family culture like you've got a little three-year-old
maybe that's oftentimes in stage one because that's their age, right?
Say, "Hey, we ought to do XYZ for so-and-so because we know that makes them happy
and they really like it. Let's go do that." And so you're doing that at a time when
there's no emotional charge. -Right. -Thanks for joining us today. If you want to find
some more resources for your parenting, go to parentingpowerup.com. -That's
where Vicki and I have collaborated to put together a number of resources for
you as a conscious positive parent. Thanks for joining us.