Hiro: Oh hey look, some girl's clothes I don't know. I better take these panties for no reason just in ca-
*High Pitched Scream*
Papa: Rejoice, children! You are the chosen ones who will protect your home in this post-apocalyptic world against the klax-
Guy-In-Audience: You mean like Evangelion?
Papa: Who said that!?
Guy-In-Audience: I did!
*Gunshot*
Papa: I swear to god if one more person compares this show to fucking Evangelion, I will kill every last one of you!
For the LAST TIME. This is nothing like Evangel-
[Cruel Angel's Thesis plays]
Intercom: This place is under attack!
Hiro: Yeah, I'm gonna find another female partner
Naomi: Fine then!
What!? You think in the real world your perfect girl will just come falling out of the sk-
*Perfect girl falling out of the sky noises*
Zero-Two: Hey you, want to help me "bang" this robot?
Hiro: You mean "pilot" this robot?
Zero-Two: I know what I said.
*Explosions, transformation noises*
Zero-Two: From now on, you are my da~
-aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa-
-aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa-
-aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa-
-aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
-aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa-
-aaaaaaaaarling.
Darling: My name's Hiro, you know.
Zero-Two: I know what I said.
Hiro: Let me introduce you to our team: The Cuck Squad!
Ichigo: You can join our team as long as you remember that *I'm* the best girl of the show, right guys?
Guys?
*Half-hearted agreement*
You think I'm best girl, don't you Hiro?
Goro: Well, *I* think you're best gir-
Ichigo: 'Cause I don't care about anyone's opinion but yours!
Goro in the distance: Oh. Okay. I guess I'll just go friend-zone myself then.
That's not an operative term for masturbate.
Nana: Whatever, time to fight some monsters!
[Careless Whisper plays]
Goro: So no-one besides me thinks this control scheme's a bit weird.
Ichigo: Why would anything about this be weird?
Now spank me hard and I'll shout out daddy to get the engine started.
Nana: Does anyone not have a partner to ride?
Hiro: They're not letting me ride with Zero-Two!
Zero-Two: Oh~ You want to ride me, do you?
Hiro: Oh god, I want to ride you so bad.
Zero-Two: You want to ride me hard?
Hiro: Yes, so hard!
Zero-Two: All right then, big boy; let's do it.
*Hiro making jet plane sounds*
*Hiro-Machine gun*
*Hiro continues with the jet plane sounds*
Zero-Two: You know, when I said you can ride me, I didn't mean-
Hiro: Not now, too busy riding you!
*Hiro has unloaded all the payload of the jet*
Zero-Two: Look, how about we get on with fighting monsters like this show's actually meant to be-
Hey look, a beach!
Hiro: Oh boy! You know what that means?
[PLOT PLOT PLOT to the beat of "SHOTS - LMFAO"]
Mitsuru: Hey Hiro, do you remember that time when...
Young Mitsuru: Hiro, you're my best friend. Promise you'll never forget?
Young Hiro: I promise I'll never forget!
Mitsuru: Do you remember?
Hiro: Nope.
Futoshi: Hey Kokoro, do you remember that time when...
Past Futoshi: Promise we'll be partners forever?
Past Kokoro: I promise we'll be partners forever!
Kokoro: Nope!
Futoshi: But that was literally five minutes ago!
Kokoro: Oh yeah... Of course we'll be partners forever.
Futoshi: Phew, For a second I was afraid that-
Kokoro: Hey Mitsuru, wanna be my partner?
Futoshi in the distance: Kokoro, what the fuck?!
Ichigo: You see, I've always thought of you as a brother.
Hiro: You mean like the normal kind or the anime kind?
Ichi-NO: The anime kind.
Hiro: Argh, ew! EW!
Don't you have anyone else that likes you anyway?
Ichigo: Well, now that you mention it...
Goro: So, I think I have feelings for you.
Like... I kind of like you.
I love you. I'm-I'm telling you I love you.
BITCH I'D STRANGLE A HUNDRED BABIES JUST TO HAVE A SINGLE DAY WITH YOU!
Ichigo: Yeah, I don't think so.
...and that's why everyone thinks I'm best girl of this show!
Zero Two: Yeah, okay, whatever.
Ichigo: Look, I just want to ask you one thing. Just promise not to hurt Hiro, okay?
Zero-Two: Uhh, can you say that again? Ichigo: Was I not clear?
Zero-Two: No sorry, the aspect ratio keeps changing, so I have no idea what's going on.
Ichigo: Is this better? Zero-Two: Yeah, that's better.
Ichigo: Just promise not to hurt Hiro, okay?
Zero-Two: *Sigh* I promise I won't hurt Hiro.
I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU, YOU SON OF A BITCH!
Hiro's Thoughts: Well, looks like my life is flashing before my eyes now.
Young Hiro: Hey look! Is that a new Pokemon?
*Baby Zero-Two's adorable baby sounds*
Hiro's Thoughts: Oh no, she's too cute... MUST... SUPPRESS...
THE HNNNGGG...
*Baby Zero-Two crying*
*Hiro breathes in*
*Hiro breathes out*
*Hiro breathes in*
HHHHHHHHNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGG
Female Newscaster: Scientists are investigating a worldwide epidemic causing sudden heart attacks. The cause is still unknown.
Zero-Two: So you were my darling all along! Now we can always be together!
Ichigo: You're never being together again!
Zero-Two: Just who do you think you are?
Ichigo: Ichigo! Zero-Two: Ichigo? More like Ichi-
HOE GET THE FUCK OUTTA MY FACE BEFORE I SMACK THE BLUE RIGHT OUT OF YOUR DISCOUNT REM HAIRCUT!
Ichigo: Just try it!
Zero-Two: Oh, you're gonna stop me? Ichigo: Y-Yeah.
Zero-Two: What'cha gonna do? Set your ten existing fanboys on me?
Ichi-Fanboy: Hey, there are actually like... 12 of us, you know
Ichigo: Oh yeah? Well, Zero-Two...
more like Zero...Poo!
Goro: ooooOOOH ROASTED!
Zero-Poo: Bitch, what'd you say to me!? Ichi-hoe: You heard me!
Zero-Two: You know what?! Why do you Ichigo-fuck yourself!
Ichigo: Hiro doesn't want to see you!
Zero-Two: Yes, he does! Ichigo: I'll stop him!
Zero-Two: I'd like to see you try!
*collective sounds of the internet's reaction to this*
*collective sounds of the internet's reaction to this* *basically riot sounds.*
Ichigo: haha jk, eveything's sorted now! There was no reason to panic!
*Fire crackling, sirens*
Hiro: Well this is awkward.
Hiro: *Incoherent babbling* Zero-Two: *Incoherent babbling*
Hiro & Zero-Two: *Incoherent crying and screaming*
[KISS OF DEATH - Mika Nakashima x Hyde]
Zero-Two: Well, that's my character done for the rest of the series! Who else wants some development?
Kokoro: I do! I want to make a baby!
Mitsuru: Uh, how do we do that?
Kokoro: Apparently, I just blow your crotch which makes a bone, and then you stick that bone between my legs and pee.
Mitsuru: Okay, but there are two dangly balls down there too... do I stick them in as well?
Kokoro: Probably. Better put everything in just to be safe.
[KISS OF DEATH]
Mitsuru: That was amazing!
Kokoro: Yeah! And now, you can look forward to paying a lifetime's worth of child support!
*Mitsuru and Kokoro laughing*
Mitsuru: What's child support?
Kokoro: I'd like to declare that we're getting married!
Futoshi: *Whining* But Kokoro why am I not the one you're getting married with?
Mitsuru: Ha! Futoshi, you couldn't fuck your way out of a wet dream.
Ichigo: Aww, this is beautiful. And look, even Futoshi's keeping it together!
*Futoshi crying on the inside*
Futoshi's Thoughts: What is the point of living anymore!?
SWAT: Stop! You are under arrest for the illegal spreading of cooties!
Hiro: Papa, did you really arrest them for spreading cooties?
Papa: Spreading what?
Hiro: Cooties! You know? That thing you spread when two people kiss and rub their bodies together?
*Papa and the rest of APE laughing*
Papa: Son. At our age, we just call that chlamydia.
Zorome: Just tell us how much longer we have to do this!
Papa: Dr. Franxx's been around since the beginning so he can tell you everything.
APE Executive: So doctor, why did you design the Franxx's piloting system to resemble two people having anal sex?
Franxx: Well, you see the Franxx are actually Klaxosaurs. Through experimentation, we found the strain on a single pilot is too much
So we needed to implement a dual-pilot system with male-female pairs. Thus spreading the load for each individual.
It is all perfectly scientific.
APE: Okay... Well, why did you design the Franxx's piloting system to resemble two people having anal sex.
Franxx: Yes.
Klaxosaur Princess: I'll take over from here!
Hiro: Who are you?
Klaxosaur Princess: You may call me the Klaxosaur Princess!
Hiro: I will call you Zero-Blue
Zero-Blue: I'm here to fight against the true enemy. The one that's been beneath our noses this entire time.
You thought we were the bad guys. But in reality... It's...
ALIENS!
Everyone: What
Nine-Alpha: You fuckin' what, mate?
Hachi: Nani?!
Goro: What are you, fucking morons?
Hiro: But why?
Zero-Blue: Because Trigger!
Hiro: Ohhhhhh, that makes sense.
Zero-Blue: No it doesn't. Hiro: No it doesn't.
*Lasers and explosions*
Zero-Two: Don't worry, I can take over!
*More lasers and explosions*
Hiro: You did it, Zero-Two!
Zero-Two?
: Zero-Two.exe has stopped working :
Goro: Zero-Two's out of commission, we can't grow any food and we're running out of fresh water. What's the plan?
Hiro: I'm going to space!
Goro: Okay... I'll pretend for a moment that we're all desperately trying to not starve to death and keep humanity from the brink of extinction
But please. Tell us what's so important that you need to abandon us to fuck off into space.
Hiro: Because I made a pinky promise!
*Punch*
Goro: I have maxed out on handling your shit, Hiro!
Ichigo: No, we're coming to space too! Hiro: But why?
Goro: Yeah, fucking why?!
Ichigo: Because Trigger!
Hiro: Ohhhhhh, that makes sense.
Ichigo: No it doesn't. Hiro: No, it doesn't.
*Everyone laughing*
Goro: This is a stupidest idea I've ever heard, and I hope we all die a horrible death.
[Sorairo Days plays]
Hiro: Zero-Two, where are you?!
Zero-Two: Here I am, darling!
Everyone: Zero-Two!
Hiro: Why are you a giant robot now?
Zero-Two: Because Trigger!
Hiro: Ohhhhhhh, that makes sen-
Goro: No! NO! IT'S DOESN'T MAKE SENSE!
WE ARE FLOATING THROUGH SPACE! FIGHTING ALIENS!
WITH A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT-UNICORN-WAIFU! HOW DID WE GET HERE?! HOW?!
ARE NONE OF YOU REMOTELY CONCERNED BY THE ABSURDITIES OF THESE PAST FEW DAYS?!
IS NO ONE GONNA ACKNOWLEDGE THIS?!
Ichigo: You look great, Zero-Two!
Futoshi: Yeah! It's great to see you again!
Goro: Stop! STOP! DON'T IGNORE ME!
Zero-Two: I think I've gained a few pounds since we last saw each other, huh?
*Everyone laughing*
Goro: Why are you laughing!? This isn't funny! STOP LAUGHING! STOP!
TURN THAT FUCKING HAPPY MUSIC OFF!
WHERE THE HELL IS DR. FRANXX TO EXPLAIN EVERYTHING?!
Dr. Franxx: Ahahahaha! I do not understand anything at all!
*Squeaky toy*
Futoshi: Guys, come on! We need to help Zero-Two!
Mitsuru: We can get through to them with the power of friendship!
Goro: FRIENDSHIP?! These robots run on doggy-style!
Mitsuru: Zero-Two!
*Everyone chanting Zero-Two*
Goro: Is this it? Is this *really* how we're gonna end it?! The plot holes in this story are so fucking large
I DON'T KNOW IF WE'RE IN SPACE, OR THE GODDAMN WRITER'S ROOM!
DID I SIT THROUGH 24 EPISODES FOR THIS?!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Ichigo: Now that Hiro's gone, I can finally be with you.
Goro: Alright, I guess it wasn't that bad.
Zero-Two: Did you enjoy riding me till the end, darling?
Hiro: I sure did Zero-Two. Thank you.
For showing me something so beautiful...
Wait a minute.
It was a sex metaphor this entire time!
Gigguk: Hey guys! Hope you enjoyed that video!
Thank you very much this month to:
and everyone else on patreon for helping to support me for this month and making this video possible!
And of course my amazing cast for making this video as good as it was! You guys did great!
Sorry it's been a while since my last upload, I know it's been like a month now, but big projects like animated minutes take a
huge amount of time to make and I had some smaller upload schedule for before but unfortunately that fell through so...
I hope this one video was worth the wait
I definitely wouldn't be able to take the time to do bigger projects like this without steady patreon keeping me going
So thanks all you like who support me and allow me to do this kind of thing
The next "Anime in Minutes" will be out when it's out. It never goes anywhere for those of you think it's canceled
It's just about me finding time to be able to make one of these videos. So yeah, I think that's everything for today
I've been Gigguk, and I will see you all next time.