- Hello, my name is Connor.
I'm 20 years old, I'm an ex-Atheist
and I currently identify as Christian.
- Hi, my name is Brian Morgan, I'm 47 years old.
I'm an ex-Christian and I now identify
as somewhere between Agnostic, Atheist,
Spiritual, somewhere in there.
(gentle music)
- Where did you grow up?
I was born and raised in Shrewsbury, Massachusetts.
It's very suburban, so when I say Massachusetts,
everyone thinks Boston but it's an hour west of Boston
and it's a pretty large suburban town,
mostly white people so I ran for the hills,
literally metaphorically.
- I grew up in Washington State, moved around a lot,
all over the west coast.
I think Wyoming is as far east as I went as a kid,
but yeah, mostly west coast, Washington, kinda a home base.
What was your primary religion growing up?
- My mom identifies as Catholic,
but she never pushed the religion on to me.
For the longest time I was actually,
when I was little I didn't think about it,
but then once I started becoming a teenager
and developing my own ideas and identifying
as who I am as a gay man, I kinda thought religion
was terrifying, especially of the things that I heard.
I thought I wanted to avoid that at all costs
and I didn't want to identify as that,
so that's why I was strictly Atheist
and I was a proud Atheist.
- Christianity, mostly evangelical Christianity,
little bit of Baptist, little bit of nondenominational.
I had leadership roles growing up the church,
just in high school even.
I was head of some youth group functions
and things like that.
I had a father figure as a youth pastor
and that led me into becoming a youth pastor myself,
right out of college for two years.
It was not a good fit (laughs).
It was something I idealized in this person
and I thought I could be like him
and it just, I wasn't cut out for it.
- What led you to change your beliefs?
The defining moment was when I moved
to San Diego actually last year.
I was in Uber driver and I was talking
to the Uber about religion and all this stuff,
and we got talking and I loved what she was saying
and it was very open and the same mindset
and idea that I had but instead of being Atheist
she was Christian and she actually brought me to church.
So I went to church with the Uber driver
and after that I literally got the "Bible"
and I started reading the "Bible"
and I started going to church with her and all this stuff.
It sounds like it was a quick easy change,
before that I was kind of, it was in my mind,
but she really guided me and also she showed me
this path that wasn't.
She was an normalized and an easy going
and accepting Christian so I was like,
"Okay, I can be this and I like this.
"It's a comforting idea".
Now it's funny, every Uber driver I get in,
I'm like this is a lasting hero.
I actually believe Ubers are God sent.
- So this is tricky.
It happened instantaneously and over time.
I think the biggest precipitating factor
was about three years ago.
A big job change was gonna happen.
I had some prophecies that told me
that that was going to happen
and then that all fell through.
And so it got me questioning why did that happen?
Why did these prophecies happen?
Why did God tell me this was gonna happen
and then it didn't?
And then I turned that pain outward
and looked into the world.
The question of suffering just was never
thoroughly answered for me.
Why doesn't He take care of cancer?
Why doesn't He take care of kids getting shot in schools?
And it was painful to see that God didn't care.
- What does your family think of your change of beliefs?
- It's funny, I kinda like came out
as a Christian to my family which was a little funny.
My mom, once again, she was never pushing religion
on to me but when I told her I think she was happy
just because I think just finding religion
for her means finding a path
and finding guidance and things,
especially with the things I was going through.
I thought she thought it was good for me and it was.
My sisters were skeptical 'cause my sisters are Athiests
so they were like what's going on here,
but they're all very accepting and my grandma loves it.
- This one's kinda tough because we're in process right now.
I have four kids, teens and adults,
and they are mostly dealing okay with it,
although there's some sticking points.
I was nervous, especially telling the kids.
When I made the decision though, it was a positive decision.
I felt free and I was excited to share
that freedom with others but at the same time
it was complicated.
- How has your life changed since you switched your beliefs?
It's funny, I've always been a grateful
and appreciative boy and everything,
but now more than ever, I thank God for everything.
Even a bed and food, there's like this whole opportunity
is amazing and I see everything also
as this higher power of the divine timing of it.
This is supposed to be happening.
Even though crazy things happen,
things suck when they happen but God has lessons
to be taught and to be learned and I look at it that way.
So now I look at everything as a learning opportunity
and I truly believe that this
is all supposed to be happening
and that even right now there's something to be learned
or even on the walk here there was something to be learned
so it's kinda like I'm more open and more reflective
I guess on things and I'm looking at things
from a larger perspective,
not just me and my own life, very small.
There's a bigger thing going on here.
- I'm in the middle of this (laughs).
So the change, I don't know yet how it's changed.
It still feels very fresh.
It's mostly like positive energy I'm feeling right now.
Just this freedom to explore who I am.
I'm asking myself, for the first time,
what do I want, where as for the longest time
it was what do other people want
and how do I serve other people,
and the first shall be last, et cetera.
Things that I used to believe
that's kept me non-autonomous
and I'm becoming more autonomous and more myself.
What role, if any, does spirituality play in your life?
- Spirituality is huge, I think it's all connected.
I think spirituality is the same as God,
is the same as Buddha, is the same as Allah.
I think it's all just one big thing.
I think it's just the identification of it
is changing between people but I think also,
that now more than ever spirituality
is becoming this thing and I think religion
is kinda taking a downfall because I think religion
can be intimidating.
I'm a very spiritual person but I just identify it
as God and Jesus Christ and Mother Mary.
- I've used this word several times, process.
I'm in process now and spirituality to me
means things like listening when friends tell me
what my astrological sign means.
I don't know if I believe that yet,
but I'm at least contemplating that.
I think that there's a connection, for sure,
in the Universe and between people.
There's so much order and beauty,
and I think that things in
this universe gravitate toward that
and so there's some kind of force
that is behind that, I'm not sure what that is.
I don't know if it's intelligent
or if it's just science, or what.
Life is beautiful and I'm glad to be a part of it.
What is the biggest misconception about your beliefs?
- I think some of the misconceptions are actually truths,
which is the scary part,
which is why I was Atheist at first.
There's extremist for everything and anything,
and especially with religions,
but I think what people fail to look at and realize
is that that's not everyone's relationship with God.
Misconceptions are based off of the people
that are just talking louder than everyone else.
There's a lot of racist Christians,
a lot of homophobic Christians, transphobic Christians,
and it's like, "You're not listening
"to what we're saying, you're interpreting this "Bible"
"to be what you want".
I don't believe that God would want you to hate someone.
I think that's the complete opposite idea for religion.
- I think a lot of people think
that something bad must have happened.
That I'm jaded, that somebody burned me
and it's none of those things.
It's just that I started listening
to my own thoughts and giving them credit.
- What do you think about people
who believe differently than you?
I love it, now that I did see change,
I'm always open to learning other things
and I love admitting that I'm wrong.
I love changing because that's the point of life.
I think there's growth here and I think all this stuff
and I think that's how you become the best person you can be
is changing and learning and growing from everyone.
- I think I'm more open to people
who believe differently than me now.
Since I'm kind of in this rebound phase right now
I'm a little, not jaded, toward my past beliefs
and Christianity but I'm finding myself
not gravitating toward people who believe those things.
That'll probably change over time.
So I'd say my tolerance level is a little less
for my past beliefs than it is toward beliefs
I don't understand yet.
- What do you think is after death?
That's hard, I think about that often,
especially because my sister passed away.
It sounds like some people it sounds crazy to,
but I do feel her all the time.
She sends me little signs and it's like,
call me crazy, but it's through music,
or through anything, it's undeniable.
I truly believe there is an afterlife,
what it is I'm not sure of.
I think that reincarnation is possible,
'cause I think energy's neither created nor destroyed,
so it's all circling somewhere.
Heaven and hell seems insane to me.
Maybe a heaven, I don't think anyone
would ever go to hell.
It seems kind of barbaric.
- I don't know is the best answer to this
but these are my guesses right now
is that we're all part of something bigger
and our thoughts, or physicality,
our essence, at least has a mark on the universe.
I don't think there's an afterlife.
I don't think there's a heaven
where we all get to walk on the streets of gold,
or things like that,
but I think what we do is important
and that it will always be important.
I used to believe that this life was only
a shadow of the future.
That this was the thing we had to endure
to get to the better thing in the future
and this is beautiful right now
and it's worth living.
- What would you say to someone who is questioning?
- I would say just to be open and to learn
and to not, it's good to take in other people's perspectives
and other people's opinions but have tunnel vision
on your goals and on what you want to come out of this
because I was influenced by someone else,
but I took what I wanted,
and then it wasn't completely her decision.
There's a lot of things in the organized religion
of Christianity that I don't agree with
so try to focus on your own personal relationship
with the God or the Spirit, or whatever you choose
because if you're influenced by others
I think that's when it gets lost in the sauce
and you become this kind of extremist
or you become this crazy person
and I think that's what you don't wanna become.
- To someone who's questioning
I would say keep questioning.
Trust your instincts, you're smart,
you're capable, you are good, exactly as you are
and your thoughts are good.
Your questions are good, don't be afraid of them.
(gentle music)