- And the Masters of the Universe.
I'm Adam, Prince of Eternia
and defender of the Secrets of Castle Grayskull.
This is Kringer, my fearless friend.
Fabulous secret powers were revealed to me
the day I held aloft my magic sword
and said, "By the power of Greyskull."
I have the power!
- And the 2016 Arthur Ashe Courage Award goes to.
Something tells me he may have a couple
Skeletors in his closet.
That's not Ellen DeGeneres on steroids, that's Angelo.
And sure, flawlessly lip syncing
in a homemade He-Man costume is impressive
but it barely scratches the surface
of what he has to offer.
Angelo is a former teen heart throb that was in Manudo.
The Latino boy band
not the tasty Mexican soup
made from cow stomachs and cilantro.
Unlike Ricky Martin
he wasn't able to parlay his traumatic childhood
into Living La Vida Loca money.
I don't have any repressed memories
because I haven't allowed some therapist
to dig through my brain and plant any.
A repressed memory can be triggered by anything.
A smell, a taste, an episode of Fat Albert.
Nostalgia was invented by BuzzFeed
to trick you into clicking on their poorly written articles.
I refuse to use the work listicles.
And stop saying your childhood
is being destroyed by Hollywood reboots.
If your favorite memory as a kid is a cartoon
your past isn't worth remembering.
But Angelo and I have a lot in common.
We're both 80s kids who attended UCF
and now entertain the masses
by squeezing our hot bods into tiny costumes.
That's why I flew him to West Hollywood
where I couldn't believe he didn't live already
for this week's celebrity profile.
(audience applauds)
God bless ma and pa
and that adorable brunette in the AT&T commercials.
And as always, please send my favorite member of Menudo
Ricky Martin to come visit me.
If not Ricky then Draco Rosa.
Or in a pinch, I'll even take Angelo Garcia.
Amenudo.
(wind chimes tinkling)
Are you a fairy?
- We don't really like to use that term.
- No, like an actual fairy.
- Oh yeah!
Sorry. - I have some extra pjs
if you wanna get in bed.
Explain to me what Menudo is.
- Menudo is a boy band based in Puerto Rico
and we were the biggest selling Latin boy band
in the history of music.
As soon as you began puberty
and started growing facial hair and body hair
they would give the oldest member a farewell concert.
And they would introduce a new younger member.
- A guy with no hair.
Would you let your kid be in Menudo?
- No.
- Why?
- When I got in Menudo my childhood ended
and I had to begin the schedule of an adult.
Waking up at 5:00 AM to do the 6:00 AM morning show.
- You were on Regis.
- Are the girls leaving you alone?
- Of course not, they take care of me.
I love them.
- Are you gay?
- Bisexual.
- Did you have these feelings when you were 11 in Menudo?
- I did have feelings.
I was attracted to both sexes
however, when you're 11 you don't understand
what that is. - Of course not.
You were in Menudo with Ricky Martin.
Were you so happy when he came out?
- I was so proud of him.
- 'Cause he waited a long time.
- I feel that he was protecting his music career
and at the time, I think Melissa Etheridge was out
and KD Lang and that was it.
- KD Lang?
You don't wanna compare Ricky Martin to KD Lang.
- Lesbianism was a lot more accepted.
The thought of two women together is actually appealing to--
- Unless it's KD Lang.
- (laughs) Unless it's KD Lang.
- When's the last time you spoke to Ricky?
- I ran into him and it was totally serendipitous.
I was staying at a mutual friend of all of ours
and all of a sudden I hear this voice
and I'm like that's Ricky.
Or, as we call him, Kiki.
- Kiki?
- That's his nickname, Kiki.
- (groans) To be on the inside of this.
- [Angelo] Kiki. - Kiki.
- I woke up and I open the door and he's standing there.
- Huge boner?
Just a normal boner in the morning?
- You know what, I actually do get morning wood.
- Of course.
I'm gonna name my boners Kiki.
(Men laugh)
Talk about some of the bad things
that have happened to you in your life.
Go ahead.
- Like, what do you mean?
Like, for real for real?
- Okay, yeah, give something real.
Let's see how I handle this.
- I was bullied as a child.
My dad died two or three days before Christmas.
I was sexually molested--
- Multiple times?
- A neighbor when I was eight.
And Menudo was somebody
that was friends within the administration.
And then it was a teacher.
All of a sudden one of those Orthodox Jews
with the curls walks in
and he starts fondling himself.
- Everything you say is a huge downer.
You should have your own Songza station.
You've done so many covers.
♪ If I leave here tomorrow ♪
♪ I ain't afraid of no ghost ♪
♪ Can it be ♪
♪ So call me maybe ♪
♪ Walk like an Egyptian ♪
♪ Here on Gillian's isle ♪
- Delusions of Grandeur, that's an original?
- Yeah, I wrote that. - You wrote that.
♪ Delusions of grandeur ♪
♪ Oh ♪
- It's so, so sexual.
There are people licking you.
- [Angelo] I'm a naturally sexual person.
- I think we all are.
- And so many people don't own that.
The reason why we exist
is because our parents (beep), you know?
- Whoa, don't talk about my family like that.
(Angelo laughs)
I wanna talk about your He-Man
but first of all, your cover song.
- It's had over 10 million views.
- Yeah, that's 'cause it's amazing.
- Of course, you got the haters
calling you (beep) and gay and this and that
but it's like, hello.
He-Man's like the gayest superhero ever.
I've gotten people that are like, oh my childhood's ruined.
(chuckles) Stuff like that.
- Wait'll they see what we're gonna do.
- [Announcer] Coming this fall
from Culver City's seedy downtown area
He-Man The Musical
The Sexual Masters of the Universe.
Starring Angelo Garacia.
- I am Adam, Prince of Eternia
and defender of the many secrets of Castle Gayskull.
Fabulous secrets were revealed to me
the day I held aloft my magic sword
♪ And learned there's a sexy buff dude ♪
♪ Waiting to come out ♪
♪ I just had to shout ♪
♪ By the power of Gayskull ♪
♪ I have the power ♪
- [Announcer] And Daniel Tosh as Skeletor.
♪ How I long for yesteryear ♪
♪ When I was a ripped god with a sick bod ♪
♪ But years of wars and reckless sex ♪
♪ Have wasted me away ♪
Help me, Beast Man.
- [Announcer] Don't miss all of your favorite
homoerotic characters from Eternia.
♪ He-Man is a gay man ♪
♪ He's perfect ♪
♪ He's hairless ♪
♪ He even has a cat ♪
♪ He-Man is a gay man ♪
- [Announcer] Action.
Adventure.
Abs.
♪ Battle Cat advance ♪
♪ Fisto stay behind me ♪
♪ As ever, you've got Fisto ♪
♪ Deep within your hiney ♪
- [Announcer] All the intrigue you'd expect
from something like this
with even more gay undertones than the original.
♪ Sometimes I forget why we even fight ♪
♪ Sometimes I think of you ♪
♪ When I go to bed at night ♪
♪ Kneel before me and surrender ♪
♪ Take off your pants, your ass looks tender ♪
♪ I don't have lips or much of a face ♪
♪ I could do worse ♪
♪ I want to be the master of your universe ♪
- [Announcer] Relive your childhood
exactly as you remember it.
♪ Will you take this He-Man ♪
♪ To be your man ♪
♪ I do ♪
(adience applauds)
- [Announcer] Featuring special guest
Ricky Martin as Orko.
♪ Un, dos, tre, ole, ole, ole ♪
♪ Un, deux, trois, ole, ole, ole ♪
- [Announcer] Get your ticket today.
Special discounts available for US military
and biracial beefcakes.
- Just more proof that I'm part of Hollywood's master plan
to turn your children into a bunch of queers.
(audience gasps)
♪ Tasting that food you left me ♪
(adience shouts)
♪ Our town ♪
(set crashes)
- Ah, the theater.
Has anyone ever actually enjoyed a play?
Of course not.
But when I found out those South Park guys
have made over 300 million dollars
from The Book of Mormon
I knew that musical theater was my true passion.
So I adapted my favorite TV show
into the stage production you're about to see.
Ladies and gentleman, I give you House Hunters The Musical.
(door bell rings)
- [Narrator] Jan is a school teacher
who is hoping her macaroni necklace line will take off.
Husband Martin is the food stocker for vending machines.
They live in Raleigh, North Carolina.
The most interesting thing about Raleigh
is that there are 42 people named Melinda
living within the city limits.
♪ These are our must haves ♪
♪ Our old place was feeling cramped ♪
♪ We need at least a two car garage ♪
♪ And we need four bedrooms ♪
- Why?
You've already had two miscarriages.
♪ Your body doesn't want you to conceive ♪
♪ I want Colonial ♪
♪ I want outta this marriage ♪
♪ No carpet and a room to make macaroni necklaces ♪
- Oh brother.
♪ But what is your budget ♪
♪ 300 to 350,000 ♪
(Daniel grimaces)
♪ I'll try ♪
- [Narrator] House number one.
♪ Notice open concept, hardwood floors ♪
♪ Back splash, the pantry ♪
♪ Pocket doors, it's everything you're looking for ♪
♪ Turn key, turn key ♪
♪ I'll finally have my weekends free ♪
♪ That's not a breakfast nook ♪
♪ It's just a corner of a kitchen ♪
♪ Maybe some bar stools will make it look bigger ♪
- Gross, I can see the neighbors.
♪ You know I'm not fond of stained glass ♪
♪ When I was an alter boy a priest licked my ass ♪
♪ I just need that wow factor ♪
- The last owner was a hoarder.
She had 459
♪ Cats ♪
- Wow.
(doorbell rings)
- [Narrator] House number two.
♪ It's got good bones, yes it does ♪
♪ It surely drank its milk ♪
(shoes tapping)
♪ There's room left in the budget ♪
♪ To get rid of the termites ♪
♪ There's room left in the budget ♪
♪ To add tray ceilings ♪
♪ There's room in the budget ♪
♪ To do some black mold tests ♪
♪ I think we'll build a skylight ♪
♪ I think we'll add a loft ♪
♪ I think we should just save the rest ♪
- (beep) that.
We are building a macaroni necklace studio.
- [Narrator] House number three.
♪ This one's over budget ♪
♪ But maybe they'll negotiate ♪
♪ Location, location, location ♪
♪ And good Christian neighbors ♪
♪ Who only believe in creation ♪
♪ The master bedroom's teeny tiny ♪
♪ The en suite's super grimy ♪
♪ Don't like the mix of tile and wood ♪
♪ Gut the floors, it'll do some good ♪
♪ God, please don't make me live my life on carpet ♪
♪ If it'll stop your bitching ♪
♪ We'll put in a nicer kitchen ♪
♪ I hate the paint ♪
♪ You stupid skank that's just cosmetic ♪
- Compromise!
♪ Or pray you have a wealthy relative who quickly dies ♪
♪ Check out the sink ♪
♪ Triple vanity bitches ♪
♪ Wow factor, you think ♪
♪ But there's more ♪
♪ Wait until you see what's behind that door ♪
♪ It's a bonus room ♪
♪ Did ya see the bonus room ♪
♪ It's a room that wasn't 'sposed to be there ♪
♪ Oh my lord, it's a bonus room ♪
♪ A macaroni necklace ♪ ♪ A man cave so I can jerk off ♪
♪ Room ♪ ♪ In peace ♪
♪ We've seen all the houses ♪
♪ And what they have inside ♪
♪ Now let's get drunk ♪
♪ and make the biggest decision of our lives ♪
♪ I want house number three ♪
♪ I want house number two ♪
♪ Three ♪
♪ Two ♪
♪ Three ♪
♪ Two ♪
♪ Three ♪ ♪ Two ♪
♪ Three ♪
♪ I'm paying for it ♪
♪ We'll go with one ♪
- [Narrator] Three months later
let's check in on our happy home owners.
♪ Jen is dead ♪
♪ I guess live threw me a curve ♪
♪ She choked on macaroni ♪
♪ So she got what she deserved ♪
♪ Now my man cave is haunted ♪
(man screams)
- [Narrator] Next, House Hunters International
travels to Italy.
♪ Our dumb house back in Kansas ♪
♪ Was a giant stinking turd ♪
♪ And now to think we could have our ♪
♪ Very own vineyard ♪
(audience applauds) - Thank you.
HGTV better send me a free house for that.