Alright, we all had that friend, growing up that had all the cool toys that you never had
You'd get all jealous like:
"Uh, cool, look, he's got a Nintendo 64 and I'm over here with three Lincoln Logs, cool!"
And that kid to me was my friend David
He had pretty much everything he wanted as a kid
For example, David had a bunk bed in his room
But David was an only child, so what the hell does he need a bunk bed for?
I didn't know all your stuffed animals needed a place to sleep, God forbid!
He had all the cool stuff, he could top whatever you had by far
You finally got that sweet holographic Charizard pokemon card?
Well, guess what, he's got three of them and they're all autographed by a..
Real life Charizard! Suck on that.
The dude had three Razor Mini Scooters, three of them!
"What do you need three Scooters for, David?"
"You have two legs on your body"
"You're not a goddamn millipede, you don't need mupltile scooters to ride around on"
But out of everything David had, the trampoline in his backyard was the best
The day he got it, all kids in the neighbourhood just marveled at it
"We can bounce up to the Moon on this damn thing!"
And boy, did we
We jumped on that thing, and jumped, and jumped and jumped our little asses off
We did that for like a whole fifteen minutes
"Alright, that was fun, now what do we do?"
"How about we try to hurt each other?"
"Ah, yeah I was thinking the same thing"
"Let's..Let's play a game, called Dropkick"
"How do you play Dropkick?"
"Oh, here, I'll show you!"
*Dropkicks Michael*
That was the name of our favourite game to play on the trampoline
Dropkick. Not the most clever name, but I got the point across
I'm gonna teach you guys, how to play Dropkick, alright?
Rule number one: Be a dumbass nine-year-old kid
Okay, check, we got that, well qualify
Rule number two: Try to injure your friends as much as possible (only using your feet)
Kick them in the teeth, kick them in the belly, knock the air out of them
"Ah, God, I think I'm gonna throw up"
Do anything you can to try to hurt your best friend
You made somebody bleed? Cool, that's one point!
You knocked the tooth out? Hey, that's two points, alright
Ah, look at that, they're comatose on the ground, well, guess what
You are the champion now
You'd have a kid wearing steel-toed boots
I got my baseball cleats on, ready to ruin somebody's life
Michael would be over there, and he's bare feet
So he could move faster, that's what he always said
"I have to be agile!"
"Yeah, Michael, cause God forbid, your knockoff Jordans are really gonna slow you down
"Michael, put your goddamn shoes on, for Christ's sake! You're freaking everybody out!
*Michael dropkicks Tyler*
"Jesus Christ, well, at least cut your damn toenails once in a while with your nasty wolverine feet"
"Ugh, you're disgusting!"
Rule number three: Don't touch the ground
Now, chances were that at some point somebody would kick you off the trampoline
If you touch the ground - you are out, you're done playing Dropkick for that round
"Michael, you're on the ground, you're out"
"No, I'm not, I'm in, I can still play"
"Michael, your leg is broken in half, dude, sit this one out, you lost!"
Sometimes you'd get kicked and you get lucky and be able to grab onto the chain-link fence
Your back would slide down at like a cheese grater
You fall back on the trampoline
You back's bleeding like a gunshot wound
"I'm still in, I'm in, okay? Careful where you step It's slippery, there's blood all over the place"
Then you'd have kids like my buddy's little brother, Matt
Who was like a whole 48 pounds at the time
His ass was so light, he'd jump up too high stiff breeze could carry him right over the fence
He had the hardest time playing Dropkick, because there wasn't any weight classes when we played
So little Matt there, he'd have to face off againt somebody like.. Like Corey
Who had the physique of a middle-aged garbage man
He's got like a hotdog in one hand
"Yeah, let's get it on!"
Corey couldn't even jump in the air, there's no way he was getting his big ass airborne
So he'd just fall on his butt, launch Matt into the stratosphere
*Matt screams*
"It's a technical knockout, Matt is disqualified"
"He didn't touch the ground"
"Yeah, well you're not supposed to be in the outer space either"
"He's disqualified, he's done!"
Rule number four, this is the final rule of Dropkick
Don't get hit by the big rock
Now you might be asking yourself: "Big rock? What big rock?"
Well, as if a bunch of nine-year-olds throwing their bodies around like a circus act wasn't dangerous enough
We'd put a big 16-pound garden rock on the trampoline
There you go, now you've got to dodge this big-ass bowling ball rock
While people are trying to kick you in the forehead
That sounds fun
This thing's flying through the air, landing on people's toes
You'd be looking the wrong way, big-ass rock comes out of nowhere
Breaks your pelvis
Little Matt's face is totally filled with terror
He knows if he gets hit with that damn rock, he's gonna..
He's gonna to explode on impact, that's what he's gonna do
We'd have David's mom come outside and check on us
"Hey, any of you guys want some lemonade?"
"No? Nobody? Ah, you boys and your silly games!"
We'd have other kids from the neighbourhood staring at us from a distance
"Oh my God, what are they doing?"
"Hey, you guys wanna play Dropkick?"
"Uhh, what's it called... Dropkick Garden Rock Trampoline Game?"
"Uhhh, no. We'll play hide-and-seek or something instead"
"Are you sure? It's really, really fun!"
"There's a dead kid over here!"
"Yeah, we know, he's disqualified!"
"Hey, you guys got any band-aids or some morphine?"
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