WELCOME, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
WELCOME, ONE AND ALL, TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
LOOK, I KNOW, I KNOW THAT ALL OF US HAVE BEEN SO CONCERNED THAT,
WITH JOHN BOLTON GONE, THERE IS NO NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISER.
THERE WAS NO ONE STEEPED IN ALL FACETS OF INTERNATIONAL
POLITICAL, MILITARY, AND ECONOMIC CONFLICT WHO COULD MAKE
SENSE OF A DANGEROUS WORLD AND GIVE OUR PRESIDENT THE ESSENTIAL
INFORMATION HE NEEDED TO COMPLETELY IGNORE AND TWEET
WHATEVER HE WANTS.
( LAUGHTER )
STOP WORRYING, BECAUSE THE POSITION HAS FINALLY BEEN
FILLED.
INTRODUCING FUTURE FORMER NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISER AND
PHOTO THAT COMES WITH THE PICTURE FRAME,
ROBERT C. O'BRIEN.
NOW, TRUMP MADE THE ANNOUNCEMENT ABOUT O'BRIEN IN LOS ANGELES,
WHICH EXPLAINS WHY THE GUY LOOKS LIKE THE SECOND MALE LEAD ON
"SUITS."
OF COURSE, THE NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISOR IS A CRITICAL MEMBER OF
THE ADMINISTRATION AND ONE OF THE MOST POWERFUL POSITIONS IN
THE WORLD.
SOMETHING THAT IMPORTANT SHOULD ONLY BE REVEALED VIA TWEET.
( AS TRUMP ) "I AM PLEASED TO ANNOUNCE THAT I
WILL NAME ROBERT C. O'BRIEN, CURRENTLY SERVING AS THE VERY
SUCCESSFUL SPECIAL PRESIDENTIAL ENVOY FOR HOSTAGE AFFAIRS AT THE
STATE DEPARTMENT, AS OUR NEW NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISOR.
I HAVE WORKED LONG AND HARD WITH ROBERT.
HE WILL DO A GREAT JOB!"
SO-- SO--
SO, THAT'S INTERESTING-- HE HIRED A HOSTAGE NEGOTIATOR,
SOMEONE WHO IS KNOWN TO TALK MADMEN DOWN FROM THE BRINK.
THAT WILL COME IN HANDY: "MISTER PRESIDENT, WE KNOW
YOU'RE LOCKED IN THE OVAL OFFICE, AND WE DON'T WANT YOU TO
DO SOMETHING YOU'LL REGRET.
THINK OF YOUR FAMILY-- WAIT, NO.
THINK OF SOMETHING YOU LOVE.
THINK OF-- THINK OF A BUCKET OF FRIED CHICKEN, SIR!
THINK OF THE NUGGETS."
( LAUGHTER )
WITH O'BRIEN BEFORE, MOST RECENTLY, WHEN PRESIDENT TRUMP
SENT HIM AS A SPECIAL ENVOY TO A$AP ROCKY'S SWEDISH ASSAULT
TRIAL.
I DID NOT REALIZE THAT A$AP ROCKY WAS BEING HELD HOSTAGE.
WHAT WAS SWEDEN ASKING FOR IN RETURN?
"MAMA MIA III?"
BUT HOSTAGE NEGOTIATOR DOESN'T SEEM LIKE A NATURAL RESUME FOR
NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISER.
SO, WHAT POSSIBLY BROUGHT HIM TO TRUMP, BROUGHT HIM TO TRUMP'S
ATTENTION, AT THIS CRITICAL JUNCTURE?
WELL, YESTERDAY, TRUMP TOLD REPORTERS, "ROBERT O'BRIEN SAID,
'TRUMP IS THE GREATEST HOSTAGE NEGOTIATOR IN HISTORY.'
HE HAPPENS TO BE RIGHT."
( LAUGHTER )
NEGOTIATOR TRUMP (AS TRUMP)
"OH, YOU HAVE A LIST OF DEMANDS?
I HAVE A FEW OF MY OWN.
FIRST, YOU HAVE TO ADMIT THAT "THE APPRENTICE" WENT WAY
DOWNHILL WITH ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER.
OKAY, HE LIT A FIRE."
NOW, WHEN-- TWO OVER THERE.
THEN TRUMP APPEARED WITH O'BRIEN ON A NOISY TARMAC AT L.A.X. FOR
A WEST COAST EPISODE OF: >> "CHOPPER TALK"
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
HIGH IN THE MIDDLE EAST EVER SINCE THE FALL OF JERICHO,
BUT MORE RECENTLY, SINCE AN ATTACK ON SAUDI OIL REFINERIES
THAT THE SAUDIS BLAME ON IRAN.
SO FAR, TRUMP HAS DECLINED TO ORDER MILITARY ACTION IN
RESPONSE, WHICH SENATOR LINDSEY GRAHAM CALLED A SIGN OF
WEAKNESS.
BUT TRUMP POINTED OUT, NUH-UH: >> I ACTUALLY THINK IT'S A SIGN
OF STRENGTH.
WE HAVE THE STRONGEST MILITARY IN THE WORLD NOW.
AND, UH, I THINK IT'S A GREAT SIGN OF STRENGTH.
IT'S VERY EASY TO ATTACK AND, YOU KNOW, THERE'S PLENTY OF TIME
TO DO SOME DASTARDLY THINGS.
( LAUGHTER )
I'M NOT SAYING ATTACKING IRAN IS RIGHT, BUT I'VE NEVER HEARD THE
COMMANDER IN CHIEF CALL U.S.
MILITARY ACTION "DASTARDLY."
HE SOUNDS LIKE THE VILLAIN IN A 1930'S TWO-REELER.
(AS VILLAIN) "YOU MUST BOMB IRAN."
(AS DAMSEL) "I CAN'T BOMB IRAN."
(AS VILLAIN) "YOU MUST BOMB IRAN."
(AS DAMSEL) "I CAN'T BOMB IRAN."
(AS TRUMP) "I'LL BOMB IRAN."
(AS DAMSEL) "MY HERO!"
(AS VILLAIN) "CURSES!
HE'S THE GREATEST NEGOTIATOR OF ALL TIME.
WAIT, WAIT!
SHE'LL STILL TIED TO THE RAILROAD TRACK.
MR. PRESIDENT."
THEN, TRUMP THREATENED THAT THINGS-- WELL, THEY COULD GET
SERIOUS.
>> WELL, THERE ARE MANY OPTIONS, AS YOU KNOW, PHIL.
THERE ARE MANY OPTIONS.
THERE IS THE ULTIMATE OPTION, AND THERE ARE OPTIONS A LOT LESS
THAN THAT.
>> WHEN YOU SAY THE "ULTIMATE OPTION," ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT--
>> NO, I'M SAYING THE ULTIMATE OPTION.
I MEAN GO IN-- WAR.
I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT-- I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT THAT ULTIMATE
OPTION.
>> Stephen: OKAY, BY DEFINITION, THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE ULTIMATE
OPTION.
THERE CAN BE AN ALTERNATE OPTION, BUT THERE CAN'T BE AN
ALTERNATE ULTIMATE OPTION.
WHAT DOES TRUMP THINK THE OTHER "ULTIMATE OPTION" IS?
(AS TRUMP) "IT'S EITHER GO TO WAR, OR THE
ULTIMATE OPTION: POWER STEERING AND THE SUN ROOF.
IT ALWAYS LEAKS, BUT IT'S NICE."