- So, I'm in a new relationship.
(air horns blast) (people cheer)
Thank you. Thank you.
I know. I have finally intentionally entered a relationship
that's not a trauma bond.
Stop it. You guys stop it, please, please.
But you know, this also means...
all my trauma has been activated.
And I have been acting like,
for lack of a better term, a little bitch.
My partner and I planned our first vacation together
and we were very excited,
but right before, we had this rupture.
We repaired and it seemed like it was all good,
except I really wanted to have like, one more talk about it.
I practiced this talk in the mirror.
I worked on it with my therapist,
but then like right before vacation,
I kind of just rationalized--
I'll just wait until after the trip to bring it up.
Like the dumb little bitch that I am.
So instead of having a talk that would just alleviate
all of my lingering residual, icky, bad feelings,
instead I chose to bottle it up
and I figured -- I can revisit those when we return.
I didn't want to ruin vacation.
Right?
RIGHT?
I ruined vacation.
I just kept picking fights.
And to my partner's credit, they were very communicative
and did not understand what was happening,
but wanted to know what was happening,
but I just kept picking fights.
About anything.
So would you let me peg you?
- Do you want to peg me?
- No.
- Then why are you-
- I just want to know that I can!
- Well, I don't think I'm comfortable with that,
especially since you don't even care.
- So you wouldn't want to do that?
- You don't want to do that!
- That's irrelevant!
- No, it's very relevant right now.
- No, it's not.
- It is, 'cause we're talking- - No it's not.
- Are we not talking- - No it's not.
- That's not what we're talking-
- If you love me, you have to let me peg you.
- But-
- I mean I won't do it,
but I want to know that you're gonna let me do it.
I was on one and I could not come off
and I could feel myself being so stupid and annoying,
but I couldn't stop.
What's your passcode?
- Why?
- I want to know.
- I don't...I like privacy.
- Oh really? You like privacy?
What happens if you die?
How am I gonna call your mom?
- I mean, yeah, that's a good point.
I guess I could send you her contact info.
- Man you're hiding something.
- Babe, I'm not hiding anything. I promise.
It's just like my crypto.
- Ohhh, this is about your crypto?
- It sounds dumb, but yeah!
- Oh, you really think I can steal your crypto, babe?
I can't even use any interface except for Coinbase.
I tried to use KuCoin and I started crying!
I gave away all the passwords to all my wallets!
- Yeah. I don't want you to do that to any of my holdings.
- You're cheating on me.
You're definitely cheating on me.
- I'm not!
- Yep. - No!
- Yep. - No.
- You're cheating on me. - No.
- Then give me your password.
- No.
- Now, I'm a strong believer in like calling out everything,
you know, every behavior, whatever.
But wow. I was honestly insufferable.
I think I deserve to be called out harder
than anyone has been called out before,
'cause I was like 13 trying to test someone's boundaries
to get them to prove that they loved me.
And then, it got worse.
I got drunk.
I got really, really drunk on the plane.
And then that is when the talk
I wanted to have really came out.
And what I was upset about finally just was like, blech.
I'm a loud person.
So I just started yelling at my partner,
in front of people, drunk on a plane.
(Thank you for not dumping me, again, I'm very sorry.)
So, in talking to my therapist,
why do you pick fights with your significant other?
Because your feelings demand to be expressed.
And if you don't express them in a regulated, calm state,
they will come out wherever they can,
without any regard for how tactful or not they're being,
no (beep) given about the time, place, location,
and certainly it is not going to end well.
So you can either have the hard conversation...
So we've been dating for three months
and you haven't brought up commitment at all,
so I'm feeling a little insecure.
Or you can wait for your feelings to do it for you...
You don't care about me!
You can have the conversation...
- Look, I love you, but I just need some space sometimes.
It has nothing to do with you.
It's just, I need to to be alone.
- Or the conversation can have you...
- Get the hell away from me!
I swear to (beep)ing God,
if I see your (beep)ing face one more time!
- So if you find yourself being like me,
which is just a testy little snippy bitch picking fights,
you know, maybe just dig through
the seeds of your resentment and then have a talk.
And better yet, skip the fights
by just having the fucking talk.
I'm Anna Akana and thank you to the Patrons
who supported today's video.
Thank you to my partner for not dumping me.
And thank you to BetterHelp for sponsoring today's episode.
Do you need help navigating life struggles,
pinpointing what's interfering with your happiness
or creating patterns that help serve your life more?
Well, BetterHelp can assess your needs
and match you with your own licensed therapist.
And you can start communicating within 48 hours.
The professional counseling that is done securely online
with a broad range of expertise,
BetterHelp has more than 15,000 counselors in their network
that otherwise may not
be locally available in many areas.
You can log into your account anytime
and send a message to your counselor.
Plus schedule a weekly video or phone session.
Plus BetterHelp offers more affordable access
than traditional online counseling
and financial aid is available.
BetterHelp wants you to start living
a happier, more fulfilled life today.
You can go to betterhelp.com/akana,
That's better H-E-L-P and join over 1 million people
taking charge of their mental health
with the help of an experienced professional.
Go to betterhelp.com/akana to sign up today
and get 10% off your first month.
Bye.