Translator: Laura Ferrari Reviewer: Fabiana Lorena Zuccatto
I'd like to tell you that I always hated numbers.
Unfortunately, I attended an accounting high school,
so I basically hated going to school.
I remember writing in my bench the countdown of the minutes left
until the bell rang and the class ended.
So, when I finished high school,
I quickly went to social sciences and got a degree in Psychology.
I wanted to do something creative, fun,
that everyone liked.
So I specialized in sex therapy.
I started seeing patients and getting enquiries on social media.
And I stumbled upon several questions.
Such as,
"how often should I have sex with my partner?"
"Why do I reach orgasm faster when I masturbate
than when I have sex with someone?"
And one that is not a question, but I receive it very often, is:
"I'm a premature ejaculator, help!"
(Laughter)
The last question that I receive almost daily is:
"What size should my penis be?"
As if there was a quality control before the penis is out in the market.
(Laughter)
These questions resonated with me.
These matters of time, frequency, speed, mass.
(Laughter)
And, first, I started feeling like I was in high school again.
Then, I realized that these questions we ask ourselves
about sexuality, we ask them with the idea that there is a formula.
A general, invariable recipe,
and if we follow instructions thoroughly,
we'll get the correct result.
What we do is measure sexuality.
And we think of it as if it was an equation.
First, we think that a sexual situation requires a certain amount of time.
We're talking 20 minutes average...
on penetration.
Which includes a penis, always erect,
that is about 20 centimetres long.
Nobody knows where they're going to put it.
But we think it should be approximately 20 centimetres long.
And there's a vagina, which is expected to be wet.
Again, nobody knows how lubrication works.
But it has to be wet.
And we're talking about a penis and a vagina
because we understand heterosexuality as normative.
We expect this we'll give us, as a result,
an orgasm.
(Applause)
And if it happens simultaneously: love.
We all believe we're in love.
(Laughter)
We'll repeat this equation three times a week.
I'd love to tell you it'll be for the rest of your lives,
but we think elderly people don't have sex.
(Laughter)
So we'll repeat it until we're 60, or 65.
Now, what happens
when we can't reach one of these variables?
Or what happens if we follow this equation very precisely,
but the end result is not as expected?
What we will think,
the first thing that will come to mind, will be:
"There's something wrong with me. I'm not normal. I'm flawed."
What I'd like to tell you today
is that you're not the one that's flawed.
It's this equation that is flawed.
So, how about we redesign it?
(Applause)
Just like I counted the minutes left
until the school bell rang,
we do something very similar in bed.
It's a known fact that men have an issue with ejaculating early.
So, for example, a male patient comes to my office
and he's worried about this issue
and I ask him: "Tell me how the encounter was.
Your last sexual encounter."
And he replies: "The first time, I lasted two or three minutes.
The second time I lasted a bit longer."
Men are not present in the sexual situation.
They're not having sex with you.
Men are struggling inside their head
with the idea of not having to ejaculate.
And, in order to do that, they begin to develop a number of techniques.
Like, thinking about something unpleasant, breathing, staying still.
(Laughter)
It's as if they wanted to gain time,
to level up before it's game over.
(Laughter)
On the other hand, women experience something ridiculously opposite.
Women pressure themselves to orgasm quickly.
That's why we never talk about female prematurity.
So, a female patient will come to my office and say:
"I masturbate but I can't reach an orgasm."
"But, what happens when you're in that situation?"
"I'm touching myself, I get frustrated, and I know I'm not going to orgasm."
"But, how do you know? How do you feel?"
"I start to think that I'm taking too long..."
"How long?"
"I don't know, like 5 or 10 minutes."
We measure sex. And we measure it in time.
Now, let me tell you
if you're in a sexual situation and, instead of being focused
and connected with you erotic sensations,
you're measuring time in your head,
it will increment your anxiety.
And anxiety affects sexual response.
So all the things you don't want to happen, will happen.
Men will probably ejaculate prematurely
or lose the erection.
In women, arousal will be inhibited and it'll be harder to reach an orgasm.
So, how about we, instead of worrying about time,
worry about being relaxed?
Which is the best state to be in if you're going to bed with somebody.
Let's change the first variable of the equation to "relaxed state."
So we can move on
to the central variable of sexuality:
penetration.
Because, if there's one thing we associate sex with,
it's penetration, isn't it?
That's why we say "to bone."
(Laughter)
Penetration works quite well for men.
The penis has the biggest amount of nerve endings on the glans area.
So what men very cleverly do is:
in penetration, the tip of the penis is stimulated and rubbed
against the vaginal walls, or anal, or wherever they want to put it.
(Laughter)
I'm giving a handjob live for all of you.
(Laughter)
Get this on camera.
(Laughter) (Applause)
Now,
there are men who enjoy, for example, being penetrated.
Or they enjoy having the rest of their body stimulated.
I swear men have a body.
(Laughter)
They're not just a pretty penis, there's a lot more.
And let me tell you as well that, when it comes to women,
penetrating the vagina is a bit overrated.
(Laughter)
Women have the most pleasurable area, the most sensitive area,
in the vulva, which is the external part.
So it's not easy to stimulate it with penetration.
That's why women have a better response to manual stimulation, or oral,
or she rubs herself against something:
the stomach, the leg, against a pillow,
against a remote control she left on her bed,
a cell phone, a dildo ...
Because the most important thing is that she gets the appropriate stimulation.
So, how would you like if, instead of "penetration",
we talk about "appropriate stimulation"?
In order to do that, we forget about the penis and the vagina,
and we can think about our erogenous zones.
Which, there isn't a map that works for each and all of us, either.
Each one of us will have to explore them.
But we have a new equation now.
We're calm, relaxed, and we go beyond penetration.
We go for the whole body and we look for the appropriate stimulation ...
to reach orgasm.
A female patient told me once,
that she had an orgasm counter.
I thought having an accountant for taxes was enough, but it seems it isn't.
An orgasm counter.
So, when she had sex with her partner, she started counting
every orgasm she had in a week.
According to that, her perception of the relationship would change.
Because that's what we do.
We count orgasms and we count and measure sex.
As if we wanted to control it.
The irony in this is that an orgasm
implies a loss of control.
An orgasm is a moment with a lot of selfishness
where you have to able to give in and let yourself go.
And, sometimes, the act of giving in is emotional.
Sometimes, the act of giving in puts us into a state of vulnerability.
So, I wonder,
where is the variable that teaches us
to feel comfortable and safe inside our own skin,
and to feel comfortable and safe with someone else?
All the more so if it's a one-night stand.
Where is the recipe or the equation
that teaches us or tells us, for instance,
that if you went through an abusive situation, or you were a victim
of physical violence repeatedly, it will probably have an impact
in your adult sexual experience?
Because a body that felt pain
is a body that will need to heal
to be able to feel pleasure.
Sexuality is built and rebuilt
in everything we do, feel and think.
It's not something that goes in parallel with our own history.
Truth is, we're responsible of our own sexuality.
And we bring it into play with every decision we make.
With the lifestyle we have, with our health habits,
with our positive or negative experiences with others.
There's no way we can generalize the answer.
There's no way we can think of an equation,
or a common formula for sexuality.
So, I'm sorry about that,
and I understand that breaking this equation
and breaking the sexual norm
can be frightening.
But in return, it gives us freedom.
Thank you.
(Applause)