Have you ever felt like your partner is more of a roommate than a lover or spouse?
Maybe you two make a fantastic team - getting the laundry done, going to
the grocery store, getting the kids to and from school, but it doesn't feel like
a relationship. Today on Reaction Reset, we're talking about what happens when
you feel emotionally checked out of the relationship.
After all, the loneliest feeling does not come from being single - it comes from
being married or living with someone but feeling alone. You may love your partner,
but you don't really like or feel connected to them anymore. If you're
feeling like this, it's likely you've been together for some time.
Your relationship has become stable and comfortable...maybe even too comfortable.
During this time, you get stuck on autopilot, and it's easy to leave the
relationship emotionally. Here's a few signs you or your partner has
emotionally checked out. 1) Your partner no longer values your judgment or attention.
They may stop asking you for your input on work struggles or how to discipline
the kids. They may even do things that they know you don't like - like leaving
the dishes in the sink or clothes on the floor. 2) Your partner no longer wants to
engage with you or seems more distant. If you ask, "You okay? What's the matter?"
They have vague responses like, "Oh, just work," or, "I'm just tired."
3) Your partner is defensive or passive-aggressive saying things like,
"Nothing I do is good enough," and, "You fight me on everything." This is when
dangerous levels of resentment are building up in the relationship.
4) Your partner seems more focused on and interested in the kids. When children are
involved and there is emotional distance between you and your partner,
you begin focusing more on the children. This is not healthy for you or the children.
The children may get an exaggerated idea of how important they are
to the relationship's survival - feeling an intense guilt if the relationship fails.
Marriage must be stronger and tighter than any children
born into it, or it has a greater chance of failure when the kids are gone.
The amount of distance in a relationship varies by couples and their relationship
style. It's a personal preference - neither is right or wrong. What's important
is that you have an emotional connection. Unfortunately, when couples
first begin feeling disconnected in a relationship, they don't automatically
seek help. They postpone it or distract themselves from their feelings - trying to
fix the situation by having another baby, taking on a new project, or maybe
planning an exciting trip. Typically couples tell themselves, "It's not a big
deal. I mean, after all, everyone's lonely sometime in their life." But make no
mistake - a chronic sense of feeling alone in your relationship is one of the
underlying feelings that cause couples to split. Before these feelings develop
into an affair or divorce, let's reset your reaction. Here are three ways to
help you feel less isolated in your relationship. First, ask yourself if you
really want this relationship. Talking to a licensed therapist can help you gain
clarity. Part of your loneliness could be a disappointment in your own
expectations. Are you expecting your partner to satisfy all your needs?
That would be unfair and unhealthy to expect anyone to fulfill ALL your needs
for emotional connection. Your partner may sense you feel stagnant in the
relationship or are afraid to tell them. Tthey may be withdrawing to purposely
protect themselves. Second, talk to your partner about how you feel. Does your
partner know you feel unloved or distant? No one can read your mind and acting out
by having an affair won't help the situation. Finally, are your beliefs about
money, sex, or faith getting in the way of an intimate connection? Couples who are
fighting may project the anger from a disagreement on to the conversations or
situations. The distance you feel is actually about conflicting beliefs.
If you talk about them, it will help bridge the distance and resolve the issue.
Humans need love, acceptance, and security to grow and evolve. Iur relationships are
a way of satisfying these human needs. You never outgrow the need to be loved
nor should you.
Remember, change your reaction, change your world.