Narrator - Big thanks to Night School for sponsoring this episode!
Mr. Monk (Ian) - According to new school guidelines, every language class will now be Mandarin.
Tork (Noah) - Uh, Mr. Monk?
Mr. Monk (Ian) - Yes Tork?
Tork (Noah) - Why?
Mr. Monk (Ian) - Well, that's because China's economy will likely overtake our own by the time you're adults
Mr. Monk (Ian) - And we'll all be working for them.
Vanessa (Olivia) - Great, I'll fit right in!
Mr. Monk (Ian) - 我也是 Wo ye shi! (Me too)
Mr. Monk (Ian) - Am I right sister?
Vanessa (Olivia) - No...
Mr. Monk (Ian) - 好吧 Hao ba... (Okay)
Tiffany Haddish & Kevin Hart - Every classroom ever.
Mr. Koke (Ian) - Welcome to AP Physics, class.
Mr. Koke (Ian) - I'm gonna need you to answer every single question in the textbook
Mr. Koke (Ian) - As well as write 20 page papers on the basics of physics.
Mr. Koke (Ian) - The Hadron Collider, string theory, and the history of physics,
Mr. Koke (Ian) - As well as do 36 take-home tests.
Woodward (Keith) - Mr. Koke?
Mr. Koke (Ian) - Yes Woodward?
Woodward (Keith) - Don't you think that's a lot of homework for one semester?
Mr. Koke (Ian) - Semester?
Mr. Koke (Ian) - No, that's just for today.
Tiffany Haddish - Every classroom ever.
Mr. Poe (Ian) - Okay, tonight's night school lesson is sex-ed, but due to budget cuts,
Mr. Poe (Ian) - We have a pre-recorded video featuring Tiffany Haddish and Kevin Hart. Enjoy.
Kevin Hart - How you doin' I'm Kevin Hart,
Tiffany Haddish - And I'm Tiffany Haddish,
Kevin Hart & Tiffany Haddish - *in unison* And we're going to teach you sex-ed.
Tiffany Haddish - That's right, some people might think it's weird and embarrassing to be teaching a room full of adults "sex-ed".
Kevin Hart - And to that, I say yes it is!
Kevin Hart & Tiffany Haddish - *laughing*
Kevin Hart - It is!
Kevin Hart & Tiffany Haddish - *more laughing*
Tiffany Haddish - But let's keep it real, it's probably pointless to be teaching you about sex ed at this point.
Kevin Hart - It's very true.
Kevin Hart - To be honest, I feel like we should start with hygiene,
Kevin Hart - 'Cuz if you haven't had sex by now, it's probably not gonna happen.
Kevin Hart & Tiffany Haddish - *laughing and clapping*
Tiffany Haddish - 'Cuz you got a stinky butt.
Kevin Hart & Tiffany Haddish - *laughing*
Kevin Hart - Anybody having sex, nobody wants a stinky butt.
Kevin Hart - But on a serious note, take out your books and write down "VIRGIN"!
Kevin Hart & Tiffany Haddish - *laughing*
Mr. Poe (Ian) - Okay, we don't need to watch that anymore.
Kevin Hart - Every classroom ever.
Chortly (Noah) - Mr. Brumplin?
Mr. Brumplin (Ian) - Yes, Mr. Chortly?
Chortly (Noah) - Can we use calculators?
Mr. Brumplin (Ian) - Can you use one in real life?
Chortly (Noah) - Umm...
Everyone - *texting clicks*
Narrator - All of my supplies are Lisa Frank.
Ms. AppleBomb (Ian) - So today we're going to start reading "Catcher in the Rye".
Tracy (Courtney) - Man, school sucks!
Tracy (Courtney) - Just a bunch of phonies trying to tell you how to think.
Ms. AppleBomb (Ian) - Ohh! Well I see someone has already read it.
Tracy (Courtney) - What?
Narrator - That was the tardy bell, run!
Mr. Tie (Ian) - The invisible hand is the unobservable market force that keeps supply and demand an equilibrium.
Tracy (Courtney) - Okay, why aren't we learning anything useful, like you know, 401ks?
Woodward (Keith) - IRAs?
Vanessa (Olivia) - Mutual funds?
Tork (Noah) - Tax deduction?
Tracy (Courtney) - Student loans?
Woodward (Keith) - Car loans?
Vanessa (Olivia) - Fix vs. adjustable rate mortgages?
Tork (Noah) - Credit card debt?
Mr. Tie (Ian) - Okay, I get it. But that's not what school is about, you dummies.
Mr. Tie (Ian) - What kind of teacher would I be, if I prepared you for real life instead of just more school?
Everyone - Ohhhh!
Narrator - Hey, wanna make out in woodshop?
Landon (Keith) - Sorry for being late, Ms. Jennings.
Landon (Keith) - Here's a signed note from my parent explaining why I'm tardy.
Ms. Jennings (Courtney) - Landon, I'm your parent.
Ms. Jennings (Courtney) - This is home-school.
Landon (Keith) - Oh yeah!
Landon (Keith) - *laughs*
Ms. Jennings (Courtney) - You're very dumb aren't you?
Landon (Keith) - It's your fault.
Narrator - Ugh, she never picks me when I know the answer.
Mr. Peebody (Ian) - Okay class, today we're gonna be learning all about frogs.
Everyone - Awww.
Mr. Peebody (Ian) - By tearing them open and examining their bloody organs!
Everyone - 😱
Mr. Peebody (Ian) - You get a frog! You get a frog! You get a frog-
Everyone - 😱
Mr. Peebody (Ian) - Everyone gets frogs!
Everyone - 😱
Tiffany Haddish & Kevin Hart - Every classroom ever.
(bloopers!)
*Noah makes a weird screech noise*
Ain't that a lotta-
Noah: Sorry that was my wrong-
Ian: Jesus.
Ian: Learn the script, mother [bleep].
*everyone laughs*
Courtney: About 401ks?
Keith: Or- *stuttering*
Courtney: Like 401ks.
Keith: Or RIAs.
Courtney: Oh my God.
Ian: It's three f*cking LETTERS.
(guy behind camera) Look at the board, look at the board.
Keith: Thank you.
Yes, I'm gonna get it this time.
Thanks again to Night School for sponsoring this episode.
Get your tickets now and see it in theaters, September 28th.
Click the box on the left to check out Every High School Ever.
And if you want to watch a crazy high school fight caught on camera, click that video on the right dude, it's nuts.