LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, -- LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
MY NEXT GUEST IS A STAND-UP COMEDIAN AND CREATOR OF "PLEASE
UNDERSTAND ME" ON AMAZON PRIME.
PLEASE WELCOME AHAMED WEINBERG!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING )
>> OH, MY GOD!
WHEW!
HONESTLY, THAT'S A BIT MUCH.
I APPRECIATE IT, THOUGH.
( LAUGHTER ) MY NAME IS AHAMED, SORRY TO
CONFUSE YOU.
( LAUGHTER ) I WAS RAISED MUSLIM, AND A LOT
OF PEOPLE ARE SCARED OF MUSLIMS RIGHT NOW, I THINK BECAUSE OUR
NAMES ARE LONGER.
THAT'S MY THEORY.
YOU KNOW, IN AMERICA, WE LIKE SHORT NAMES.
YOU KNOW, YOU MEET SOMEONE, THEY'RE, LIKE, HI, I'M BOB.
YOU'RE, LIKE, THANK GOD.
BOB, GOOD NAME.
IT'S OVER BEFORE IT'S STARTED.
YOU MEET A MUSLIM IT'S LAKE HELLO, I'M MUHAMAD LATIF
AL-BADIBRI.
IT'S LIKE, I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THAT.
AND THEY HAVE MAJESTIC MEANINGS, MY NAME MEANS PROPHET PLUCKED
LIKE A PETAL OF A ROSE AND MARINATE UNDER THE MANGO TREE
FOR 20 YEARS.
AMERICANS ARE, LIKE, MY NAME IS FRANK, SO THAT MEANS HOT DOG.
( APPLAUSE ) YEAH.
THIS IS MY BUDDY JOHN, THAT MEANS TOILET.
( LAUGHTER ) AND THIS IS MY FRIEND LOU, THAT
MEANS TOILET.
IT'S JUST HOT DOG OR TOILET, IF YOU NEED TO GUESS.
( LAUGHTER ) I DO LOVE LIVING HERE IN
AMERICA, THOUGH.
EVERY CITY I GO TO, I DO THE SAME THING.
I GET REALLY HIGH, AND I GO TO THE MUSEUM, AND I JUST TOUCH ALL
THE PAINTINGS.
( LAUGHTER ) AND THAT'S SOMETHING YOU CAN DO.
I DON'T KNOW IF YOU KNOW THAT, BUT YOU CAN JUST TOUCH IT.
AND THEY CAN'T STOP YOU.
THERE'S A GUY THERE.
HE'S, LIKE, SIR, YOU CAN'T TOUCH THAT.
BUT I DID, YOU KNOW.
( LAUGHTER ) I TOUCH EVERY PAINTING HERE,
SO...
( LAUGHTER ) I LIKE TO GO TO THE MUSEUM AND
TOUCH THE PAINTINGS, THEN I GO TO THE HARD ROCK CAFE RIGHT
AFTER.
YEAH, THAT'S A PERFECT DAY, YOU KNOW.
BECAUSE THERE'S NOTHING PREVENTING YOU FROM TOUCHING A
PICASSO AT THE MUSEUM, BUT AT THE HARD ROCK CAFE, SAMMY
HAGAR'S BELT IS BEHIND BULLETPRBULLET --BULLETPROOF GLA
( APPLAUSE ) THAT'S WHAT WE CARE ABOUT,
WE'RE, LIKE, YOU PROTECT THAT BELT.
AMERICA IS BEAUTIFUL.
WE HAVE THINGS HERE CALLED CORN MAZES.
( LAUGHTER ) THAT DOESN'T EXIST ANYWHERE
ELSE.
THERE ARE STAFFERRING COUNTRIES, AND WE'RE, LIKE, WE'RE GETTING
LOST IN OUR FOOD.
( LAUGHTER ) WE HAVE BEEN IN HERE ALL DAY.
WE CAN'T GET OUT.
( LAUGHTER ) I'M PRETTY WOKE.
I DON'T KNOW IF YOU CAN TELL.
I'M ACTUALLY NOT.
I'M PRETTY DUMB.
BUT I PLAY IT OFF, YOU KNOW.
IF YOU'RE DUMB AND YOU WANT TO SEEM SMART, JUST BE QUIET.
( LAUGHTER ) JUST A TIP.
( APPLAUSE ) I'LL TELL YOU WHY.
I'LL TELL YOU WHY, BECAUSE PEOPLE THINK QUIET PEOPLE ARE
SMART.
YOU KNOW, I'LL BE AT A PARTY AND EVERYONE IS TALKING POLITICS,
I'M SILENT, AND THEY'RE, LIKE, OH, HE'S COMING UP WITH
SOMETHING.
NO, I'M JUST COUNTING MY TEETH WITH MY TONGUE.
THAT THE ALL I'M DOING.
( LAUGHTER ) EVERYONE'S, LIKE, HOW DOES TRUMP
GET AWAY WITH THAT?
I'M, LIKE, WHY ARE MY POCKETS FULL OF CRUMBS?
( LAUGHTER ) I'M NOT EATING ENOUGH CHIPS TO
WARRANT ALL THE CRUMBS.
( LAUGHTER ) I DO TRY TO READ, THOUGH.
THAT'S SOMETHING I DO.
I JUST FINISHED THE DIARY OF ANNE FRANK, WHICH IS AN AMAZING
BOOK.
YOU KNOW WHAT IT MADE ME REALIZE?
THAT WOMEN ARE MORE MATURE THAN MEN.
THAT IS TRUE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YEAH, ESPECIALLY AT 13.
( LAUGHTER ) ESPECIALLY WHEN ANNE FRANK IS
HIDING FROM NAZIS AND GOING THROUGH PUBERTY AND ARTICULATING
IT IN THIS WAY, IT'S SO POSITIVE, IT GIVES YOU HOPE.
ALL I CAN THINK OF WHEN I'M READING THIS IS IF THIS WAS A
DUDE'S DIARY -- THIS WOULD SUCK.
( LAUGHTER ) LIKE, IF IT WAS THE DIARY OF
FRANK FRANK -- ( LAUGHTER )
-- IT WOULDN'T BE THE TESTAMENT TO THE POWER OF THE HUMAN WILL.
THE DIARY OF FRANK FRANK WOULD BE, LIKE, EVERY DAY, DEAR DIARY,
NO SCHOOL TODAY, HELL, YEAH!
( LAUGHTER ) THIS WAR IS AWESOME!
( LAUGHTER ) EVERY OTHER PAGE WOULD HAVE,
LIKE, CARTOON S FROM MIDDLE SCHOOL.
( LAUGHTER ) LIKE THERE'S A DRAWING OF GOKU
HERE THAT DIDN'T EXIST YET.
HE'S, LIKE, MY NAME MEANS HOT DOG-HOT DOG.
THAT'S PRETTY COOL.
( LAUGHTER ) RACISM IS A BIG PROBLEM IN
AMERICA, TOO.
I THINK WHITE PEOPLE SAY RACIAL SLURS SOMETIMES BECAUSE THEY'RE
JEALOUS, LIKE IT'S A WORD THEY CAN'T SAY, AND THEY'RE, LIKE, WE
SHOULD SAY EVERY WORD!
I'M HERE TO TELL YOU, IF YOU'RE WHITE, THERE'S SOMETHING WE CAN
SAY NO OTHER RACE CAN SAY, AND THAT'S WE'RE THE ONLY RACE THAT
CAN CALL THINGS BAD BOYS.
( LAUGHTER ) I DON'T KNOW IF YOU FOLLOW.
( LAUGHTER ) LIKE HDMI CABLES?
( LAUGHTER ) PLUG A COUPLE OF THOSE BAD BOYS
IN -- OH, YEAH!
( APPLAUSE ) NOW YOU'RE WHITE.
NOW YOU'RE DOING IT, YOU KNOW?
MAYBE GET A KEURIG MASIN -- MACH GET SOME K CUPS, THROW A COUPLE
OF THOSE BAD BOYS IN THERE.
THAT'S OUR CULTURE.
THAT'S WHAT WE HAVE.
ALL RIGHT, I'VE GOT TO WRAP THIS BAD BOY UP.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH!
>> STEPHEN: AHAMED WEINBERG, EVERYBODY!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.