So, does it seem like
you just keep picking the wrong person,
like every single damn time
you find someone you really like
it just turns out they're no good
or they're not good for you.
And it gets frustrating
and you're like, why do I keep
meeting the wrong person.
Well, I'm going to explain to you
why you keep being attracted to the wrong person.
My name is Stephan Labossiere
aka Stephan Speaks
back with another dating and relationship
advice video.
Again, today is for the men and the women
and we're going to be talking about why you
get attracted to the wrong people.
Before we begin as always be sure
to like this video, share it,
subscribe to this channel,
and just listen to what I have to say, all right.
So, listen,
let's get real simple with this first off.
I think there's...
I think everyone on the face of this earth
has at one point
been attracted to someone
that was not good for them
or was not truly best for them.
Because let's face it we're going to meet
tons of people in this lifetime,
but they're not all for us, all right.
The reality is that
the majority of people we meet are
"wrong for us."
Now, there's a difference between
being attracted to people
who are not truly best for us
or we're not a good fit with
and constantly being attracted to
damaged, toxic, broken people.
And I'll explain a little bit more of that
as we go along but the point is,
simply being attracted to someone
that it's not going to work
out with is normal.
So, the first thing I need you to understand is
stop beating yourself up,
it's understandable.
It happens to everyone.
We all see different things that we like,
it might be physical attraction,
it might be we admire certain things about them.
Hell, even when we're not
focusing on the exterior
or their resume, so to speak.
You have some situations where people
truly fell for that person's
spirit, their energy, their personality,
and they were still wrong for you.
And that makes it real frustrating
may be because you're like dang, I thought maybe
if I did it or if I looked
past the surface
than that might serve me well.
No, that doesn't necessarily fix anything.
I mean don't get me wrong
we need to be focused on
what is going on
under the hood so to speak.
But that isn't the cure-all to this.
Because again, the reality
is that you're going to meet
tons of people in your life
and you're going to be attracted to them.
Now granted,
I will say that
if you're noticing a pattern of
always being attracted to individuals
who not only, not only who are not good for you,
but they're just flat out bad for you, all right.
Now we can start examining things on a deeper level.
So, for example,
one of the reasons why you might be
continuously attracted to the wrong person
is because you are too focused on looks.
Now, do not get me wrong,
I believe attraction matters.
I believe trying to have
a romantic relationship without
physical attraction
is asking for trouble, all right.
However,
we don't want to make
looks,
our relationship God, so to speak.
We don't want to put on such a high of a pedestal
to where we will now become
blind to the other
issues that they are presenting.
That we will become blind to the red flags
because we're so caught up in
how good they look.
So, we have to have this balance of yes,
let there be attraction.
I am not going to encourage or push you
to date people that
you are not attracted to, all right.
But I’m going to encourage you
to not get caught up with people
simply because you're attracted to them.
You've got to still be aware
of the person that you're dealing with.
And when you see the issues,
you know what I say when you see the red flags
you address them
and if they can't be corrected,
you keep it moving.
Another general reason why
you may be
continuously picking the wrong person is
because of
you're being too focused on the resume.
So, let's go past looks right now.
The resume is
oh, man they,
they have no kids, if that's your thing,
I’m just giving an example.
They have no kids,
they look good,
they make this kind of money,
they graduated from this college,
whatever the case may be.
They have a resume
that it shows them in a great light
and you get caught up in the resume,
you get all hype about
what you're seeing on the surface,
but again,
you've done it to the point
where you're ignoring
or you're becoming blind to the character
of the person, all right.
And so you've got to be mindful of
again, having enough awareness
that the resume does not
fool you.
The resume may open the door.
The resume may allow you to say
you know what, there's potential here or
you know we have a solid prospect
in front of us.
But you do not allow that
to blind you to the point
where now you will try to make it
happen with this person
because you want all these qualities
or these things on their resume
that they're portraying.
That is where we get into trouble.
So, you've got to be mindful of that
and take a step back
especially if that has been
a reoccurring pattern for you.
Because so many people
are choosing based off of the resume
and they're not being more aware
of the character, they're not more aware of
the spirit, the connection
that needs to be there.
The deeper things that need to be at play.
Because you can get everything you want
actually you know what,
I’m not even going to say that full,
that full statement,
I’m going to keep that statement
for the very end, all right.
So, let's just move along.
So, again, you got to look past the resume.
Now, here's another reason why
you might keep continuously being
attracted to the wrong person
because you love to date for potential.
Yeah, I said it, you
have this mentality that
I’m going to look for that diamond in the rough
that I can mold or build up
or they just need a little fire a little
a little help, a little push
and I’m going to get them there
and there's really other reasons why
you keep dating for potential,
but the point is
so many relationships
like this where you're,
you're focused on the potential of the person
ends up being a very damaging,
destructive,
toxic relationship.
And a lot of times, it's that
by seeing their potential
and I’m not saying all the time.
There are some situations that have
fortunately worked out
but for a lot of people
it doesn't because
you have to understand
the deeper reasons why you
are doing it.
And so what
I feel the need to mention right now
is that a lot of times this
dating potential or this
dating someone that you know
isn't where they need to be yet
to have a successful relationship with them
or at least you're not aware of that completely,
Sets it up for the whole
codependent narcissistic dynamic, all right.
A lot of times
you're getting with this person
who essentially needs you, all right.
And the reality is that you do this
because it provides you with a level of security.
It makes you feel more valued in the relationship.
It makes you feel like
they've got to be happy
they got someone like you.
So, they're going to be more likely to be loyal,
more likely to pour into your needs,
you feel safer there emotionally.
And this can happen with men and women
okay, bottom line.
But then because
it's a dynamic where
you got to give, give, give, give,
and initially you're okay because
again, you view it as I just need to help them out
they got potential blah, blah, blah
it ends up being a situation where they keep taking
and taking and taking and now you're drained.
And now your eyes open
you're like, oh, my God they're a narcissist,
but oh my gosh you're codependent,
oh my gosh, you got into this
because you thought it was going to be safer.
Oh my gosh, you got into this
because you haven't healed.
Which brings me to another point.
The reason why you keep
being attracted to the wrong person
is because there are parts of you
that you have not healed
that are drawn to these types of individuals.
If you have grown up in dysfunction,
you will be drawn to dysfunction.
If you have not healed
and resolved that, all right.
If there's issues with your father,
you might be trying to replace him.
Same thing with men
who have... Did not have their mothers
or issues with their mothers.
There's all kinds of trauma
related issues that now creates trauma bonds
in relationships.
That now creates dynamics
where you will allow
yourself to deal with something
you know isn't best for you,
but you have normalized this toxic behavior
for various reasons.
You have developed an unhealthy attachment
to these individuals because again,
you have not healed.
So, the source of any kind of relationship
where you entertain toxic behavior.
Where you entertain damaging
dysfunctional behavior,
is a lack of healing.
I can, I have never
in my time doing this,
all my years being a coach and
speaking about relationships and writing books,
I have never met someone
who found themselves in this relationship
who did not have something very specific
they needed to heal from.
If not multiple things.
And yes, a lot of times
it stems from childhood.
And that childhood trauma
continues on into their adult life
into their relationships
and now creates this dynamic
where you keep being drawn
or attracted to the wrong people.
And the other reason
I kind of mentioned it earlier
is because
the dysfunctional toxic person
feels safer emotionally
than the healthy one.
Because with the toxic individual
you actually feel more "at home."
You also feel like again,
it's safer emotionally
because you don't truly feel vulnerable
with this individual.
They're showing you all their negative
traits out front,
you know what you're getting yourself into.
And if your mindset is well,
the world is just one big negative place
this place filled with men and women
who want to hurt me
well, it's easier to be with the person
who you already know
what their issues are.
But when you meet that healthy loving person
who wants to give you the world
you're like what's the deal here?
What's really going on?
You can't trust it,
you can't believe it,
you question everything about it.
You will self-sabotage
before you allow yourself to be with that person.
It does not feel safe
being with them emotionally
because now you feel vulnerable.
And now, you will be expected
to step up to the plate
in a way that requires more emotional maturity.
In a way that requires you to heal.
In a way that requires you to be vulnerable
and if you're not ready
to face the issues
that have created this
fear of vulnerability in you,
you're not going to be able
to be with this person.
So, you will run from the right one
and you will run to the wrong one.
And this contributes to this ongoing cycle
of why you are continuously
attracted to the wrong person.
Remember I said earlier
I had a statement I had to cut it halfway through.
The other reason why
you're constantly attracted to the wrong person
is because you're focused on what you want
and not what you need.
At the end of the day,
there's nothing wrong with
wanting what you want.
But you've got to not allow that to...
To blind you from what is actually necessary
and needed in your life.
And there are many people out there
who got exactly what they wanted
and still weren't happy.
They got exactly what they wanted
and were still miserable in that relationship
and it still failed them
because what you want
is not what you need.
In order for you to understand what you need
you need time alone.
You need time to get to know yourself.
You need time to love yourself.
You need to heal
because that lack of healing
is blinding you from what's necessary in your life.
Now, I got to also add in there,
connect with God.
Your relationship with God will help you in
fortifying the foundation
of what is needed and necessary in your life.
Now again, it doesn't mean
you're going to end up with some person
that doesn't have anything you wanted
and it's like I just got to deal with this because it's
what someone claimed you needed.
No, like no, I don't want this to sound
like discouraging in that way.
I want you to know that
what you need is going to...
Is going to be what makes you happy.
It's going to be what makes you feel like
you're at peace and you're in the right relationship.
What you need is going to fulfill you.
What you need is going to give you a life of greater
purpose and joy.
So, trust and believe what you need
is best and God knows what you need,
but you, you know what you want
and we've got to make sure
we're not letting that get in the way
because it is definitely another contributing factor
to why you are continuously
attracted to the wrong person.
But again, like I said in the beginning
we have to understand
we are going to meet people
who we are attracted to,
who are wrong for us for various reasons,
that is life.
So, the key here
the key to all of this is not that you are
attracted to the wrong person,
but do you entertain them.
And if you are always entertaining
the wrong person
then yes, we have a huge, huge problem.
Don't get me wrong, the attraction part
it still is a problem
that needs to be addressed,
but because we're going to have that dynamic
to some degree in everyone's life,
the bigger part is the entertaining.
And you got to learn
to stop entertaining the wrong people.
Stop allowing the wrong
individuals to linger in your life.
Stop trying to make a relationship work
that never belonged in your life to begin with.
Stop trying to be with this person
that you know you're not even into them like that,
you have an unhealthy connection
or attachment with this individual
not connection that was a slip up.
You have an unhealthy attachment
with that individual.
And you have to recognize these things
and when you can learn to stop
entertaining the wrong people,
now you make room to receive the right one.
Now, you can be available
for that great relationship.
Now, you can make more time for yourself.
Now, you can make more time for healing.
Now, you can make more time
for finding your purpose
and walking in it.
Stop entertaining the wrong people
and when you do that,
you will set yourself up for greater success.
Hey, thank you for watching this video
be sure to check this one out right here
and I'll see you there.
A lot of people are dating
with their representative,
a lot of people are
entering into relationships
with their representative.
And you're sitting here claiming
you love them there's a connection,
but who the hell are they connecting to?