WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN--
WE ARE COMING TO YOU JUST HOURS AFTER THE JANUARY 6th COMMITTEE
SHOCKED THE WORLD WITH A HEARING THAT CAN ONLY BE DESCRIBED AS
"COO-COO, AWOOGA, PSSHHHH, WAWAWA, HATCHI MATCHI!"
AND NOBODY, NOBODY SAW THIS COMING.
THEY WERE SCHEDULED TO BE IN RECESS UNTIL THE WEEK OF
JULY 11.
THEY HAULED EVERYBODY BACK IN FROM VACATION!
CONGRESSMAN BENNIE THOMPSON WAS STILL WEARING HIS FLOATIES.
( LAUGHTER )
THE COMMITTEE COULD NOT WAIT TO SHARE SOME HOT NEW DEETS ABOUT
WHAT WAS GOING ON IN THE WHITE HOUSE ON JANUARY 6, COURTESY OF
FORMER MARK MEADOWS TOP AIDE AND FUTURE OSCAR-WINNING ROLE FOR
JENNIFER LAWRENCE, CASSIDY HUTCHINSON.
NOW, WE'VE SEEN HUTCHINSON BEFORE IN VIDEO TESTIMONY FROM
LAST THURSDAY'S HEARINGS, WHERE SHE SPILLED THE TEA ON THE
SEDITIONIST CONGRESSMEN WHO ASKED FOR PARDONS.
>> MR. GAETZ AND MR. BROOKS, I KNOW BOTH ADVOCATED FOR THERE TO
BE A BLANKET PARDON FOR MEMBERS INVOLVED IN THAT MEETING.
MR. GOHMERT ASKED FOR ONE AS WELL.
MR. PERRY ASKED FOR A PARDON, TOO.
MR. BIGGS DID.
>> Stephen: WAIT, I THOUGHT MR. BIGGS DIED ON THAT
PELOTON!
SOMEBODY TELL CARRIE!
THESE HEARINGS ARE FULL OF BOMBSHELLS.
NOW, TODAY'S SURPRISE HEARING DID NOT DISAPPOINT.
IT WAS LOADED WITH SHOCKING EYEWITNESS TESTIMONY ABOUT THE
BEHAVIOR ON JANUARY 6th OF FORMER PRESIDENT FRAUDY KRUEGER
( LAUGHTER )
EVERYONE IN THE FORMER PRESIDENT'S INNER CIRCLE KNEW
THAT BAD STUFF WAS GONNA GO DOWN ON THE 6th.
>> I WENT BACK UP TO OUR OFFICE AND I FOUND MR. MEADOWS IN HIS
OFFICE ON THE COUCH.
HE WAS SCROLLING THROUGH HIS PHONE.
I REMEMBER LEANING AGAINST THE DOORWAY AND SAYING, "I JUST HAD
AN INTERESTING CONVERSATION WITH RUDY, MARK.
IT SOUNDS LIKE WE'RE GOING TO GO TO THE CAPITOL."
HE DIDN'T LOOK UP FROM HIS PHONE AND SAID SOMETHING TO THE EFFECT
OF, "THERE'S A LOT GOING ON, CASS.
BUT I DON'T KNOW.
THINGS MIGHT GET REAL, REAL BAD ON JANUARY 6th."
>> Stephen: SO THE PRESIDENT'S CHIEF OF STAFF KNEW THERE COULD
BE TERRIBLE CONSEQUENCES AND WENT AHEAD WITH IT ANYWAY?
"HUH, WHAT?
YEAH, I THINK THIS RASH MIGHT BE AN S.T.D., BUT I DON'T KNOW,
LET'S JUST PUT ON SOME MARVIN GAYE AND JUST SEE WHERE THE
EVENING TAKES US."
( LAUGHTER )
ACCOMPANY HIS MOB TO THE CAPITOL, BUT WHITE HOUSE LAWYER
PAT CIPOLLONE REALLY DID NOT WANT THAT TO HAPPEN, FOR A DAMN
GOOD REASON.
>> I SAW MR. CIPOLLONE RIGHT BEFORE I WALKED OUT ONTO WEST
EXEC THAT MORNING.
AND MR. CIPOLLONE SAID SOMETHING TO THE EFFECT OF, "PLEASE MAKE
SURE WE DON'T GO UP TO THE CAPITOL, CASSIDY.
KEEP IN TOUCH WITH ME.
WE'RE GOING TO GET CHARGED WITH EVERY CRIME IMAGINABLE IF WE
MAKE THAT MOVEMENT HAPPEN."
>> Stephen: "EVERY CRIME IMAGINABLE."
WE'RE TALKIN' TREASON, SEDITION
CONSPIRACY...
OBSTRUCTING A FEDERAL PROCESS, ATTEMPTED MURDER, FISH FONDLING,
GRAND THEFT CENTAUR, ASSAULT AND PEPPERY, RIPPING THE TAF OFF A
MATTRESS TAG AND REBROADCASTING A GAME WITHOUT THE EXPRESS
WRITTEN CONSENT OF MAJOR LEAGUE QUIDDITCH.
BY THE WAY, WE ALSO LEARNED, ACCORDING TO DEPUTY CHIEF OF
STAFF TONY ORNATO, THAT WHAT THE LAST ADMINISTRATION KEPT
CALLING A "PEACEFUL CROWD" ON JANUARY 6th WAS IN FACT ARMED TO
THE TEETS.
>> I REMEMBER TONY MENTIONING KNIVES, GUNS-- IN THE FORM OF
PISTOLS AND RIFLES-- BEAR SPRAY, BODY ARMOR, SPEARS, AND
FLAGPOLES.
TONY HAD RELAYED TO ME SOMETHING TO THE EFFECT OF, "THESE F'ING
PEOPLE ARE FASTENING SPEARS ONTO THE END OF FLAGPOLES."
>> Stephen: THEY HAD SPEARS ON THE END OF FLAGPOLES?
WELL, AT LEAST THOSE FLAGS WILL BE ABLE TO DEFEND THEMSELVES
WHEN THE FORMER PRESIDENT GROPES THEM.
( LAUGHTER )
RALLY READY FOR VIOLENCE, BUT BECAUSE OF THE WEAPONS, THEY
WERE BEING STOPPED AT THE MAGNETIC METAL DETECTORS, OR
"MAGS," SO THE CROWD WASN'T AS BIG AS IT COULD BE.
AND HERE'S WHAT HUTCHINSON HEARD THE ANGRY EX-PRESIDENT SAY ABOUT
THAT.
>> I WAS IN THE VICINITY OF A CONVERSATION WHERE I OVERHEARD
THE PRESIDENT SAY SOMETHING TO THE EFFECT OF, "I DON'T F'ING
CARE THAT THEY HAVE WEAPONS.
THEY ARE NOT HERE TO HURT ME.
TAKE THE F'ING MAGS AWAY.
LET MY PEOPLE IN.
THEY CAN MARCH TO THE CAPITOL FROM HERE."
>> Stephen: SO, HE WAS COOL WITH HIS MOB BEING ARMED BECAUSE HE
KNEW HE WASN'T THE ONE THEY WANTED TO ATTACK.
THAT'S LIKE HEARING, "HELLO, 9-1-1, STATE YOUR EMERGENCY.
UH-HUH.
WELL, ALL I KNOW IS I'M NOT THE ONE BEING STABBED.
THIS SOUNDS LIKE A YOU PROBLEM."
( LAUGHTER )
PRESIDENT WANTED TO GO WITH THE MARCHERS ALONG TO THE CAPITOL,
FOR THE ATTACK, PRESUMABLY TO BATTER HIS WAY INTO THE SENATE
CHAMBER WITH A MEATBALL SUB.
BUT HUTCHINSON TOLD US TODAY JUST HOW DESPERATE HE WAS TO
JOIN HIS MOB.
AFTER THE SECRET SERVICE REFUSED TO LET HIM WALK TO THE CAPITOL
AND ESCORTED HIM TO HIS CAR, DRIVEN BY THE HEAD OF HIS
SECURITY DETAIL, BOBBY ENGLE, THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED
STATES DID THIS: >> THE PRESIDENT SAID SOMETHING
TO THE EFFECT OF, "I AM THE F'ING PRESIDENT.
TAKE ME UP TO THE CAPITOL NOW".
TO WHICH BOBBY RESPONDED, "SIR, WE HAVE TO GO BACK TO THE WEST
WING."
THE PRESIDENT REACHED UP TOWARD THE FRONT OF THE VEHICLE TO GRAB
AT THE STEERING WHEEL.
MR. ENGEL GRABBED HIS ARM, SAID, "SIR, YOU NEED TO TAKE YOUR HAND
OFF THE STEERING WHEEL."
>> Stephen: THAT IS INSANE.
BUT IT IS GOING TO MAKE A GREAT SEASON PREMIERE OF
"KLEPTOCRATS IN CARS SEIZING POWER."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
AND-- ♪ ♪ ♪
( APPLAUSE )
AND HE DIDN'T GIVE UP.
>> MR. TRUMP THEN USED HIS FREE HAND TO LUNGE TOWARD BOBBY
ENGEL, AND WHEN MR. ORNATO HAD RECOUNTED THE STORY TO ME, HE
HAD MOTIONED TOWARD HIS CLAVICLES.
>> Stephen: HE WENT FOR THE THROAT!
WHEN YOU GET INTO THE SECRET SERVICE, YOU KNOW YOU HAVE TO
TAKE ONE FOR THE PRESIDENT, BUT YOU NEVER EXPECT TO TAKE ONE
FROM THE PRESIDENT.
"THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE.
LET'S KEEP THIS PART SECRET."
THE LIMO WASN'T THE ONLY PLACE THE PRESIDENT GOT VIOLENT.
HUTCHINSON TALKED ABOUT THE DAY BILL BARR WENT ON THE RECORD
SAYING THERE WASN'T ANY FRAUD IN THE ELECTION.
>> I NOTICED THE DOOR WAS PROPPED OPEN, AND THE VALET
WAS INSIDE THE DINING ROOM CHANGING THE TABLECLOTH OFF OF
THE DINING ROOM TABLE.
HE MOTIONED FOR ME TO COME IN AND THEN POINTED TOWARDS THE
FRONT OF THE ROOM NEAR THE FIREPLACE MANTEL AND THE TV,
WHERE I FIRST NOTICED THERE WAS KETCHUP DRIPPING DOWN THE WALL,
AND THERE'S A SHATTERED PORCELAIN PLATE ON THE FLOOR.
THE VALET HAD ARTICULATED THAT THE PRESIDENT WAS EXTREMELY
ANGRY AT THE ATTORNEY GENERAL'S AP INTERVIEW AND HAD THROWN HIS
LUNCH AGAINST THE WALL.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: I MEAN, HER DESCRIPTION IS SO DETAILED, I
THINK YOU COULD GO IN AND FIND WHERE THAT KETCHUP STAIN WAS.
I MEAN, THEY SHOULD PUT THAT ON THE WHITE HOUSE TOUR, HAVE A
LITTLE PLAQUE ON THE WALL, "HERE THE 45th PRESIDENT LOST HIS
LUNCH."
( APPLAUSE )
ISOLATED INCIDENT.
>> WAS THIS THE ONLY INSTANCE THAT YOU ARE AWARE OF WHERE THE
PRESIDENT THREW DISHES?
( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: THE GREATEST QUOTE IN THE HISTORY OF CONGRESSIONAL
HEARINGS.
EVIDENTLY, THE FORMER PRESIDENT BREAKS A LOT OF DISHES, WHICH IS
WHY HIS HANDLERS MAKE SURE HIS MEALS ARE SERVED ONLY IN BUCKET
OR EDIBLE BOWL.
( APPLAUSE )
AND HERE'S MORE HISTORY: >> THERE WERE SEVERAL TIMES
THROUGHOUT MY TENURE WITH THE CHIEF OF STAFF THAT I WAS AWARE
OF HIM EITHER THROWING DISHES OR FLIPPING THE TABLECLOTH, TO LET
ALL THE CONTENTS OF THE TABLE GO ONTO THE FLOOR AND LIKELY BREAK
OR GO EVERYWHERE.
>> Stephen: OKAY, THAT SOUNDS BAD, BUT MAYBE HE JUST TRYING
TO DO THAT MAGIC TRICK WHERE YOU GRAB THE TABLECLOTH AND YANK
AWAY DEMOCRACY.
BACK ON
GOING BACK TO JANUARY 6, CAPITOL HILL, POKEY FLAG, VIOLENCE,
MEOW, MEOW, MEOW-- IT'S ALL ON TV AT THIS POINT IN HER STORY
TELLING.
AND HUTCHINSON SAYS THAT WHITE HOUSE LAWYER PAT CIPOLLONE
CHARGES DOWN TO THEIR OFFICE TO DEMAND MARK MEADOWS TELL THE
PRESIDENT TO STOP THE ATTACK.
>> AND I REMEMBER PAT SAYING TO HIM SOMETHING TO THE EFFECT OF
"THE RIOTERS HAVE GOTTEN TO THE CAPITOL, MARK.
WE NEED TO GO DOWN AND SEE THE PRESIDENT NOW."
AND MARK LOOKED UP AND SAID, "HE DOESN'T WANT TO DO ANYTHING,
PAT."
AND PAT SAID SOMETHING TO THE EFFECT OF-- AND VERY CLEARLY
SAID THIS TO MARK-- SOMETHING TO THE EFFECT OF, "MARK, SOMETHING
NEEDS TO BE DONE, OR PEOPLE ARE GOING TO DIE, AND THE BLOOD IS
GOING TO BE ON YOUR F'ING HANDS.
>> Stephen: THAT IS DAMNING TESTIMONY.
IN RESPONSE, TODAY, MARK MEADOWS RELEASED THIS STATEMENT:
"NO COMMENT."
( LAUGHTER )
BREATHTAKING COWARDICE TO THAT OF HIS ASSISTANT TESTIFYING
TODAY, CASSIDY HUTCHINSON, AGE 25.
WHO'S TESTIFYING BESPITE MULTIPLE THREATS OF VIOLENCE TO
TELL THE AMERICAN PEOPLE THE TRUTH.
LAWYER TO TELL THE AMERICAN PEOPLE THE
TRUTH.
WELL, SHE CAN ADD ALL THIS TO HER RESUME:
"CRISIS MANAGEMENT, EXCELLENT RECALL, BIGGER BALLS THAN MARK
MEADOWS."
( APPLAUSE )
BUT HE'S GOT SOME NERVE.
>> MS. HUTCHINSON, DID WHITE HOUSE CHIEF OF STAFF, MARK
MEADOWS, EVER INDICATE THAT HE WAS INTERESTED IN RECEIVING A
PRESIDENTIAL PARDON RELATED TO JANUARY 6th?
>> MR. MEADOWS DID SEEK THAT PARDON, YES MA'AM.
>> Stephen: THE PRESIDENT'S OWN CHIEF OF STAFF WANTED A "GET OUT
OF JAIL FREE" CARD.
BUT HE DIDN'T GET IT, SO HOPEFULLY SOON, HE WILL NOT PASS
"GO," NOT COLLECT $200, AND GO DIRECTLY TO JAIL.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
ALSO, IN COMPARISON TO MS. HUTCHINSON'S COURAGE, THE
COMMITTEE PLAYED SOME FOOTAGE OF THEIR INTERVIEW WITH
DISGRACED FORMER NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISOR, GENERAL
MICHAEL FLYNN, WHO SEEMED DISINCLINED TO BE FORTHCOMING.
>> GENERAL FLYNN, DO YOU BELIEVE THE VIOLENCE ON JANUARY 6th WAS
JUSTIFIED?
>> I SAID-- I SAID THE FIFTH.
>> DO YOU BELIEVE THE VIOLENCE ON JANUARY 6th WAS JUSTIFIED
MORALLY?
>> TAKE THE FIFTH.
>> DO YOU BELIEVE THE VIOLENCE ON JANUARY 6th WAS JUSTIFIED
LEGALLY?
>> FIFTH.
>> GENERAL FLYNN, DO YOU BELIEVE IN THE PEACEFUL TRANSITION OF
POWER IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA?
>> THE FIFTH.
>> Stephen: YOU WERE A GENERAL IN THE UNITED STATES ARMY!
YOU SWORE AN OATH TO UPHOLD THE CONSTITUTION, NOT DENY ITS
BEDROCK PRINCIPLES.
HOW DOES MICHAEL FLYNN SING THE NATIONAL ANTHEM?
♪ OH, SAY CAN YOU FIFTH!
FIFTH-FIFTH-FIFTH-FIFTH FIFTH-FIFTH!
EVERYBODY!
♪ WHAT SO PROUDLY WE FIFTHED, BY THE TWILIGHT'S FIFTH-FIFTH
FIFTH!
♪ WHO'S BROAD STRIPES AND FIFTH FIFTH
♪ O'ER THE LAND FIFTH-FIFTH FIFTH
♪ FIFTH-FIFTH-FIFTH-FIFTH-FIFTH-FI
FIFTH-FIFTH-FIFTH-FIFTH-FIFTH-FI FTH
♪ FIFTH-FIFTH-FIFTH-FIFTH-FIFTHI FIFTH-FIFTH-FIFTH-FIFTH-FIFTH-FH
♪ OH, SAYS DOES THAT MIFFING, FIFTH, FIFTH, FIFTH
O'ER, THE FIFTH, FIFTH, FIFTH ♪ AND THE HOME OF THE FIFTH ♪
NO BALLS!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
TONIGHT.
MY GUEST IS CONGRESSWOMAN ALEXANDRIA OCASIO-CORTEZ.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, RUDY GIULIANI SURVIVES A BRUSH WITH
BEING BRUSHED!
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