Hello I m Darren Magee and the topic for today s video continues on from last time where I outlined
the DARVO method, a technique that is often used by narcissistic people to avoid accountability,
to attack and to blame their victims. You might want to check that out if you're unfamiliar with
the term and how it often plays out. But at the end of the video I asked if people would
be interested in learning some ideas to help manage themselves whenever people employ that
method seem to get a lot of positive response. So that's what I'm going to outline today. If
you stick to the end of the video, I'll give you a real life example of a workplace narcissist who
used the DARVO method once too often. So if you find this video interesting or helpful, please
consider subscribing to my channel. Just to remind you though, this videos for information purposes
only and is not a substitute for support from a mental health professional. So just to remind you,
DARVO is an acronym and it stands for deny, attack and reverse victim offender. It's a very effective
tactic for a narcissist as it can confuse the Hell out of their victims and can shame, sometimes even
frighten them into silence. So the following are just some ideas that you might find helpful. And
as I've said in previous videos, particularly around managing boundaries, whatever you do,
it begins with being very careful and making sure you're safe. Because sometimes you could
just be dealing with the kind of person who wets the bed and blames the blanket. Other times, you
could be dealing with someone who is vindictive, callous and sadistic. And sometimes there is no
way of telling how a narcissistic person will react to being challenged. So you always make
sure you're safe. This is not about trying to antagonise anyone. Secondly, and I think this is
an important point, this isn't about winning. If you re thinking about trying to win you probably
won't. You won't in the sense that a narcissistic person is not going to accept any evidence you may
have. They can be very elusive when it comes to accepting responsibility. The reality of their
behaviour is just maybe too shameful for them. Their defence mechanisms kick in so they will
reject whatever you say whatever you have against them outright and go on the attack. So it's not
about winning. It's about showing that DARVO doesn't work on you anymore. And I'm not going
to claim that any of this is easy, because it isn't. It hurts to be lied to, to be manipulated,
devalued, invalidated, even threatened. So somethings that might make it easier
is to not expect them to change, not to accept that they were wrong or to acknowledge their
behaviour. If they were to that might cause a narcissistic collapse, hence the defence
mechanisms. Also try to find safety and support from people who care about you. People who will
listen to you, advise you, validate you and encourage you. Now this could be in therapy.
It could be from friends, family, support groups, even online forums. Utilise whatever support you
can get. And you also be kind and compassionate towards yourself. There is no shame in having
been on the wrong end of a narcissist, there is no shame in being lied to or lied about. So when it
comes to dealing with the DARVO method, probably your greatest asset is knowledge. In other words,
you know the strategy. DARVO. They will deny it. They will attack you, they will attack the
evidence. They will claim that you are bullying them. They are being victimised. You know the
pattern which prepares you for what's to come. And when they are employing this tactic, they will
try to make it about you, about your character, about your personality. Try to remember it isn't
because they will do this with anyone, so try not to personalise it. And you keep that knowledge in
mind. There's less chance they are going to blind side you. There's last chance they will suck you
into a word salad, circular reasoning argument that there's no way you can win. And remember,
you can pick your battles. You do not have to engage at all. You leave them as they are,
they are what they are. But if you do have to engage, for example, you have to point
out their behaviour. Then you state your case. You be brief, factual, to the point. You don't
necessarily give an explanation. Because remember a common tactic with narcissism is to pretend they
don't know what you're talking about. The more you explain yourself they re behaving as if this
is news to them. The more information you give, the more you explain, the less they understand,
and that could drive anyone insane. And it also gives them more ammunition, more things to pick
holes in, more things to attack you. If you have to repeat anything, just say the same thing again
using your best customer care tone of voice. Don't try to reword it in the hope they will understand.
If they're using DARVO they probably already do understand. If you re word it they might claim
that you're changing your story, your lying, or you're confusing them even further. So don't fall
for it. And expect the denial. Of course they're going to deny it. The D in DARVO stands for deny.
If know you think about it, they could be covered in chocolate, it's all over their face. You ask,
Did you eat the chocolate? they will say, No. It doesn't matter how ridiculous they look or sound.
But once they deny it, you know what's going to come next, and that's the attack. You expect
them to attack your character, your memory, your motives, your mental health. They will
pull anything out of the bag they can. They will play on your insecurities, your doubts, your past
errors, mistakes, even your regrets. Remember the attacks are aimed at shutting you down. Now if you
said what you need to say, you don't necessarily have to go any further. You can disengage from
there. But if you do have to continue, then it's the same thing. You re brief, you re factual to
and to the point using your customer care tone of voice. Try to stay focused on the issue at hand
regardless of what they come back with. This can be difficult, especially if others are present,
but try not to defend yourself against their allegations. Don't try to get into it a debate,
they will probably accuse you of gaslighting. Try not to get into an argument, especially one with
raised voices, they will use that as evidence of you being abusive. Keep bringing it back to the
actual issue. Next is the role reversal from them being the aggressor to them being the victim. Now
if you have maybe set boundary, for instance, you tell them the only communication has to be
in written form or maybe with a neutral third party present. Then you stick to it. Now to
them this will make you unreasonable, it will make you unfair, it will make you controlling.
Remember DARVO relies heavily on emotive language. It relies on emotive behaviour in order to shame,
guilt trip, sometimes even threaten. Let me put it to you this way, pointing out their actions,
the impact of their actions, setting a boundary, to them is the most cruel, selfish, unkind,
evil thing anyone could ever do to a fellow human being. If they honestly think that that's being
unreasonable, then just be unreasonable. Again, as hard as it is stand your ground and hold onto your
integrity. Disengage if you have to. Remember it's not about winning, it's just about showing them
that DARVO doesn't work. You've made your point. You set your boundary whether they accept it or
not. Now another thing that DARVO relies on is the victims fear of other people's opinions. And
this can be a very painful thing to deal with. I often think that's why narcissistic people often
threaten their victims they're going to tell other people about them. But the things they threatened
to tell are often false allegations. But they threaten to contact their victims friends,
family, workplaces, they threaten to put things out there on social media. They're
relying on the victims fear of a loss of status, not being believed, being rejected,
and the fear of being isolated even further. Which is why I said at the beginning, make sure you have
a good support network around you. If you were in a long term relationship or an environment,
we were psychologically and emotionally abused for a long period of time you might recognise the
abuser often used others to triangulate and to mob you, to further their narrative, to carry out the
abuse on their behalf. These people are commonly referred to as flying monkeys. Again, this might
be difficult, but it might be prudent to minimise the contact with their supporters as much as
possible. Now that might have to mean coming off social media, or maybe blocking some people on
social media so that you don't have to look at their comments. Again, yes it can hurt like Hell
when your character is being assassinated, but sometimes keeping that distance is the best thing
to do to help with your recovery. What you're doing is you're minimising the effect of the blame
shifting, you're not wasting energy in defending yourself against lies. You're putting that energy
into where it needs to be, into your recovery, into managing your boundaries. And lastly,
a lot of people find it helpful to keep a record of what has happened or what has been happening.
Now you might never do anything with those records, you re certainly under no obligation
to show them to anyone, but they can help keep you sane. That could be keeping a diary. It could be
keeping screenshots of messages, keeping texts, emails, anything. Because when things are denied,
whenever you're being blamed, whenever the evidence of your own eyes and ears is being called
into doubt you have a record of things that help keep you grounded and keep things in perspective.
So lastly to summarise, the best way to deal with the DARVO method is to first of all know what it
is, how it works, what it relies on, and how to counter it appropriately. You stay safe, you don't
antagonise. You utilise every bit of support that you can muster. He accept they are what they are,
you accept they will deny it. You don't engage with the attacks and you avoid the role reversal.
You stand your ground, you keep your integrity, maintain your character and try to minimise the
impact of other people s opinions of you. And as I say it can be easier when you don t have to go
through it alone. So what it happens next? Well I ve made videos on what happens when narcissists
lose control over you, what happens when you ignore a narcissist and the kind of things that
can cause a narcissistic collapse if you want to check those out. But if there is anything that
you have found helpful to help manage yourself when people use the DARVO method, if you feel
comfortable enough please feel free to share it in the comment box below. Someone reading
that may benefit from your wisdom and your experience. If you found this video interesting
please consider subscribing to my channel and until next time, thanks for watching.
A friend of mine has recently shared this with me and she's okay with me sharing it with you.
I'm not suggesting this is what you do, okay? But I just like to give you an example of how some
people managed DARVO in the workplace. Now, she said a few years ago she worked in this place and
there was a manager there. He was a real nasty piece of work. He was vindictive, spiteful. He
was very critical, used a lot of bad language and bullying tactics. And anytime anyone tried
to assert themselves he would come down on them like a tonne of bricks and more often than not
they were disciplined. Sometimes there was even a disciplinary taken out against one or two of them.
But what she learnt to do is whenever they were in meetings, anytime he said anything that she
didn't like the sound of, you know, he would be insulting, he would be judgemental, critical, he
would be lying through his teeth. Anytime he did anything like that, she lifted her notebook out
and write it down right in front and wouldn't even hide it, let him see that she was writing it down.
Anytime he gave her instructions she told him to put it into an e-mail, which he very rarely did.
But the times he wouldn't put it in an e-mail, she would send him an e-mail confirming that he
had instructed her to do this. After a period of time other people in that team started to
do the same thing and the guy was running out of wriggle room. One day, she said in a meeting
he went into a complete and utter narcissistic rage, accused everyone of working against him,
everyone plotting against and everyone bullying him and he threatened to take
disciplinary action on every single one of them. Which they suggested perhaps he should. And they
presented about six months worth of emails and notes and minuted meetings showing his behaviour
over that long period of time, and he was the one who was disciplined. But that took courage,
it took patience and it took them to support each other. It feels good when the good guys win.