Speaking of cover-ups-- this guy?
This guy (bleep).
WOMAN: According to this just-released report
in The New Yorker, media company AMI,
which owns the National Enquirer,
paid a doorman, Dino Sajudin, who worked at Trump Tower,
$30,000 to sign a nondisclosure agreement
after he offered the company a salacious story
about the then-candidate Trump during the 2016 election.
The story being that he knew
that Donald Trump had fathered a child with a former employee.
Oh, snap!
(chanting): Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!
Trump might have a secret kid?
I bet everyone
who doesn't know their father right now is panicking.
(laughter)
Yeah, they're phoning their moms like,
"Tell me it wasn't him, Mom! Tell me it wasn't him!
"Tell me it was a crackhead!
Tell me I have crackhead blood, Mama."
Every week we seem to find out that someone else got money
to keep quiet about one of Trump's affairs.
Like, at this point, it's almost like
his dong has its own economy, you know?
Yeah, like, a GDP-- a gross domestic penis.
That's what it feels like right now.
I mean, think about it.
Everyone's getting paid-- doormen, porn stars, lawyers.
At this point, I'm worried
that if Trump stops cheating on Melania,
the stock market'll crash.
There's gonna be another recession.
And now, everyone... everyone in this story
is talking about whether these payoffs
constitute illegal campaign contributions.
That's why it's big news.
But for me, there's a bigger story here.
You realize if you were born in the 1980s,
you might be Donald Trump's child. Yeah.
You could be in line to inherit billions of dollars in debt.
(laughter)
Yeah, in fact, I-I was a child born in the 1980s.
Oh, my gosh!
It's me.
(laughter)
Papa Donald?
(laughter)
I always felt... I always felt like there was something,
something connecting the two of us.
So similar, folks. Everyone said it.
(speaking like Trump): I can see it now.
I'll show you my birth certificate.
But let's move on.
(cheers and applause)
Let's move on from the big news of the week
to how we all get the big news of the week-- Facebook.
In the wake of the Cambridge Analytica scandal,
Congress had questions
about how Facebook gathers and shares user data,
and whether government regulation might be needed
to keep them in check.
So, they called in Facebook CEO
and less-charismatic Rain Man, Mark Zuckerberg
for two days of hearings
involving 44 senators, 55 representatives
and a dazzling array of facial expressions.
Look at all those different facial expressions.
Look at that. So hu-man.
And these long hearings can be grueling,
which is maybe why Zuckerberg
brought an extra cushion with him to sit there.
Look at that. That is so cute. Aw, man.
You got to protect your Silicon Valley,
-you know what I mean? -(laughter)
And now, and now, some of the congresspeople
seem to have done their homework,
but even when they did, they still didn't seem to know
how to ask the right questions.
What was Facemash? And is it still up and running?
You put up pictures of two women
and decide which one was the better...
more attractive of the two, is that right?
I'm communicating with my friends on Facebook and...
indicate that, uh... I love a certain kind of chocolate.
Let's say I'm e-mailing about Black Panther within WhatsApp,
do I get a WhatsA... do I get a Black Panther banner ad?
Okay. First of all, you don't e-mail in WhatsApp.
-(laughter) -That's like saying,
"I'll DM you from my fax machine."
Second of all, who's e-mailing about Black Panther?
Like, what are you writing about?
"To whom it may concern: Is this your king?!
"Is this your king?!
Kind regards, Killmonger."
Now, to be fair, to be fair,
some lawmakers did know what questions to ask,
and that's when Zuckerberg
suddenly became the person who didn't know how Facebook works.
There have been reports that Facebook can track
a user's Internet browsing activity
even after that user has logged off of the Facebook platform.
Can you confirm whether or not this is true?
Um, Senator...
I-I want to make sure I get this accurate,
so it would probably be better to have my team follow up...
So you don't know?
If they choose to delete their account,
how long do you keep their data?
I don't know the answer to that off the top of my head.
I do not have that information... with me.
Senator, I don't know.
Congresswoman... I don't remember
if we had a financial penalty.
You're the CEO of the company...
I'm not... I'm not sure of the answer to that question.
Is it just me, or does Mark Zuckerberg sound like
he was coached by Siri?
So like, "I'm sorry, I don't know the answer to that.
But here are five Chinese restaurants nearby."
That's not what I was searching for!
Like, I'm not saying he should have the answer
to every question, but I think it's a little strange
that the guy who bragged for years about being a genius
suddenly doesn't know where the "like" button is.
You know? It's like Zuckerberg's trying to pull
a reverse Keyser Söze.
He started out smart, and then now he's in trouble,
and he's trying to limp at the end.
It's like, "Dude, we saw you. We know you're smart."
And while there are many things Mark Zuckerberg didn't know,
there was one thing he was sure about:
he was very, very sorry.
We didn't take a broad enough view
of our responsibility, and that was a big mistake.
It was my mistake, and I'm sorry.
It sounds like we made a mistake there,
and I apologize for that.
In retrospect, it was a mistake.
We have made a lot of mistakes in running the company.
It was my mistake, and I'm sorry.
"I'm a human, and I'm sorry."
You know, I just realized something.
This is the first time in a year we've seen a man apologizing
for something and it wasn't sexual harassment.
Yeah. Progress. This is progress, people.
-(cheering, applause) -Look at you, Zuck.
And now, if you started this week thinking that Washington
was going to punish Facebook for how they treated our data,
then I'm sorry--
because, by the looks of it, even Congress doesn't believe
that they can take on Facebook.
Now, here's what's gonna happen.
There are gonna be a whole bunch of bills introduced...
to regulate Facebook.
It's up to you whether they pass or not.
You can go back home...
uh, spend $10 million on lobbyists and fight us,
or you can go back home...
and help us solve this problem.
-What? -(laughter)
So all it takes to beat Congress is $10 million?
That's nothing.
Mark Zuckerberg spends that on his laughing lessons.
He's like, "Moo"?
"No, it's 'ha-ha.' Try again, Mark."
"Woof"? "No, it's 'ha-ha.'"
What Senator Kenny... Kennedy said there
is both depressing and refreshingly honest
at the same time.
Like, he knows that lobbyists rule Washington,
and Facebook can afford a shit-ton of lobbyists.
So all lawmakers can really do is
just chastise Facebook publicly and then ask them nicely
to go and think about what they've done.
That's all they can do. Basically, Congress has to deal
with big corporations the way rich white people
punish their kids-- they just got to be like,
"Young man, there's gonna be consequences for this.
"Now, you go to one of your bedrooms
"and figure out what the consequences should be!
"And give me your iPhone! Here's the newer one.
Go away."
So after ten hours of questioning,
all Congress got was non-answers and robo-sorries.
And while those apologies might have seemed worthless,
the stock market disagreed.
Because once it became clear that Congress wasn't planning
to do anything to regulate Facebook,
the company's stock went up so much
that Zuckerberg's net worth rose by $3 billion
in just the first day of testimony.
Yeah. $3 billion.
That works out to about $10 million a minute.
Just for testifying in Congress.
So I guess what I'm saying is,
Congress, if you need me to testify for some shit...
(laughter, applause)
...I don't know what I did, but I'm sorry.