>> Stephen: WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW," EVERYBODY.
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
WELL, JUST WHEN WE ALL THOUGHT 2020 WAS THE WORST 12 MONTHS OF
OUR LIVES, 2021 SAID, "HOLD MY YEAR."
YOU MIGHT RECALL THAT YESTERDAY, THE OUTGOING PRESIDENT INCITED
AN INSURRECTION AND UNLEASHED AN ANGRY SEDITIOUS MOB THAT STORMED
THE U.S. CAPITOL IN AN ATTEMPT TO STAGE A VIOLENT COUP.
TO OUR WORRIED FRIENDS AND ALLIES ACROSS THE GLOBE--
REST ASSURED, AMERICA KNOWS WE HAVE A PROBLEM, AND ARE SEEKING
TREATMENT.
SOON.
BUT AS WORRIED AS OUR FRIENDS AND ALLIES MIGHT BE, YOU KNOW
WHO SOUNDS MORE WORRIED?
THE PRESIDENT.
BECAUSE JUST A LITTLE WHILE AGO, MY TAPING TIME, HE RELEASED A
VIDEO THAT, CURIOUSLY, CONTAINED NONE OF THE BRAVADO OF YESTERDAY
MORNING.
NO CRIES OF "STOP THE STEAL," NO CALLS FOR ACTION, NO FOMENTING A
MINDLESS MOB AND DECLARATIONS THAT HE WILL NEVER SURRENDER.
ALSO, NO APOLOGY OR ACCEPTANCE OF PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY.
IT DEFINITELY HAS THE FEEL OF SOMEONE THAT HAS BEEN TOLD BY
THEIR LAWYER, THAT IN 13 DAYS-- OR LESS-- THEY CAN BE CHARGED
WITH INSURRECTION, SEDITION, AND INCITING VIOLENCE.
MAYBE HOMICIDE.
I DON'T KNOW.
I'M NOT A LAWYER.
I'M A CLOWN.
LIKE RUDY.
SO, I'M NOT GOING TO SHOW YOU A WORD OF IT, BECAUSE HE DOESN'T
MEAN A WORD OF IT.
A MAN FACING A NOOSE WILL SAY ANYTHING TO SAVE HIS NECK.
OR SAVE HIS SKIN.
IT'S HARD TO TELL.
THERE'S A LOT OF SKIN AROUND THAT NECK.
ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW IS HE'S TERRIFIED, AND IF YOU'RE ONE OF
THE PEOPLE WHO MARCHED UP TO CAPITOL HILL ON HIS ORDERS:
YOU GET OUT YOUR FLAG, PUT ON YOUR HAT, AND YOU GIVE IT A
WATCH.
YOU ALSO MIGHT WANT TO PUT ON A CUP, BECAUSE HE THREW YOU UNDER
THE BUS THAT'S GOING TO TAKE ALL OF YOU TO JAIL.
BECAUSE WHO IS GOING TO DEFEND YOU?
OR HIM?
OR THOSE SENATORS AND CONGRESSMEN FOR WHAT YOU ALL
DID?
FOR PETE'S SAKE, THE "WALL STREET JOURNAL" EDITORIAL BOARD
JUST CALLED ON THE PRESIDENT TO RESIGN.
OVER 100 LAWMAKERS ARE CALLING FOR THE PRESIDENT'S REMOVAL.
AND TODAY, NANCY PELOSI THREATENED TO PURSUE IMPEACHMENT
IF THE PRESIDENT'S CABINET DOES NOT REMOVE HIM USING THE 25TH
AMENDMENT.
THAT IS SOME SERIOUS "ONE OF US HAS TO TAKE AWAY GRANDPA'S CAR
KEYS" ENERGY.
AND MAY I REMIND YOU, THIS CAR HAS NUCLEAR MISSILES.
FOR THOSE OF YOU READING THE CONSTITUTION WHO HAVEN'T GOTTEN
TO THE 25TH AMENDMENT YET-- SPOILER ALERT-- IT ALLOWS THE
CABINET TO REMOVE THE PRESIDENT IF THEY DECLARE HE IS UNABLE TO
DISCHARGE THE POWERS AND DUTIES OF HIS OFFICE.
THAT CHECKS OUT.
ALTHOUGH, I'M PRETTY SURE HE'S DISCHARGED PLENTY OF DUTY IN HIS
OFFICE.
BUT AS A PRACTICAL MATTER, THE VICE PRESIDENT HAS TO ORGANIZE
THE CABINET FOR A VOTE.
SO, TODAY, SPEAKER PELOSI AND SOON-TO-BE SENATE MAJORITY
LEADER CHUCK SCHUMER CALLED THE VICE PRESIDENT TO TALK ABOUT
THIS URGENT SUBJECT-- BUT WERE LEFT ON A HOLDING LINE
FOR 20 MINUTES WITHOUT MR. PENCE PICKING UP.
I BELIEVE WE HAVE THE VICE PRESIDENT'S ANSWERING
SERVICE.
>> YOU'VE REACHED THE OFFICE OF MIKE PENCE.
IF YOU WANT YOUR SON TO STOP BEING GAY, PRESS ONE.
IF YOU WANT YOUR PRESIDENT REMOVED FROM OFFICE, PLEASE
HOLD, YOUR CONSTITUTIONAL CRISIS IS IMPORTANT TO US.
MOTHER, PACK THE BAGS!
( BEEP ) >> Stephen: IN THE PRESIDENT'S
VIDEO, HE SAYS THERE WILL BE AN ORDERLY TRANSITION ON
JANUARY 20."
BUT HE'S NOT SAYING ANYTHING ABOUT WHAT HE'S GOING TO DO
BEFORE THEN.
I'M GUESSING SEND A PALLET OF METH AND MACHETES TO EVERY BASS
PRO SHOP IN THE COUNTRY WITH A NOTE SAYING "MAKE ME PROUD!"
ASIDE FROM HIS FEAR OF REMOVAL OR PROSECUTION, MAYBE BABY JUST
WANTS HIS TOY BACK.
BECAUSE TWITTER LOCKED THE PRESIDENT'S ACCOUNT AFTER HIS
RIOT ON CAPITOL HILL.
GOOD TO KNOW TWITTER IS FINALLY TREATING A VIOLENCE-INCITING
FASCIST AS HARSHLY AS A TEENAGER WHO USED SEVEN SECONDS OF AN
IMAGINE DRAGONS SONG.
YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID, BRAYDEN.
AFTER THE PRESIDENT CONTINUED TO POST LIES ABOUT THE ELECTION,
TWITTER ANNOUNCED HIS ACCOUNT WOULD BE LOCKED FOR 12 HOURS.
WHICH MEANS, LAST NIGHT, THE PRESIDENT HAD THE MOST BORING
POOPS OF HIS LIFE.
OVERALL, IT WAS A TOUGH DAY FOR THE PRESIDENT'S SOCIAL MEDIA
PRESENCE.
HE ALSO GOT BLOCKED FROM POSTING TO FACEBOOK AND INSTAGRAM
INDEFINITELY.
YOUTUBE PULLED HIS VIDEO ADDRESS TO THE RIOTERS, CITING ELECTION
MISINFORMATION, AND AMAZON BANNED HIM FROM ORDERING PIXIE
STICKS BECAUSE THEY GET HIM TOO WOUND UP BEFORE BEDTIME.
WHILE WE ARE ALL HOPING SOMEDAY THE PRESIDENT GETS HIS
COMEUPPANCE.
HE SEEMS DETERMINED TO KEEP HIS UPPANCE UN-COMED.
EARLIER TODAY WE LEARNED THE PRESIDENT HAS SUGGESTED TO AIDES
HE WANTS TO PARDON HIMSELF IN THE FINAL DAYS OF HIS
PRESIDENCY.
JUST WHAT THE FOUNDING FATHERS INTENDED.
REMINDS ME OF THAT GEORGE WASHINGTON QUOTE, "I CHOPPED
DOWN THAT CHERRY TREE AND GOT AWAY WITH IT, ( BLEEP )!
KISS MY WOODEN BALLS!" BUT HE'S NOT BEING STINGY WITH
THE GET-OUT-OF-JAIL-FREE CARDS.
REPORTEDLY, THE PRESIDENT HAS CONSIDERED A RANGE OF PREEMPTIVE
PARDONS FOR DONALD JR., ERIC, IVANKA, JARED KUSHNER, AND RUDY
GIULIANI.
NOTHING FOR MELANIA, BUT, OBVIOUSLY, SHE'S ALREADY SERVING
HARD TIME, THOUGH I'M GUESSING IT WAS PRETTY SOFT.
BUT WHILE THE WRITING SEEMS TO BE ON THE WALL FOR THIS
ADMINISTRATION, NOT EVERYONE IN CONGRESS CAN READ.
LIKE FLORIDA CONGRESSMAN AND MAN DESPERATELY HOPING FOR A
"GUYS AND DOLLS" AUDITION, MATT GAETZ.
LAST NIGHT ON THE FLOOR OF THE HOUSE, WHICH WAS STILL RIDDLED
WITH THE BROKEN GLASS OF THE PRESIDENT'S THUGS, GAETZ FLOATED
A STORY FROM THE "WASHINGTON TIMES" THAT A FACIAL RECOGNITION
COMPANY HAD SEEN THAT SOME OF THE MOB WAS REALLY ANTIFA!
THAT'S KIND OF INTERESTING.
WHAT'S MORE INTERESTING IS THE FACIAL RECOGNITION COMPANY SAID
"NO, WE DIDN'T."
THOUGH THEY DID SAY THEY I.D.'D SOME
NEO-NAZIS IN THE CROWD.
BUT IF YOU'RE GOING TO SELL THE ( BLEEP )-COVERING FANTASY THAT
THE RIOTERS WEREN'T REALLY THE PRESIDENT'S SUPPORTERS, YOU KNOW
WHAT WOULD HELP?
IF THE PRESIDENT'S SUPPORTERS WOULD STOP BRAGGING THAT THEY'RE
THE RIOTERS.
CASE IN POINT, THAT GUY WHO BROKE INTO THE SPEAKER OF THE
HOUSE'S OFFICE.
HIS NAME IS RICHARD "BIGO" BARNETT, AND HE'S THE LEADER
OF A PRO-GUN RIGHTS GROUP IN GRAVETTE, ARKANSAS.
HOW DO I KNOW THIS?
HE IDENTIFIED HIMSELF AS THE INTRUDER TO A "NEW YORK TIMES"
REPORTER.
OUR SOURCE WAS THE "NEW YORK TIMES"!
THAT WAS PRETTY DUMB.
HASN'T HE EVER SEEN THE "TIMES'" MOTTO?
"ALL THE NEWS THAT'S ADMISSIBLE IN COURT."
TIME AND TIME AGAIN, PEOPLE , THESE VIOLENT IDIOTS,
LOOKED RIGHT INTO THE CAMERA, GAVE THEIR CONTACT INFORMATION
AND SAID EXACTLY WHAT THEY WERE UP TO.
>> MA'AM, WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
>> I GOT MACED.
>> YOU GOT MACED.
WHAT HAPPENED?
YOU WERE TRYING TO GO INSIDE THE CAPITOL?
>> YEAH, I MADE IT LIKE A FOOT INSIDE AND THEY PUSHED ME OUT
AND THEY MACED ME.
>> WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
WHERE ARE YOU FROM?
>> MY NAME IS ELIZABETH, I'M FROM KNOXVILLE, TENNESSEE.
>> AND WHY DID YOU WANT TO GO IN?
>> WE'RE STORMING THE CAPITOL!
IT'S A REVOLUTION.
>> STEPHEN: IT'S A REVOLUTION, AND YOU'RE COMPLAINING THAT THEY
MACED YOU?
IN A REAL REVOLUTION, WHEN YOU LOSE, THEY CHOP YOUR ( BLEEP )
HEAD OFF!
AND THEN YOUR PIANO SCARF DOESN'T HAVE ANYTHING TO WRAP
AROUND!
WOULDN'T THAT BE SAD?
IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME, ASK FAILED REVOLUTIONARY... OH,
WAIT, YOU CAN'T, BECAUSE THEY CHOPPED THEIR ( BLEEP ) HEAD
OFF!
AND THAT'S WHERE THEY KEEP THE EARS AND THE MOUTH.
REALLY POOR PLANNING ON THE WHOLE HEAD THING!
ONE OF THE PEOPLE POSTING FROM INSIDE THE INSURRECTION WAS
ACTUALLY A NEWLY-ELECTED MEMBER OF THE WEST VIRGINIA HOUSE OF
DELEGATES.
DELEGATE DERRICK EVANS STREAMED THIS VIDEO ON SOCIAL MEDIA
YESTERDAY: >> WE'RE IN!
WE'RE IN!
DERRICK EVANS IS IN THE CAPITOL!
>> STEPHEN: OKAY, IT'S NEVER A GOOD IDEA TO LIVE-STREAM YOUR
OWN CRIMES.
BUT IF YOU DO, YOU GOT TO REMEMBER NOT TO SHOUT YOUR OWN
NAME.
BANK ROBBERS DON'T SAY: "OKAY, PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG,
REAL CALM AND NO ONE GETS HURT.
OOH, YEAH!
ANOTHER SUCCESSFUL HEIST FOR DOUG SULLIVAN OF 310 RIDGEFIELD
ROAD IN MORRISVILLE, ILLINOIS, 11854."
THOSE GUYS ARE MERELY THE TIP OF THE DOUCHEBERG, WHICH IS WHY THE
F.B.I. IS ASKING FOR THE PUBLIC'S HELP IDENTIFYING
TRUMPISTS WHO STORMED CAPITOL, AND HAS SET UP A WEBSITE FOR
TIPS.
FBI.GOV/USCAPITOL.
AND I'M SURE THEY'RE BEING INUNDATED WITH USEFUL TIPS AS WE
SPEAK.
(AS F.B.I. AGENT) "OKAY, GUYS, LISTEN UP.
WE'VE GOT A HOT TIP TO BE ON THE LOOKOUT FOR KNOWN RIOTER SEYMOUR
BUTTS.
I WANT TO SEYMOUR BUTTS AND HIS ACCOMPLICES, MUNCH MAQUOCHY,
HARRY BALLS, AND BABA-BOOEY!
BABA-BOOEY!
HOWARD STERN'S PENIS!" LET'S GO GET 'EM!
BUT I'M A PATRIOT AND I'M WILLING TO DO MY PART.
SO THIS MORNING, I SCANNED THE PHOTOS FROM THE CAPITOL, AND I
THINK I RECOGNIZE SOME PEOPLE DESTROYING DEMOCRACY.
LIKE THIS GUY.
THAT MIGHT BE SENATOR TED CRUZ?
I WANT TO BE FAIR HERE.
IT COULD THE BLOATED CORPSE OF A DROWNED WOODCHUCK.
AND I'M PRETTY SURE THIS GUY IS MISSOURI
SENATOR JOSH HAWLEY.
I RECOGNIZE HIM FROM HIS TWITTER HANDLE, PEE WEE HERMANN GOERING.
OVER IN THE HOUSE, I THINK THIS IS MINORITY LEADER KEVIN
MCCARTHY, WHO MIGHT BE THE MOST SELF-SERVING, AMORAL PERSON IN
THE HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES, UNLESS HE'S HOME RIGHT NOW.
I'M PRETTY SURE THIS IS MEDAL OF FREEDOM RECIPIENT DEVIN NUNES.
HARD TO RECOGNIZE HIM WITHOUT HIS LIPS ON THE PRESIDENT'S ASS.
AND ALSO I THINK I SAW THE GUY WHO'S GETTING THE MEDAL OF
FREEDOM NEXT WEEK, OHIO CONGRESSMAN JIM JORDAN.
YEAH, THAT IS DEFINITELY HIM, BUT FOLLOWING JORDAN'S EXAMPLE
ON SEXUAL ASSAULT OF COLLEGE WRESTLERS, I'M GOING TO PRETEND
I DIDN'T SEE ANYTHING.
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
MY GUEST IS MRS. MAISEL HERSELF, RACHEL BROSNAHAN.
BUT WHEN WE RETURN, "MEANWHILE."
STICK AROUND.