-Good evening. I'm Seth Meyers. This is "Late Night."
How's everybody doing tonight? [ Cheers and applause ]
Yeah, that's great to hear.
In that case, let's get to the news.
President Biden said yesterday that
the U.S. economic recovery is going to take some time.
Okay, "take some time," like the Amazon option that saves you
a dollar or "take some time" like "Avatar 2"?
If he were any more vague, he'd be a magic eight ball.
[ Laughter ]
President Biden said for the third time yesterday
that the U.S. would respond militarily
if China tries to invade Taiwan.
Well, at least he's capable of taking a firm stand
on problems we don't have yet.
Yeah, yeah, we'll fight China!
Student loans?
Uh, yeah, let me call some people.
In her new memoir, ex-Trump adviser Kellyanne Conway
acknowledges that former President Trump
lost the 2020 election.
I know. I was surprised, too.
However, she does say he lost to William Howard Taft.
She just can't -- can't help but get one lie in there.
According to a new report, ex-Trump attorney Michael Cohen
said in a recent deposition that former President Trump was
afraid of getting pied in the face by demonstrators.
I don't know. That feels like some reverse psychology.
[ Imitating Donald Trump ] "You know what?
You know what would totally own me?
If someone threw an entire
freshly baked pie right in my face.
Even worse, if it had some of that cinnamon
crumble stuff on top of it.
If they also hit me with a side of whipped cream,
oh, I would be so delicious --
I mean, embarrassed."
[ Normal voice ] A guitar played by the late Kurt Cobain
sold in an auction over the weekend for nearly $5 million.
It's the perfect way to say,
"I don't get what he was singing about."
[ Laughter ]
That's working at home with some step-dads right now.
That joke's landing with some step-dads right now at home,
and I'm willing to suffer through this moment
with you guys.
But I see you.
[ Whispering ] Step-dads.
Step-dads, I see you.
Sorry about everybody here. They're doing their own thing.
[ Laughter ]
[ Normal voice ] The fast food chain Arby's announced yesterday
that it will add a hamburger to its menu
for the first time in its history,
but people don't go to Arby's because they want a burger.
They go there because everything else is closed.
[ Laughter ]
Bruce Springsteen & The E Street Band announced
today that they'll go on tour next year
after a six-year hiatus.
Though, just to be safe, they're gonna put a sneeze guard
between Bruce and Stevie.
[ Light laughter ]
[Whispering ] Step-dads.
[ Laughter ]
I don't know why I tried to do two for you in the same show.
[ Normal voice ] Firefighters in New Jersey recently removed
a four-foot Monitor lizard from a tree
in a residential neighborhood.
Isn't that wild?
There's a tree in New Jersey.
[ Laughter ]
Don't shake your head, Wally.
Our cue card, New Jersey's Wally over on cue cards is like,
"Ohh, trees."
[ Laughter ]
It's just very distracting to read cue cards when you're
scoffing at the punchline.
-I have two trees in my yard. -What did you say?
-I have two trees in my own yard.
-Two trees? Well!
Ol' two-tree Wally.
[ Laughter ]
Are you gonna go to Wally's two-tree summer party?
[ Laughter ]
And finally, New York City yesterday removed its last
public payphone from service.
But don't worry, anywhere else in New York
will still be a public restroom.
And that was a monologue, everybody.
We've got a great show for you tonight.