-Welcome to "The Tonight Show," everybody.
Let's get to the news and jokes.
Well, guys, I hope everyone's doing a little better
after last night's presidential debate.
My only wish for tonight is that you laugh at these jokes
as much as Joe Biden laughed at President Trump.
[ Biden laughing ]
-What about those questions? -I will say...
-Less than -- Sir --
[ Imitating Biden laughter ]
[ Laughing rhythmically ]
♪♪
After last night's disaster, Trump and Biden both confirmed
they will appear at the next debate.
Meanwhile, Americans were like,
"Yeah, you guys have fun with that."
I can't believe there's two more of these.
It's like getting food poisoning at Chipotle
then trying to clean out your system with more Chipotle.
The reviews of last night's debate are in,
and here's what the media had to say.
-This was the most chaotic
presidential debate I've ever seen.
-What happened on that debate stage was unlike anything
that has ever happened on a presidential debate stage.
-That was a hot mess
inside a dumpster fire inside a train wreck.
-It was undignified at many times. It was cringeworthy.
-I'm at a bit of a loss for words here
to describe what we've just witnessed.
-That was a [bleep] show.
[ Laughter ]
-It's not a good sign when the presidential debate
gets the same reviews as "Cats."
[ Laughter ]
Seriously, it was like watching "The View" on bath salts.
It was like watching a debate between two deejay air horns.
[ Rasta air horns blaring ]
[ Laughter ]
It was a lot to stomach.
If the debate aired on Netflix,
they would have had a popup that asked,
"How are you still watching?"
All this morning's headlines
were about what a disaster the debate was.
Like, the "New York Post" headline said
"A Hot Mess of a Debate."
Or a "Washington Post" one that said "Trump Sets The Tone
For The Worst Presidential Debate In Living Memory."
And this headline said
"Millions Stay Up Till 4AM
Googling 'How Do I Move To Canada?'"
[ Laughter ]
This one said "Dew Garita Stock Up 75%."
And finally this last headline says
"Priests seen yelling, 'Yes, today, Satan.'"
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
[ Laughs ]
"Yes, today, Satan."
Oh. The debate was crazy.
Some people compared it to a circus.
And get this -- during CNN's post-debate coverage,
Van Jones shared a message from actual circus workers.
-Circus workers actually reached out to my team.
They say, "Actually, we take offense.
We are careful and respectful people,
and we work very carefully together."
So the circus workers are taking offense
that this was worse than a circus.
-Yeah.
Clowns don't want to be compared to Trump.
They were like, "Sure, we both wear a lot of makeup,
but we pay way more in taxes."
You know it's a crazy night when a guy on CNN
very seriously says,
"I've just received a message from some circus workers and...
[ Laughter ]
...they're not pleased."
Of course, one of the biggest moments
that everyone's still talking about
is when Trump failed to condemn white supremacists
and instead told them to "stand back and stand by."
Here are some reactions to that comment.
-It was really a sad night for our country
in that the President of the United States
would not dissociate himself from white supremacists.
-Donald Trump blew the biggest layup
in the history of debates by saying --
not condemning white supremacists.
-Yeah, it's not good when you ask the President
if he'll condemn white supremacy,
and the "Jeopardy!" music starts playing in his head
while he thinks it over.
[ "Final Jeopardy!" theme plays ]
♪♪
[ Theme ends ]
[ Laughter ]
Thank you. That was my "Jeopardy!" space work.
I can do other -- -Hey!
-Thank you very much. -You pay for it.
-I know, yeah. I do other game shows.
I do whatever you guys want. I do birthday parties.
If your kid likes a certain game show, I'll do that.
You know, space work. I don't bring any props.
I let the kid imagine where I am, what I'm holding.
[ Laughter ]
Could be a light pen. Could be, you know, a buzzer.
Could be -- It's just a lot of fun.
[ "Final Jeopardy!" theme plays ]
-No, no, please, I can't do it. Not now. I'm too busy.
My wife and kids are here. Don't make me do it.
-Do it! -Don't make me do it.
I just don't -- -Do it!
[ "Final Jeopardy!" theme plays ]
♪♪
[ Theme fades out ]
[ Applause ] -Wait. Please.
I'm trying to eat my dinner. I'm trying to eat my dinner.
-On that one, it looked like you were doing math, though.
-Yeah, I was. That's correct.
That's what -- That's the whole fun of it, yeah.
I let you have your own adventure, you know?
-Yeah. -You're welcome.
-The Human Escape Room. -Yeah.
-Love it.
[ Laughter ]
-Are you talking about my brain?
It's like a Human Escape Room, yeah, trying to get out.
I saw that this morning "Fox & Friends"
tried offering Trump some tips for the next debate.
Check out how they did it.
-Here's my advice for the President on the next debate.
One, interrupt less.
Two, let Biden flail around.
And, three, sum it up.
-"Fox & Friends" is just slowly turning into
"Sesame Street" for Trump.
[As Trump] "Loaf of bread, container of milk,
stick of butter.
Loaf of bread, container of milk, stick of butter.
Loaf of bread."
[Normal voice] And, finally, this isn't good.
I read that more people are experiencing cracked teeth.
They're experiencing cracked teeth, and the reason
is pretty interesting. Take a look.
-One dentist says that he's seeing five or ten times
more cracked teeth a day.
That's what's happening with stress in the pandemic.
Anxiety can cause you to clench
or grind your teeth more at night,
and that in turn can cause your teeth to crack.
-Man, oh, man. In 2020, even our teeth are divided.