♪♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
Let's get to the news.
Happy New Year, everyone!
Tonight is our first show of 2023.
It was going to be yesterday, but I was on Southwest, so.
[ Laughter ]
The House held its vote today to elect a new speaker
and went to multiple ballots for the first time in 100 years.
It's the moment every member of Congress fears --
having to work longer hours.
[ Laughter ]
President Biden is set tomorrow to promote
the bipartisan infrastructure bill at an event in Kentucky
with Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell.
That's right, America's crumbling infrastructure
is going to promote the bipartisan infrastructure bill.
[ Laughter ]
The CDC is warning that a new variant
of the Omicron strain of coronavirus
has nearly doubled over the past week,
so it looks like COVID is the only thing
that's actually doing new year, new me.
[ Laughter ]
Republicans took control today of the House of Representatives
for the first time in four years.
Well, the first legal time in four years.
[ Laughter ]
George Santos was sworn in today as a member
of the House of Representatives in the state of New York
and, not as he originally claimed,
Pandora.
[ Laughter ]
[ Fresh laughter ]
We had a moment backstage.
We were like, "Do we think everybody's
up to speed on the George Santos story?"
[ Laughter ]
Been two weeks. Everybody's with family.
They're not going to be reading the news every day.
And now we know.
[ Laughter ]
Did you guys know "Avatar" came out?
[ Laughter ]
Former President Trump was reportedly DJing
on his iPad at Mar-A-Lago last week...
[ Laughter ]
...and played Celine Dion's "My Heart Will Go On."
[ Laughter ] Wow, the guy definitely knows
how to get a party started.
[ Laughter ]
What'd he play at midnight,
"Everybody Hurts" by R.E.M.?
[ Laughter ] [ As Trump ] Of course,
no one hurts more than I do.
[ Laughter ]
That's right, Trump was DJing on his iPad
last week at Mar-A-Lago
and I think the legal bills are piling up for him
because every song was followed by a Spotify ad.
[ Laughter ]
[ As Trump ] Just a few quick words
from my friends at Spotify.
[ Laughter ]
According to newly released testimony,
former First Lady Melania Trump was upset
that Rudy Giuliani was allowed inside the White House residence
and was worried about him seeing her wearing a bathrobe.
Or, 1,000 times more likely,
her seeing him in one.
[ Laughter ]
New York state's first licensed marijuana store opened last week
in Manhattan at 4:20 p.m.,
and it must be good weed
because it was supposed to open at 10:00 a.m.
[ Laughter ]
And finally, yesterday was
National 55 Mile Per Hour Speed Limit Day,
or, as it's called in New Jersey,
the texting lane.
[ Laughter ]
House Republican leader Kevin McCarthy failed to secure
enough votes to ascend to the Speakership today
after a fifth ballot.
Incidentally, a fifth is also
what he drank during the vote.
[ Laughter ]
"Son of a gun."
[ Laughter ]
20 House Republicans voted
against GOP leader Kevin McCarthy
during today's fifth Speaker ballot.
God, you guys can't even have
a red wave amongst yourselves.
[ Laughter ]
The White House said yesterday that President Biden has
no plans to intervene in the House Speaker election
after Republican Kevin McCarthy failed to secure enough votes
during the second ballot to ascend to the Speakership,
at least not until it stops being hilarious.
[ Laughter ]
During his inaugural address yesterday,
Florida governor Ron DeSantis criticized Democrats' agenda
and said, quote, "Florida is where woke goes to die."
In fact,
it's where everything goes to die.
[ Laughter and applause ]
So, to be fair.
According to newly released Congressional testimony,
ex-White House adviser Kellyanne Conway said
that former President Trump is afraid
of former First Lady Melania Trump.
Well, she is an immigrant.
[ Laughter ]
Disgraced...
Disgraced cryptocurrency exchange founder
Sam Bankman-Fried pleaded not guilty yesterday
in federal court on a series of charges
including money laundering,
which from the looks of him
may be the only thing he's ever laundered.
[ Laughter ]
The Southwest Airlines pilot union
published a letter yesterday
denouncing the carrier's leadership and said
the company was turning into a cult.
Even worse, they only give you
half a Kool-Aid.
[ Laughter ]
Anytime you can make a joke both about how small
the beverage servings are on airlines
and Jonestown...
[ Laughter ]
...comedy gold.
A woman in West Virginia
recently had her wallet returned to her
nearly 55 years after she lost it at a high school dance.
"That's not all she lost,"
said her 54-year-old daughter.
[ Laughter ]
You guys did the math very quickly.
[ Laughter ]
The makers of International Delight coffee creamer
have announced they will release a new flavor
inspired by the Central Perk coffee shop on "Friends."
Although, I don't know if you can call vanilla "new."
[ Laughter ]
Two people in Florida were arrested recently
after one of them allegedly called 911
to get help moving items
from a home they were burglarizing.
But to be fair, the police did help.
[ Laughter ]
It's a jail cell.
When you put too much nice furniture in a jail cell,
it just looks like a studio apartment in New York City.
[ Laughter ]
Like, everybody saw that, they were like, "Well, ehhh..."
[ Laughter ]
"You say I get three meals a day?"
[ Laughter ]
And finally, a man in Idaho
recently set a Guinness World Record
after stomping 100 balloons in 22.38 seconds.
It was for Most Ruined Birthday Party.
[ Laughter ]
President Biden said yesterday that he will travel next week
to the southern border
for the first time since taking office.
When asked if it was dangerous, the Secret Service said,
"A little, but we don't think he'll actually try to escape."
[ Laughter ]
The House of Representatives adjourned last night
after a sixth round of voting for House Speaker
and reconvened today at noon.
Because nothing says "we're working hard
to solve this problem" like starting at noon.
[ Laughter ]
Former President Trump reportedly called
House Republican leader Kevin McCarthy on Monday night
ahead of the Speaker vote
and urged him to accept all of the Freedom Caucus's demands.
But unfortunately McCarthy told him
hair gel in the water fountains wasn't feasible.
[ Laughter ]
Goldman Sachs this week ended its free coffee perk
for employees, which is weird,
because there are still piles of sugar on the desks?
[ Audience ohs, laughs ]
A federal appeals court ruled -- [ Light laughter ]
A federal appeals court ruled last week
that a teacher in Washington State
who wore a MAGA hat to school
was protected by the 1st Amendment.
"Cool," said one of his students.
[ Laughter ]
According to a new report, nearly half of American workers
are planning to look for a new job in the next six months.
And some will still be looking for the same one.
[ Laughter ]
The "New York Post" recently launched a contest
for high school students to win a chance to publish an article,
and it was a reminder...
you cannot trust Hannah R. with anything.
[ Laughter ]
A baby gear start-up company this week unveiled
a $3,300 self-driving stroller.
Previously, all the self-driving strollers on the market
only worked on hills.
[ Laughter ]
Mechan-- [ Laughs ]
Mechanics at a Florida car dealership
recently found a rabbit trapped in the vehicle's motor
while doing an oil change.
Said the mechanic, "So, that's gonna be at least another $750,
and I can't even get another rabbit here
until late next week."
[ Laughter ]
Today was National Screenwriters Day.
They spent it -- interior -- Starbucks --
pretending to work.
[ Laughter ]
And finally, today was also National Bird Day.
Or, as they call it in New Jersey,
a turn signal.
You guys... [ Laughter and applause ]
...that was the monologue.
♪♪