>> Stephen: WELCOME, WELCOME, CITIZENS, TO "A LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
WELL, FELLOW AMERICANS, THE BIG STORY TODAY-- AND WE'LL BE
TALKING ABOUT IT IN THE BIG SCRIPT WE HAVE HERE--
WILL BE THE BIG STORY FROM YESTERDAY, WHICH WAS ALSO THE
BIG STORY FROM LAST WEEK, WHICH IS JUST THE GRAND FINALE OF THE
STORY FROM THE LAST FOUR YEARS.
IT'S BEEN SIX DAYS SINCE MAGA TERRORISTS RANSACKED THE CAPITOL
BUILDING, BUT THE DANGER HAS NOT PASSED.
YESTERDAY, THE F.B.I. RELEASED A BULLETIN INDICATING THAT "ARMED
PROTESTS" ARE BEING PLANNED AT ALL 50 STATE CAPITOLS.
STILL WANT TO BE A STATE, PUERTO RICO?
THERE MIGHT BE AN OPENING SOON.
THE F.B.I. WARNED THAT THE ARMED PROTESTS ARE BEING PLANNED FROM
JANUARY 16 THROUGH AT LEAST JANUARY 20.
FOUR DAYS THAT'S NOT AN ANTI-GOVERNMENT
INSURGENCY.
THAT'S A MUSIC FESTIVAL.
IT'S "COUP-CHELLA"-- WHICH IS REALLY THE ONLY PLACE IT'S
APPROPRIATE TO GO SHIRTLESS IN BUFFALO HORNS.
AND IT'S NOT JUST STATE CAPITOLS.
YESTERDAY, MEMBERS OF CONGRESS WERE BRIEFED ON THREE PLANNED
RIOTS FOR D.C.
THE MOST CONCERNING PLOT WOULD INVOLVE INSURRECTIONISTS FORMING
A PERIMETER AROUND THE CAPITOL, THE WHITE HOUSE, AND THE SUPREME
COURT, AND THEN BLOCKING DEMOCRATS FROM ENTERING THE
CAPITOL-- PERHAPS EVEN KILLING THEM-- SO THAT REPUBLICANS COULD
TAKE CONTROL OF THE GOVERNMENT.
WHAT KIND OF PLAN IS THAT?
THEY'RE GOING TO KILL A BUNCH OF PEOPLE, BUT AFTER THAT, IT'S
JUST BACK TO SEVENTH GRADE CIVICS AND WE'RE NOT GOING TO
NOTICE?
THERE'S A REASON THE FIRST ARTICLE OF THE CONSTITUTION
ISN'T "THE HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES SHALL BE
COMPOSED OF MEMBERS CHOSEN EVERY SECOND YEAR BY THE PEOPLE--
UNLESS, OF COURSE, ONE SIDE MURDERS THE OTHER SIDE, IN WHICH
CASE, IT'S 'GRAND THEFT AUTO' RULES."
AND CONGRESS DID RECEIVE SOME HELPFUL SAFETY TIPS, AS THEY
WERE REMINDED THAT "THE PURCHASE OF A BULLETPROOF VEST IS A
REIMBURSABLE EXPENSE."
GOOD TO KNOW.
SAME REASON LINCOLN GOT TO WRITE OFF THOSE THEATER TICKETS.
FOR ALMOST A WEEK NOW, WE'VE HAD PEOPLE TRYING TO TELL US WHAT WE
SAW ISN'T WHAT WE SAW, WHICH IS WHY TODAY, IT WAS REASSURING
TO HEAR FROM F.B.I. OFFICIAL STEVEN D'ANTUONO-- DO I HAVE
THAT RIGHT?
LET'S SAY I HAVE THAT RIGHT-- WHO MADE IT CLEAR: THE MAGA
MANIACS WHO TRIED TO OVERTHROW THE GOVERNMENT ARE GOING TO PAY.
>> THE F.B.I. HAS WORKED HAND IN HAND WITH THE UNITED STATES
ATTORNEY'S OFFICE AND OUR LAW ENFORCEMENT PARTNERS HERE IN
D.C. AND ACROSS THE COUNTRY TO ARREST AND CHARGE MULTIPLE
INDIVIDUALS WHO TOOK PART IN THE DESTRUCTION.
IN SIX DAYS, WE HAVE OPENED OVER 160 CASE FILES, AND THAT'S JUST
THE TIP OF THE ICEBERG.
>> Stephen: THAT'S AN APT METAPHOR UPON
THE MAGA CROWD HAS A LOT IN COMMON WITH ICEBERGS: COLD;
WHITE; AND WHEN THE HEAT IS ON, TEY JUST MELT BEFORE YOUR EYES.
IT WAS VALIDATING TO HEAR SOMEONE, ANYONE, TAKE THIS WHOLE
THING AS SERIOUSLY AS IT DESERVES.
>> TO BE CLEAR, THE BRUTALITY THE AMERICAN PEOPLE WATCHED WITH
SOCK AND DISBELIEF ON THE 6th WOULD NOT BE TOLERATED BY
THE F.B.I.
THE MEN AND WOMEN OF THE F.B.I.
WILL LEAVE NO STONE UNTURNED IN THIS INVESTIGATION.
>> Stephen: SO, MAGA-HEADS WHO THOUGHT THE FEDS WERE OUT TO GET
YOU, I'M HAPPY TO SAY, THEY ARE NOW.
I HAVE A FEELING YOU'LL SOON BE OCCUPYING ANOTHER FEDERAL
BUILDING FOR A LONG TIME.
THEN IT WAS TIME TO HEAR FROM ACTING U.S. ATTORNEY FOR THE
DISTRICT OF COLUMBIA, AND I'M AGAIN, MICHAEL SHERWIN.
AM I SAYING SHERWIN CORRECTLY?
SHERWIN?
LET'S SAY I AM.
SO FAR, THE MAGA MOB HAS BEEN ARRESTED FOR MINOR CRIMES, LIKE
TRESPASSING, BUT SHERWIN TOLD US THINGS ARE GOING TO GET SERIOUS.
>> THE F.B.I., WORKING WITH THE U.S. ATTORNEYS' OFFICES ACROSS
THE COUNTRY-- AND THE CRUX OF THOSE BEING IN D.C.-- WE'RE
LOOKING AT SIGNIFICANT FELONY CASES TIED TO SEDITION AND
CONSPIRACY.
>> Stephen: SEDITION.
YOU MAGA TERRORISTS MUST BE PRETTY PROUD!
YOU'RE FINALLY BEING TREATED JUST LIKE THOSE GUYS WHOSE FLAG
YOU LOVE TO CARRY!
BUT YOU KNOW WHO'S NOT TAKING ALT-RIGHT TERRORISM SERIOUSLY?
THE PRESIDENT.
YESTERDAY, HE HAD A PHONE CALL WITH HOUSE MINORITY LEADER,
KEVIN McCARTHY, SEEN HERE REALIZING THAT GOD HAS CURSED
HIM TO BE KEVIN McCARTHY.
AND INSTEAD OF ACKNOWLEDGING WHAT REALLY HAPPENED, THE
PRESIDENT BLAMED STORMING THE CAPITOL ON "ANTIFA PEOPLE."
WHAT?
THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
YOU INVITED THOSE RIOTERS TO YOUR RALLY IN WASHINGTON.
THEY WERE WEARING YOUR SHIRTS, YOUR HATS, WAVING YOUR FLAG, AND
THEY CHEERED WHEN YOU TOLD THEM TO GO MARCH ON THE CAPITOL.
FROM NOW ON, NEUROLOGISTS ARE GOING TO HOLD UP PICTURES LIKE
THIS TO STROKE VICTIMS AND SAY, "CAN YOU TELL ME WHOSE
SUPPORTERS THESE ARE?" AND IF THEY DON'T SAY, "THEY'RE
MAGA PEOPLE," YOU KNOW IT'S TIME TO TAKE AWAY THEIR CAR KEYS.
THIS ANTIFA EXCUSE IS SO RIDICULOUS THAT EVEN THE
NORMALLY SPINE-FREE ZONE OF KEVIN McCARTHY PUSHED BACK,
SAYING, "IT'S NOT ANTIFA.
IT'S MAGA.
I KNOW.
I WAS THERE."
FINDING OUT THIS LATE IN THE GAME
THAT KEVIN McCARTHY HAS THE ABILITY TO NAME REALITY IN THE
FACE OF THE PRESIDENT'S LIES IS LIKE FINDING OUT THAT TOM HANKS
IN "CASTAWAY" HAD A BOAT THE WHOLE TIME.
WHY DIDN'T YOU USE IT BEFORE, YOU IDIOT?
DID WILSON STOP YOU?
YOU COULD HAVE BEEN HAPPY WITH HELEN HUNT!
SHE SEEMS VERY NICE.
NOW, ON THE PEACEFUL TRANSITION OF POWER, McCARTHY TOLD POTUS HE
SHOULD CALL JOE BIDEN, MEET WITH THE PRESIDENT-ELECT, AND FOLLOW
TRADITION AND LEAVE A WELCOME LETTER IN THE RESOLUTE DESK FOR
HIS SUCCESSOR.
WELL, WE ACTUALLY HAVE A COPY OF THE FIRST DRAFT OF THE
PRESIDENT'S WELCOME LETTER.
"IF YOU EVER WANT TO SEE DEOCRACY AGAIN, LEAVE A
WHEELBARROW OF CHICKEN NUGGETS WITH THE CONCIERGE AT MY HOTEL."
NOW, PROTECTING THE COUNTRY FROM ITS DERANGED RULER MIGHT COME
DOWN TO VICE PRESIDENT MIKE PENCE, SEEN HERE AT ONE OF THE
PRESIDENT'S "WHO SHOULD YOU MURDER NEXT" RALLIES.
( LAUGHTER )
PASSED A RESOLUTION TODAY ASKING PENCE TO REMOVE THE PRESIDENT
USING THE 25th AMENDMENT.
AND YOU'D THINK PENCE WOULD BE INTO THE IDEA, CONSIDERING THE
WHOLE "HANG HIM" THING.
BUT YOU WOULD BE DEAD WRONG, BECAUSE YESTERDAY, AFTER DAYS OF
SILENCE, THE PRESIDENT AND MIKE PENCE SPOKE FOR THE FIRST TIME,
MEETING IN THE OVAL OFFICE, AND AGREED THAT THOSE WHO BROKE THE
LAW AND STORMED THE CAPITOL LAST WEEK DO NOT REPRESENT THEIR
POLICY OF AMERICA FIRST.
OF COURSE THIS MOB VIOLENCE WASN'T AMERICA FIRST.
IT WAS IN GERMANY FIRST.
SO, APPARENTLY, IT'S ALL WATER UNDER THE GALLOWS NOW.
I CANNOT FATHOM THIS TYPE OF SELF-DESTRUCTIVE LOYALTY.
BUT I GUESS IT'S WORTH IT FOR THE REWARD: MIKE WAS NAMED WHITE
HOUSE EMPLOYEE OF THE WEEK!
IT COMES WITH A $10 COUPON TO SUBWAY AND INSTRUCTIONS TO THE
MOB SO THEY CAN CATCH MIKE PENCE AT SUBWAY.
WITH THE 25th AMENDMENT OPTION OFF THE TABLE, HOUSE DEMOCRATS
ARE SET TO IMPEACH THE PRESIDENT.
I'LL CATCH YOU UP ON THE LATEST IN OUR "BACK BY UNPOPULAR
DEMAND" SEGMENT, "DON AND THE GIANT IMPEACH 2: GO FAST, WE'RE
FURIOUS."
>> THAT WAS A CLOSE ONE.
>> Stephen: EVEN THOUGH THEIR OWN LIVES WERE THREATENED BY THE
COUP THAT THE PRESIDENT INSTIGATED, ONLY A HANDFUL OF
REPUBLICANS HAVE BACKED REMOVING HIM FROM OFFICE.
THE REST ARE SAYING, "OH, THERE'S ONLY SEVEN DAYS LEFT."
MAY I REMIND YOU, SEVEN DAYS IS A LONG TIME WHEN YOU LET A
LUNATIC BE THE MOST POWERFUL MAN IN THE WORLD.
IF A GRIZZLY BEAR SHOWS UP AT A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY, YOU
DON'T SAY, "THERE'S ONLY 45 MINUTES LEFT, LET'S JUST RUN
OUT THE CLOCK WHILE HE GNAWS ON TYLER."
MAKE YOURSELF BIGGER, TYLER!
IT FRIGHTENS THEM!
ONE FORMER SENATE AIDE EXPLAINED THAT, FOR REPUBLICANS, HOLDING
THE PRESIDENT ACCOUNTABLE IS "STILL POLITICALLY PROBLEMATIC."
YES, REPUBLICAN LAWMAKERS DESPERATELY NEED THE PRESIDENT'S
SUPPORTERS TO LIKE THEM!
I MEAN, THEIR HANDS ARE TIED!
ALMOST LITERALLY.
THE G.O.P. HAS NEW TALKING POINTS FOR WHY THEY THINK
REMOVING THE PRESIDENT IS THE WRONG MOVE:
>> LET'S TRY TO COME TOGETHER.
>> I THINK THE FIRST THING WE NEED TO DO AS LEADERS IN
AMERICA IS LOWER THE TEMPERATURE AND TRY TO COME TOGETHER.
>> I THINK WE NEED TO LOWER THE RHETORIC.
WE NEED TO GET SOME UNITY GOING.
>> Stephen: OKAY, LET'S UNIFY IN PUNISHING ALL THE
INSURRECTIONISTS AND THEIR POLITICAL LEADERS WHO
LEGITIMIZED THEIR HOMICIDAL FANTASIES.
THERE CAN BE NO HEALING UNTIL THE SICKNESS IS IDENTIFIED AND
REMOVED.
AND YOU CAN DO IT NOW!
THE TUMOR LOST HIS TWITTER FEED!
BECAUSE UNITY'S GREAT!
I'M ALL FOR UNITY.
SO, REPUBLICANS, WHAT'S YOUR OUTREACH TO THE OTHER SIDE?
YOU GOT TO ANTE UP.
YOU DON'T GET TO STAY IN THE GAME IF YOU DON'T TOSS IN A CHIP
OF GOOD FAITH.
THE OTHER SIDE IS GOING TO STOP THIS FROM HAPPENING AGAIN BY
GETTING RID OF THE GUY WHO CAUSED IT.
WHAT ARE YOU WILLING TO DO TO HELP?
BECAUSE, SO FAR, YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING.
THEY WERE SIMPLY CERTIFYING A FREE AND FAIR ELECTION-- AN
ELECTION THAT YOU KNEW WAS FREE AND FAIR-- BUT YOU LIED ABOUT IT
ANYWAY, BECAUSE YOU WANTED CAMPAIGN CASH AND EYEBALLS AND,
YOU WERE AFRAID TO MAKE YOUR BOSS AND HIS MAGA MONSTER MAD.
YOUR LIES LEGITIMIZED THE FANTASIES OF A VIOLENT,
ANTI-DEMOCRATIC MOB THAT NEARLY GOT YOU AND YOUR COLLEAGUES
KILLED, AND DID GET A POLICEMAN MURDERED.
NOW YOU WANT TO USE YOUR HOLLOW CALLS FOR UNITY TO SWEEP IT ALL
UNDER THE RUG?
WELL, GOOD LUCK WITH THAT, BROTHER, BECAUSE THE RIOTERS
ALSO POOPED ON YOUR RUGS.
NOW, AS THE PRESS CONFERENCE MADE CLEAR TODAY, THE FEDS ARE
ARRESTING MEMBERS OF THE MAGA-WAFFEN IN LARGE NUMBERS.
TO DO SO, THE F.B.I. HAS STREAMLINED THE PROCESS.
THEY'VE GIVEN ALL THEIR FIELD OFFICES A LIST OF QUESTIONS TO
ASK ALL POTENTIAL SUSPECTS.
IT'S PRETTY SIMPLE STUFF LIKE, "WERE YOU IN WASHINGTON ON THE
AFTERNOON OF JANUARY 6?" "DO YOU BELIEVE THE U.S.
PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION WAS STOLEN?"
AND "WHO DID YOU ROOT FOR?
INDIANA JONES OR THE MELTING-FACE NAZI GUY?"
NOW, WITH THE HELP OF ONLINE DETECTIVES, THE F.B.I. IS SLOWLY
BUT SURELY TRACKING THESE PEOPLE DOWN AND ARRESTING THEM.
CASE IN POINT, THIS JACK-HOLE IN THE VIKING HAT IS NAMED JAKE
ANGELI.
HOW DO WE KNOW THAT'S HIS NAME?
WELL, AMONG OTHER REASONS, ANGELI ACTUALLY CALED THE
F.B.I. HIMSELF TO ACKNOWLEDGE HE WAS THE PERSON IN PHOTOGRAPHS
OF THE RIOT AND TOLD A REPORTER HE WAS NOT AFRAID OF ARREST.
WHY DOES HE THINK HE CAN CALL THE F.B.I. AND JUST EXPLAIN AWAY
HIS CRIME?
♪ WHITE PRIVILEGE ♪ OH, THANK YOU, "LATE SHOW"
CHOIR.
( LAUGHTER )
SHAMAN-- WENT ON TO EXPLAIN, "AND EVEN IF I WAS ARRESTED,
WASN'T GANDHI ARRESTED A LOT?
WASN'T MARTIN LUTHER KING JR. ARRESTED A LOT?
WASN'T JESUS ARRESTED?" YES, FOR NON-VIOLENT PROTEST--
KIND OF THEIR THING.
JESUS NEVER SAID, "LET HE WHOSE CANDIDATE DID NOT WIN CAST THE
FIRST STONE.
AND THE SECOND.
AND THE THIRD.
HANG MIKE PENCE!" SINCE HIS ARREST, ANGELI, A
FAILED ACTOR WHO LIVES WITH HIS MOM, HAS GONE ON A HUNGER
STRIKE-ISH.
HE "WON'T EAT IN JAIL BECAUSE HE NEEDS 'ORGANIC FOOD.'"
SO, YOU'VE JUST BEEN ARRESTED FOR TRYING TO OVERTHROW THE
GOVERNMENT OF THE UNITED STATES IN A VIOLENT COUP THAT KILLED
FIVE PEOPLE, AND YOU'RE COMPLAINING ABOUT THE MENU?
WHAT WOULD YOU EVEN CALL THAT?
♪ WHITE PRIVILEGE ♪ THANK YOU.
"EXCUSE ME, OFFICER.
I ORDERED THE ORGANIC SPINACH FRITATTA WITH WHEAT TOAST, AND I
GOT EXPIRED HAM ON WONDER BREAD.
I AM TELLING YOU-- THIS IS A WARNING-- I'M GOING TO GIVE THIS
PRISON ZERO STARS.
OKAY, NOW I'M BEING STABBED IN THE RIBS.
THAT SHIV BETTER BE GLUTEN-FREE!"
NOW, BRACE YOURSELF: A JUDGE HAS RULED IN ANGELI'S FAVOR,
WE'VE LEARNED THAT THE SHAMAN WILL GET HIS ORGANIC FOOD.
WELL, THAT'S JUST STANDARD.
WE ALL REMEMBER WHAT THE ANONYMOUS FEDERAL AGENTS SAID
THIS SUMMER WHILE SHOVING PROTESTERS INTO UNMARKED VANS:
>> WOULD YOU LIKE THE CHICKEN OR THE FISH!
CHICKEN OR THE FISH?!
NOW!
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
THE FORMER DIRECTOR OF THE F.B.I., JAMES COMEY, IS HERE.
STICK AROUND.
♪ ♪ ♪