Uh, I'm from the Midwest.
Is anyone familiar with that part of town?
Like my family's really into being all American.
They love it. They're really into it.
Like my dad puts ketchup on steak,
and my mom has, like, a ton of aprons.
And, like, I'm a little different from them.
You know? Like I like to talk about yogurt.
Do we have any yogurt heads in the crowd?
Any yogurt heads?
Yogurt heads, let me hear you go "Yo."
Crowd: Yo!
That's good. That's very good.
I know we're out there. Yogurt heads are my target demographic.
Yogurt heads, let me ask you a question.
You ever find that the older you get,
yogurt kind of becomes a creamy desert?
Woman: Yeah!
Yes.
You ever call Greek yogurt "the thick stuff"?
Yogurt heads, do you ever think to yourself,
"Fruit should be at the bottom"?
All right, I'm done with that bit.
I'm sorry to all the people that don't like yogurt.
That part wasn't for you.
You just gotta accept it.
I've had some dark times.
I'm kind of a sad person.
I-- Like I tried to kill myself twice,
but the darkest I ever felt
was when I had to take a shit
into a plastic bag in my own kitchen.
No further questions.
I'll go into the light stuff now.
You guys ready for some light stuff?
Here's something that's really nice, really cool.
Here we go. Did you guys know
that you could take everything off of a sandwich
and you could put it on a croissant?
It stops being a sandwich,
starts being a Christmas gift.
That's pretty great.
I'm never going back to bread.
I'll tell you that. Bread's for losers.
I'd rather eat tuna between my hands
before I got back to bread.
No, but it made me start thinking,
like what else can I do?
If I can do that, you know, with sandwiches,
I can definitely start finding underwear
that's the right size. You know?
I stopped-- Oh, I stopped opening my mouth
when I went to greet dogs.
You know you don't have to taste them?
You can just be like, "Ooh, a dog."
That's pretty good.
I got off Facebook. That's really good.
That's a big life improvement.
- Is anyone here-- - ( applause )
What are you guys doing? You gotta get off Facebook.
It's terrible. It's so terrible.
I feel like Face-- It's like--
Okay, so if someone--
like, okay, here's the deal.
If I'm alone at, like, 2:00 in the morning,
I will go through all of your pictures.
Like I'll look at thousands of your pictures.
I'll know what your friends look like.
I'll know what their friends look like.
I know what their parents look like.
Like I know-- If you go on a vacation,
I know what you wore every day.
Like that's just something that I'll--
I'll spend my time doing it.
But if you dare
come up to me with a real photo album...
you even show me three pictures printed out,
I'll be like, "Get the fuck out of here!
You're wasting my time. Get out of here.
My time is precious."
I don't know what it is.
I do-- Here's something fun.
I found a new hobby.
I started going to the pharmacy
to get candy.
Has anyone tried that?
Woman: Whoo!
It's great. It's so great.
They got great selection, great prices.
I know it's, like, a medical facility,
but it's-- it's great.
So I'll go there. I'll buy candy.
It's really fun.
But a few of my girlfriends recently told me
that they will buy, like, a bag of gummy bears
when they buy a pregnancy test
so it doesn't look like they're just buying a pregnancy test.
Which, I understand their logic,
but I'm pretty sure the clerk knows
there's two things being run up.
You know? And one of them is because they think they're pregnant.
But I started to think about it.
You know, like I think I could use this logic.
So I started buying a pregnancy test
with my gummy bears.
It looks like I'm making all kinds of crazy mistakes.
You know? I got a sweet tooth, and I got (bleep) inside me.
You know what? Who knows? Who knows?
I don't just have a sweet tooth anymore.