Have you wondered this? Why is it so hard to make my kids obey?
Hi, I'm Dr. Paul Jenkins, I'm a professional psychologist. i've worked with children and
families for my entire career over 30 years now. Let's answer the question first but then
let's take a look at a new way of approaching this. What it comes down to is a basic principle
that I call moral agency. Agency is simply an acknowledgement that each of us our children
included are in charge of their own life. Now I know your kids aren't in charge of every aspect
of their life because you share that with them and without you they'd be in big trouble, wouldn't they?
But who is it that gets to decide whether your children listen or obey and let's narrow it down.
If I give you multiple choice either it's your kid who controls this or it's you who controls this?
Yeah, you see it. Don't you? I've shared a story before on this channel about a time when
I was doing a little home improvement project and it involved a little plumbing. Well, I'm not a
plumber I'm a psychologist and so I called my dad he's very handy and very useful and happy to help
and I said, "Dad, what do I need to know about this?", and he said, "Paul, there's only two things
that you need to remember about plumbing. Two rules basically for plumbing. I'm like, "Tell me",
rule number one, water runs downhill. Okay, good to know if you're plumbing. Rule number
two, don't lick your fingers. Dad was trying to be funny but he actually had a really good point here.
If you've ever installed a toilet you know exactly what he's talking about. Water runs downhill, that's
a natural law. When I apply that to parenting it sounds kind of like this, "Some things we control
other things we don't", that's not an opinion it's a natural law. Notice it, that's water runs downhill.
Don't lick your fingers, in psychology or parenting, that means pay attention to what you control
not what you don't. Going back to our question, why is it so hard to make my kids obey? Because you can't.
Listen to what I'm saying because you can't. You don't physically have the ability to make
your kids obey. You can force certain things like a small child. You can pick that child up and you
can restrain them in their car seat or whatever right and you have a certain level of control
but you can't make them obey. That's up to them. That's a principle of moral agency. So, that's the
basic answer to the question, why is it so hard to make my kids obey? Because you can't. Any questions?
No, I'm not going to leave you hanging there because as parents we have a moral responsibility
to teach our children correct principles and to encourage their moral decision-making. This is a
process that is a big responsibility for a parent but you don't control it, you simply influence it.
One of the ways that we influence this as parents is by structuring their environment,
the expectations, the consequences, in a way that encourages the best kind of decision
making. When I say the best kind of decision making what I'm referring to is moral maturity
and there's a model that helps us to understand that. We teach this in our parent coaching programs
that live on purpose central. Where there are three stages of moral development.
Stage one which is the selfish, self-centered, fighting, manipulating, yelling, and screaming, kind
of a stage. Stage two which is the cooperation stage, I'll work with you, you scratch my
back I'll scratch yours, kind of collaboration stage and then there's stage three which is
characterized by solid moral decision-making based on responsibility and morals and ethics and values.
That's stage three. When we understand what stage our kids are in it helps to guide our decisions as
parents as to what kind of consequences or what kind of interventions are going to be the most
effective for those kids. The biggest hang-up that we run into is when we try to apply consequences
that are not appropriate to or consistent with stage one two or three. Now, stage three we're not
even going to talk about because at stage three kids are being mature and responsible and they're
taking care of their own thing. At stage three your kid is gonna come up to you and say, "Oh, Dad,
what could I do for you today? I've just got a little time on my hands I want to serve",
alright, and most dads are gonna pass out right at about that point. But the point is that the kids
are making good decisions. They're taking care of what they need to self-discipline that's all stage
three. So, it usually stage two and stage one that we're working on in our parenting programs.
At stage two your kids are cooperating. Well, guess what? That's pretty easy too, isn't it? If your kid
is cooperating with you and communicating with you there's so much that you can do.
So, here's where we run into trouble and frustration stage one. At stage one as parents, we have to use
consequences. Why? Because that's the level of moral reasoning that's going on at stage one. Look, a kid
on stage one is only gonna do the right things if there's something in it for me or if I'm gonna get
clobbered when I don't. Okay, it's very external in terms of the consequences. What that means for us
as parents is that we have to pick consequences for stage one that do not require cooperation.
Because that doesn't even kick in till stage two. We go over this in detail in some of our
coaching programs but what I want to give to you today is a list of consequences that don't
require cooperation. This is a game-changer. You don't have to sit there and scratch your
head about what would those be. Go here right now the URL's on the screen drpauljenkins.com/consequences.
I put this together just for you so that you'd have a list that
will get the juices flowing and you can start thinking about what are the consequences that
are appropriate for stage one, drpauljenkins.com/consequences. When you
get that into your hands and print it out so that you can have a physical copy of it because we're
going to start brainstorming and writing down different ideas of what you can control 100%.
Remember the rules of plumbing, water runs downhill. Don't lick your fingers. Some things you
control, other things you don't, pay attention to what you control. That's what we're going to do
with this consequence list. Because although you cannot make your children obey you can structure
the consequences appropriate to their stage in a way that encourages and enhances the possibility
that they're going to do some sound moral decision making and that's what we're after. Because once
they learn that skill it changes everything for them in their life. Yeah, your life gets better too
but that's a strategic side effect we're not doing it for that purpose. It's to enhance their life.
I'm going to throw in another little bonus for you. As we're working with our kids part of our role
as a teacher and one of the things that I like to teach kids is one of the core principles.
I think there's a few core principles that we need to teach and one of those is accountability.
There's a little way that I've found to teach accountability. You can try this with your kids
and it includes having some physical actions because that becomes a mnemonic that helps us to
remember the principle of accountability. Here's what it looks like and do this with me. Maybe
invite your kids to do it as well. They can come on in and watch the video. Hi, you guys, come join us.
We're going to learn about accountability. Here's how I define it, I own. So, you're grabbing
with your hands and pulling it to you. I own my thoughts. So, with both hands open just touch your
forehead right here with your fingers, okay. I own my thoughts feelings and that's when you bring
your hands down here to your chest and just put it right there that symbolizes feelings, choices.
Now we turn our palms up and you're going to move your hands
in and out because this symbolizes, I could choose this, I could choose that, I could choose
this, I could choose that, and actions and this is where I want you to grab the steering wheel.
So, bring your hands up grab that steering wheel actions. This is how we define accountability
so let's go through it one more time together. I own my thoughts, feelings, choices, and actions.
What happens when we own our thoughts, feelings, choices, and actions? This is a powerful concept and
a core principle that I think we get to teach our children. So I just threw that in as a little bonus
for you. Hey, you've got this, you're a good parent. Thank you for being here. Remember to grab that
consequences list this will save you all kinds of time drpauljenkins.com/consequences.
I'll give it to you for free just go grab it right now. I've got your back and you've got this.