(audience claps) Okay, thank you, thank you.
I haven't been on the show yet.
So I had to figure out where I am.
It's crazy backstage. There's a lot of ghosts.
(audience laughs)
Getting in street clothes.
I saw a lotta ghosts saying,
"Hey, that was a good job", to each other.
(audience laughs)
(Mitch laughs) All right.
So uh, yeah this is what my friend said to me,
He said "I think the weather's trippy."
I said, No man it's not the weather that's trippy,
perhaps it's the way that we perceive it
that is indeed trippy.
(audience laughs) Then I thought,
Man, I shoulda just said, yeah.
(audience claps)
All right. (audience laughs)
I wanna hang a map of the world in my house,
and then I'm gonna put pins
into all the locations that I've traveled to.
But first I'ma have to travel to
the top two corners of the map,
so it won't fall down.
(audience laughs)
I got a cold sore.
You know, I hate it.
I put Carmex on it.
Carmex is supposed to heal cold sores.
I don't know if it does,
but it will make them shiny and more noticeable.
(audience laughs)
It's like cold sore highlighter.
Maybe they could come up with an arrow
that heals cold sores.
(audience laughs)
I hate arrows, man.
Don't you?
(audience laughs)
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow,
that would suck, a arrow killed you?
They would never solve the crime.
Look at that dead guy.
Let's go that way.
(audience laughs)
I like waffles, waffles are like pancakes
with syrup traps.
(audience laughs)
A waffle says to the syrup, "Hold on, now."
"You ain't going anywhere."
(audience laughs)
"Don't even be trying to creep down the side."
"Just rest in these squares."
"If one square is full, move on to the next one."
"When you hit the butter, split up."
(audience laughs)
I'm sick of soup of the day, man.
It's time we make a decision.
(audience laughs)
I need to know what soup from now on is.
(audience laughs)
(Mitch stammers)
(audience laughs)
When Gatorade has a commercial,
they always have like a guy playing sports.
I don't think you have to be playing sports
and sweating to enjoy a Gatorade.
I just think you can be a thirsty dude.
(audience laughs)
Gatorade forgets about this demographic.
(audience laughs)
I'm thirsty for absolutely no reason.
Other than the fact that liquid has not
touched my lips for some time.
Can I have a Gatorade too?
Or does that lightning bolt mean no?
(audience laughs)
I do play golf, though.
I suck at golf.
I never got a hole in one,
but I did hit a guy,
(audience laughs)
and that's way more satisfying.
(audience cheers)
(Mitch chuckles)
Why'd they do that shot?
You see that? They showed my shoes for a second.
(audience laughs)
(Mitch laughs) Put it back.
(audience laughs)
All right, forget the rest of that joke.
I had a lot more on the golf.
What else? I'll say, maybe it'll bring me back.
(audience laughs)
I'd like to go fishing and catch a fish stick.
That would be convenient.
(audience laughs)
I would only have to reheat it.
(audience laughs)
You know when there's a fishing show on TV,
and they catch a fish, but then they let it go.
They don't want to eat the fish,
but they do want to make it late for something.
(audience laughs)
Where were you? "I got caught."
(audience laughs)
No, you didn't.
Let me see the inside of your lip.
(audience laughs)
You know when a company wants to use
letters in their phone number to be catchy,
but oftentimes they use too many letters?
Like give us a call down here
at 1-800-I really enjoy carpeting.
(audience laughs)
That's too many letters, man.
Do I have to dial them all?
"Hello?" Hold on.
I'm only on "enjoy."
How did you know I was calling?
You're good. I can see why they hired you.
(audience laughs)
I liked the hotels that have the rotating restaurants.
You know, I've never been in a rotating restaurant,
but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round.
I put her on it and I gave her a burrito.
(audience laughs)
All right.
This is my last joke right here,
I got an oscillating fan at my house.
You know, the fan goes back and forth, it oscillates.
It looks like the fan is saying "No."
So I like to ask it questions that a fan would say "No" to.
So do you keep my hair in place? (laughs)
(audience laughs)
No, you don't.
Do you keep my papers in order?
That's another right answer.
Do you have three settings?
Liar! (audience laughs)
Thank you, all right. Thank you.