- The Crown is an incredible show where we're changing lives
by bringing correctional dentistry to rural areas.
- (laughs)
Hi, I'm Trixie Mattel.
- And I'm Katya.
- And we're two queens who like to watch.
- And today, we're watching The Crown, Season Three.
(dramatic string music)
Please be advised, there are spoilers galore.
- If you saw a spoiler and we already told you,
it's your own fault.
- Go (bleep) yourself.
- You've seen this show
before. - I've seen the show.
Listen, the trials and tribulations
of the British royal family, I'm here for it every day,
all the time, yes God, I am.
So this one is 10-year jump from last season.
We've got Princess Margaret, Margo, I call her Margo.
- So now she's actually the Queen--
- Yeah. - Versus in the past season,
she was not. - She was like the baby Queen.
- Baby. (both laugh)
All right, so she's having a freak out
because she's gonna review the art of her stamp.
- For a woman of a certain age, this is a bit harrowing.
I can relate.
- Well luckily, it's this big.
So you can really be wrinkle-crinkle town.
- And then yeah, what are they gonna do,
bring out a magnifying glass, "Ooh, crow's feet."
- Yeah, no. - "Ooh, yeah, crow's feet."
- I want to be so famous and rich like the Queen
where they're bringing in clip-on earrings right now.
Oh no, this is the stamp.
- (laughs)
- How many clip-ons would the Majesty (babbles)
- Look at this procession to show you a portrait of yourself
that's one centimeter by one centimeter.
- Takes too long.
- That chandelier, Phantom of the Opera,
too crowned. - Boom.
I go one by one, "mama, this is garbage,
"mama, this is trash."
- Ugly, chubby. - I like this stamp.
(laughs)
What is this? - Dried tendons?
- (laughs) Dry skin.
This is a microscopic closeup of my skin in the morning.
Oh wait, this is the crown.
It's the crown.
- Wow.
- What's she up to now, arts and crafts?
- Her putting butter on toast,
I thought she was doing makeup.
- (laughs) It actually looked like
she was doing oil painting.
- That's me putting concealer on for this gig,
spreading butter on burnt toast.
- You know what I want?
I want there to be a genre of softcore porn
where it's really meticulous recreations
of historical scenes, I think that'd be fun.
- She's buttering the toast and then
she just walks up to him, and he's watching TV.
And she puts one leg over for the TV,
and she just goes like this.
- (laughs)
- And then...
Hello. - Gimme a wave,
gimme a wave, this is mine.
- I think I would point it toward people
and do like a, like--
- Almost like a gypsy
giving a curse. - Like figuring it out, yeah.
- Thinner. - You shamed me.
- The more famous you are, the more your hand becomes wood.
- [Man] Princess Margaret is a more vibrant,
modern, and engaging version of her oldest sister.
- This is how you act on a plane
when you're literally that bitch.
- Yeah, she's like-- - Painting your nails.
- [Interviewer] What're you most
looking forward to in America?
- Liberty.
- I think she's at the Old Navy
at Grand Avenue in Milwaukee.
- (laughs) She's at the Mall of America.
- She's at Lush.
"And a bath bomb." - Look at this, look at that.
- [Man] Fans are sort of delighted
at her Royal Highness' intelligence and articulacy,
her beauty and charms.
- It's all right, thank you, Martin.
- Yes, ma'am.
- I'm a queen, not a saint.
- You know I paid off all my student loans
in a bathtub on my phone?
- You did not. - I was like, $40,000?
Not on my watch. - (laughs)
- That was me.
- I was crying in the bathtub with Burger King.
- This is like pre-internet, pre-everything.
She just had to wake up and do queen shit all day.
- This is Lady Gaga's tweet, fame is a prison.
- She tweeted that? - Yes.
How pretentious.
I'd argue that prison is prison.
- (laughs) - Why don't you tell
my real dad that fame is the prison, okay?
- Look it, she's smoking, she's drinking, she's carrying on,
generally just being the life of the party.
- Do you think she wants to be queen, is she jelly?
- Absolutely not.
- Let's be honest.
You are the best guide for our country
because you had a famous mom?
- Yeah, (bleep) that shit.
And then the bloodline gets so incestuous.
One king's got an arm growing out of his neck and--
- (laughs) - nobody says anything
about it.
- So in this scene, Helena Bonham Carter
has to go have a good presentation
with the President of the United States
so she can get some money to bail out the U.K.
- A thousand million billion (bleep) pounds.
- She's not sure on the details.
He's like, "how much money do you need?"
She goes--
- Uh, a thousand.
- About a thousand 52 billion jibbity joo.
But Helena Bonham Carter is very
fly by the seat of her pants--
- Moment to moment.
Show up drunk or not at all.
- Now I can't imagine if either of us
have ever found ourselves in a situation where
one of us has to count on the other for a very menial task--
- Oh boy, I wonder what it's like
to have unreliable work partner.
- The first course had barely been served
before Princess Margaret made remarks--
- They should honestly be sending a drag queen.
- Yes. - We need you to go in
and charm people, and honestly,
not really have much information.
- No.
And then maybe, look at the eyes.
- She's flirting with him, is that Lyndon Johnson?
- L.B.J. all the way. - Is that Lyndon B. Johnson?
- Yes it is, look at her. - There is some similarity
there. - She is laying it on thick,
she's like--
- Yeah, all right give it to the camera.
- Okay, you're L.B.J.
- (laughs) I didn't see her tongue out.
- [Woman] A terrible prude.
- She would never go nude--
- (gasping)
- And her bum hips and tits she would never bare.
- Oh, she is-- - Is she talking about
the queen? - She's hitting it
out of the park.
- Anymore? - She is jealous.
She's asking questions 'cause she
wants to imagine a social life.
She's like, "did everyone laugh?"
- (laughs) - Did they laugh?
I hope they laughed.
- Princess Margaret won the evening with this one.
They found her vagina in North Carolina--
- And her asshole in Buckingham Palace.
(laughter)
- Cinematic parallels.
- It's too real.
- Obviously, Helena Bonham Carter is kinda serving it.
- Yes, she's-- - So don't be mad.
- Don't be mad and don't be plucked
that you can't get the party started, you know what I mean?
Is she gonna (bleep) L.B.J.?
- I doubt it. - No, probably not.
- Followed by singing.
♪ Anything you can be, I can be ♪
- You doing a Shade number unannounced, no one asked for.
- DJ, roll the track.
- You're giving him your flash drive,
they're like, "this is a Hardee's."
- (laughs)
- She's at this party giving a performance
and the queen is alone in PJ's.
- She's getting a, oh my God.
(gasping)
- Newly anglophile President Johnson
hadn't agreed to the bailout.
- People used to just get drunk and play piano and sing.
- Yeah. - And I would find that
irritating. - (laughs)
- I played guitar 15 years.
I'm never that person who's at a party, is like--
- "Hey." - "All right."
- "Here we go." - Don't be that person.
- No.
- I'm predictable, dependable, reliable.
It would be nice to be dazzling on occasion, too.
- [Katya] Dazzlingly predictable.
- The thing is, she's not even allowed to be sparkly--
- No. - Because--
- It's a catch 20-- - 'Cause then you're a woman
who's flippant and, you know.
- She kissed the president.
She's pretty, she's rich, she's a little bit of a bitch.
- (laughs)
- As a monarch, you want somebody
predictable, reliable, and cabbage-like.
- You do have to be boring.
- And then somebody who's off the chain,
unhinged, on drugs--
(both laughing)
- It's like being Aaron Carter.
You don't have to be Nick.
You can get a face tattoo in your house, move to Canada.
I'm watching those live feeds.
- (laughs) - Every time Aaron Carter
goes live, I'm watching you.
- (laughs) - I'm watching you.
- Me, me, that estranged nun coming back--
- You have any porridge, honey?
So they've just asked the public
for an allowance so they can have more spending money,
and look who shows up, and they're just now
trying to prove that-- - (bleep)
- Everything's fine.
- [Katya] She got blown up in the septal bailor,
and now she's back at the crown.
- [Trixie] Is that Mariah Carey
out of makeup again, like Precious?
- (laughs)
So that's her estranged relative?
- No, the Duke's estranged mom.
Yeah the Duke mama, the Duke.
- What?
- You must be tired, we'll find someone
to take you to your room.
- May I have some corn on the cob?
That is gonna be me in 20 years.
You've still continued to hit it big,
you're rich, you're in a palace somewhere in the Hills.
I show up fresh from the "monastery"--
(both laugh)
Grinding my (bleep) teeth like,
"have you got any rooms for a poor suffering wretch?"
They stick her in this little podunk room?
- They said, "we'll be happy you're staying with us.
"This is the utility closet."
"Let's see her royal person."
"This is your room.
"Your great-great aunt Carl died in here."
- Princess Alice has arrived.
- [Trixie] If you had a mall in your basement,
three stores, must-have.
- Wetzel's Pretzels, Orange Julius, and the Limited, Too.
(both laugh)
- I think I would have an Icing, not Claire's.
- (in unison) Icing.
- Oh, H&M.
Don't have to do laundry, just go buy socks and underwear.
- Yeah, that's a good idea.
- And Sbarro, bitch.
- Oh, the nasty pizza? - Yeah, bitch.
Italian's best.
- [Katya] Oh, forlorn at the train station.
Ever been gagged at the train station?
- Ball gagged, yes.
The Duke, is that the Duke?
Everybody ask what a Duke is.
- [Katya] The Duke is like a Duchess, but a man.
- Then what's a Duchess, like just--
- Like the Duke, but a girl.
(laughs) - But is the Duke in charge
of anything, or is it just like
a royal cousin? - They do dukedom, dukedom,
duke stuff.
- You used to have a rich royal mom,
and now you just have to make a sex tape.
- Yeah, wow, the times, they are a-changin'.
Do you think for the better, or for the worse?
- Well I can make a sex tape.
The problem is getting people to watch it.
- (laughs)
- (both groaning)
- Like The Ring. - There's so many, what?
- This really is plumbing new depths of banality.
- That's my Tinder bio, plumbing new depths of banality.
(laughs) - Banality.
- The absolute (bleep) nerve of them
to ask the British people for an allowance.
Listen, it's not enough that I douche with gold flake water?
- I need more money. - I need more money.
- They're trying to appeal to people by saying,
"we're just like you, we watch TV."
By the way, that's what's happening now.
- Perhaps you might comment on what's on the television.
- It'd be easier if there were something remotely amusing.
- How droll. - Do you know what
I ask people?
"Were you a rich kid?"
And they're like, "ah, you know,"
I'm like, "okay, first of all, red flag.
"Don't be embarrassed, you were rich."
I'm not embarrassed about (bleep) riding a donkey to school.
- (laughs)
She was my mother and I loved her very much.
- (laughs)
- How could he ever be thrilled with me?
He's so obsessively thrilled with himself.
- She's recently divorced, sunglasses means divorced.
- By the way, no sunlight, London.
- Fully overcast. - It's a lovely day
for a swim, gray sky.
- (laughs)
- Roe, dear.
(bleep)
- Would you like to shag the first first sister?
- (laughs)
- Your Royal Highness, how do you do?
- You're perspiring.
- (exclaiming) - Oh, gag me.
- I am, ma'am. - Gag.
- So, why don't you jump in the pool?
- Well, I didn't bring any trunks.
- That was stupid.
- [Katya] And this is her flirting?
You stupid (bleep), you haven't got a swimsuit.
Come, shag me.
- I don't possess any trunks.
- That's not just stupid, that's absurd.
Where's nearest town?
- Wait, she flirts by taking him shopping for a swimsuit?
This is like when I used to (bleep) that chubby guy,
we used to go to California Pizza Kitchen.
- (laughs) - Bring the Uber X around,
we're going to the California Pizza kitchen.
- What is it that you do?
- A research assistant, the college of arms.
- His hairstyle indicates to me
that he thinks too much, I like 'em big, dumb, and stupid.
- Have we got the treat for you.
- (laughs)
- It's so nice when a man is unaware of his best features.
- It's so sad when a lady hides hers.
- Oh!
Two black eyes.
Or she takes them off, and she has another pair of glasses
with the eyeballs that fall on springs.
- You don't think I have a sense of humor. (chuckles)
- Royal Highness.
- [Katya] Oh my god, I hope he gets the trunks
that go right below the nipples.
- Or one of those Pugsley bathing suits,
full body. - Oh with the straps. (laughs)
- [Trixie] Just a bit puffy around the middle.
Let's get the swimsuit for this fat little boy.
- (laughs)
- It's what she's saying.
- I'm paying, I choose.
- (gasps)
- Try them on.
- [Katya] What if he had like the biggest, giant,
I bet he looks dynamite.
- They're one of my favorite trees.
- [Trixie] Oh, tsk tsk tsk tsk.
- Silk cotton tree.
- Come on. - She's not even listening.
She's got her camera phone down there recording it.
- And do you have nimble
as well as pretty fingers?
- Oh, now she's turning on the juice.
- I do.
- (both gasp)
- [Trixie] They're gonna bang right in that dressing room.
- Hmm, perfect.
- Well, this show has everything.
It has some comedy, some drama, some sex,
it has great costumes, and there's an added layer of drama
because it's based on real people, real events.
- Sexual bullying, speedos.
- Yes. - Dressing rooms.
- If you'd like to watch The Crown,
check it out on Netflix.
- Well, turn that frown upside down with The Crown.
(laughs)
On netflix.com.
(orchestral music)